True Confessions

You know you have to grow up fast when your parents let you go to doctor's appointments instead of waiting at your aunt Natz's house. They tell you to be quite and you learn early on how to bite your tongue. They never have time for you or any of your silly qualms, so you keep to yourself. You begin to feel older than you are, you feel worn down and your bones are in so much pain there is the threat of them popping out of your skin. And you know it's officially over, despite the few last lines of gold thrown out in front of you, when you stop trick-or-treating at 8 instead of 15 and your parents have a 'halloween basket' out for you on the morning just like on easter. You watch your excited sibling go through it like it's something magical, but you just stare down the sweet candies and tears well up in your eyes. Those go away soon too. And that desprite first bite into a Snickers bar becomes less painful, you just learn to ignore the hurt.

So now it isn't so hard to ignore the pain. I just let myself shut down and try to forget all the happy memories that never really existed. Sometimes I pretend I made them up like a dream. But then there really is no excuse for the depression and the suicidal tendencies if it's all made up.

Sometimes I really need an escape. I'm ready to break. My eyes are turnign red, my vision is beginning to blur. Something inside of me is holding on for dear life, but what's the point? I'll go insane if it doesn't go away. It's like that anxious feeling y ou get when you can't reach somethng you desperately need. I needed my sanity, and it was lagging behind a bit.

"True?"

"What!"

I gave him a furious look I probably intended for someone else, it just popped out unexpectedly.

"You're talking to yourself, are you okay?"

"Just fine... So there's this way that things should be, could be, is it that?"

"What?"

But my eyes had already crossed in concentration, I didn't need them to see him and that girl holding hands.

So take me to sleep. Because I haven't gotten any in days, maybe weeks. The minutes I've been awake have all blended into one single memory that's taking over my aching brain.

I have this migrane that could beat your tears up and dry them out before you could even think about letting them fall.

"True? True, school's being let in."

Walk. Walk. Walk. Veer left, avoid all-knowing eyes. Unlock my locker and gather up all the books. Robotic for me.

First period, exam. 100 on that. I can guarentee it.
Second period. Work on project.
Third period. Can't even remember what I did. I know I got a hundred on that exam too though. Easy.
Fourth/Fifth period block. Art. Hell. He sits right behind me. I can feel his eyes on my back, burning tiny little holes into my skin. I feel the sweat start to form little pools in the crevices of my body.
Sixth/Seventh period block. My only escape, the place I can set my brain free. Math.

"True?"

"Yes?"

"You're talking to yourself. No talking during a test."

"Sorry."

Eight period. Lunch.
Ninth period. Civics. Hard exam...
Tenth period. Spanish. I don't know about that one, I have a feeling I didn't study enough.

Bus. Oh no, the dread. The ride to the home I want to escape, yet school is a place I want to escape as well. Where can I turn when there is nowhere to hide, and the spotlights are hot on me?

"Hi mom."

"Hi sweetie. Hi Jake."

Jake? Whoa... I can't even remember him getting on the bus with me. Room. Get there quick. Fix my eyes on my homework, try harder than anything to get into it. I'm failing at that miserably.

Words of mine fall onto sick pages of white. They stick, but I'm not sure if I like their arrangement. Oh my god. What;s wrong with me? Something serious. I've been talking to myself. That's a sure sign of craziness.

I should go to bed, but everytime I try my eyes stay open and my brain fails to shut down to sleep.