Purple Hearts

I didn’t know what to say, we both just sat there either side of the box while Adrienne held the black gun wrapped in my silk scarf. Oh shit.

“Adrienne, I feel sick,” I said and I did and I knew that this feeling was different to my pregnancy sick. It was fear sick.

“I felt like that too when I saw it,” said Adrienne.

“Shit Adi, do you think he has used it? Why does have it and where did he get it from?” I said looking at her. She was pale, she looked drawn and I felt sorry for her.

“Think about it,” said Adi looking up at me. Her brown eyes were huge, much larger than usual. She looked scared.

“No… not… no, I don’t believe it of him,” I said. I knew she was thinking about Pam and Sven.

“Actually I didn’t until I read some of his diaries,” said Adi wrapping up the gun back into the scarf and putting it back into the box. She didn’t want to look at it any longer.

“I don’t follow you,” I said to Adrienne.

She sighed, “Come downstairs,” she said standing up. “Lets go downstairs and I’ll explain,” she said putting the lid back on the box.

**

She sat on the sofa, opposite me. This house seemed so large all of a sudden and Adrienne looked so small, so small and delicate sitting there on the huge caramel coloured sofa. She looked ill; Billie should be here, helping.

Where the fuck are you Billie? I thought. You should be here, here with your wife. She needs you right now.

“Obviously Joey is obsessed with you,” said Adrienne, “and I didn’t realise.” She said looking at me.

“I didn’t realise either,” I said. How could I have missed this? “I kind of… kind of knew he sort of had a small… thing about me,” I admitted. Should I have said something to someone? No, why should I have, it was nothing, a schoolboy crush and like Adrienne said, we’ve all had them.

“I’ve read through his diaries. He knows everything that went on between Sven and I and according to what he has written if I hadn’t gone with Sven then his father and I would be together. Leaving… leaving you free for him. He hates James and Gerard because he knows how they feel about you? How DO they feel about you Franky? How does Joey know all this? I’m scared,” she suddenly said and broke down sobbing and crying. I went to her and put my arms around her.

“James still likes me but there is nothing between us and never will be but he won’t let it lie and Gerard… he’s… still keen also and I like him but Adrienne, please don’t worry, it’ll be fine, its nothing, perhaps we’re reading something out of nothing. Joey just has this crush for me, that’s all and maybe… yeah, maybe the gun isn’t real. I’ve never seen a real gun before, perhaps it belongs to a friend of his, its probably a water pistol,” I said hopefully.

“It’s a real gun Franky and he has hardly got any friends, just that Ellie girl that has been there, isn’t she a sister to James and Hannah?” she said.

“Yeah but… she’s a good kid, sweet, innocent, she wouldn’t get him involved in anything.” I said. I was sure of it. Ellie was a good, kind girl.

“When I said he hates James and Gerard I mean he HATES them Franky. It’s all there in his diaries. I think we need to speak to him before he does something stupid.”

“He wouldn’t.” I was sure of it.

“May be he has already,” said Adrienne. “What if he killed Sven and Pam? What if it all comes out somehow and they search the house? He could be locked up.”

“It’s not like that Adrienne, I’m sure of it. When he comes back you need to confront him, tell him what you’ve found, let him explain. I’m sure there is a simple explanation. Then we can all have a good laugh about it.” I said but Adrienne was hardly listening.

“Anyway I think you should call Billie, I think you need him here,” I said.

“No. He’s left us and I don’t want him near me. Its over between us Franky can’t you understand?”

No, I didn’t want to believe that they were over and the reason was because it was my fault that they were over and I couldn’t live with myself. I could only live properly with myself if they were back together like when I was younger and used to look up to what they had.

“Billie and I are finished, he’s left us and I have to get through this on my own. Well… with your help… if… you want.”

“Of course I’ll help you Adrienne but what should we do?” I asked. I was shit scared and didn’t want to be involved really but… too late, I was.

“I think we need to get rid of the gun,” she said looking at me; I’d never seen her so scared. “Could… could you get rid of it?” She asked me.

“Me?” My stomach sank.

“Yes. I’ve been waiting for you to come back, hoping that you’d know what to do,” she said. She’d been waiting for ME to come back. What the fuck could I do? Why didn’t she tell Dad about this? Why was it that everything seemed to end up at me?

My head was throbbing, my face burning and my heart thumping.

“Its OK, I’ll get rid of it, I don’t know where but I’ll do it,” I said.

Adrienne quietly got up and I could hear her upstairs. Within minutes she was back and handing me the gun wrapped in my beautiful silk scarf.

The gun that may have killed two people, oh my god.

Why did I bother coming back from England?

I shoved the gun into my bag quickly.

“Nobody must know about this,” said Adrienne.

“Of course, I won’t be telling anyone,” I said to her but I wanted to. I wanted to tell Dad and then I wanted to call Billie up and tell him too. I felt that they should know and would know what to do about this situation.

“Lets just act as normal as possible,” she said to me looking at me with scared eyes.

“Of course,” I said.

Then I had to do it. I had to ask and afterwards I kicked myself for it.

“Adrienne, if Billie came back, came back tonight. Would you and he get back together?”

She smiled then and slightly shook her head.

“Oh Franky no, its over between us, definitely. We don’t want each other like that, and anyway, I… I think I’ve found someone else.”

**

I didn’t know what to do with the gun? It had to be put somewhere that nobody could find it but where? I’d let myself into the house and gone straight upstairs. I didn’t know what to do with the gun so I just shoved it at the bottom of the wardrobe, right at the back. It could stay there, just for a while, just while I decided what to do.

**

We were eating dinner, just Dad and I. Charlie had gone to Adrienne’s house to show her the pictures from the photo shoot and said that she was going to cook something for him. Funny, she hadn’t mentioned that he was coming round earlier.

”So when do WE get to see these shots then?” I shouted out to him as he was on his way out the door.

”Soon enough, maybe tomorrow if you eat all your greens,” Charlie said knowing I hated any form of green vegetable.

“You OK blue eyes?” Said Dad. He’d finished his meal and was sitting with me while I ate mine but I could only managed half of it.

“Just tired,” I said, playing around with my food, my mind buzzing with what went on earlier.

“You always seem so tired just lately.” Said Dad. I could tell he was concerned about me and I felt guilty, guilty from keeping my pregnancy from him, guilty from keeping the gun discovery from him. Just guilty. Dad didn’t deserve it but then I thought he’d been through so much, he could do without my problems too.

“Do I?” Well I was, tired of everything and sometimes I just wish I was 14 again without a care in the world.

“Yes, you look very tired, has everything got too much for you? Has the band got too much?” He said his blue eyes staring at me, waiting for an answer.

“No, everything is just fine,” I said then faked a smile.

“You’re not going to eat anymore are you?” Said Dad indicating my plate.

“No. Its over isn’t it Dad?” I said looking up at him. I had to know.

“Is what over?” said Dad taking a slug from his beer

“Green Day.” I said.

He looked down.

“You’ve finished haven’t you, after all those years together you’ve ended it.” Please don’t end it, please tell me it’s a joke, and tell me that you’re just having a small break like you did before. Please.

“So you read Billie’s note.” Dad said playing around with the beer glass.

“Yep.” I responded.

“Its true, I kind of mentioned to Billie about him not writing stuff since he got back from the last tour and he threw it back in my face and asked if I’d written anything. Of course I hadn’t. I said what’s the point and he kind of agreed. Mike was shocked but I think he’s fine about it as he gets to spend more time with Jen.”

“Oh Dad I can’t believe it.” This wasn’t happening.

“Neither can I really.” Said Tre and he looked sad about it.

”Did you regret saying that to him and when did you have that conversation anyway?” I said to him.

“I sort of regret it but it was on the spur of the moment just after… just after you and Billie.. I said it in anger because he’d pissed me off.” Said Dad.

I knew it. It was all my fault. Everything came back to me; the gun business was probably all about me. Joey was obsessed about me and now Green Day had split up because Billie had slept with me.

“I think you need to tell Billie that you sort of regret it,” I said.

“Yeah but… he’s gone.”

“He can’t be gone for good, Adrienne is worried that he’ll never come back.” Billie will be back, I’m sure of it. Billie would be back I knew he wouldn’t leave his boys and never return, he wouldn’t do that. There WAS a reason for him going though, if only I could contact him but I couldn’t do it. I had his number, should I send him a message to tell him I was thinking about him? What was I doing thinking about him? Forget him and get on with your life, as soon as he’s back he’ll get back with Adrienne, its inevitable.

“Its too late, what’s done is done and I think if Billie comes back he’ll make a go of it on his own, go solo or something.” Dad was saying.

“You think so?” I questioned. I couldn’t imagine Billie going solo without his buddies but then he could, there was a possibility after all Good Riddance was a solo song and also that song he did for me, it was perfect.

“Yeah. He always said he wouldn’t play in a band with anyone but us but… who knows, it was years ago that he said that when he probably [I[couldn’t imagine being without us.”

“Do you have any idea where he is?” I asked.

Dad hesitated. He definitely hesitated, I was sure of it. I think Dad knows where Billie would have gone. So why isn’t he going to him then?

“No, no idea where he is at all,” Dad said standing up and clearing away the plates. I stood up to help him, just as a message came through on my phone.

“I’ll do these, you go upstairs and rest, looks like you need it,” said Dad. I think he was glad of me going upstairs, I don’t think he wanted to answer any more of my questions.

As I walked past the kitchen to go upstairs I noticed him on his phone, smiling widely again and laughing this time.

Who the hell was he talking to now?

**

I lay back on my bed and read the message. It was from Gerard.

HI FRANKY, I’M HOME TOMORROW. COME OVER TO MY PLACE. I THINK ITS TIME TO FIND OUT WHAT YOUR ANSWER WILL BE.

Oh my god he was back tomorrow. He wanted to know if I’d marry him or not

My head was spinning and I went to the wardrobe just to check. Yep it was there, tucked in the corner with my star scarf wrapped around it. Thank God.

My head was pounding and I couldn’t settle so switched on my computer. I suddenly remembered that website that Emily had showed me back in England. Geekstinkbreath.net and logged onto it. It asked for a user name so I made one up, I was now a member. Username: FrankyCool, Password: Milton.

I had a surf around the site and looked at some of the threads. None of them mentioned that Billie had gone walkabouts but some of the threads had picked up on the fact that they thought Green Day had split up. It made quite sad reading. Then I saw it and my stomach fell. It was a thread called Lets Reunite Billie and Adi. I entered it and it was like a shrine to them, all the kids wanting them to get back together, votes as to whether they would get back together and how long it would take if they did. People that said they were meant for each other and that it would only be a matter of time, others were saying that they weren’t suited and got slated for it.

It was obvious what the fans thought. They felt that Billie and Adrienne should be together.

Then I saw another thread. The Franky Cool thread. A thread about me and I didn’t know what to do. Should I go and have a look about what they all thought of me? No. I wouldn’t, I couldn’t, I didn’t want to know so I chickened out, logged off the website and turned off the computer.

Lying on my bed I thought of Gerard. Was he right for me? Could I be having his child? Sometimes it would be so much easier if it were his child and we got married and were together. I fell asleep wondering what the answer would be that I gave him tomorrow but I’d kind of made up my mind.

I knew what I was going to tell him.

**

I awoke the telephone ringing but nobody seemed to be picking up.

Before I had a chance to answer I heard Ramona’s voice.

“Franky?”

“Hi Ramona. What’s wrong?” She sounded panicked.

“I’ve run away.”

“WHAT, you’ve run away from home?” Oh shit.

“Yes.” She said and then started crying.

“Oh Ramona. Where are you sweetheart?”

“I’m nearby, in Berkeley.”

“Berkeley, how on earth?”

“I didn’t go to school and got a flight here.”

“Your mother doesn’t know does she?” I said to her.

“No and nor does Dad. Yet.”

“Oh Ramona.” I sighed.

“Please come and get me Franky.” She practically begged.

“Where exactly are you?”

“I’m at Uncle Mike’s diner.”

“I’ll be there in ten minutes.” Of course I had to get her, there was no one else.

**

I hadn’t seen Ramona for about a year. We’d never had a close relationship; we spoke on the phone occasionally and sent the odd email. Sometimes she was on msn at the same time as me and we chatted but she hardly came out to visit, Dad always seemed to go to her. I always sort of thought she kind of resented me a little, me being with Dad and her not. There was nothing to resent, it’s just the way it was.

**

She was standing outside Uncle Mike’s diner and… she’d changed. She had grown up into a beautiful young lady, in fact as I pulled up the car next to her the likeness was astounding. She looks so like me I thought. Then she turned and I saw it, a flash of purple, a purple streak just like mine, and her fingernails, they were purple too.

Ramona looked exactly like me.

**

“Oh Franky, I couldn’t stand it anymore,” she said as soon as I got out of the car and went to her.

She fell into my arms and this shocked me.

“Couldn’t stand what Ramona?” What the fuck was this all about?

“Its Mum’s new boyfriend.” She said sniffing and looking up at me.

“What about him?” I said.

“I can’t tell you…” said Ramona… “I’m so ashamed."