Set Yourself on Fire

Three Months Later
I had another dream. But this one was different.

I had just entered the house that Ian and I had spent our summers in, only to find him casually sitting at the kitchen table. “Ian,” I breathed. “You’re okay.”
He smiled broadly and stood up to give me a hug. “Course I am. Why wouldn’t I be?”
I smiled slightly. “Well, I, your kinda supposed to be…” I didn’t want to tell him. It would upset him.
“Dead?” He finished gently for me.
My eyes filled with sudden tears. “I’m so sorry Ian. It should have been me, it was my fault-“
“Shut up, G.” He said rolling his eyes and ruffling my hair. “It was not your fault, and if you even think it should have been you, I’ll haunt your ass so long-“
I was laughing and crying at the same time.
“I’ve got a bone to pick with you anyhow.” He said, sitting me down at the table. “Fin? Really?” He looked at me with such brotherly concern, it made fresh tears pour from my eyes. God, I missed him.
“Well, yeah. Yeah, I really love him Ian.” I said, smiling at the thought.
“Oh God.” He groaned. “Well he’s better than Chase I suppose.”
“Not really your call.” I said punching him slightly.
“You’re going to wake up soon.” He said casually.
“One thing.” I said, quickly, laying my hand on his. “Is…is it bad? I mean, are you okay?”
He smiled. “I am wonderful. And your life Grey? Your life is going to be so incredible. And I’m going to be there, for everything.”
I was crying again, but not from sadness, not really. More from the loss of the life I should have had. The one that Ian should have been a part of: weddings, our children growing up together, seeing one another happy and healthy.
“Anything people should know?” I asked, feeling everything around me slowly becoming less real. I was waking up, slowly but surely.
“Make sure you are heard.” Ian said after a while. He took my hand, kissed it, and then I woke up.

A year. A whole year since he had been gone.
I couldn’t believe it.
Even now, standing at his grave, seeing the finality of his death inscribed on the stone, it was hard to believe he was gone. Sometimes, when I saw a flicker of movement in the corner of my eye, I still half expected him to stride out from around the corner, beaming and happy and whole-
Fin tightened his grip on my hand. “You okay?” he asked, whispering into my ear.
I tore my eyes away from the grave and back to his face. I nodded. “Yeah.” I said, resting my head on his shoulder. “Yeah, let’s go.”
Fin waved to Evie and Brendon, and the four of us headed back to the car. I was quiet for the entire ride. We all were. But it wasn’t a sad silence, it was more a thoughtful silence. Fin was absentmindedly tracing the scars on my hands and wrists, and it made me feel peaceful.
We finally arrived at the park, Evie and Brendon gathering up our food, while Fin and I assigned ourselves to laying out the blanket. We all got settled, and the Fin, lifted up his coke can: “To Ian.” He said quietly.
I smiled. “To Ian.” We all repeated.
After that, it was easier. Easier to talk, to bring up stories.
I felt like this was the beginning of something. Had I known this time last year that I would be here, I would have told you to sign yourself into an insane asylum. And now, I couldn’t rule anything out. I had been basically offered a spot at Julliard after my senior year, not to mention an audition for the New York Ballet. They were so impressed by my performance, they literally had been fighting for me via email, regular mail, and phone calls. Fin’s band was working on becoming signed. They had a couple interested labels, and if they got signed…well, we would face that hurdle when we got there, but we would make it work. I knew we would.
Everything changes. People change, ambitions change, life changes, in the blink of an eye your entire future can be taken away. I was trying to live my life to the fullest, I was trying to keep myself here, because if I had learned anything, pain was well worth it, pain was worth it because love kept you grounded.
I stared up at the blue sky, surrounded by the people I loved, and for the first time in a long time, I felt blessed.