Tales From A Small Blue Notebook

It was a fantastic night in Kansas City. The Taste of Chaos tour had already gotten off to a good start and everyone was feeling super pumped after the show was over. The crowd had been insane with the usual screaming fans and I even caught two girls crying during one of our new songs ‘Gunslinger’. It’s so flattering to be able to see that happen, to know that your work impacts another persons life so much to where they are at the brink of tears. This is why I love to do what I do.

I headed back stage with the rest of the guys to change into some new clothes and take a quick shower before we had to head back to the bus. We have a show in Minnesota tomorrow so I wasn’t really looking forward to the long drive. I’d probably just sleep through most of anyway so I guess it wasn’t too bad.

The shower didn’t take too long so after I was done I packed up my stage clothes and put them into a bag to take back to the bus. Brian was the only one left behind so I waved and said I’d see him in a minute before I walked out the door. He was still signing some stuff for some fans that were lingering around so I knew that he’d be about another 10 minutes. He’s a chatter box.

I pulled my hood up over my head and zipped up my jacket. The weather had surprisingly turned really cold and windy compared to the warm breeze that had been going on earlier in the day. I guess that’s just Missouri for you.

As I walked back to the bus, and wishing that I had not worn basketball shorts, I saw that there were a few girls about the ages of 15 to 18 standing in a huddle around the area of where I was headed. Fans I thought to myself so I tried to stand up a little more straighter as I walked. I didn’t want them to think that I was some slouch when they saw me.

One of the girls let out a gasp when she saw me come around the corner and I instantly smiled with a small polite wave.

“I’ll be out in a minute.” I told them and they all smiled and waved back to me, obviously happy that I wasn’t going to ditch them in the blistering cold.

I stepped back to let the bus door open and quickly climbed inside. I knew I loved warm California for a reason.

Johnny and Zacky were already playing X-Box live when I came up the steps and I couldn’t help but let out a small laugh.

“You two just got back and you’re already playing that game…I call winner.”

Zacky laughed but his eyes never left the screen. “Well then I guess you’ll be going against me since Mr. Christ here can’t play MLB to save his sad pathetic life.”

“Hey I’m not sad or pathetic.” Johnny retorted, “This just shows that you have no life outside of digital baseball. I‘ll be the one getting all the girls while you‘re the one in here fighting with little boys through your headset.”

“You keep telling yourself that midget.” Zacky joked and took the opportunity during a small break in the game to clap him on the shoulder. “It’s not time that makes me good, it’s skill. And what are you talking about getting girls? You’re lucky that Lacey puts up with you ass.”

They continued to bicker through the rest of the game and I just shook my head with a small laugh. Both in their mid twenties and they still fight like little kids. It’s kind of entertaining.

“Well I’m gonna go change into some sweat pants before I go back out there.” I told them as I got up from the small couch. “Are you gonna go say hi too?”

“Yeah I’ll be out there after you.” Zacky said, taking five dollars from a sour-faced Johnny. I assumed that he would have lost.

“Alright.” I answered and made my way to the back of the bus where my bunk was located. Where are you? I thought as I dug around in my bag for my favorite pair of black sweat pants. I sure as hell wasn’t going back out there in anything that wasn’t going to keep me warm. Hell would have to freeze over first.

Finally after about two minutes of searching I found the fuckers at the bottom of my bag and quickly pulled them out. I didn’t want to keep the girls waiting any longer than I had to.

I took the few small steps that led to where the bathroom was and found that it was locked. I knocked to see who was in there and heard Jimmy’s distant groans on the other side.

“Hey man are you alright?” I asked him and I pressed my ear to the door, his only reply being another groan.

“He said he wasn’t feeling well.” Johnny said from his spot on the couch, giving up on trying to beat Zacky and just watched him play in single player mode. “He thinks it might be food poisoning from an egg he ate earlier. I told him that they weren’t supposed to be green in the middle but he didn’t listen to me.”

I rolled my eyes as I turned my attention back to the door. “Jimmy how many times have I told you that you’re not supposed to eat the food that’s left out? You always put it back in the fridge when you’re done.”

I felt sympathy for the man but I knew sometime or another he’d have this coming to him. Jimmy would eat food off the floor he thought was still edible if you’d let him. He calls it his ‘20 second’ rule.

“I’ll be out in a little while…” he mumbled and I left to leave him in his misery.

“Feel better Jim.” I consoled and walked back to my bunk. Now that I knew that I would have no place to change into I just pulled my pants on over my shorts. They didn’t look too bad.

I was about to head back outside when our manager Larry called out my name.

“Yeah?” I replied as I turned around and saw that he was making his way to where I was standing.

“Are you going out there with those fans?” he asked and I nodded my head. “Matt you know you’ve got to have someone go out there with you. Is Dan back yet?”

“No he’s still back in the building with Brian.” I answered. “You want to go out there with me? I’m sure they’d love to meet old Larry Jacobson.”

He gave me a sheepish smile as he shook his head. “Nah I don’t think so. They probably don’t even know who I am.”

“Oh come on.” I insisted, giving him my award winning smile. “I’m sure they do and like you said I can’t go out there alone. Please?”

He jokingly rolled his eyes and started to follow me down the steps. “Alright I guess I will then.”

The girls were happy to see me to say the least. I got pictures with all of them and like I said all of them knew who Larry was. I couldn’t help but give him a small wink when a couple of them asked for pictures. His reply being, “Me? What do you want a picture with me for I’m not anything special.”

I noticed that two of the girls were the exact same ones that had been crying in the front row. They seemed to act a little shy around me so I made sure to put a little more of my arm around them when it was the big photo op moment. They were pretty cool for the usual teenage girl fans. I was thankful that they weren’t screaming or anything but were actually pretty calm and collected. The ones that me and the rest of the guys actually like talking to.

I walked back onto the bus after we were done and took Johnny’s old position beside Zacky on the floor.

“Prepare to lose Vengeance.”

****************

Almost 30 minutes had passed and we still hadn’t left yet. The game between me and Zacky had gotten pretty interesting with me owing him about 50 dollars and him owing me around 40. We only stopped so that Zacky could take a small break and go talk to the girls. Johnny and Jimmy went after him together and we resumed our game.

It was the sudden death round when Dan and Brian finally walked back onto the bus. “What the hell took you so long?” I asked as my eyes stayed glued to the screen, my player was up to bat and I sure as hell wasn’t going to let Zacky strike me out again.

“Sorry we got caught up talking to the fans.” Brian replied and plopped down on the couch, a fresh beer already in hand. “And I think Dan’s got a new girlfriend.”

“Oh shut up.” Danny bossed and I raised my eyebrow at them.

“What are you guys talking about?”

“Nothing.” Dan said, interrupting Brian before he could say anything. “Just some lady that had about one too much to drink I think.”

“That’s not what it looked like to me.” Brian laughed, “I think you luuuve her.”

It didn’t take much longer for Dan to sock Brian in the shoulder, only making him laugh harder. “Aww little Danny’s got a crush.”

“I do not have a crush.” Danny raged and continued to hit the hysterical Brian.

Me and the rest of the guys were laughing too but were shortly interrupted by a loud pounding on the entrance to the bus.

“What the hell is that?” Dan asked, taking a break on Brian and going towards the steps to where the pounding only increased. “Yeah?” he asked as he opened the door.

I got up from my spot on the floor and walked over to see who he was talking to. It was one of the fan girls.
“You’ve got to help me.” She stammered, “My friend, my friend she’s in-trouble and I need one of you to help calm her down.”

“What happened?” Dan asked, taking a step closer to the trembling girl. “Who’s in-trouble?”

“My friend Treva.” she cried, “She just got a call from her father saying that her mom died. She’s locked herself up in that church over there and she’s threatening to kill herself. You’ve got to help her. You guys would be the only ones who she’d listen to, I just know it.”

Danny looked over to the spot where the girl was pointing to and I copied him.

“Which one of us do you think she’d listen to the most?” I calmly asked her. She was really freaking out.

“Absolutely not.” Dan ordered. “Who knows what kind of weapon this girl has with her. It’s my job to keep you safe and there ain’t no way in hell I’m letting you go.”

I ignored his demand as I pushed past him on the steps. “She’s one of my fans Dan. How do you think I’d feel if she did kill herself and I knew I could have saved her? One of us is going.” I looked back to the grief-stricken girl in front of me. “Which one of us do you want to go sweetie?”

“You.” she whispered, “She seems to like you the most.”

I nodded and turned back for just a second to look at the rest of them. They all looked pretty shocked with a mixture of worry.

“Be careful man.” Zacky said, “Don’t get yourself killed too if you can’t save her.”

I nodded as I gave them a small wave. “I’ll be alright. If I’m not back in about 10 minutes send someone after me.”

“Well I’m coming with you too.” Dan demanded. “I can’t let you go alone.”

I gave him a small smile as I took the last step off the bus and turned my attention back to the girl. “What’s your name honey?”

“My name’s Amber.” she replied, her voice still trembling along with her shaking hands. “Matt do you think you’ll be able to talk her out of it? I’ve never seen her so upset.”

“I’m going to try my best.” I said with as much comfort as I could, “Don’t worry Amber. You’re friend’s going to be alright.”

She led me through the back way of the church where she said her friend had gone in. The door was locked and there seemed to be only a small amount of light leaking from under the crack in the door.

“What did you say her name was?” I quietly asked Amber.

“Her name’s Treva.” she squeaked, “Treva Dawn.”

I nodded as I turned my attention back to the closed door in front of me, my knuckles lightly brushing the faded white paint as I knocked. “Treva? Treva, sweetie are you in there?”

I could hear faint sobs emitting from the other side, maybe ten feet away from where I was standing. “I said go away.” She threatened and I immediately started to think of what I was going to say to her.

“Treva it’s Matt…Matt Sanders. Sweetheart please come out so that I can talk to you.”

It was silent for a few moments before she answered. “Matt? What are you doing here?”

“I came to talk to you.” I repeated. “You’re friends are pretty upset and we all want to know how you are. Can you please come out?”

“How do you think I am?” she wept. “and I’ve already told all of you to leave me alone. There’s nothing left for me out there.”

“Sure there is.” I tried to implore. “I’m sure there are plenty of people out here that love you and would hate to see you leave them Treva.”

“What do you care?” she fumed. “You don’t know them and you surely don’t know me. How did you know I was even here?”

“You’re best friend Amber came and asked for my help. Treva, she and the rest of your friends are really upset that you’ve locked yourself up in there. Won’t you come out so that we can talk face to face?”

“I’m not coming out.” she professed. “I’m staying right here where no one can get to me…I don’t want to be here anymore.”

I was starting to panic now. Who knew how much time I had left? “Treva please think about what you’re doing.” I pleaded. “Just don’t do anything irrational right now ok? You’re just extremely upset and you might change your mind when you’ve calmed down a little bit. Please don’t do this.”

“I’ve made up mind Matt…it’s too late.” and that’s when I heard the gun cock.

My heart was racing. If I couldn’t save her I knew that I would have this on my mind for the rest of my life. “Sweetheart please stop!” I once again begged. “Will you talk if I come in there and talk to you? Just you and me?”

It was silent for a few moments before she replied back to me, her voice still cracking with pain. “Just you and me?…you won’t let anyone else come in with you?”

“No one else.” I rejoiced, relieved that she was at least thinking about not throwing her life away. “Will you unlock the door?”

Once again she was silent. Maybe thirty seconds passed before she finally decided to take a few steps toward the door, unlocking it and then shuffling back to where she was standing. I had made a breakthrough.

I looked at Dan before I put my hand on the door handle and gave him a re-assuring nod. “I’ll be back I promise.”

I looked at Amber next and her expression had not yet changed. “Please save her Matt.” she agonized and I put my hand on her shoulder to give her light comforting squeeze.

“Treva’s going to be alright. When I get her out of here we’re gonna take her back to my bus alright? You are more than welcome to come too.”

She nodded before she looked down to her trembling hands. They must be best friends.

I took in a deep breath as I turned back to the poorly aged door. My hand was still on the knob and I slowly turned it, not wanting to go to fast so I wouldn’t startle Treva.
She was sitting in an old rocking chair when I fully opened the door, her legs were pulled up to her chest and a very noticeable silver gun was placed in her right hand. It made me wonder how she had gotten it since she looked to only be about seventeen.

“Hi.” I said as I came into her sight. I figured easy conversation was going to have to be enough to get this started.

“Shut the door behind you.” She ordered. “And lock it too.”

I did as she asked and turned to close the door, locking it to meet her full demand. Slowly I turned back around to face her, my hands clear for her to see so that she knew I wasn’t going to try and pull anything on her. “Thank you for letting me in honey…now will you finally talk to me?”

She perched her chin on top of her legs as she continued to stare at me, the grip on the gun not loosening one bit. “Give me one good reason to.” She said. “How do I know that once I let you take me out of here you’re not just gonna send me away to some mental hospital?”

“You have my word.” I promised. “All I want to do is figure out a way to make you feel better sweetie. Taking your life is not the answer to your problems. Your mom wouldn’t want you to do that would she?”

“Don’t talk about my mom like you knew her.” She spat. “No one here knows how I feel or what the hell I’m going through so let’s just stop this whole parade with you pretending like you actually care.” Once again she cocked the gun.

“But I do care about you Treva.” I tried to say. “You’re the girl that I saw in the front row and center during the concert. You were with your friends and you looked like you were having so much fun. It makes me happy that I’m the one that caused that.”

“Well I’m not happy now…” she cried, her eyes turning bloodshot from all the tears that she had let escape. I tried to slowly move towards her.

“I know you’re not sweetie.” I tried to console, slowly taking more steps forward with as much as I could get away with. “But that’s why I’m here. So that I can help figure out a way to make you happy again.”

She saw me advancing on her and she gripped the gun tighter, pointing it at me and I stood frozen in my tracks. “Stay where you are.” She dictated and I was more than willing to do what she said, Zacky’s words still flashing through my mind.

“Don’t do anything irrational now,” I said as I still kept my hands up, letting her know that my intentions were not to upset her. “Just please…give me the gun so that I can talk to you better. I can’t help you if there’s a gun in my face.”

The gun slowly lowered and I thought if it would be a good idea to try and take a step towards her again, not knowing what she might do and just shoot me instead of herself. I would take a chance I guess.
She didn’t do anything when I took another step towards her direction, the gun back at her side as I was now standing directly in front of her. She looked up at me as I looked down at her and my hand slowly went for the gun. “Please Treva…you don’t want to do this. Can I have it please?”

Once again she was silent and my hand kept reaching. I knew I was only inches now and soon my hand would be on the cold metal. If I could just touch it I knew that I could get it out of her grip before anything happened. Still I reached and yet she didn’t move. My fingertips collided with the barrel of the small .45 and soon my hand was enclosing around it. I went to take it out of her hand completely but yet her grip just tightened once more.
“Come on Treva.” I tried to once again beg with. “Just give me the gun and all of this will be over with.”

“You’ll just leave once I give it to you though.” she whispered, “Leaving me alone just like everything else.”

“No I won’t.” I once again promised her. “I’ll stay right here with you until you think you’re ready to come out there with everyone else. I promise.”

She looked deep into my eyes as I guess she tried to search for any trace of a lie. I knew she believed me because eventually her grip on the gun loosened and I took it completely out of her hand, quickly disarming it and sliding the remaining pieces to the other side of the room.

She started to tremble with sobs after I had taken her weapon and she placed her head in her hands, her back shaking with her tears that seemed like they would never come to an end. “She’s gone Matt…” was all she could say as I took her into my arms, placing her in my lap as I pulled up another chair beside the one that she had been sitting in.

“It’s going to be ok Treva.” I whispered into her ear, rocking her in my arms as she continued to soak my t-shirt with her tears. “You just did a very brave thing you know.”

“Wow I d-didn’t kill myself how b-brave am I?” she stuttered through her mourning. “I’m nothing b-but a c-coward.”

I smoothed out her hair with my hand as I continued to hold her, my arms gaining a little strength from around her tiny waist as I turned her head so that she would look at me. “You’re not a coward. You’re a beautiful young woman who has just lost her mother. Many people feel the same way as you when these things happen.”

“What they all try to kill themselves?” she asked me as she rested the side of her head on my shoulder, her arms resting against my chest. “Must be some fucked up world.”

“You’re not fucked up Treva. You’re just very upset and I know how you feel too believe it or not.”

She let out a small sniffle as she looked at me now. “How?”

“My grandpa died about five weeks ago…we were very close so I know what kind of pain you’re going through. I loved him very much but I know that he’s probably in a better place now. He knew that I loved him and it’s not like we’re not ever going to see each other again…the same goes for you and your mom. She knew you loved her and you know the same for her. Time will pass but you will heal enough to bear the pain of letting her go.”

She continued to rest her head against my shoulder. Her sobs had died down to small sniffles by now and she brushed her fingers across her cheeks to brush her tears away. “Thank you Matt…thank you so much for talking me out of it and actually caring. I never thought in a million years that you’d ever be the one there for me if this ever happened.”

I couldn’t help but let out a small chuckle. She was a really sweet girl. “No problem at all sweetheart.” I said as I placed a small kiss on top of her head. “Now do you think that you’d like to get out of here? I’m sure Amber is worried sick about you.”

She let out a small, dry laugh as well. “Probably…I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s pulled out all her hair by now.”

I smiled down at her and gently helped her off of my lap, taking her hand and leading her back to the door. Amber pulled her into her arms as soon as she saw her and I watched from the side as the two young women had their long needed reunion. Both of them had started crying again and I stood beside Dan as we both waited for them to calm down. I was going to keep my promise to her by not leaving until she needed me to and I was intended to stick to that promise.

About five minutes later Amber and Treva had calmed down and Amber turned to me with the biggest hug that she could have probably given. I hugged her back, sliding my arms around her small back as she muffled a ‘Thank you for everything’ into my chest. I’m sure she would have said more but she looked as if she was about to start crying again.

“Like I told Treva it’s no problem at all Am. I care for all my fans.”

She nodded and let go to only have Treva give me a hug next. “I love you Matt…” she mumbled into my t-shirt. “You’re a wonderful person.”

I looked down at her with the most comforting smile that I could muster. “I love you too Treva…now let’s get you back to my bus so that we can get you two cleaned up.”

The both seemed to turn a little pink with embarrassment, probably thinking that their mascara was running down their face but it wasn’t. I just didn’t want them to stand out in the cold while they waited for their parents to come pick them u p. Plus they still looked pretty shaken up and I wanted them to calm down before they had to leave.

“Let me introduce you to the rest of my friends.” I told them as we got back to the bus, opening the door and allowing the rest of their friends to come inside as well.

And as I heard the gasps come from the rest of the young women, and the look on Treva’s face when Zacky swept her into his lap that everything was going to be alright.