What It Takes

I didn't sleep at all last night! I just kept thinking about, what if he had died? I decided that today I need to talk to him about everything and not try to hide how I feel about his little drinking spas. When I woke up, I was still wrapped in Zack's tight arms, facing him. I felt his breath breeze over my face, as he slept peacefully. I scanned his face with my fingers, touching his nose and lips. I did this every time I was awake before him because it made me smile, he's so cute when he sleeps. His arm started to stroke my back as a smile graced upon his lips. I curled up closer into his arms, resting my head on his chest, hearing every beat from his heart. He took a deep breath and his eyes stayed closed.

"Want to go out to breakfast?" He asked cracking one eyelid open.

"Baby.... We can't." I said back as i stroked his chest with my finger.

"Why can't we?" He laughed.

"Doctor said you can't be out of bed for at least several days, sweetie." I said. "Doctor? What doctor?" He said sullenly.

"Babe, your doctor! You were in the hospital last night remember?" I asked.

"Uh-oh um oh yeah, sorry my memory is a little foggy from all those hospital drugs they put me on. I fucking hate needles!" He said as he sat up in bed, but made sure that i was still in his arms. This caused me to laugh really hard, because that man has tattoos everywhere, and he says he's scared of needles. It kind of felt weird being in our bedroom again, since I had stayed at Val's during the fight. He got quiet suddenly.

"What's wrong Zack?" I said look at his, still weak eyes. My eyes followed to what he was looking at, which was a box of empty beer cans, liquor and gin bottles, and cigarette cases. I got up ,without saying a word, picked up the box, took it outside to the trash, and then walked back upstairs. I sat on the bed, and he still seemed to be looking at the same spot. There was nothing left in that corner but the dresser, no more empty bottles; But the corner still snagged his attention.

" I don't want to do that ever again." He said ashamed of his past actions.

"I don't want you to either." I said not looking into his eyes.

"Zacky, we need to talk, like we need to sit here or lay here or whatever fucking ever, we just need to have a very serious conversation." I said still avoiding his piercing green eyes.

"What is there to talk about?" He asked ignorantly. I looked at him in shock.

" What is there to talk about? Are you fucking serious?" I said raising my voice, but I quickly lowered it because of his situation.

"Is there something you don't want me to know or something, or do you just not feel like talking?" I asked. He made an awkward debating face.

"It's not that I don't want to talk to you, I'm just ashamed about what we need to talk about and there's stuff the I'm hiding." He said as he lowered his head slightly and pulled the covers up to his waist.

Hiding? What the hell is he 'hiding?' Maybe he's cheating on me and that's what he's hiding or maybe he got a sex change. Ignore the last maybe! I slid beside him on the bed and looked at him in a panic.

"Hiding? Zack, you aren't........ You aren't chea...." He cut me off.

"Cheating? Hell NO! I love you to much." He said.

" Then what are you hiding? Tell me Zack." I begged. He shrugged as if he were asking himself if he should tell me. I placed a comforting hand on his arm, telling him it was okay to tell me. He took a deep breath.

"I'm surprised I'm still alive." He finally said.

"Oh babe, that's nothing to hide, the doctor told me that you could've died from the poisoning." I said as I wrapped one of his arms around my shoulders. He looked at the corner he had been starring at earlier and shook his head no.

"No, not that, If I hadn't been in the hospital, I would've been dead." He said again.

" Yeah baby I know, that's what the doc......" He cut me off.

" I was going to kill myself." He said so sullenly it was making me sick. I looked up at him like I had just been shot in the heart. It truly felt like I had been. The whole time I had been pissed at him, I never thought I would have to live without him. The whole damn time he was fucking planning suicide.

Now I was speechless! I tried to say something but it was like someone had duct taped my vocal cords shut. I tried to show some sort of emotion through my body but it wouldn't move at all. It felt like I was in Dante's Inferno and my body was being stolen by snakes. I didn't have control. I hate fucking crying, I swear that after this I'll never cry again. As much as I made that promise over and over inside my mind, the tears were stronger than my promise. I started to cry worse than I had the night before. I finally had the strength to talk.

"Wha?" I stuttered as the tears tried to enter my mouth.

" I thought you hated me and never wanted me, I was depressed and hurt, and I couldn't see myself without you. I felt like a dumb ass for hurting you, so I turned to drinking. When I realized that drinking wasn't fast enough, I tried to hang myself one night. It obviously didn't work. I then tried to slit my wrist." He said choking on his words as he showed me the marks on his wrist. I immediately grabbed his wrists, looked at them with wide eyes, and kissed them. I felt more hurt right then, than I had when we were in a fight. It was my fault that he was pressed to drinking, it was my fault that suicide flooded his thoughts and actions. I felt like I was the preditor that fucked his mind up. It was you, It was you. You almost killed him. My mind was deceiving me of all stableness. I was zoned out, focusing on the lies my mind shared with me. You didn't want him, you're a liar, A LIAR, make things easier for him, but his losses now, cut his wrist again. The evil voice continued to whisper these lies as I listened and rocked back and forth still holding onto his wrist.

Why was I thinking these things? I should be telling Zack how much I love him and that I'm glad he's alive. I guess I was completely traumatized and emotionally damaged from everything that had happen in the last couple of weeks. He began taking notice of my peculiarness.

"Mel ?" He asked. I continued to live in my little space of lies and deceit.