Her New Disguise is Butterflies
15
Joanne sent me back to school on Tuesday. Her words were 'I'm sick to death of seeing you staring into space like the world is about to end, go back to school, slap Jenny Darby and then run off into the sunset with Josh, for god's sake Bliss!' Which I personally think is slightly insensitive, considering my fragile state at the moment.
I zoned out of the morning's lessons. Choosing to ignore Mr Balmer when he started a rant about trigonometry and Rhys Maple started an argument with him about the point of it all. I sat in silence, ignoring Sacha as she talked away at Polly about Max. I'd not spoken to her, or made any attempt to apologise. I know I was in the wrong, but I couldn't stand to hear about her and Max when I was so miserable and unlucky when it came to boys. I was jealous to say the least.
Lunchtime finally came and Sacha skipped off to go and find Max for a mid-day tongue battle, and Libby wandered past us in a daze. Our little group seemed to have divided into two. Myself and Polly were the 'Singletons' as she liked to call us and Sacha and Libby were 'Team M&M's.' The two M's standing for Max and Matt.
I sat in the canteen with Polly, she was munching away at her sausage roll, trying to cheer me up by telling me 'funny' stories from yesterday.
"I told Sacha I hate her," I said, staring at my untouched cookie and carton of pineapple juice. I wasn't hungry but Polly had forced it upon me.
"Bliss, it was just all your feelings coming out at once. Sacha knows you didn't mean it, she's just in her usual self centred mode at the moment. She'll get over it soon," Polly said, picking up my carton of juice and pulling the straw off the side of it, stabbing it through the foil at the top and pushing it towards me. "Now eat your cookie."
I sighed. "I hate my life, Polly. Why doesn't anything ever go to plan?"
"Because that's the way life is. And Josh is stupid. Jenny Darby is awful. She's got that laugh that makes me wanna rip my ear drums out, and she's got that nose that huge beak thing and tiny squinty eyes. She looks like a man in drag most of the time, but I guess if that's what Josh likes..."
I picked up my carton of juice and took a sip of it, letting the cool liquid wash down my throat, soothing it. It had been hurting since Friday night. Remind me never to drink anything alcoholic ever again. Never.
"Maybe he's gay, and he's hiding it by going out with Jenny, y'know because she's a girl, but she looks like a bloke? Or maybe he's bi, we never know. Or maybe Jenny's a pre-op transvestite," Polly smiled to herself.
I glanced across the canteen, my gaze drawn to Jenny, flicking her hair around, her fingers locked with Josh's, as she hung on to every word that was leaving his lips. He smiled, and I almost melted on the spot. It always made my knees go weak, even if it was aimed at someone else.
"His smile isn't reaching his eyes," I said, quietly.
"Huh?" Polly spun around and looked at them, then turned back to me, "maybe it isn't."
I shook my head. "It's not. She's forced him to be her slave. How awful."
"Yeah, shocking. But it's his loss, Bliss. You know, let her have him if he wants her. Your too good for him anyway."
I shook my head again, knowing she was just saying this to make me feel better. It hadn't worked anyway. I still felt bad about everything. Puking on him, running away instead of talking it out and telling Sacha I hated her. I didn't hate her, I just held a strong dislike for her right now.
"What if I stuck around on Saturday in the park? Would things be different now?" I asked.
"Maybe. But c'mon, no regrets. You wanted to run back then, so don't dwell on it. No 'what if's' okay?"
I nodded, watching Josh as he stood up and said something to Jenny, pulling his fingers from her grasp and walking over to us.
"Oh shit," I mumbled, looking down at my cookie and fumbling with the plastic wrapper. Anything to distract myself from talking to him.
"Hey," he sat down beside Polly and drummed his fingers on the table. "How are you feeling today, Bliss?"
I felt tears prickle my eyes. I wanted to jump up on the table and scream at him. Tell him how I wasn't okay, not fine, or anything. Tell him how I was really feeling, that I hated myself and that he deserved so much more than Jenny Darby, of all people.
"Fine," I managed to choke out.
"Josh, why are you with her?" Polly asked. I glanced up at her and shot her a death glare, but she just raised one eyebrow, waiting for his answer.
"I don't know. It's complicated."
"You know her dad and Bliss' dad don't get along at all."
"Yeah, I know."
"Why are you with her, Josh? She's awful."
"It's complicated, like I said, it's just - "
I didn't need to hear anymore, I stood up, and walked out of the canteen. I caught Polly's vicious snarl at him just before I left.
"She likes you! So stop being such a dick, Josh!" And then her footsteps came thudding after me, neither of us sticking around to hear his response.
Polly followed me all the way to the girl's downstairs toilets, where I sunk down to the floor and burst into tears.
I zoned out of the morning's lessons. Choosing to ignore Mr Balmer when he started a rant about trigonometry and Rhys Maple started an argument with him about the point of it all. I sat in silence, ignoring Sacha as she talked away at Polly about Max. I'd not spoken to her, or made any attempt to apologise. I know I was in the wrong, but I couldn't stand to hear about her and Max when I was so miserable and unlucky when it came to boys. I was jealous to say the least.
Lunchtime finally came and Sacha skipped off to go and find Max for a mid-day tongue battle, and Libby wandered past us in a daze. Our little group seemed to have divided into two. Myself and Polly were the 'Singletons' as she liked to call us and Sacha and Libby were 'Team M&M's.' The two M's standing for Max and Matt.
I sat in the canteen with Polly, she was munching away at her sausage roll, trying to cheer me up by telling me 'funny' stories from yesterday.
"I told Sacha I hate her," I said, staring at my untouched cookie and carton of pineapple juice. I wasn't hungry but Polly had forced it upon me.
"Bliss, it was just all your feelings coming out at once. Sacha knows you didn't mean it, she's just in her usual self centred mode at the moment. She'll get over it soon," Polly said, picking up my carton of juice and pulling the straw off the side of it, stabbing it through the foil at the top and pushing it towards me. "Now eat your cookie."
I sighed. "I hate my life, Polly. Why doesn't anything ever go to plan?"
"Because that's the way life is. And Josh is stupid. Jenny Darby is awful. She's got that laugh that makes me wanna rip my ear drums out, and she's got that nose that huge beak thing and tiny squinty eyes. She looks like a man in drag most of the time, but I guess if that's what Josh likes..."
I picked up my carton of juice and took a sip of it, letting the cool liquid wash down my throat, soothing it. It had been hurting since Friday night. Remind me never to drink anything alcoholic ever again. Never.
"Maybe he's gay, and he's hiding it by going out with Jenny, y'know because she's a girl, but she looks like a bloke? Or maybe he's bi, we never know. Or maybe Jenny's a pre-op transvestite," Polly smiled to herself.
I glanced across the canteen, my gaze drawn to Jenny, flicking her hair around, her fingers locked with Josh's, as she hung on to every word that was leaving his lips. He smiled, and I almost melted on the spot. It always made my knees go weak, even if it was aimed at someone else.
"His smile isn't reaching his eyes," I said, quietly.
"Huh?" Polly spun around and looked at them, then turned back to me, "maybe it isn't."
I shook my head. "It's not. She's forced him to be her slave. How awful."
"Yeah, shocking. But it's his loss, Bliss. You know, let her have him if he wants her. Your too good for him anyway."
I shook my head again, knowing she was just saying this to make me feel better. It hadn't worked anyway. I still felt bad about everything. Puking on him, running away instead of talking it out and telling Sacha I hated her. I didn't hate her, I just held a strong dislike for her right now.
"What if I stuck around on Saturday in the park? Would things be different now?" I asked.
"Maybe. But c'mon, no regrets. You wanted to run back then, so don't dwell on it. No 'what if's' okay?"
I nodded, watching Josh as he stood up and said something to Jenny, pulling his fingers from her grasp and walking over to us.
"Oh shit," I mumbled, looking down at my cookie and fumbling with the plastic wrapper. Anything to distract myself from talking to him.
"Hey," he sat down beside Polly and drummed his fingers on the table. "How are you feeling today, Bliss?"
I felt tears prickle my eyes. I wanted to jump up on the table and scream at him. Tell him how I wasn't okay, not fine, or anything. Tell him how I was really feeling, that I hated myself and that he deserved so much more than Jenny Darby, of all people.
"Fine," I managed to choke out.
"Josh, why are you with her?" Polly asked. I glanced up at her and shot her a death glare, but she just raised one eyebrow, waiting for his answer.
"I don't know. It's complicated."
"You know her dad and Bliss' dad don't get along at all."
"Yeah, I know."
"Why are you with her, Josh? She's awful."
"It's complicated, like I said, it's just - "
I didn't need to hear anymore, I stood up, and walked out of the canteen. I caught Polly's vicious snarl at him just before I left.
"She likes you! So stop being such a dick, Josh!" And then her footsteps came thudding after me, neither of us sticking around to hear his response.
Polly followed me all the way to the girl's downstairs toilets, where I sunk down to the floor and burst into tears.