Purple Hearts

When I came round I could see Julia and my Dad kneeling either side of me. Julia was holding onto my right hand and also had her hand on my forehead. For an instant, a very slight instant her cool hand reminded me of when Mum used to feel my forehead when I had a fever or felt as though I was coming down with something. Dad, his hand warmer, was holding onto my other hand. His hand was slightly rougher than Julia’s and he was squeezing mine tightly. I glanced up and looked into his eyes that everybody thought were so like mine. He did look worried about me and I hated myself all of a sudden.

“Francesca honey,” said Dad squeezing my hand once more and calling me by my full name. He rarely did that in fact I don’t know if he ever had. He must of but I couldn’t remember when.

I couldn’t speak because I felt a combination of embarrassment and guilt.

“Lets get you to the hospital,” said Dad.

“I’m fine,” I said sitting up. The hospital was the last place I wanted to go. They wouldn’t tell me anything new, other than that I was pregnant with god knows whose baby.

”I think you should Franky,” said Julia. Then I realised I was eighteen years old, not fourteen again. They didn’t need to find out anything I didn’t want them to.

“OK, fine, we’ll go but there is nothing wrong with me, I’m just tired and those lights were hot.” I said sitting up and getting to my feet, feeling light headed but trying my hardest to not let it show. The cramps were back too, not painful enough for me to double up in agony, just there, gnawing away like a period pain.

“Those lights were very bright,” said Bono’s wife looking slightly concerned as though it was all her fault.

“Yeah but you do look awful Franky,” Dad said then linked his arm through mine. “You’ve looked awful since you got back from your trip. I think you need to get yourself checked out, may be you need a doctor to tell you to slow down a little. I’m worried about you,” he said.

Tears sprang to my eyes listening to him speak. He was worried about me because I’d not told him the truth. I couldn’t. I didn’t want to think I’d let him down by getting pregnant, I couldn’t explain properly why I couldn’t tell him I was pregnant but…I may be didn’t want him to think bad of me but he would anyway, for years now it had just been the two of us and we’d shared everything. He was always there for me.

But I still couldn’t tell him.

**

I was lying on the hospital bed in my own little world. They’d put me into a hospital gown that didn’t have a back to it and it reminded me when I’d been in hospital all those years ago when I’d gone to that party. I couldn’t even for the life of me remember the guy’s name that had given me the drugs. I’d taken vodka to the party and in my drunken stupor he’d given me the drugs and I’d thought he was Billie Joe so I’d kissed him, I ended up in hospital and it was a close thing, I’d nearly died.

I glanced up at the clock on the wall and it was almost 10 O’clock. I’d been here for two hours and just wanted to sleep. I’d had a few tests taken, a blood test and a urine sample. They’d checked my blood pressure, my ears, eyes, nose and throat. Dad had taken Emily and Ramona home. Ramona had been crying because I’d fainted, something else to add to my guilt. Dad was dropping them off at the house but was coming straight back. Meanwhile Julia had stayed but had gone off to get herself a drink.

The door opened and in came a doctor. He was quite good looking and made me feel vulnerable, as I lay here half naked in my thin hospital gown.

He cleared his throat.

“Miss Wright, did you realise that you…”

”I’m pregnant. I know.” I said to him, finishing off his sentence.

He looked shocked that I already knew.

“You didn’t tell us when we asked you the question on the form,” he said peering at me.

“I…I’m not ready to tell anybody yet,” I said, looking away.

”Are you not going to keep the baby?” He said.

“Of course I’m going to keep it,” I said snapping at him. Who the fuck did he think he was.

“OK,” he said. “The tests show that you are slightly anaemic and we’ve prescribed you some tablets that are safe for you to take during your pregnancy. They won’t harm your baby,” he said handing me a packet of pills. “Make sure you take one a day, preferably after you’ve eaten. Would you mind if I take a listen to your baby’s heartbeat?” he said reaching for his stethoscope.

“Of course, that’s fine,” I responded as he bent and pulled the gown up over my stomach making me feel even more naked. He placed the cold stethoscope onto my stomach and moved it around in different places.

The room was so silent; I could hear the clock ticking and my heart beating.

He was taking ages.

“Everything seems fine Miss Wright but I’d like to conduct a scan very soon if that’s OK?”

”What? Now?” I said. Dad would be back soon and if I were found in the maternity department having a scan of my baby then it would be obvious that I was pregnant.

“It doesn’t have to be now, how about tomorrow?” He said. “I can book you in.”

”Yes, tomorrow would be better,” I responded. Much better, I could sneak out of the house and make an excuse as to where I was going.

“There…there’s nothing wrong is there?” I asked him. Even though I hadn’t told hardly anyone about the baby suddenly I’d come over maternal. I wanted my baby to be healthy, I didn’t want there to be anything wrong with him. Not like my baby brother Samuel that had died just after being born.

“Nothing appears to be wrong it’s just that…I’m sure I can hear two heartbeats in there, it may be a possibility that you’re carrying twins.”

Shit. Twins. I’d never thought of that.

Just then the door opened and Julia came in carrying a cup of coffee for herself.

“Is it OK to come in?” she said.

“Of course Julia, everything’s OK, I’m allowed to go home. Aren’t I?” I said looking up at the doctor for reassurance.

“Of course you can,” said the Doctor. “Just remember to take those tablets Miss Wright,” he said to me knowingly then left the room.

“Are you OK?” said Julia. “Your Dad is so worried about you, you know.”

“I know he is. He’s always worried about me getting sick, just like mum. He hasn’t actually said it to me but I can tell.”

“Well that’s only natural you know, he’s been through a lot,” said Julia coming to sit beside me.

“Franky, you’re anaemic aren’t you?” she said.

”Yes, how did you guess?” I asked as I swung my legs off the bed and went over to get my jeans that were on a chair.

“I’m a nurse remember, I know all the signs. You looked pale and tired, like you need a damn good sleep and a decent meal inside you.” She said then smiled at me.

“I do eat, Dad cooks great meals but I am tired just lately.” I said not wanting to say much else.

“You’re also pregnant aren’t you?” she said.

“What?” I said looking over at her.

“You’re pregnant aren’t you?” she said again, her voice still the same, calm.

“Yes.” I whispered. “A couple of months, I suppose you could read the signs there too?” I said then smiled at her sort of glad that she’d guessed.

“Does Gerard know?” she said to me.

I turned away from her and carried on pulling my jeans up.

“Franky you don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to its just that…if you do want to talk, I have a good ear you know,” she said in a soft, kind voice. She was lovely.

I turned back to her as I reached for my t-shirt.

“Its difficult for me to talk about Julia. I don’t want Dad to know just yet, I’m not ready to tell him. Could we just tell him I’m an anaemic and that’s that? I’ll tell him soon, I just want it to be the right time.”

“Whatever you think is best,” said Julia.

**

Dad had accepted that I was just anaemic but the fainting had shocked me and now I could be expecting twins. Girls? Boys? One of each? Lying on my bed I somehow felt that I couldn’t cope.

I couldn’t sleep, I felt hot. Reaching over for my glass of water I noticed that it had all gone so decided to creep downstairs and get another. Milton was down in the kitchen scratching around at the back door.

”Milton you know you’re not allowed to scratch the door,” I said to him scoldingly. “What are you playing at?” I said, cross with him and opening the back door so that he could shoot out. He was becoming naughty just lately and spent so much time next door but then I couldn’t blame him, I’d not taken him to the park for ages. I’d take him tomorrow, when I got back from the hospital visit.

Twins. Oh my god, how would I cope?

Pouring myself a glass of water I went to the CD player and popped out the CD that I’d just remembered. It was still there. Shit, had anyone else heard the CD that Billie had made me?

I’d play it just once more and then I would pack it away.

Just once, just to hear him sing to me, me alone, one more time and that would be that.

I played the CD and as usual his voice sent a shiver, causing the back of my neck to tingle and my stomach to dance.

I still love him.

I still love Billie.

I’d been fooling myself all along that I thought otherwise. He also loved me but I knew it couldn’t work, he was meant to be with Adrienne and I was going to make my life with Gerard. I’d forget my feelings for Billie, like I always had, then I’d be busy with the wedding preparations, making a home with Gerard and giving birth. Billie could get back with his family and we could all move on.

The song ended.

I’d decided not to play it again so went over and took it out of the CD player and laid it on the top of the worktop. I’d go call Milton, grab the CD and head back upstairs to bed.

The night air was quite chilly so I closed the kitchen door behind me to keep the cold air out, the wind was whipping up so I wrapped my dressing gown tight around me and shivered. I could hear the gate to next door swinging gently in the wind and decided that I’d have to meet this girlfriend of Milton’s. I’d have to get introduced soon I thought to myself and smiled, may be invite her over for dinner. I laughed quietly to myself as I went through to next door to call him.

“Milton!” I called. “Come on, its time to come home now,” I said my eyes trying to adjust to the darkness.

I could see him come trotting over towards me but as I turned to go back into our garden someone grabbed me, they put their hand over my mouth so that I couldn’t cry out and dragged me, roughly into the house next door.