Purple Hearts

The room that we were having the radio interview in was so small and cramped; there were no windows and the DJ’s breath smelt of garlic. I wanted to be sick and could feel it rise up within me. There were six of us in the room, the band, the DJ and Uncle Mike. Dad had brought us and he and Adrienne were outside, no doubt Adi looking up at Dad with her huge brown eyes.

It was so obvious to me now what she felt for him, I’d been watching her on and off nearly all day and I couldn’t believe it. I knew she liked Dad but in that way? I couldn’t quite imagine them together. They had always been good friends but I was quite convinced that Dad still saw it that way. Just friends.

Poor Adrienne.

“Franky?” the DJ garlic-breathed all over me.

“Oh…uh…yeah,” I said.

“Would you say that your father influenced you to play the drums more so after you’d met up with him?”

The DJ was fucking me off. He was asking so many questions and he kept aiming them at me. It was because I had a connection with Green Day, I knew it was. I could see Ed getting pissed off too, well he’d better not be getting pissed off with me, it wasn’t my fault.

“Are you OK Franky?” Uncle Mike said. Everyone was looking at me and it made me feel hot and self-conscious.

“Uh…,” I said then stood up. I felt dreadful, the room was spinning and I felt the bile rise up in my throat.

“I think I’m going be sick,” and with that I managed to cover my hand over my mouth to try and keep it in, and I did, all the way out of the studio, out into the corridor where I passed Dad and Adrienne who were standing there talking and drinking coffee, through the double doors, following the sign to the toilets, into the toilet door and into a cubicle. I even managed to lock the door then knelt over the pan and threw up.

I felt better almost immediately and sat back on the floor leaning against the cubicle door. I felt clammy and cold all of a sudden and… so alone.

I felt like crying.

My thoughts went to my Mum. I had no doubt in my mind that if she were here then I’d have told her about the baby, knowing that if she knew would make it seem alright.

I missed her still and probably always would.

“Hey Franky, are you OK?” said Adrienne standing outside the cubicle door and breaking into my thoughts.

“I’m fine Adi,” I said standing up and opening the cubicle door. “It was just so hot in there and claustrophobic and that DJ’s breath, it stank,” I said going over to the sink to wash my hands and splash my face.

“Hannah feels ill too, she came over all hot and feeling sick, I think its time we called it a day,” Adi said. “Lets get you both home.”

Next week I thought as we left the ladies toilets, next week I can tell someone and make it known but who should I tell first?

**

“…I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile when you are sleeping…”

I woke up with a jolt, hot and sweaty, it was that song that I’d been dreaming of, the song that Billie had sung for me and put onto my very own CD. I glanced over at the clock, 1.10am. I had to try and sleep it would probably be another busy day tomorrow.

But I couldn’t sleep; the words from the song were going through me, disturbing me and unnerving me. I tried to sleep for another hour but knew it wasn’t happening so decided to go downstairs but as I passed my bag by the bedroom door I took out the CD to play quietly in the kitchen while I had a drink. Perhaps playing the song would erase it from my mind. Yeah, that might do it.

Milton was following close behind me and as soon as we got to the kitchen he went over to the back door to be let out.

”OK,” I said to him, “but only for 10 minutes, no longer. I shall call you when I’m ready to go back to bed, you hear me,” I said to him, ruffling his ears. I opened the door and he shot out.

Closing the door behind me I put on the kettle and let the water heat up, taking the CD out of my dressing gown pocket I put it into the CD player and pressed play.

While making myself a coffee, Billie’s voice suddenly engulfed me. I’d forgotten how great his voice was, I loved the slight edge he had to it and when he sang with an acoustic guitar it sent shivers down my spine, just like it had when I was young, when I was just… just a fan and hadn’t even seen them live, let alone become part of their lifestyles.

Where was Billie and where were his children?

I finished my coffee and listened to the song one more time, then after rinsing out my mug I realised that Milton was still outside.

The cool air felt beautiful as I opened the door and went out into the garden.

No sign of Milton.

”Milton!” I half whispered and shouted. “Where are you, come on its time to come in.” I said looking around.

I started walking off down to the bottom of the garden; the grass was slightly damp but welcoming as I walked on it down to the bottom of the garden.

”Milton, come on, you have to come in now and if you don’t then we’re not going to the park tomorrow. You hear me,” I said, getting cross with Milton now.

Then I saw the gate at the bottom of the garden swinging open to next door.

“You little sod,” I said to myself heading down towards the gate.

The gate had been put in years ago by Jeff and Gina who had lived next door to us for years, even before I came to live here. They were an elderly couple but while I was in England they’d moved to a smaller place not too far away but nearer to their son. I hadn’t realised that someone else was living here and then I remembered Dad mentioning something about Milton having a girlfriend.

He must be with her.

I walked through to the gate and into the next-door garden and what I saw shocked me.

The garden was overgrown, weeds were growing everywhere and I felt sad. Jeff and Gina had always taken care of it; their garden was their pride and joy.

“Milton, are you here?” I whispered again. Then I stopped dead in my tracks as I heard someone speak, it was a male voice.

“She’s back,” I could hear him say. “Yeah. I can’t do it yet, not straightaway, I need some time,” I could hear the voice.

Who the fuck was that? Who the hell was this guy talking to at this hour of the morning?

“Milton come here.” I said as I spotted Milton sauntering towards me as if he didn’t have a care in the world. He came through the gate as I heard the guy once more.

“I’ll do it soon. Very soon.”

Weird I thought, I must ask Dad tomorrow about who has moved in next door.

“Come on you, get yourself back in. You can see her tomorrow.” I said to Milton tickling him and pulling him slightly up towards the house by his collar.

I locked the back door, turned off the kitchen lights and went back to my room.

Milton and I slept quite well for the rest of that night.

**

“Tre… Tre… You need to find someone else… You need to find someone to love you, like I loved you… Please Tre”

Tre woke up in a hot sweat. He’d been dreaming of Sammi again and this was the second time that week. Well he wasn’t exactly dreaming of her, she didn’t appear in the dreams he just kept hearing her voice telling him what he should do. She kept saying to him to find someone, that he needed to be with someone and that he had a lot of love to give someone.

Well I don’t want to find anyone else Sammi, so please stop going on about it he thought as he got out of bed in just his boxers and wandered over to the window to look out at the stars above. He ruffled his hair as he looked up.

I don’t want anyone else Sammi, can’t you understand that. I tried. I tried with Susan and it didn’t work. I’m fine on my own, just Franky, and me looking after her and her band and Ramona is coming soon and I see Frankito all the time. I don’t want anyone coming into our home and spoiling things, taking over.

Just leave it will you he thought as he wandered back to bed.

He lay awake for a while. No, he didn’t need anyone; he was so busy at the moment. Well not busy because he missed playing with his two friends, he missed Billie but didn’t want to dwell on it. It made him feel sad for all that they’d shared.

Would things ever be the same again? Thought Tre has he pulled the quilt over him and went back to sleep.

**

When I woke, nobody was in the house. It was not surprising really because the kitchen clock read almost midday by the time I’d thrown up, had my shower, dressed and got myself downstairs. There was a note on the kitchen table in dad’s writing.

Charlie and I have popped out to buy a few provisions, we didn’t want to disturb you, sleepy head, see you in a while.

Dad xx

I smiled to myself as I put the note back onto the table, grabbed some orange juice and decided I’d have a little practice session at the drums.

Going down to the basement the first thing I noticed which I hadn’t seen before was a purple photograph album laying on the glass coffee table. On the front in silver lettering in Dad’s handwriting were the words Franky’s 18th birthday.

I hadn’t seen this before and Dad must have forgotten to show them to me.

Sitting down and sipping at my juice I flicked through the pages of the album. On the first page was Dad and myself, Dad was pulling a face as usual, the second was of Dad and I again, this time he was smiling proudly all over his face. I liked that photo a lot and took it out, thinking about getting a frame for it.

The third was of me with the band then as I turned the pages there were a few other individual shots, some with Hannah and myself and then Ed, Hannah and James together watching me blow out some candles. Then one of Dad, Mike and Billie, all three of them together, arms around each other.

Green Day.

Or were Green Day no more? I still had to discuss this with Dad, I just hoped the rumours were wrong, but where was Billie? Had they really split up and he’d gone away somewhere? I so hoped not, I was sure they still had so much to give. What would their fans think?

Then the next photo was of Billie and me. He had his arm across my shoulder. He wasn’t smiling, but then sometimes he didn’t, and he had his serious face on, looking at the camera with his black hair over his eyes and his black eyeliner still in place. I put my finger out to touch the picture then pulled back quickly.

”I love you Franky.”

But you’re married and you should be with Adrienne.

I slammed the album shut then and put it back onto the table but didn’t move, just stared at the album. Then I changed my mind and picked up the album again, and noticed that at the back, tucked into a little slot were some loose shots and there was a photograph of Dad with Adrienne at the party. I took out the photograph of Billie and myself, slipped it into the back with the loose photographs and in its place put the one of Dad and Adrienne.

I closed up the album then stood up and walked over to my drum kit, I needed a good drum I thought all of a sudden but the house phone rang before I even go to start.

“Hello,” I said into the phone.

“Hi Franky its Adrienne, are you OK today? Feeling better?” Said Adrienne.

“Loads better thanks Adi, are you OK?” I asked her, still thinking about the photograph of Billie and myself. Had she seen it? Had she seen the album? Dad must have shown her at some point. If she had did it remind her that Billie and I had slept together once?

“Not really. I need you to come over to the house because there is something I have to tell you and there is something I need you to see.”

After I put the phone down, why did I get the feeling that it was going to be another one of those days?

What the hell did she have to tell me? But I knew for some reason it was going to be about Billie.

I had the feeling he was gone for good.

Going back to the purple album I opened it once more, took out the photograph of Billie and myself and slipped it into my jeans pocket.