Purple Hearts

They were gone ages and Billie was squeezing tightly onto my hand, I was so glad that Billie was here with me.

”Billie, what do you think it is?” I said to him but I knew he didn’t know, he didn’t know how to answer me, this guy sitting next to me who had always answered my questions. He had an answer for everything over the years; sometimes I asked him things that I couldn’t ask Dad. But this time, Billie didn’t have an answer to this question.

“I don’t know Franky,” he said looking at me with those eyes that I’d always adored. The very first thing I’d noticed about him was his smile but those eyes came a close second.

Then the door opened and Billie squeezed my hand even tighter. The doctor and nurse were looking at the screen. What the fuck were they looking at? For god sake tell me.

Then the doctor turned and spoke to me.

“Are you sure you have got your dates right?” He said to me. I blushed, I know I did. I had lied to them and they’d found me out.

“Yeah… I’m sure of it,” I said. I couldn’t look at Billie now, I felt ashamed.

“Well,” said the doctor turning back to the screen. “It looks as if you’re having a large baby, a baby that may be born early. You must be prepared for that,” he said.

”Oh,” I said. “Right.” Now I didn’t know what to say. Of course the baby wasn’t large, it was normal sized I’d just lied to everyone.

“Would you like to know the sex of the baby?” the doctor asked me.

I turned to Billie who shrugged.

“That’s for you to know honey, its your decision.” He said. What the fuck did I turn to him for as if asking his opinion?

“I…yeah…I’d like to know,” I said.

“Well, you’re having a little girl and she looks very healthy from where I’m sitting,” he said.

I knew I was smiling widely. I’d wanted a girl; I don’t know why I just did. Billie was still holding onto my hand and squeezed it once more.

“Not another Franky,” he said then rolled his eyes in jest. I pretend punched him, something I’d always done to him as I watched him as he held his arm where I’d punched him, pretending it hurt, as usual.

Later That Night

I felt so much better, I was having a little girl and I couldn’t sleep for thinking about it. What would I call her? What would she look like? Would she be like me? Like Mum? All these thoughts were driving me mad, I was so excited now and felt content, the only thing I really needed to do was tell Gerard but…I had to pick the right moment.

I rolled over onto my side but couldn’t sleep. I could hear Dad and Julia downstairs, they had Mike and Jen over for dinner and the sound was carrying upstairs, all I could hear was Dad and Julia laughing and it sounded like they were having a great time.

Dad still hadn’t mentioned the gun but I knew he would, probably tomorrow. I was ready to tell him, I’d tell him the truth, I was fed up with hiding everything, I’d tell him all about what Adrienne wanted me to do and about Joey and the gun. I had to; I was fed up of keeping secrets.

I had enough to think about.

**

Oh my god it was beautiful. Tears sprang to my eyes as soon as I put it on; it felt like it was made for me.

Mum’s dress.

I was in the attic after a restless night thinking about the wedding and what I’d wear then I remembered the dress and had to get up and try it on. I’d climbed the steps while everyone was asleep and had got the dress out of the trunk. The material felt marvellous against my skin as I looked into the long mirror, twisting myself around so that I could see it from all angles.

This was the one I would wear at my wedding. Nothing else would do.

“You look beautiful,” said a voice from the doorway.

I turned, it was Julia.

”Oh, I was just trying mum’s dress on. This is going to be the outfit I wear,”

“I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have intruded,” said Julia turning to go back down the steps.

“No, hey, Julia please don’t go. Its OK that you’ve seen it, in fact I could have done with a second opinion. Do you think I should wear it?”

“Of course you should,” she said coming towards me, “its gorgeous Franky.”

“Could you, just reach to the back here to help me unzip,” I said and she unzipped the dress and I stepped carefully out of it then hung it back onto its hanger.

“Do you remember your mum?” she asked me, helping me to put things away into the trunk.

“I remember loads and sometimes I forget. I forget something simple like the exact colour of her eyes or the other day I couldn’t remember if she’d had her ears pierced or not so I had to check a photograph of her.”

“You’ve been through a lot,” said Julia. “It must be hard at times,” she said.

”Yeah, it is but…Dad’s been so good, I just feel stupid that I kept this little one from him,” I said running my hand over my stomach.

“He understands. He’s a great dad,” she said. “He’s taking us all out tonight for a Chinese because his leg has healed well.”

“Thanks to you that is, you’re good with him, some people would have told him where to go by now. He gets a bit grumpy when he’s feeling off colour.” I said remembering Dad when he’s unwell and ordering everyone around and then wanting to be ‘left the fuck alone’.

“He hasn’t complained once.”

“May be that’s because he likes you a little,” I said raising my eyebrow at Julia. I’d noticed Dad watching Julia, watching her ass as she bent over, little things like that then other things, softer looks, smiling at her when she wasn’t looking, watching them laugh together.

“Oh don’t be stupid,” said Julia brushing my comment aside.

“I know Dad and I know when he likes someone and he likes you but…there’s a lot to Dad, he’s had a past reputation he’s been married three times you know and he’s…lets just say he’s,”

“Been around a little,” said Julia. “I know. He told me, we sat up late last night and his past came up in conversation. Don’t ask me how or why, it just did. He’s told me everything, he even told me about your friend, Hannah.” She said.

“Really? Oh my god and about her mother,” I said pulling my jeans back on.

“Yes. Everything. He also told me about your Mom, how they met, lost each other and then met up again and that it was short-lived.”

“Is…is he OK?” I said worried for Dad having let all his secrets out.

“He got a little upset but he was fine. I told him about me too, about my husband and…about Charlie and I.”

“And?” said Franky.

“And what?” said Julia smiling at me now.

“Was he OK about it?” I said to her.

“Of course he was, he wanted to know all the details like how often.”

I was so embarrassed by my dad’s talk. “That’s disgusting,” I said.

”Franky, it was fine. We had a good chat and I think we understand each other.”

“Do you like him Julia?” I asked buttoning my blouse.

She closed the lid on the trunk then stood up.

“I do but…”

“There’s a but?” I asked. Why was there always a but?

“But I don’t know how he feels about me,” she said then looked away. “I’m getting too old for this Franky. I really like Tre, he’s just great and we get on so well, we’ve talked, we’ve laughed but there’s a little bit of him that he’s not letting go and I’m not sure what it is.”

“I’m sure he likes you,” I said. I was sure of it; I was hoping for this, they were so suited.

“I think he does but I don’t think he’ll admit it so nothing will happen.” She said. “Hey, come on, he sent me up to look for you, said something about an explanation about this gun or something?” She said putting her arm across my shoulder.

Oh fuck, I’d forgotten about that.

**

“So Joey had a huge crush on you, stole items from you and then Adrienne found a gun in his room and made you get rid of it?” Dad said pacing the room.

”Yes Dad, how many times?” I said getting frustrated at him, he was pacing up and down, his bad leg obviously tons better. I’d explained it three times now.

“Does Billie know?” said Tre coming to sit down at the table, his leg obviously aching once more because he was rubbing it.

“I don’t think so,” I said knowing that he didn’t.

“For fuck sake, what are you all playing at?” He said. “Why won’t Joey tell us who the gun belonged to? The police have it now, they’re going to find out anyway, why keep it a secret?” He said.

“I don’t know.” I said to him. “I think you should talk to Adrienne, I think Billie should know about this too.” I thought he should have known ages ago but I didn’t want to be the one to have to tell him.

“Yeah, he’s coming over later anyway. How’s my little granddaughter in there?” He said nodding at my stomach.

“She’s great but she’s probably worn out listening to you going on,” I said looking up at Julia as she walked into the room with a duster and began dusting over the mantelpiece. Dad couldn’t take his eyes from her. I knew he liked her but she was going to slip through his fingers and go back to England if he didn’t do anything about it, like a repeat performance of mum.

He had to see sense before Julia went home.

He had to.

**

“Do you think you and Billie will get back together?” Charlie asked Adrienne. They were in the dark room and because it was dark he felt brave enough to ask her.

“God no,” said Adrienne, just like that. “Billie and I are over, it was great while it lasted, we have our wonderful boys but, that’s it, we’ve moved on, we’re friends and it all works out well for us at the moment.” She said busying herself by hanging up onto a string some of the photographs that Charlie had taken earlier of a young up and coming local band.

“So, anyone else on the horizon?” He asked.

”Well, there is somebody I quite like,” said Adrienne. This must be Tre thought Charlie.

“Oh, do I know him?” Asked Charlie as he fished out a photo from the solution.

“Yes you do,” she said coming to stand alongside him.

It had to be Tre.

She took the photo from him and hung it up with the others to dry.

“Oh, right,” said Charlie but he didn’t want to know anymore, he didn’t want to know that Adrienne liked someone else, especially Tre because if she got with Tre there was no getting away from it, they’d be together, all the time, right under his nose and he wasn’t sure that he could live with that.

“Yeah, right,” said Adrienne. “Listen, come outside, there’s something you should know.”

The room was bright outside they had to adjust their eyes for a moment.

So, now she would tell him about Tre, he was sure of it, he’d have to listen though, he couldn’t be so rude as to not listen to her. She had become a good friend of his after all.

“Charlie, its you.” Said Adrienne her dark brown eyes sparkling at him, looking at him in the way he’d always dreamed of her looking at him.

“What?” He said, his heart pounding loudly.

“Oh for god sake Charlie, come here,” said Adrienne and she pulled him towards her, stretching up her face for a kiss and he obliged, bending down and kissing her deeply, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her close.

He was in heaven.

**

So she was having a little girl. Franky was having a daughter and Billie couldn’t wait to see her with her own child but he wasn’t looking forward to going to their wedding in a few weeks. She was going to marry Gerard and he quite honestly couldn’t face being there while she did.

He’d have to tell her that he couldn’t go. He’d wish her well; wish her lots of happiness with Gerard and her baby, of course he would.

But he couldn’t watch her get married, that would be like torture, watching the woman you love marry someone else.