99 Ways to Save a Life

I sat, quietly, in my chair both before and after group had ended. It was rather funny, because deep inside of the nooks and crannies in my heart, I was having a sudden rush of adrenaline. It felt oddly good to have my heart contained, deep inside of my body, and remain as statue-like as possible. One could even say I looked a little cold.

After group, I waited until everyone had left long before I even budged my fingers. I let my shoulders fall, silently, first, and then let my fingers twitch. Slowly, I came back to life and walked, emotionless, to my room.

Sure, people gave me weird looks, but I didn’t really care, to be perfectly honest. I was fine. Just the little red headed-girl that everyone sees, but no one ever really sees. When I got to my room, I shut the door behind me without an audible slam.

Sitting on my bed, I got lost in thought. Sleep wasn’t going to come, but you had. You wrapped your hands around mine and smiled at me, telling me it was all right to go into a ghastly state of grief. I shook my head. You were right there. Why would I have to go into that dark place called depression?

A knock at the door startled me. I turned, hand over my racing heart. I’d lost it by now. I gulped and walked towards the door, opening it slowly. Peeking out, I saw Erin’s eyes connect with my ocean-like ones. I smiled politely from the nerves and itching feeling under my skin to sprint away, and let her inside.

“You didn’t talk much during group today, Charlotte.” she told me. I nodded, quietly, almost subtly. If I spoke up, I would surely lose my posture. “What’s going on in your mind today?”

I shook my head, not wanting to speak. It was hard. How could mutes like Hailey stand it? I bit into my lip, teeth sinking deep enough into my pinkish flesh to bleed. Being my lips were also chapped, a touch of crimson was added to their natural color. How tragically un-opaque. “Charlotte, what’s going on through that mind of yours? What do you see when you look in to mirror?”

I turned slightly to the cover on my wall. There was a mirror in this room, and I’d covered it long before I could take it out myself. The black sheet yelled at me to look away, but my eyes remained stationary, almost full of sorrowful, glassy pieces of the sky.

Erin went over then and uncovered the mirror. She took my hand and lead me to my reflection, which I almost dreaded to see. Upon getting up to the mirror, I thought it was a painting, a joke. The girl had bags under her eyes, bruises and cuts up and down her pale, pale arms. She was extremely thin, and her hair was unwashed, and looked like she’d just died on the inside and gave up. Her eyes were hollow with madness.

That’s when the realization occurred. My eyes widened.

Was that me?

“I see a girl.” I spoke up, quietly. I kept my words as poised as possible, but that didn’t stop the tears from heading south. My body quaked with sobs. “That’s me. That’s me.” I wrapped my cold, blue tinted arms to console myself, but it was no use. My body was already a statue; cold, metal, and alone.

Erin put her hand on my back, gently, to calm me. “Charlotte, you know there’s still hope, right?” Sobs wreaked havoc under my skin. “You can still come out of your shell, still show you’re a bright, smart, and amazing girl.” Pause. “Charlotte, do you know why you’re here?”

I looked up, eyes stained red. “It’s because the pact we’d made.” I admitted. She was the first I’d told. “If anything happened to him, I was supposed to go down with him. Like a captain goes down with the ship.”

I sniffled. “And everyone blamed me for his flying away. He always dreamed of being a bird, just like me. We were the only ones who could relate. Only ones who could run against the wind, fight the crowd, and migrate south, unnoticed. We used to try and fly together,” I remembered everything you’d done to me: tainted drinks, bloodshot blue, and the ocean deep. Who we’d become wasn’t as beautiful as I’d hoped. Birds were beautiful things, weren’t they?

Erin nodded, quietly. I knew she was the only one who’d known. Even my parents hadn’t figured it out yet. I came with a blank sheet that simple had TIME BOMB stamped onto it in big, bold, rouge letters. And maybe I was. I couldn’t think straight, and immediately I lost the thought in the jumbles of my mind.

“Why haven’t you said anything like this in group?” she asked. “Charlotte, you need to speak up, or at least react to other people’s stories.”

“Birds react to things.” I alerted her. “They just don’t always show it, but they know.” I was starting to sound crazy at this point, but it was, honestly, how I felt from the bottom of my heart.

Erin gave me a concerned look. “Well, maybe telling the group would be good for you. You told me, and that’s great progress.”

“I’m not looking for progress. I’m looking for a way out...”

“Charlotte...”

“I need to fly.”

“Charlotte...!”

I turned to Erin, still curled up on the floor. My eyes were like waters that Poseidon had gotten to on a bad day. There were storms in them, hurricanes, and the words came out like sheets of rain.

“No one would understand what it’s like to open your arms and fly, even if they tried it.”