Be All Mine

Weeks turned into four months at the Saunders and Woodrow household, and Matt and I were no where near unhappy. Matt was always taking Mikey to kindergarten once it started up again in August, and I continued teaching at the high school down the road from Mikey. Matt, while he was busy with the guys trying to finish the album they had been working on, still had time to enjoy with me and Mikey, and the growing twins within me. I was starting the second trimester, and I was already feeling the pressure on my feet as well as my back. Especially when I was dealing with smart ass high school students who occasionally thought they were much more brilliant than I.

“What do you think?” asked Matt, his white shirt covered in light blue and light yellow paint as he struggled to hold a large portrait of him, me, and Mikey playing at the beach above the changing table he'd just bought for us.

I took a good long look at it and then nodded. “I like it. Goes well with the paint, actually. Maybe you should be the one teaching art class, Mathew.”

He laughed and put the framed picture down on the ground, leaning it against the wall as he grabbed the hammer and a nail from off of the dresser nearby. “I would, but I can't deal with the idea of having to be a school again. Too uncomfortable.”

I giggled. “Only because you've already caused one dean to have a heart attack. We don't need to make a record, here. I'm going to go get Mikey, you want to come with, or do you want to chill?”

He shrugged. “Yeah, I'll go, just let me change my shirt real quick.”

Matt kissed my cheek as I stood and looked around the impressive nursery that he'd painted and arranged all by himself. I was trying to help, but he didn't want me to stress myself out or strain a muscle. “Such a handyman,” my mother had said when I'd told her.

My mom and dad were supposed to come down for the last month of my pregnancy to be with me and Matt as I got ready for twins. My mom wanted to be there to teach Matt the yes and nos of parenting. I told her she could kiss her ass because Matt's already a great father.

My dad never really seemed as thrilled about it as my mom. He believed that it wasn't right that Matt was going to be the man in his grand-children's lives rather than having Mark around all day and night. “He's still fond of Mark,” my mom confessed. “He'll get over him like a kid gets over a new toy every other week. You'll see.”

I really hoped so, because I wanted nothing more than for my husband to get along with my father.

“Alright, let's go,” Matt said, holding the keys in his left hand as I led us to the garage.

While we drove, Matt asked, “Are you sure this won't be weird for Mark? I am not exactly the friend anymore.”

Laughing, I replied, “You ask that every time we go to pick up Mikey. And every time we go, Mark gives you a handshake and a 'How ya been, Matt!' So I will let you answer that question for yourself.”

“I still think it's just because he's a good actor,” Matt said as I laughed and put my hand on his shoulder.

We pulled into Mark's driveway and found him and Mikey playing some basketball together. I waved as I slammed the Escilade's door and gave a hug to Mikey. “Hi, Mark,” I said warmly, as he smiled back and gave Matt a handshake and hello. Something about the way his face looked made me uneasy, and I pulled him aside.

“What's the matter, Mark?” I asked, hands resting on his shoulders.

He sighed and looked directly into my eyes. “Your dad called me today.”

“Yeah, and? You know he likes you,” I laughed, crossing my arms.

“No, Audrey,” he said, half mumbling. “Your real dad. Brent.”

My arms dropped to my sides as I shook my head and forced myself to think this was not happening. “Why? Mark, how did he get your number? What did he want? You didn't tell him about me? Please tell me you hung up right away.”

He shook his head and I started to cry and hold my head in my hands. “Audrey,” Mark said softly. “He wants to be at your wedding, and he's already got a plane out here in five months. He found your address through the orphanage's database clerk. They have to hand that information to parents if it was an open adoption. I am so sorry, Audrey. I don't know what to do.”

“Mark,” I whispered, as he threw his arms around my shoulders and pulled me in close. “Mark, please...I don't want him here. He doesn't belong here. He's not my father, and he'll never be Mikey's grandfather. I will not let that man destroy another child's life, especially my son's.”

“I'm going to call the police, tell them exactly what he said, and then tell them to call you. I want you under protection when he gets here. It's not Mikey I am worried about, Audrey.” He paused to look at me. “It's you.”

I bit my lip and forced down the anger that had been within me since I was six and seven. He ruined my life when I was little, and he took away a sense of purity within me that I could never get back, no matter how hard I try; no matter how hard I prayed.

Matt walked over after strapping in Mikey and he looked from Mark towards me. “What happened? Audrey? What's wrong?”

“Her real dad found out where you guys live,” Mark answered for me. “He's trying to go to the wedding so he can talk to Audrey. Matt, you need to keep a total eye on your house and Audrey. This man hurt her her whole life, I doubt he's about to stop now.”

Matt nodded. “I'll get anything and everything I can to protect her. I promise.”

“So help me god, if she gets hurt on your watch, you're dead...You're fucking dead, Matt,” Mark snapped, saying goodbye to me as he headed inside and left Matt to bring me back to the car.

I stared out at the road as Matt sped towards home, my heart collapsing every minute into my stomach where it was being sloshed around and tossed in painful circles. This couldn't be happening. I was supposed to just take it easy, live with Matt and not worry about a thing for the rest of my life. This was not part of the pretty picture I had painted in my head.

Once we arrived back home, I threw myself on the bed as Matt tucked Mikey into bed and closed the door behind us. I was curled up in a tightly-knit ball, crying so heavily that I was running out of tears to shed. I'd probably just end up crying pure salt after the water was gone.

“Audrey, it's okay, shh, Audrey,” Matt kept saying, rolling into bed next to me as he pulled me in close. He tried so hard to quiet my sobs, but they only got louder as I remembered all of the pain and depression that my biological dad had caused me for so long. I wasn't okay, and it was not going to be okay until that man was behind bars for life or dead, and I was definitely willing to be pro-death penalty just for him, and only him.

“Matt, it's not okay,” I wailed. “He's not my father, and he never will be so long as I still remember what he did to me. And I can remember it like it was just two hours ago, Mathew. I'm afraid of him, Matt. I'm scared to death of even hearing his voice. How am I supposed to deal if I see his face? That same face I had to look at everyday and every night when I was younger.”

I began to feel gross again, like how I did when my real dad was looking at me. He could just glance at me and I would feel my skin grow a layer of filth that even the most painful scrubbing couldn't get rid of. He wasn't just a scratch or scar on my flesh, he was a disease that could threaten my life if I fed it on accident. I hear his voice and my heart crumbles from fear. I see his face and I instantly feel my conscience drop to the bottom of the sea that began to thrash within my head upon his sight.

“We'll get a restraining order against him, Audrey,” Matt said, holding tighter as I shook so violently that I bit my lip and forced it to bleed. I didn't realize it though until he wiped it on his shirt and kissed my lips anyways. “We'll go tomorrow. First thing when we get up.”

I shook my head no. “You think a silly piece of paper is going to stop him from getting what he wants? My cries didn't even faze him, Mathew. Nothing fazes him. He gets what he wants when he wants it. No man or beast could stop him.”

Mathew sighed and stood up as I still lay on the bed in excruciating horror. “Audrey, I am not going to just sit here and let you huddle in ball on our bed as this man harasses you again! I will do everything in my power to make sure you aren't hurt again. This is illegal in some obvious manner, and I am not sitting by as he forces you to run to the hills all over again! It just will not happen! So sit up and look at me like the woman I know you are! Not this man's cat toy!”

My heart ruptured as Matt yelled at me. I stood straight up and pointed a shivering and shaky finger at him, yelling, “You think I was that fucking childish that I would just sit here forever and not let Mikey live a happy care-free life!? You think that that's what I did before, Mathew? You think I just ran away to run away from my problems? I actually did do something Mathew Saunders! I told my teacher, and he was thrown in jail for only the shortest amount of years possible on molestation charges!”

Matt's face sank.

“So don't you of all fucking people tell me how shitty of a job I did trying to take care of my problems!” I screamed so loud that my ears rung from the initial shock of the sound.

I grabbed my coat and car keys angrily, too pissed off to even look at Matt let alone talk to him as he hesitantly touched my shoulder. Throwing my arm out of his grasp, I snapped, “Don't touch me!”

“Audrey,” he said, pain evident in his wobbling voice. I didn't care; I just wanted to go away from him. How dare he judge me like that? If he was so macho, then what was it that he would have done? Fuck Mathew! I could get by without him...Right?

“Audrey?” questioned Matt, as I fell on the floor and grabbed my stomach in the most horrible pain that I could have ever felt in my life. “Audrey! We're calling an ambulance! This isn't right.”

I grabbed the leg of his pants before he could run to the phone, and cried, “Please don't leave me, Matt. I'm scared. Please don't leave me here alone. Just use my cell phone-AHHH!” It felt like a million and half, thick needles were stabbing at my abdomen hungrily, as if they were feeding off of my shaking and screaming.

Mikey opened the door and ran towards me as Matt grabbed a hold of him and carried him to the night stand to grab my cell phone. Mikey was shrieking and crying hysterically as I still lay hunched over on the floor at the end of the bed, hands on the floor as I gripped the carpet so hard that my nails broke.

“Hurry!” Matt yelled into the phone after giving the address and emergency. He told Mikey to be a big boy and stay on the other side of the bed as he helped me try to stand.

“No,” I said, a wad of his shirt in both of my hands as I struggled to keep my mind away from the most horrible idea that was coming to mind. “If this...If this is a miscarriage, Matt, I can't stand. I might...bleed too much. Just let me lay. It's okay...Okay.”

Matt knelt over me as I tightened my hand around his, every breath too painful to even with take. This can't be happening...Not to us...Not to the twins..oh god, the twins!

The sound of approaching ambulances ten minutes later brought so much relief, and then so much anger. I was not going to lose these children. No way in hell I would give up that easily. I'd fight until I had no more strength to fight with. No way I was going to sit by and let two innocent souls leave this world without ever having known what it was like; what I was like.

Two men ran in the room after Matt had left to go show them where I was, and they instantly threw a breathing mask on my face, the other taking my basics as I felt my breathing waver.

“She's not good,” said the older-looking gentlemen, which caused me to cry harder as they got me ready to put on the stretcher that a third man ran in with. Mikey ran over to hold my hand, but Matt grabbed him and carried him after us as the pain strengthened within me. I was only five months pregnant; too early for any newborn to live if they had to do an immediate C section.

Matt took Mikey in the back of the ambulance with me as he cried loudly and grabbed fearfully at my pant leg. I was too afraid to look at him because I knew it would only frighten him even more than he already was.

Hand in Matt's, I took the breathing mask off just long enough to say, “Whatever happens, I loved you more than life itself. You're my butterfly, Matt.”

He stared into my eyes just as I couldn't hold them open any longer, and all I heard was, “You're not done flying yet, Audrey Saunders.” After those words, a dull blackness settled within my eyelids and I felt no more pain.