99 Ways to Save a Life

The room was quiet and unmoving while Leah was talkin’, and even if everyone was lookin’ at her I could sorta tell that their stares were empty, their minds off to somewhere else. That expression wasn’t a stranger to me at all; sometimes it’s the kinda face I see when I look in the mirror.

Still, there was somethin’ diff’rent about what she was sayin’; it wasn’t the usual bullcrap the rest of us usually dish out during group. Just random facts and boring memories, nothin’ really personal. But that wasn’t the case with Leah.

Her voice was shaky and she couldn’t look at anyone straight, as if she was ashamed or somethin’. I could understand how she felt, spillin’ stories about your messed up life to people who don’t know anythin’, and probably don’t even care anyway. That’s what I resented about this place the most, y’know? Forcin’ people to talk about stuff they didn’t wanna talk about. I’m sure they all have their reasons for havin’ secrets, like me; most of time it’s ‘cause it just infects old scars and makes them hurt more, instead of makin’ them better.

I didn’t wanna be one of those who’ll break down at some point, and even though Leah didn’t seem like the type when I first met her, I guess everyone’s got their limits. Although, I couldn’t deny that what she did, like, tell us her real story and not some made up shit… it was brave, and she deserved some credit for that.

I guess that’s what made me approach her after that, even if I sure as hell didn’t know what to say.

“Oh, hey, Anansi,” she beamed slightly, though it didn’t quite reach her eyes. She seemed tired; I think all that remembering the past was draining stuff, and I couldn’t blame her.

“Uhm…” I cleared my throat, shiftin’ my weight real uneasily between both feet. “What you did… that was really cool.”

I noticed from my peripheral that Erin, our mentor, hadn’t left the room and was like… observing us. I found that sorta eerie, and suddenly the room started to get way hot. I was gettin’ uncomfortable and itchy and I knew it was wrong and sick, but I was cravin’ for a drink. Whatever will do, even cheap beer you have to down halfa kegger of to get tipsy… I just wanted one so badly, right now.

Leah’s tiny smile grew a bit, even with the hesitant tears that seemed to flood her speech. “Thanks.”

“I think… it’s like the first time anyone’s did that. I mean, that I’ve seen. Y’know.” Uh-huh, now Erin’s all watchin’ us. That really doesn’t do anythin’ for me to stop needin’ my fix. I shouldn’t be thinkin’ ‘bout this anymore, but I can’t help it ‘cause I haven’t had one in days, weeks, and the detox program is just killer.

Leah stood up from her seat and patted her head, checkin’ for stray hairs, which was weird since it was always just up in this tight lil’ bun. “I know. Figured I had to try it sometime. You should, too.”

I opened my mouth to reply somethin’ really doubtful like “Sure, I will,” because I just said that I wouldn’t, ever, but then Erin walked up to us and interrupted us and shit.

“Nansi, Leah’s right. It will help more than you know,” Erin had this assuring grin which didn’t really convince me at all. Of course, that’s what they pay her to say, so that’s what she better be sayin’, right?

Leah gave a small nod and excused herself, which left me all alone with our mentor. And it prob’ly isn’t too hard to guess that it wasn’t really a situation I’d pay millions to be in.

“What you did with Leah was really cool too, Nan.” It sounded weird on her, ‘cause the words didn’t really fit with her voice. ‘Suppose she was tryin’ to keep me at ease, same kinda language and all, but it wasn’t workin’. And it wasn’t all too good that she keeps callin’ me all these nicknames only my friends should be using.

I did a half-assed wave and turned away from her; the session was over, why was she still houndin’ me? Was that still part of her job and shit?

“Wait, Nan, don’t you want to stay and talk?”

I glanced back at her, readjustin’ my cap since it was blocking my vision. I thought back to the session earlier and the crap I pulled as my contribution to today’s therapy. It was just a brief narration of what memory I still have from my time in the interrogation room.

I remember how it was all gray walls and hard tables, and freezin’ cold air, then this guy going all, “I’m going to need you to answer these questions as honestly as possible…” Blah blah blah, with a follow-up, “Is that all right with you?”

The guy said, who had a moustache, and was in his forties with this big beer belly, and seemed like the sorta father who’d take his kids to ice cream when they won a practice game (of baseball? That’s what they do ‘round here, right?) or somethin’. Unlike the other police guy who did the grillin’ about me liftin’ the bottles from the shop, who was crazy stern and sarcastic and all. Was this like the good cop, bad cop routine that was so overdone in the movies?

“Guess I don’t really have a choice,” I recall saying as impassively as I could manage.

Moustache Man instantly goes into the Q&A portion. Felt like some beauty pageant at some point, only it wasn’t just some sparkly crown at stake, but the difference between going to juvie and some camp thing where you can sort out your problems with kids just as fucked up as you. I mean, at least it’s without the rough and tough shit that’ll break your back a thousand times over, right?

“Is drinking making your home life unhappy?”

“Has your efficiency decreased since drinking?”

“Do you crave a drink at a definite time daily?”

“Do you drink to escape from worries or trouble?”

“Have you ever been to a hospital or institution on account of drinking?”

The answers were all yes, yes, yes, yes, and finally, hell yes.

Add a couple more questions, and even to anyone with half a brain cell, the result’s pretty obvious.

Anansi Ledger, fifteen-year-old male, half-Black and Filipino by heart, charged with shoplifting and illegal break-in, was a tried-and-tested alcoholic.

As if they had somethin’ left to prove.

I snap back to the present, and my gaze met up with Erin’s, seeing the kindness pasted on every unnoticed wrinkle on her face, before I tore away from it abruptly.

“I think I’ve done enough talkin’ for today,” I shrugged as I buried my hands deep in the pockets of my baggy combat shorts. I couldn’t tell her that she was wastin’ her time in pryin’ me open, ‘cause it might just disappoint her into, I dunno... retiring?

After all, there isn’t much to be done for a kid who, for all the life in him, just wanted to get wasted.