Be All Mine

The alarm clock on Matt's dresser woke me up only after it kept going off for twenty minutes without even a movement from Matt's side of the bed. I rolled over and found him fast asleep as I kissed his cheek and rested my face on his. He moved his arm out from under me and brushed the hair off of my face awkwardly.

“Time to wake up, Mathew,” I whispered into his ear. I was about to say something more when I felt that odd feeling within my abdomen and I quickly got up and off him as I hopped to the bathroom. Morning sickness took its toll as I let it flow through me and into the porcelain bowl of Matt's toilet. I never got sick, I just threw up maybe once and then was fine for the rest of the day, so I wasn't even surprised that I got back up right away, flushed the toilet, and started to brush my teeth like nothing happened.

“You okay there, Momma Bear?” asked Matt jokingly as I spit out a wad of tooth paste and let it be rinsed down the drain by the flowing cold water.

“Dandy,” I struggled to say as I continued a brushing off my teeth a third and final time before washing my mouth out with Listerine. “I have to throw up like every other morning; no big deal. I feel perfectly normal.”

He smiled and kissed my cheek as he patted my butt and moved me towards the door. “Good,” he said. “Now let me take a piss. Unless you'd like to witness that.”

I quickly shut the door as I said, “I love you, but I don't love you that much.”

As he freed himself of all liquids in his body I rolled back onto his bed and held the pillow that he'd been sleeping on close to my face. It smelled of his cologne and I liked the way it made my flesh get goosebumps. I liked the way it made me feel suddenly at home, like I belonged so close to him that I could smell his aroma. Matt was just all around sweet and smelled like it, too.

“No no no,” he laughed, climbing in beside me as he arranged himself to fit my own position. “No more sleep. We've got to get dressed and go in about three hours. I told them we'd be there for a good sound check this time. Last time we were late and it wasn't exactly the best show.”

Groaning, I sat up and turned to face him as I curved my hand so that his neck rested in my palm. I kissed his throat and said, “You can wait, 'cause I am taking the shower first, babe.”

While I was crawling around him to stand on the floor, Matt sat up and wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me in close gently as he stood up himself. He started to caress my neck with his cheek, stubbly from being unshaved for a whole day. I giggled as he kissed my neck from my ear down and then planted a small bite on my shoulder.

“Alright, Dracula,” I laughed, turning in his arms to face him while we wobbled to the bathroom. “You need to give me some room to clean up. I smell like throw up and sweat probably.”

Matt kissed my lips and said, “You smell like beauty, that's what.”

“So beauty now has a scent? Where was I when this was discovered?” I joked, watching him close the bathroom door behind us as I kept walking backwards towards the stand-up steam shower.

He laughed and replied, “Underneath me.”

“Matt!” I shrieked, about to playfully yell at him for his joke when he pulled me close and slipped his tongue in my mouth to meet my own. I didn't even bother to put up a fight as soon as his lips were against mine. I could have been yelling for real at him and I would have stopped as soon as he touched me like he was.

“We'll both take a shower,” he said, already starting to take off his tank top that he'd been wearing.

“No funny business?” I asked, standing with my weight shifted on my right leg as I crossed my arms, trying to look serious. My heart, however, was galloping like a high school girl with her first sweet heart in the aloneness of his bedroom.

Matt raised his arms in a way that showed he had nothing up his sleeves and grinned slyly. “I won't do what you don't want me to do.”

Glaring at him, I started to pull down my underwear since it was the only thing I had worn to bed. That and a large shirt that was his. He was already down to nothing as I watched from the corner of my eye, not wanting to let him know that I was truly staring at his gorgeous body. If he knew I was flustered by the fact that I could look but not touch, I bet he would have flaunted his stuff a whole lot more than he already was.

“You gonna come in yet, beautiful?” he joked, as the glass around the shower began to fog up and make viewing him harder.

I stepped towards the door and paused to bite my lip in hesitation. “I'm not sure yet,” I lied, pretending to be hesitant of the idea. “I think maybe I should just use the bath tub instead.”

Matt appeared at the door and grabbed my wrist as he said, “You're a horrible liar.”

Heart pounding within my ears I shrugged. “I try,” I joked, stepping in as he pulled me in with him. Warm water fell on my back as he just watched me for a minute. I washed my hair quickly since I knew I wanted out of the shower as fast as possible; my heart couldn't take it anymore.

Matt simply started to lather his body as I smiled at him and bit my lip to keep from losing my cool. The way the water washed over him made my body feel light, like I was about to faint or something, so I grabbed my body wash and cleaned up faster than usual.

“Uh...” I said, holding my razor in my left hand as he washed away the blue lather all over his stomach. “I need to shave. So you gotta move, Matt. I need that ledge.”

“Go right ahead,” he said, turning with me as I took the place that he'd been standing. “I'm not gonna stop you.”

I shook my head and began to shave as I could sense him staring at me the whole time. Each time I brought the razor up I was afraid to cut myself because I was shaking so hard from, not really embarrassment, but something like it. I'd never done something like this with Mark until we were married, and by then who cared. Matt and I were two, two and a half, weeks into dating and I was naked in his shower like it was nothing new to me.

Once I'd finished shaving and had bent over to put the razor on the ledge, I felt Matt pull me close to him and I turned to face him. The water rushed down our faces as I stared into his eyes. He didn't wear any expression as he pulled hair out of my face and smoothed his hand over my face and down to my shoulders.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath to calm down since my whole frame was shaking from curiosity and impatience. I wanted to feel him, but I was smarter than that. I don't do anything unless we're married. That's always been my moral and my rule. I wasn't religious, but I knew that it was the right thing to do no matter how badly you wanted the person you loved.

“Audrey...” he whispered into my ear as he bent over, hands on my hips and stomach. I rested my head on his shoulder and hugged his waist.

“Matt,” I whispered back.

He pulled away to look at me again and I smiled at him as he lowered his head and pulled my chin up so our lips could meet more easily. I touched lips with his and let the moment flood in. I never liked the words “make out” because they were something a teenager did out of purely hormonal reasons. But that was what I was doing with Matt, just slipping tongues into one another's mouths as I ran my hands over his shoulders only. I wasn't going to go anywhere I didn't want him to go on me. His hands smoothed over my stomach and sincerely avoided my chest because he knew me. He respected me.

After an eternity of time, I pulled away and said, “I can't go any further than this with you, Matt. Not right now. I've got my own morals, and I wait until marriage.”

Matt smiled. “I know,” he confessed. “And I respect those morals because I respect you. I love you.”

I blinked away the water running down my face and couldn't help myself. I pulled him in eagerly as I kissed him genuinely. He held my face in his hands and I kissed him harder before I pulled away again and said, “I know we both want to do this forever, but we have a show tonight, remember?”

I could hear his hurried breathing even over the shower and smiled when he rested his forehead against my own.

“I've never felt this way before,” he whispered, as I hugged him again. “It's like I can't breathe, but it feels good not to. It's crazy...God, you make me feel so much more alive than ever before, Audrey.”

“And I feel the same way, Matt,” I agreed. “This is what love does; it makes us feel crazy because we all have feelings all our own when we experience it. You and I share the same feelings because we want this more than anyone. We love each other more than any husband or wife out there.”

Matt kissed me once more and I could feel that he was thinking hard to himself as we watched one another's faces more eagerly. We were both looking for the answer to some question in the other's eyes and expressions. I just didn't know what he was asking, nor what I was wondering, either.

“Audrey?” he asked softly.

“Yes?”

“I know it's not my place to ask this,” he started out quickly. “But I have to know.” Matt paused to look at me longer, as if he was missing some detail and needed it to save his life. “When you give birth to the twins...Can...Can I name the boy?”

The way Matt had sounded yesterday in the car, the way he'd showed hurt in his voice, I knew this wasn't just some silly question without meaning behind it. I knew he wanted this more than anything because he'd never gotten the chance to see his daughter or son, and this seemed like it was making up for it. I didn't know what I honestly wanted, but I knew I loved him.

Could I do that though? Just give my child's name up to the man I loved? It may seem so simple to others, but it's not. A mother wants to be apart of everything in her child's life, especially its first part, which is the naming and attachment.

“Matt...” was the only thing I could say before I started to grow light headed from being put on the spot. “Matt...I want you to promise me that you're doing this because you love me, not because you want to make up for the lost time you would have had with your own child.”

Matt gulped and said, “I do love you, and it's not because I lost my own child. I want to be apart of your life forever, and your life is your children. You are the reason I want to name the boy.”

I grew sturdy once more. That was what I wanted to hear from him, because I wasn't going to say yes to the other reason. I wasn't going to be his life preserve to his past.

“Then, y-yes,” I stuttered. “But you still have to go within my guidelines. I want my boys to start with M and nothing gay. Got it?”

Matt hugged me and kissed my cheek. “I would never name your son something gay,” he laughed. “I would never name anyone's child something gay. No boy should grow up to be made fun of. What are your guidelines for the girls, then? What are you starting their names with?”

I kissed his lips and replied, “They're going to be all A's. Like me. Now let's go get ready. I'm starting to prune up, buddy boy.”

Matt and I exited the shower and I wrapped a towel around myself. I threw my hair up into curlers and did my make up as Matt occasionally looked in on me, one more piece of clothing added to his body. I dried my hair into messy curls and put my eyebrow ring and nose stud in as I walked out into his bedroom completely naked.

“Are you trying to frustrate me?” Matt asked, tightening the loop on his studded belt that was wound through his black shorts.

I shrugged. “I'm usually naked at home when Mikey's away. I feel more comfortable that way. Get used to it, dude.”

I threw on the red, low-cut, V-neck baby-doll shirt that he'd picked out the week before and the skinny blue jeans as well. I also wore a good pair of slip-on Vans so that I wasn't uncomfortable at the concert.

It was a while until the show, but I was already nervous and I applied extra deodorant to make sure I didn't sweat through the fabric of my shirt. The last thing I wanted people to remember me for was my nasty pit stains and body odor.

Both Matt and I stood and looked at the other with a smile on our face. We knew the other was nervous, yet incredibly anxious to go to the concert.

Matt broke the silence. “Are you ready to go get your boy and go sing your heart out tonight?”

I shrugged and jokingly asked, “Do I really have a choice to turn back now anyways?”

Matt shook his head and led me out to the garage, adding, “You couldn't live this down even if you wanted to, Audrey. You're sucked in, now.”