The Pain I've Grown to Know

{Matt's POV}

Getting back from Zacky's I was feeling smashed. Although the news that Lea was still somewhere around near- by had made my heart jump. I unlocked my door and slammed it into it's lock behind me, my eyes grazing two black bags next to the door, underneath the little table in the hallway. I furrowed my brows and tried to remember if I had left them here or not. I wasn't sure, and to be honest, I had no head to marvel about it. I was drained, to say the least. Recordings had gone shit the last few weeks, and caused me to actually put in a lot of extra time in the studio. On top of that, all the emotional distress was eating away on me. I know, I shouldn't be the one complaining, after all, I had gotten myself into this mess.
Kicking off my shoes, I dragged myself up the stairs, wrinkling my nose at the various items of clothing that were laying everywhere, but I was too lazy to pick them up right now. No one was here to see or give out about it anyhow.

Stopping at the open door of the nursery had somehow become a habit I couldn't do without since Lea had gone. I leaned my shoulder against the door frame and had to inhale sharply, as my heart tugged inside my chest. I had been such an idiot, that I had been willing to give up my daughter for a quick fuck. Well...4 months of infidelity really, but who was counting at this stage. I looked at the frames black and white picture of Lea and Luzia, that hung just above the changing table and felt tears prick in the back of my eyes. It was Lea lying in her hospital bed, her hair still damp and the expression was exhausted from labor. She was holding their new born daughter and softly pressed her lips on top of her little head, both their eyes closed.

"You fucking idiot!"

I cursed myself once more and punched the white painted door frame, as I had countless times before while looking at this picture of my girls. It hurt to look at it and realizing that I had been the reason for them to leave.
Rubbing over my sore knuckles, I started to retreat to my bedroom, the place I dreaded most of the time: The empty bed, her summer- scent still sitting deep within her pillow. I had wanted to change the sheets multiple times, but just couldn't bring myself to do it. Even though it hurt more to smell her but not being able to touch her, I was not willing to let the memory of our nights together be washed away by washing powder.

I stopped in my tracks as I heard a silent weeping coming from my room,...our room. Remembering the two bags near the entrance, my heart rate quickened and I made the last few steps to the door, opening it slowly and with closed eyes, praying that maybe today, my hope of finding Lea safe and sound wrapped into our covers, would come true.
Even though I have wished for this moment for the past few weeks, it took me a minute or two to realize that the sleeping form on the bed was real, and not an illusion.
Finally strong enough to come closer, I stepped around the bed to Lea's side, and looked down on the two frail bodies laying on it.

Lea's wild mane was sprawled across my pillow, her full lips slightly parted as she evenly breathed in and out. She had her hand placed on top of Luzia's tummy, most likely trying to ensure that our daughter wouldn't move and roll off the bed, even though the bed was much too big for that to happen. Luzia however was not asleep, her little attentive eyes glued to the ceiling, her little hand tucked underneath her chin. The tears that had wanted to get free while looking at their picture in the nursery now wouldn't allow to be held back any longer, and I let them roll down my cheeks freely.

"Hi sweety. Have you gotten mom all exhausted?"

I whispered, more to myself then her ears really, seen that she wouldn't be answering me anyhow. But she must have heard my voice, as she turned her little head around and stared at me with big round eyes. I sat down next to her, before stretching out on the bed, supporting my head up on my hand, and looking down on my baby girl. A smile was spreading over my daughter's lips. The first smile I had ever seen on her. I leaned down and kissed her forehead and tiny nose carefully, inhaling the clean baby- scent that I had missed so much. Letting my free hand play with her soft locks, I could feel that things inside of me were changing. I had her back, and Leas was here as well.

"Daddy promises that he'll never do anything again that will take you or mommy away from him. I missed you two so much."

At this stage, I was plain out crying, hardly able to control the volume of my sobbing, not wanting to wake up Lea. I didn't deserve her. I had cheated on her years ago, had lied to her before our wedding and continued to sleep with someone else after our daughter was born and we had made our marriage official in the eyes of the State. My friends hated me for hurting her, my family hated me for turning away the only woman that had cared for me the way she had and for compromising a healthy relationship with their grand daughter...yet: here she was! In our house, our bed with our daughter.

"We missed you, too."

I heard a soft whisper and my head shot up, making me look straight into her dark brown orbs, tears shimmering in her eyes. I had longed to hear her voice again, and with one quick move, I had leaned down to her, cutting off any further words with a hard, desperate kiss. After a while, I retreated again, noticing that she smirked back up at me.

"Just making sure you're real babe...that is all. Don't ever leave me again...I am nothing without you! I love you more than life itself."

"I will not say that this is your last chance...because you should know it is without me pointing it out. It's all Luzia's doing that we're here...she's already a daddy's girl, she wouldn't let Sonny even touch her without starting to cry. And I don't want to be the one to blame if buff M. Shadows becomes a sobbing pulp...people would start hating me."

I snorted and she joined in with a carefree giggle.
But the laughter was gone quickly and she looked at me concerned.

"Just...don't make me regret this Matt. Please don't make me hate myself for loving you so much."

Reaching over our girl, I cupped Lea's face and pulled her closer to me.

"I would rather kill myself than ever disappoint you again. I'm your husband, and I love you and Luzia. And you will never ever regret coming back...apart when helping me clean up the mess downstairs later on."

Hearing her laughter mad my heart race and at that moment I knew: it will be only her and Luzia, for the rest of my life!