Just a Freak
Empty
I dunno.
It just.... kind of happened.
How else do you explain this kind of shit?
Dirk and his buddies invited me to this party. It wasn't really a party.
It was more like a bunch of people hanging around near this lake.
It was cool, though, because there were cars everywhere and one guy had a grill going and someone brought a sheet and a projector and was playing some movie.
It's hard to explain what it was, but it was great. There was a bonfire and when it got dark, it got really exciting.
Dirk isn't his real name, by the way. It's actually Derek, but he goes by Dirk.
Weird, huh?
Anyway, I never really thought I'd find myself in this situation.
You know?
I can brag to K, now, but.....
I guess I never really saw myself doing something like this.
And even hours afterwards I still can't grasp it.
It's like, I did that?
Me?
I never really had what you can call innocence. I always felt above the other kids. Smarter than them, more mature.
I never really felt innocent.
It's funny, how it takes giving a guy a blowjob in the back of his van to make someone feel innocent.
Most girls would feel slutty.
I feel innocent.
And naive.
Why?
I just went up to my room and chilled out with Mikey.
Seeing my Mom and Nana would be just way to weird after what happened, you know?
I can tell Mikey anything.
He's a cat.
He can't squeal if he wanted to, you know?
I feel a change in me.
I've skipped the last two days of school.
Why?
Dirk.
I haven't even moshed in the halls in weeks.
Why?
I don't even know.
Caleb and I haven't had one of those Peer Counseling sessions in awhile.
Why?
Connie stopped them.
Mrs. Fritz, I mean.
Wow.
I'm lying here on my bed and I feel empty.
I feel like I'm missing something.
I just feel so empty.
It just.... kind of happened.
How else do you explain this kind of shit?
Dirk and his buddies invited me to this party. It wasn't really a party.
It was more like a bunch of people hanging around near this lake.
It was cool, though, because there were cars everywhere and one guy had a grill going and someone brought a sheet and a projector and was playing some movie.
It's hard to explain what it was, but it was great. There was a bonfire and when it got dark, it got really exciting.
Dirk isn't his real name, by the way. It's actually Derek, but he goes by Dirk.
Weird, huh?
Anyway, I never really thought I'd find myself in this situation.
You know?
I can brag to K, now, but.....
I guess I never really saw myself doing something like this.
And even hours afterwards I still can't grasp it.
It's like, I did that?
Me?
I never really had what you can call innocence. I always felt above the other kids. Smarter than them, more mature.
I never really felt innocent.
It's funny, how it takes giving a guy a blowjob in the back of his van to make someone feel innocent.
Most girls would feel slutty.
I feel innocent.
And naive.
Why?
I just went up to my room and chilled out with Mikey.
Seeing my Mom and Nana would be just way to weird after what happened, you know?
I can tell Mikey anything.
He's a cat.
He can't squeal if he wanted to, you know?
I feel a change in me.
I've skipped the last two days of school.
Why?
Dirk.
I haven't even moshed in the halls in weeks.
Why?
I don't even know.
Caleb and I haven't had one of those Peer Counseling sessions in awhile.
Why?
Connie stopped them.
Mrs. Fritz, I mean.
Wow.
I'm lying here on my bed and I feel empty.
I feel like I'm missing something.
I just feel so empty.
♠ ♠ ♠
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The Fall