Tales From A Small Blue Notebook

Lying down in my bed I closed my eyes trying to rest, but my body just wouldn’t allow me to do it. My mind was still racing with all those things that had happened so many months ago. I just couldn’t get used to the fact that he was no longer here with me.
I had tried giving it time, allowing myself to heal in hopes of making my pain go away, but nights like these when the house was quiet and it was just myself, I would think about him. The events played freshly in my mind as I remembered that fateful night.

He called me telling me that he was going to be home shortly after a long day in the studio. I smiled into the phone as I heard his soothing voice, saying that he loved me at the end. 7 years of being together and even after having a beautiful baby boy between the both of us, I could never hold back the smile when he told me those three sweet words.

I casually hung up the phone after we said our “see you in a minute” and walked into the kitchen to make a hot cup of tea. It was around the middle of January so it was still pretty cold outside.
Taking the steaming cup out of the microwave, I held the mug up to my nose to allow the hot steam to warm my face. Smiling with satisfaction of the beverage I tipped it to my lips and took a small sip. The liquid was hot but not scalding enough to burn me.
Sitting on the couch I turned on the TV to try and pass by some time until he came home. Suddenly I heard the phone begin to ring from the dining room and let out a small groan from already becoming comfortable in my seat. I set her mug on the wooden coffee table and walked over to the phone. Who could it be calling at around 10:30 at night?

I picked the phone off the receiver and pressed it to my ear. “Hello?”

“Mrs. Haner?” A man said who seemed to be in around his early 40’s late 30’s.

“Yes this is her.”

“Hello this is officer Mitchell from the LA Police department…there has been an accident with a car under your name.”

My heart immediately began to pound against my chest and my breathing became irritated. “W-What? Is Brian alright? What happened?”

“I’ll explain everything once you get down here m’am. We’re at the intersection of West International and North Brook. You need to hurry.”

“Thank you officer I’ll be right down there.” I hung up the phone and immediately began to dial my best friend Treva’s phone number. “Come on, pick up, pick up.” I said as I waited for her to answer her phone.

Finally after 3 rings I heard the line pick up, but instead her husband Matt answered. “Hello?”

“Hey Matt it’s Amber. I’m sorry for calling so late but it’s an emergency.”

“Oh hey Amber. No it’s not a problem at all. What’s going on?”

“I can’t really explain right now cause I don’t have time but will you do me a favor?”

“Yeah sure sweetie. What is it?”

“Can you come over here and watch Michael for like 30 minutes please? I have to leave for a little while and I can’t really take him with me.”

“Ummm yeah sure. What about Brian though?” He asked with a small amount of hesitation.

“That’s why I have to leave. Brian’s been in a car accident.”

“What?! Holy hell, yeah I’ll be right there.”

“Thank you so much Matt. Michael’s sleeping so he should be a problem when you get here.”

“Alright babe. Hurry up and get to him. Call me from your cell when you find out anything alright?”

“I promise. See you in a few.” I hung up and quickly grabbed my coat from the hallway closet. Snatching my keys from the coffee table I crammed them into my pocket and ran out the front door, locking it behind me. All the guys had a spare key so I wasn’t worried about Matt not being able to get inside.

My mind was racing with panic as I jumped into my car and sped off to my given destination. I couldn’t believe that this was happening. I had just talked to him on the phone more than a matter of 15 minutes ago!

As I drove closer to the intersection where the wreck was I saw about 2 ambulances and a fire truck blocking my entrance, therefore causing me to get out of her car and practically sprint to where all the paramedics were.

I looked everywhere for Brian but couldn’t spot him through the crowds of people looking at the scene. I pushed herself through not caring if I was rude to them and found a police officer. “Where is he?”

That’s all I had to say for the man to know who I was talking about. His face remained calm in an attempt to keep me the same but I was becoming more impatient with each passing second.

“Your husband has been taken to the emergency room Mrs. Haner. Would you like me to give you a ride up there?”

I quickly nodded my head as I followed him to his police cruiser. I kept her eyes away from our car, not wanting to see the damage because that would have only increased my panic.

Sliding into the passenger seat beside him we sped off onto the highway, the police officer turning his lights on so that we could pass quickly through the traffic.

Around 3 minutes later we arrived at the entrance to the ER and I quickly ran inside, not caring if the officer could keep up with me. I went over to the receptionist and gave Brian’s information asking which room that he was in. By now the police officer had caught up with me as she gave me the number and we both ran down the long white hallway. I turned a corner and saw many doctors running in and out of one particular room. 138.

Brian’s room…

Once again I ran as fast as my feet would carry me but only being stopped by a doctor in a long white coat.

“I’m sorry m’am but you can’t come in here.”

“No! That‘s my husband in there, I want to see him!” I yelled at the man, my emotions already getting the better of myself.

The doctor kept his expression strong and firm, standing in front of me so that I couldn’t pass. “We’re doing everything we can to treat him Mrs. Haner. We can’t do our job if you are in the way. Now please…just sit down in the waiting room and we will call for you when we need you.”

I crossed my arms across my chest, becoming more pissed off at each moment, but reluctantly listened to him and walked back into the waiting room.

My mind was going at a million miles a minute as I sat down in the chair. I just wanted to know what the hell was going on and how all of this happened.

Trying to ease my thoughts I pulled my cell phone out of her pocket and dialed Matt’s number, keeping my promise to call him if I found anything out.

This time I only had to wait for about 2 rings before he answered. “Did you find out anything? What’s going on?” He asked in a quick manner.

I put my hand against my forehead as I answered him. “I don’t know Matt. They won’t tell me anything but right now I’m at the hospital and they’re making me wait in the waiting room. Did you call and let everyone else know what’s going on?”

“Yeah I did. Everyone is freaking out.”

I sighed as I tried my best to message the side of my temples, a large headache burning into my skull. “They don’t know the half of it…”

“Well everyone’s on their way right now so maybe one of them will be able to get an answer out of the help down there.”

Just as he said that I heard Zacky’s voice booming through the entrance-way into the hospital. “They just got here.”

“About time. I’ll be down there in a few minutes myself.”

“Alright. I’ll see you in a minute.”

“Bye babe. Keep your chin up alright? He’ll be ok.”

I tried my hardest to form a smile as I listened to his words of comfort. “Let’s hope so.”

With that said we said our good-bye’s and I was automatically pulled into a comforting hug from my brother Zack.

“How you holding up Am?” He asked me in a soothing voice.

I bit her lip to try and hold back the tears of being scared and frustrated. “I don’t know Zack…they won’t tell me anything.”

“This is such bullshit…” Jimmy whispered under his breath. “I hate hospitals just for that one particular reason.”

I closed my eyes as she rested my head on my brother’s shoulder. “I just want to see him..”

The next 5 minutes of waiting was silent but it felt like an eternity. Matt and Treva arrived shortly after everyone else, bringing my son with them who had fallen asleep on Matt’s shoulder. No one really knew what to say to each other, except to just hold onto each other for comfort.

I was sitting beside Jimmy’s wife Shyla, holding my son in my own lap now, when I finally heard the doors open. The same doctor that I had talked to earlier came out and began to walk in our direction.

“Mrs. Haner?” He asked me, clipboard in hand.

I stood from my seat, handing Micheal to Treva as I faced him. “Yes?”

He took in a deep breath before he began to speak. “Your husband has suffered multiple internal injuries along the left side of his heart and right arm. We were able to cast and recover his wrist but as far as the bleeding…we‘re still doing everything that we can. He’s asleep right now but we should expect him to wake up in a few short minutes if we try hard enough….would you like to see him?”

I felt like I wanted to cry as I registered the awful things that happened to him. I bit her lip but still nodded my head towards the doctor. “Of course I want to see him.”

“You want me to come with you Am?” Zacky asked as he stood beside me and put his arm around my shoulder for a second time.

“I’m sorry but only immediate family are allowed in.” The doctor said.

I turned to glare at the man in the white coat. “He is family.”

Closing his mouth the doctor said no more and turned around to walk back to where he came from.

I shut my eyes to try and hold back the tears that were threatening to fall down my cheeks, and suddenly I heard my son begin to speak.

“Mommy?”

I turned to face him before wiping the tears from my eyes. “Yes baby?” I asked as I knelt down in front of him and tucked back a few stray hairs that were hanging in front of his face. Just like his father…

“Mommy where’s daddy? Why are we here?” he asked so innocently. It took all that I had not to break down in front of him as I tried to answer him.

“We’re at the hospital baby…daddy had a little accident.”

Out of the corner of my eye I saw that Jimmy had put his arm around Shyla to try and comfort her. We were all such a close-nit family so this was killing all of us.

“Oh…” he said as he got out of Treva’s lap and climbed into mine instead. “Is daddy going to be ok? He said he would take me to the batting cages tomorrow.”

“I-I don’t know yet sweetie…I’m just about to go see him.” I said as she quickly wiped a tear from my cheek.

His face lit up as soon as she said that. “Can I come with you? Please?”

I shook my head as I took his tiny hand in my own. “I’m sorry sweetie but you have to stay here ok? Besides I need you to keep everyone company while mommy is away…Tell uncle Jimmy, Matt and Johnny what you and daddy made yesterday in the backyard.”

His smile faded as I told him that he couldn’t come, but he still nodded his head. “Ok, mommy. Hurry though.”

I kissed his cheek before I got up from my spot in front of him. “I will.”

Zacky took my hand in his and gave it a small squeeze as I looked at him. “Come on.”

Walking down the all too familiar hallway we stopped in front of Brian’s door. There weren’t as many doctors coming in and out of it this time so I was grateful. I held onto my brother’s hand tighter as we rounded the corner that led to the entrance and my heart began to pound with what I saw.
Brian was laying still in his bed. Gauze’s and bandages were wrapped tightly around his head and right arm; an IV hooked up to his left. The heart monitor was steady but still slow. Right then and there I felt like she was going to be sick but I took in a deep breath to hold back my weariness.

“Come on Am.” Zacky whispered as he put his arm around my shoulder, leading me to his bedside. I followed him, my eyes never leaving Brian’s too still form as we sat down in two of the chairs beside him.

I gently took his hand in mine as she studied his face. His left eye was swollen shut with a large bruise that was surrounding it. He also had a few minor cuts and lacerations across his cheeks and chin but other than that he looked like his normal self.

I could no longer hold in the tears as I rested my head on his bed, tightly holding the sheets in my hands as sobs wracked my whole body. How could this have happened? Brian had always been a responsible driver. Maybe only getting into one accident in his whole life.

Zacky gently rubbed my back with his hand. “Shh sweetie…he’ll be ok.”

I knew that he didn’t know that for sure but I still appreciated that he was trying to help me. My hand was still placed in Brian’s as I tried to calm down. The tears were flowing freely now and I felt like they would never become under control. That’s when I felt a light pressure in my hand that was closed with Brian’s. He was awake. I snapped my head up to look at him with my bloodshot eyes and wiped away the tears that were lying on my now damp cheeks.

“Hi baby…” He said weakly.

I smiled wide as I softly wrapped my arms around his neck. “Oh my god Bri…I thought you weren’t ever going to wake up.” He let out a light groan as I hugged him and I immediately pulled back. “Sorry…” He shook his head taking my hand in his again and I was already starting to calm down. “Brian do you remember what happened out there?”

“Not much…but I think that another car hit me running a red light…I’m not too sure though.”

I caressed my thumb over his cold palm as I listened to him talk. “So you don’t think it was your fault?”

“No…it was definitely the other driver.”

I took in a deep breath as I heard Zacky begin to speak. “Probably another fucking drunk asshole on the road. I hope he’s in the same spot that we are.”

“Zack…” I began but he cut me off.

“No Amber, this is bullshit. Brian didn’t do anything wrong.”

I let out a sigh as I looked back to my husband. I couldn’t help but agree with Zack though. Brian had done nothing wrong, but yet he was the one lying in a hospital bed right now hanging onto his life. This wasn’t fair at all.

“You’re going to be alright do you hear me?” I said as I looked Brian right in the eye. “You promised to take Micheal to the batting cages.”

He took in a deep breath as he tried to talk. “I know…I’m trying my hardest.”

I brought his hand up to my lips and she softly kissed his bruised knuckles, a tattoo of Marlboro underneath them. “I love you Brian…”

“I love you too Amber…” He whispered. “I always have.”

He wiped away the small tear that had escaped from my eyes. “Don’t cry baby…I’m going to be okay alright? Be sure to-” He let out a light groan as he held onto his side. “Be sure to tell Micheal to go to sleep early tonight so that we can wake up early in the morning for the cages.”

I bit my lip as I brushed a few pieces of stray hairs from his face, like I had done to our son earlier.

“Brian you have a broken wrist, a possible concussion and internal bleeding. I don’t think the batting cages is on the agenda for tomorrow.”

“But I promised him Am.”

“I know you did sweetie…” I said as I bent down and placed a soft kiss on his forehead. “But he’ll understand.”

He slowly nodded his head as he halfway closed his eyes. “I’m so cold…”

“Hang on Bri I’ll get you another blanket.” Zacky said as he got up from his chair and went to find a nurse. I kept my eyes locked on Brian as Zack left the room.

“Just hang in there baby…I’m going to make everything alright.” I said as I kept caressing my thumb over his hand. “Everything’s going to be alright.”

“I’m scared…” he said closing his eyes.

I shook his hand causing him to open his eyes. “Brian don’t talk like that do you hear me? You’re not going to die.”

He lightly licked his lips as he laced our fingers together. “I’m not afraid of dying…I’m scared of not being with you.”

I turned my head from him so that he wouldn’t see the tears that were beginning to flood my eyes. He didn‘t know it, but I was afraid of that same exact thing.

“I’m back.” Zacky said as he came into the room, another blanket in hand. He walked over to us and gently placed it over Brian’s still body. “Is that better?”

“A little.” He whispered. “Thanks man.”

Zacky smiled at him, sitting back in the chair. “I saw your dad out there Bri. He told me to tell you that he took care of your guy’s car.”

“Alright. Thank you.” Brian said again.

“Did he say if it was totaled or anything?” I quietly asked him.

Zacky’s face became a little somber as he nodded. “Yeah…it was. I’m really sorry.”

I slowly nodded my head as I tried not to frown. “It’s alright.”

Two hours had passed as I picked my head up from Brian’s bed. I had fallen asleep holding his hand and trying to get him to stay with me. But being that it was probably around midnight now we were both completely exhausted.

A doctor had come in the room around every 30 minutes, checking up on Brian and seeing how he was doing. It was this time however that the doctor had asked to speak with me. Getting up from my seat beside Brian I kissed his hand before I left and followed the doctor out into the hallway.

“What’s going on?” I asked him, crossing my arms over my chest.

The doctor examined the papers that were on his clipboard before he responded to my question. He spoke with weariness as he put the notes to his side.

“Now we’re still doing everything we can for your husband Mrs. Haner-”

“You can call me Amber if you want.” I asked politely.

“Sorry, Amber.” he began again. “But it seems that he has just lost too much blood for our liking. We’ve ordered blood transfusions to be sent in but it seems that you’re husband’s blood type is AB negative. The rarest type of blood there is.”

“So what does that mean?” I asked him once more.

He took in a deep breath, scratching the back of his neck before he spoke. “It means we’re having a hard time acquiring it.”

My brain was having a hard time processing this information. I thought that hospitals were supposed to help you when you needed it the most. Not the exact fucking opposite.

“So…what if you can’t get it in time?” fear running through me as I asked my question.

The doctor seemed hesitant as he gave me the answer that she didn’t want to hear. “It means that he could possibly die tonight.”

I felt as if I might pass out with this news. He couldn’t die on me. His life was hardly even lived yet. Feeling as if I might collapse from the shock I closed my eyes and held my arms across my chest tighter.

“Thank you doctor…” I whispered to him, he giving me a small, sad nod as he went back to his work.

I had fallen to my knee’s outside the door now, the doctors words still flashing through my mind. This couldn’t be possible and it all seemed so surreal.

As more tears began to flow down my cheeks I felt a hand being placed on my back. Looking up at whom ever it could be, she saw that it was my son standing there by my side.

“Mommy?” He asked softly, a questionable expression running across his face.

I turned slightly so that I could open my arms and pull him into my embrace as I was kneeling down. He came to me wrapping his tiny arms around my neck as I held onto him. I continued to silently cry as I held Micheal, him resting his head on my shoulder.

“Mommy don’t cry.” He whispered into my ear. “Daddy hates it when you cry.”

I held onto him tighter as I tried to pull my sorrowing to a cease. I had to be strong for my son if he may lose his father tonight. Brian had been my anchor for so long but if he left…I had to be Michael’s.

Wondering how Micheal had even gotten down here by himself I looked up to see Matt’s mournful face. I stood up from the ground, picking Micheal up with me and slowly walked over to him.

“Did you hear?” I asked him quietly.

He nodded his head in sympathization. “I did. None of this seems like it’s happening.”

I let out a deep sigh, knowing exactly how he felt. “I know. None of this is fair.”

Matt took a step closer to me, putting his hand on my shoulder to give it a comforting squeeze. No words were said between us, both knowing what each other was thinking. Could this be it?

I walked back into Brian’s room with Micheal on my hip. Matt followed behind me and we both took seats in between Zacky. Micheal had laid his head on my chest and was tightly holding onto my shirt like he was scared. He didn’t seem to like the way his father looked.

“Mommy, is daddy going to be ok?” He whispered, as he looked up to me.

Zacky took my hand in his and gave it a gentle squeeze before I answered him. “I don’t know sweetie…the doctors are doing everything they can to help him though.”

His expression had turned confused as he turned his glance to Brian. “But…what if he doesn’t get better? Does that mean that we won’t get to play baseball anymore?”

“Of course you will Micheal.” Zacky said as had been watching our conversation. “Come here buddy I want to talk to you.”

Micheal crawled from my lap as Zacky placed him on his own. “Now I want you to listen to me alright? You’re father is a strong man who would do anything for you and your mom. He loves you both very much.” Zacky took in a small breath before he began to speak again. I could tell he was probably close to tears himself, but he was trying to be strong for his nephew. “So whatever happens here tonight…I want you to remember that ok? Your dad will always be with you no matter where you are.”

“But…what about when I’m at school and I can’t see him. Is he there too?” Micheal once again asked so innocently. I don’t know how Zacky was keeping himself together, as he bit the inside of his cheek to hold back his own tears.

“No matter what buddy. You know why?”

Micheal slowly shook his head. “Why?”

“Because he’s in here.” Zacky said as he gently took Micheal’s tiny hand and placed it to his chest. “Your daddy is a part of you, so you’ll always be together…even if sometimes you can’t see him.”

Micheal slowly looked down to his chest. “What about Mommy?” he said as he looked over to me and then back to Zack. “Is daddy with her too?”

I couldn’t help but let a couple small tears flow down my cheeks before I quickly wiped them away. Micheal’s words were starting to break my heart, even though I knew he didn’t mean to.
Zacky looked to me, giving me a small sad smile before he answered him but not breaking eye contact with me.

“Mommy too.”