99 Ways to Save a Life

Ciara lay stretched out over her bunk, clutching a blue pen in her right hand, the blank page in front of her blotched with specks of ink and her eyes and cheeks still wet with frustrated tears. She had the horrible tight feeling in her throat, but she refused to cry again. In her view, she had no reason to cry.

Her pen met the paper. Slowly, she printed the words, it's not my fault. She stared at them for a while, taking in every detail of the words, each individual letter meaning something to her. She sighed heavily, a million and one thoughts flying around in her brain but not giving her any chance to understand or write them down. She decided to try at least, and she began printing words again, but quicker this time.

How did I end up here? My parents put me here … but I don't belong here. I'm not that bad, am I? There are troubled people here, and compared to them I have no problem at all. I'm just wasting everyone's time, as usual. I hate this. I shouldn't be here. All of these people have awful problems and then there's me. Well, I know Ma and Da just put me in this place because they can't be bothered with me anymore. I know that's the truth.

Ciara thought about her life immediately before she ended up here in this place. She couldn't think of anything that she had done wrong. Sure, she had argued with her parents, but what sixteen year old didn't?

Apparently, according to some doctor and a slip of paper, I have a mental illness. What does that mean exactly? I know I don't work the same to other people, but that's no reason to call me troubled!

There were footsteps outside the room. Ciara froze, her whole body stiffening, glaring at the door as though daring it to open. The footsteps went past, and Ciara's whole body visibly relaxed. She wasn't good with people, never had liked them. It stemmed from her school days, the days of taunting and bullying. She shook her head.

“No! I don't want to think about it!”

“Ciara? Who are you speaking to?”

Ciara swore violently, mentally retreating into herself at the thought of people. Trust Erin to be eavesdropping outside the door, no doubt wondering why Ciara had missed one of the team-building exercises. She knocked and came in the room.

“That's nothing to do with you.”

“Ciara.”

Ciara did not like Erin's tone one bit. It was her serious, you-are-going-to-listen-to-me-whether-you-like-it-or-not tone.

“What?”

“You missed another activity today.”

“So?”

“So, I told you that you had better come today. You can't mope in here all day.”

“I'm not moping. I'm sitting by myself writing. Is that a crime?”

“It would do you some good to know some of the others. You're all in the same position.”

“I don't have a problem.”

“Don't lie to yourself, Ciara.”

“I don't have a problem! It was never me with the problem! It was always other people!”

“Why are you here, Ciara?” Erin asked gently.

“Because my mother got knocked up with another kid and decided that there wasn't enough room for me now the baby has been born, that's why!”

“That's not all of it, is it, Ciara?”

“Go away!” Ciara shrieked suddenly, slamming her pen down onto the paper.

“I just want you to tell me the other reason why you're here.” Erin said patiently. She was no stranger to being shouted at.

“There is only one reason and I've just told you it.”

“Ciara. You and I both know that there's another reason.” Erin watched Ciara with worried eyes. “Please. Just tell me.”

“You've seen the forms. You already know.”

“I just want you to say it.”

“Will you go away and leave me alone if I do?”

Erin sighed.

“Fine, then. OK, I'll go away if you just say it.”

“I have –” Ciara couldn't say it. Tears sprang to her eyes and she turned away. “Never mind.”

“Please, Ciara. It will be a big step.” Erin reached over and gently squeezed Ciara's hand. To her surprise, the teenager didn't immediately yank it away. Ciara's hand twitched as though she was thinking about it, but her hand remained in the same place.

“I …” Ciara sighed. She finished the sentence in a whisper. “Have schizophrenia.”

It was the very thing that Ciara didn't want to say. She had been telling herself that it wasn't anything to do with her as a way of dealing with the rejection she was feeling. Tears spurted down her cheeks and she sniffed. She didn't like admitting that she had a problem, but she knew that she couldn't lie to herself anymore.

“If you can admit to the problem, Ciara, you're already halfway there.” Erin said gently, and Ciara nodded, still sniffing. “Come here, you,” Erin said softly, and she pulled Ciara into a hug, and Ciara held her back, and they stayed like that for a very long time.