The Pain I've Grown to Know

{4 weeks later}

"Let me talk to her Zacky, I mean it! You can't keep me away from her, she's my wife, and has my daughter with her. She didn't pick up the phone in almost 4 weeks, she doesn't even give me the chance to explain things to her!"

Zack was successfully blocking the door to his house. Recording with Matt over the past few weeks had been tough. He was not able to concentrate on anything, and was constantly trying to get into Zacky's house, wanting to convince Lea to come back to him.

"What exactly do you want to explain to her? She caught you red-handed, and she knows it wasn't the first time you banged her. There is no way you can talk yourself out of this one Matt. And she doesn't want to see your face at all. Just give it up, it's over between you two."

Matt didn't want to hear any of this, it had been the same comments over and over for the past month, and he started getting fed up with it.
The gossip magazines had gotten whiff of their split, wild rumors were in circulation, and after he had held his promise he had made to Ebs, that he would never see her again, she had agreed to an interview with National Enquirer, mixing facts with fiction, but not making any of this any better for him.
His parents were furious, his friends were disappointed in him, fans were writing hate blogs...and the worst of all: the woman he loved didn't want anything to do with him at all. He knew he had done wrong, but there was no way he would give up on her coming back to him. She had his kid...the thought of Luzia always twisted his gut. He had never spent any time with his baby girl, he was always in the studio or at Ebony's place, kissing her forehead softly when getting home late at night, her sleeping peacefully. It wasn't that he didn't feel love for her, but...he was too overwhelmed and wasn't sure how to behave around his daughter, he was afraid of breaking her when holding her.

"Fuck that!"

He finally pushed past his friend and band mate, entering the decent sized house. Memories of the morning after Dave's party years ago flashed back into his mind. When Zack had lied straight into his face, and Lea was still in his bed, keeping it warm, whilst Matt was pouring his heart out to Zack. Matt quickly closed his eyes and shook his head. Looking into the kitchen and the living area, he didn't see any traces of his wife or daughter, just Zion, who was quietly watching Spongebob on TV. There was no trace of her in the backyard either, so he wandered to the open staircase.

"Matt, I told you before: she's not here! Why don't you just listen to me, go home and chill out! She knows that this is the first place you'd go to after you have sorted your head enough to not take her silence any longer, she's more clever than to stick around, you know how much she hates open confrontation."

Narrowing his hazel eyes, Matt turned around as he stopped on the bottom step of the staircase. He hated the slight look of satisfaction on Zacky's face, more than the fact that he was right.

"3 years ago I was in this very house, poring my heart out to you, and you pretended to be none- the- wiser, while she was hidden away in your bedroom. I'm sorry Zack, i just don't trust you when it comes to Lea, not at all. You'd do anything for this woman, even if it means lying to someone that you have known for over a decade. Now, before I go up there and find here: where is she hiding with my daughter?"

Zack just rolled his eyes, turned around and walked towards his own kid, who was still intently watching the TV. Hearing Matt's heavy foot steps on the stairs, and various doors being opened and shut upstairs, Zack settled down next to Zion, who immediately climbed on his dad's lap, leaning his head back unto his chest.
Zack was not oblivious to how Matt was feeling. He hadn't only lost his wife, but also his daughter, a baby that he had never really held in his arms or spent any longer amount of time with. Gruffling through Zion's hair, he felt his heart tug: he didn't want to know what he would do in Matt's position. Yes, he had fucked things up big time, but he was genuinely sorry for it. The person Lea was though, would most likely not give him another chance, seen that he had his fair share of chances since they had gotten back together about a year ago.
Hearing Matt climb back down the stairs, he turned his head, watching his friend closely as he joined him in the living room, letting himself fall into the free couch, cradling his face in his big hands, sighing loudly.

"She's with Sonny. He made the decision to move here, seen that she refused going back to Florida with him. He's gonna open a small tattoo parlor here, kinda branching out from the place he has down in Florida. You're pretty lucky actually that you're still alive, it took Lea and me a lot of convincing and physical strength to keep him from killing you for hurting her you know. He always treated her like his little sister."

Matt looked up, a glint of hope in his eyes. She was still around somewhere, not on the other side of the country, as feared. The moment he had seen Zion, he should have known that Lea would never leave her son behind.

"Zack, please...just tell me where she is? If I have to go through Sonny and happen to end up in hospital for trying to get my wife back, so be it...but I need to see her, need to talk to her! I can't stand being without her, and walking into the empty nursery...it's crushing me, hurting me so bad. All I'm asking for is a chance to explain myself, to degrade myself...to do anything possible to get a chance of her letting me back into her life and heart."

Zack bit his lip. he really wanted to help Matt out, it was crushing to see the big, buff man crushed and exhausted like this. But lea had asked to have time before she would deal with her husband, before she wanted to decide whether or not she would be able to forgive him. No matter how much Zack still loved her and had hoped that a break- up between her and Matt would open his chances again...he wasn't able to make a move. he knew that she had lost trust into Matt, and that it was reflecting unto him as well, even though he had been the one supporting her over the past few weeks.

"I'm sorry dude, as much as I want to, you have to understand that I can't tell you where she is. I can tell you however that both your wife and daughter are doing well and are looked after. Just give her time to deal with all of this, and she'll get in touch, I promise!"

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Quietly unlocking the heavy front door, Lea stepped into the house and took a deep breath. There was no denying it: she had missed this place, the smell of it even. Cautiously pulling the key from the lock and stepping in, she held the door open for Sonny to follow her.

"I'm still not happy with you doing this L. . He doesn't deserve it and you damn well know it! It's not the first time he's gone and broke your heart, and yet you come crawling back to him. You shouldn't even be considering it."

Her friend dropped two big bags next to the door and closed it quietly, hoping that if Matt was home and he wouldn't hear the door, that she wouldn't see him and melt under his hazel eyes and dimple- filled smile. Deep down he knew that Matt was not a bad person, and that he must have been brain- washed cheating on Lea for 4 months straight...but right now, Lea was vulnerable, and he didn't like the fact that she had made her decision of what to do.

"I am not going to do the same mistake I did with Zion. I want Matt to be a part of Luzia's life, and although i know you'd never complain about it, I just can't live with you forever. You'll end up meeting someone as well and having another woman with a baby in your apartment...it's just not gonna work in your favor Sonny, trust me. Plus...no matter how much he hurt me, I just can't stop loving him."

They had stepped through to the den area and Lea was quiet shocked upon seeing how chaotic everything was: beer bottles, soda cans, JD bottles, pizza boxes and Chinese take away from at least 10 days were laying around the place. The partly closed curtains drowned everything in an eerie mood as well.

"You know what? Why don't you go back to your place and I'll call you later and we'll work out when i get the rest of my stuff back from your place, huh? My girl is asleep and I just gonna put her to bed and inspect what this idiot has done to the rest of the house."

Sonny wanted to protest, but her firm stare didn't allow any discussion.

"Fine, but call me if you need me."

He mumbled, before pressing his lips softly to her forehead and leaving the house again.

"Oh Shads, what have you down to us!"

She whispered to herself as she walked to the French doors to open the heavy curtains and open the doors to air the place. In light, the whole area looked even worse, and she was not looking forward to clean this mess, In fact: she wouldn't! Luzia shifted in her arms, and she turned carefully, making her way to the stairs. She was tired. Although it was only early afternoon, Luzia had been a bundle of nerves the past few days, and she simply refused letting Sonny anywhere near her. Zion had always seen Sonny as somewhat as a father figure, but Luzia would start fussing around as soon as he would take her in his arms. This had been another factor why Lea felt the urge to go back and give Matt another chance. The last chance. Even if Luzia had not spent much time with her dad, she was a daddy's girl, and wouldn't accept any other man as substitute. Slowly walking up the stairs and taking in the various scattered items of dirty clothes on her way, she silently shook her head, blaming herself for causing Matt to be this careless.
Zack had mentioned that he was a shadow of himself in the past few weeks, but she hadn't been able to get in touch with him, listen to his possible apologies and the begging to come back home to him. Sonny had even organized divorce papers that she only needed to fill in and finalize...but after staring at them for 2 days, she had ripped them apart and binned them. As much as she hated him at that stage, she knew that anything she'd do would be irrational and that she needed a little more breathing space to figure out what she should do. And in the end, she was glad that she didn't listen to her head, to Zack or to Sonny. Even Jimmy and Leana had been quiet, knowing that she would need to make up her own mind, and that no one should meddle with her head.

Passing by the open door of the nursery, she considered putting Luzia down in her crib, but decided against it. They hadn't been in this house in over a months, and although Lea was already feeling home again, Luzia would wake up not knowing where she was.
She opened the door to what was Matt's and her bedroom, taking a deep breath before stepping in.
The room was spotless. The window was open and the warm afternoon sun was leaking through them. He had kept the same sheets on the bed, and she smiled as she discovered one of Luzia's soft toys on his pillow. Looking down at her sleeping baby girl, a soft smile spread across her face. Laying her down on the middle of the bed carefully, she lay down on Matt's side of the bed, deeply inhaling the scent from his pillow. Amongst other things, it was his scent that she had missed the most, almost as much as being embraced within his strong, warm arms.
Placing her hand gently over Luzia's belly, she kept gazing at her daughter. until her eyes shut close from tiredness.

She hoped she had made the right decision.