99 Ways to Save a Life

Haven’t you ever wondered what it feels like to be a bird? I’m sure everyone has, at least once. And anyone who hasn’t is the one that belongs here. I shouldn’t be sitting in this room, staring blankly at a list of who I have to deal with over the next however many weeks slash months. It should be someone else. Maybe it should be you.

I’m not crazy. It’s pure science. In science class two years ago, when we were both but thirteen, awkward with glasses and braces, we learned about vestigial features: parts of the anatomy that are useless to us. Sort of like my tonsils, or even someone’s mind when it goes mad.

It’s proven birds have fingers, much like a humans. It just so happens they’re covered in feathers, so you can’t see them. You only see them in x-rays in class or on the Internet.

So why shouldn’t a human be able to fly? Not in a giant hunk of metal that gets lifted into the sky and releases all kinds of pollutants, but like what we used to do as kids. Flap your arms and go.

Everyone dreams about touching a cloud, so why shouldn’t it happen? Weren’t we taught to make our dreams come true? I did what I was taught, and ended up here.

I picked up the list with my thin and fragile fingers, and looked at the names. Leah and Matthew. Others as well. Some of them I couldn’t remember how to pronounce. I scratched my head in confusion when I also looked to the bottom of the list and didn’t see my name.

At that moment, I heard a knock on the door. I glided across the carpet, twisted the small knob to the right and pulled. In the doorway was Erin, whom I had met only moments ago at the front entrance. The one who ran group. Maybe I could ask her what was going on.

“Hey Charlotte,” she said. Her eyes gave me a one-over like they had, briefly, in the lobby. She smiled lightly at me. “Can we talk for a moment.” I nodded, holding the door wider for her to come in. After closing the door and turning back, Erin sat on the edge of the twin sized bed, beckoning for me to sit as well. I did as I was told, and sat, folding my hands in my lap.

“Charlotte,” she started quietly. “Why do you think you’re here?”

“Because everyone is convinced there’s something wrong with me,” I told her bluntly. “No offense Erin, but you’re wrong. Everyone is. They don’t really know me. I’m perfectly fine. I’m alive, and happy with my life.” I smiled at her, to add a little effect. “Can I please leave? I really don’t feel comfortable here.”

Erin looked right at me with those eyes of hers. “Charlotte, you can’t leave until you have at least one group session.”

“Then why aren’t I on the group list?”

She took a breath. “Because...” she paused. “You need to at least understand why you’re here first.”

“I told you,” I stated. “I’m here because people can’t listen to my words and think there’s more to them when I say something. People twist words Erin. you can’t say anything without offending someone anymore.”

She sighed. “Charlotte, what was the last thing you did before you came here?”

I pretended to think back to what had happened a month ago, when in reality, I knew perfectly well what happened. You and I had talked about flying one day, and then, you didn’t show up to school. Tons of rumors flew around, and I was the only one who knew the truth.

Everyone blamed me, so I did the only thing I could think of. I went to our spot on the bridge. It was one of those days where it’s a comfortable kind of cool out, and it’s drizzling just that little bit. I had looked up at the rain and waited to touch a cloud as I pushed myself off of our perch at the edge of the bridge that’s about three stories from the water below.

“I flew away.” I told her. “It’s all I could do. I can’t drive, and I can’t get too far with the local bus. I had no money to get on a train. It was the only way out.”

“What were you escaping from Charlotte?” she asked.

I looked her in the eyes and said, “I didn’t try to kill myself.”

She nodded and got herself up off of the edge of the bed. She walked towards the door and twisted the knob to the right. She turned to me. “See you in group tomorrow.” She opened the door. “Be on time.” I nodded as she walked out. As the door closed behind her, I couldn’t help but think.

Tomorrow I was to be with kids “like me”. Kids who didn’t know the difference between right and wrong. Kids with no good judgment.

Would they judge me the wrong way too?