The Pain I've Grown to Know

[1 week later]

Zack was lying on the couch at the back room of the bus, flipping through the massive scrapbook Lea had given him 4 days earlier.
The three of them had been in a park near her place, close to the beach. Her, his son and him. It had taken her the better of 2 hours to go through the whole book, memorize stories to some of the pictures, when and why they had been taken. Apart from millions of pictures, there were other things in the book: locks of Zion's hair, the name tag from hospital with his name and date of birth scribbled on it, foot and hand prints she had made when he was 3 weeks old, and again on his 1st birthday and one of his very first pair of socks. The last picture in the book she had only added on that day: a picture of Zack and Zion together, both hugging and laughing.
That day had been great, he finally had the feeling that she started being comfortable around him again. He loved the way she carried herself, the way she threw love-drunk gazes over to their son.
They had agreed, that he was welcome to fly out to Florida and spend time with Zion whenever his busy schedule would allow it.
Whenever Zion was pointing at him or wanted his attention, Lea would refer to Zack as 'daddy', and he couldn't help but smile every time she said it. The night before he had to leave on tour, he was bringing a freshly bathed Zion to bed. The moment that he kissed him and had put him down in his bed, he looked over his son in pure awe and amazement, that he had contributed to the creation of this gorgeous human being. As he was about to stand back, Zion stretched out his little arms towards him, gave him the biggest smile he could and said 'dadda'. He immediately pick him up again, kissing him as a tear or two slid down his face. He ran into the front room, where Lea was fixing the picture of him and Zion onto the last page of the already overflowing scrapbook and stopped in the middle of the room.
"He just called me daddy!"
He had exclaimed as Lea looked at him quizzical. She could see the tears on his cheek and the smile, and stood up walking up to them. She wrapped her arms around Zacky and kissed Zion's cheek.
"Yeah, he's a pretty smart boy! He learns fast and he picked up on the way you act towards him very naturally! I am glad he said it before you had to leave again."
This little word had changed the beast that was Zacky Vengeance into the man he really was. Son, friend, musician, and father. And he wouldn't want to change it for the world!

"Show me that last picture again, of you and your baby boy."

Matt said as he joined him on the couch, passing him a beer. Zack had changed completely since he had found out about him being a father, after having spent time with Zion for as much as he could. His cockiness had pretty much disappeared completely and was replaced by mellowness. Zack passed him the heavy book and drank some of the beer. Matt skipped through the book. He loved the pictures of Lea while she was pregnant. She looked serene...no other word seemed fitting for it. But he didn't want to mention it too much to Zack, as he knew that Zack still grieved that he had missed her pregnancy completely, and would have wanted to be there every step of the way. He quickly went to the last page and stared down at the picture of father and son, smiling as he did.

"Hell, you'd never need a paternity test with this kid, seriously. His eyes look just like yours, it's almost scary! I mean, apart from the fact that you and Brian were the last ever people she slept with anyhow. No other guy could have possibly fathered this child."

Zack turned to him and narrowed his eyes.

"What you mean that it could only be him or me? She didn't have sex with anyone else? Since when?"

Already hating himself for having said it, Matt closed the book and slapped it on the table. Well, there was no reason to not tell him she didn't have an intimate relationship or even one night stand with anyone since Zack.

"Yes, Brian was the last. And since then...she didn't even have a one night stand. Guess she was sick of men treating her like shit and especially since Zion was born, she didn't want any man in her bed. I know that Sonny shared her bed at times, but there was nothing more but a hug in bed. They're just best friends and he was there for her when she needed him."

Matt finished his beer, stealing a cigarette from the pack Brian had left on the table before lying down in his bunk.

"And how do you know? Why didn't she mention that to me?"

Fuck, he hated it when Zack couldn't just let little details slip!

"Because we talked a lot that evening before we went to meet you all at that bar. It just came out. And I do believe she didn't tell you, so that you don't think she was waiting for yous two to get back together at some stage...because that is exactly what you are thinking right now!"

Zack's fingers started peeling off the paper wrapper of the beer bottle. Matt was right: if he would have known that she hadn't let any guy touch her, he would have thought she wanted to save herself for him. But now, he felt terrible. After the first few months of missing her like hell, trying to find her, he had started whoring around like crazy. Brian had been his partner in crime. It had started with one fuck every week or two, but had quickly evolved to a fuck every 2-3 days. Random girls, tourists, groupies and even dancers and hookers. Looking back at it, he just tried to forget Lea, and it had almost worked, but every morning he woke up he would walk around the house and his eyes would get caught on some of her things, that he refused to remove from his house. He had gotten so emotionally attached to all her stuff...he hated himself for it, seen that she apparently had no interest in getting back with him...he didn't even know if she was still alive!

"Yeah, I guess you're right. I am glad that she still seems to confide in you. At least she is building up confidence in us again. And maybe a little down the-"

He was interrupted by the ring tone of Matt's phone. Matt grabbed it from the front pouch of his hoodie and took the call quickly, inching away from Zack a little.

"Well hello there! What a nice surprise!"

----------------------------------------------

"Well hello there! What a nice surprise!"

Lea heard Matt cooing on the other end, after it had only rang once. She almost choked on her juice as he picked up this quickly, sh had expected him to take longer! It had become a nightly ritual for either him or her to call. Whoever was on their way to bed first would make the call.
Zion had been terrible tonight, she thought he was coming down with a fever or something, he had been unsettled since this morning. She had given him some temperature lowering medicine for toddlers and he was finally off to sleep.

"Yeah, I thought I'd let you know that Zion is coming down with his first cold ever, and he is teething like mad and is robbing my last nerve today, and I am feeling more than dead right now so I decided to take a nice, long bubble bath with candles and soothing music before going to bed."

She was straight out lying to him. There was no way she'd have the energy to draw herself a bath, she was already in bed, almost smothering herself with her warm covers. She couldn't lie to herself: ever since she had shared these short yet precious moments with Matt that evening, she felt alone. Yes, she loved to see Zion and Zack together while he had still been here, but that was no replacement for the emptiness she was feeling right now: hearing his deep almost husky voice on the phone, she wanted him with her in the small hours of the morning, when she woke up to Zion's muttering through the baby monitor. Wanting to wake up in his harboring arms, to the heat his body spread. He wanted to kiss him softly on the lips or forehead before slipping out of bed to look for her son. Coming back to bed with Zion and going back to sleep with her son lying in between him. She shook her head slightly, trying to get rid of the thought.

"You sound upset Lea, you sure you OK? If you're that drained, maybe Sonny can help you out a night or something, I bet he wouldn't mind."

Zack's head snapped around by the mention of Lea's name. She sounded upset and drained? Why the fuck was she calling Sanders if she needed help with Zion! After all, it was his kid, not Matt's! He listened intently, as the conversation went on.

"Na, I can't really. I took today and tomorrow off work and hope that he'll get better in that time. He was just never sick before and I had no idea how annoying he can get. I swear, I was about to strangle him today! And...I miss you Matthew! Not a minute passes without me thinking of you. I know we said we'd take it slow, but...ah, forget about it. How are you doing?"

Matt felt uncomfortable,l knowing that he wasn't free to talk due to Zacky staring at him like a hawk, listening to every word he was saying. He knew how she was feeling: not having seen her for 2 years, it had been a big impact when she had been dropped right into the middle of his life again. And although they both knew that they needed time to rekindle their feelings and relationship and familiarity with each other...it seemed his feelings had instigated mutiny inside him. He smiled every time he was thinking about the way she had stolen her first kiss off him a few days ago, felt a tingle in the pit of his stomach when his eyes focused on the pictures of her in Zack's scrapbook. And just like her, he missed her most when he was lying alone in his bunk, imagining what she would feel like in his massive arms.

"I know exactly what you are feeling Lea! We are doing fine, in fact Zack and me were just looking over your scrapbook again. He's in love with that thing L. , I don't think I have seen it out of his reach once, apart from when he is on stage. Plus, he pretty much scares all the groupies away coz all he talks about is Zion...you should see the sparkle in his eyes and their disappointed faces, ha!"

At least his first sentence gave her the security, that he missed her just as much! And the thoughts of the man- whore Baker scaring away willing lust objects because he couldn't shut up about his son. She adored Zack for the way he felt about his newly found fatherhood, and she accused herself that she hadn't given him the chance to feel this way earlier. But she knew that she wouldn't be able to make further confessions of her love to Matt, while Zack was in the same room as him. She had played this phone game once before, with the two men being in switched positions, and she was not really planning on going through this again.

"Just tell him I called you and not him, because I didn't want to worry him about Zion's cold, that I don't want to get him nervous while yous are on tour...something. I love you Matt, I wish you would be here with me right now, I feel somewhat...depressed, and Zion's condition is not helping that at the moment. I better just go to bed babe. Tell Zack I call him tomorrow if Zion doesn't get better...and not to make himself crazy! Night!"

She had disconnected the call before he had gotten the chance to wish her a good night himself. He sighed as he slid his phone back into the pocket of the hoodie, looking straight at Zack, who had already opened his mouth to say something.

"Save it Baker! She's tired and drained because Zion is coming down with a cold or fever or something and on top of that is teething. And she called me and not you, because she didn't want you to get worried over nothing. He'll be fine...and she'll be fine, too. It's the first time he's been sick and she just can't handle the extra attention and care he needs at the moment. Plus, all the emotional stress from us turning up last week is certainly not making things easier on her right now."

He got up from the couch and walked to the door, planning on hitting the bunk and trying to get some much needed sleep himself.

"She'll call you tomorrow to give you an update on Zion. I see you in the morning daddy."

With these words he left, closing the door behind him.
Zack was pondering over the explanation Matt had given him...and it made sense. He had never really been there for his son, and now that he knew about him, he was being very overprotective, seen that he couldn't be with him to look over him. If she didn't call by noon, he would call her before their sound check, to make sure that things were OK with Zion...and with her. He felt bad that she was alone with Zion, that she was the single parent having to sacrifice all her time to make sure her son was alright. Damn...she wasn't a single parent anymore...he was there now...and he wanted to be there, part of Zion's life. He hated himself once more for having to go through with this tour. He had suggested to Lea that he could skip the tour...Brian would have been able to handle the guitar by himself, but she had just laughed and told him to go do his job and after that come back and spend time with his son...that there would now be all the time in the world for the two of them to bond.
He just hoped that it would not take him forever to convince her to relocate to Huntington with Zion, it would be unbearable to only see him every few months!