True Confessions

So maybe my decision wasn't the best. But who are you to judge? Have you not made mistakes in your life you wish you could take back?

I wish I could take back my tongue, it slips the words out of my mouth too fast, I never have enough time to catch them before they fall out. Next time I should eat them. They'll be bitter, but they'll be one less mistake I wish I could take back.

I wish I could stitch every tear I've ever cried onto my skin so the whole world could walk by me and see the pain I've suffered without the effort of looking behind my eyes. I'll just lay it all out for them, I'll expose myself. It's worse than being naked in a crowded room, I would suppose.

I wish it could have been me. I wish I was the retarded one, the one to be picked at, the burning scab of society that no one can wait for to be gone. I want to take that burden off of my Jake. My sweet, little brother Jake.

It's 4 a.m. and I'm still not sleeping. I've been dreading today, and when the clock struck midnight hours ago, I wandered into this place of thought. It's dark and cold here. It's a place I don't want to be, and I want to get out. I've been seduced however, and I can't pull out of the seduction's grip.

I have a headache, but what will one hour of sleep vefore school give me but more reason to pull the warm blanklets over my head? I'll just have a struggle with the vicious stumbling over words and people thinking I'm drunk in school. But maybe that will get me a trip to the principal's office where I can rest my head on the stiff arm chairs and let my eyelids fall over, just as I'm telling him how good my life is and how much I love everything ang everyone around me.

That, however, would be a lie I couldn't pull off no matter how hard I tried. My mouth won't form lies. It just won't have it.

So how to deal with Luke tomorrow?

Oh, here comes the clammoring of sighs up my lungs. He's blowing me off. I hate im for it, and each minute the hate grows stronger and the darkness takes over my soul.

Perhaps that's a bit overdramatic, isn't it?

Maybe I'll just read, and my eyes will shut. Forever. And the next time I'll see him they'll be so tight together nothing can pry them open, and my body is filled with chemicals so they know I'm really dead. And the mortician will have applied so much makeup you won't see the zit on the side of my nose, or the odd litte spider shaped scar just under my right eye from the time I left a bandaid on too long and yanked it off too fast.

Maybe my mother will actuall show feeling towards me by crying, or letting out dry sobs of how much she misses me. Maybe my father will finally crack and give up himself, maybe I'm just being a little bit over the top. Maybe Jake will be the only one who will remember me in twenty years, when he is supposed to be at the age of having children, but will have no one to give my memory to.

Maybe Luke will understand what he means to me.

Just maybe.

I'll pick up my father's book...

BEEP

I should have never set that alarm. Now I have to face the world. And I really don't want to... No, today will be the day I hide.