Giving In

Gerard watched as the number blinked across the phone. It was the same number that had been blinking for the past three months. He couldn’t bring himself to answer it, but he couldn’t bring himself to just watch it ring either. He sighed and pulled the blankets above his head and rolled over to bury his face in his pillow.

“Mmm, Gee go to sleep,” Frank moaned, kicking his friend lightly. “Just ignore it.” Gerard nodded even though he knew Frank wasn’t looking, and he did his best to ignore it.

He knew the ringing would stop. He knew he would stop calling. He knew once the drugs kicked in, he would pass out and Gerard could have some peace and quiet. But Gerard also knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep. The ringing would stop, and he would lie awake till morning. Just like he had the past three months.

~

“Just answer it,” Frank whined tossing the phone to Gerard. “I swear I don’t think I’ll be able to make it another night.”

Gerard sighed as he held the ringing phone in his hands. He wanted to answer it, but he didn’t know if he could. He wanted things to go back to the way they were, but he didn’t want to give in.

“I’m going to work, Gee,” Frank said half-way out the front door. “I think you should answer it.”

Gerard’s gaze never left the ringing phone in his lap. Frank was right. He knew he should answer it. He knew by not answering it, he was just being selfish. It wasn’t right to put Frank through this. Gerard was so thankful to have someone like Frank, to take him in so he wouldn’t be on the streets. He had to answer it.

Suddenly, the phone stopped ringing. Gerard stared down at it holding his breath. He wasn’t sure if he was waiting for it to ring again, or just hoping it wouldn’t. After a moment of silence, Gerard sighed and placed the phone back in its cradle. He yawned and ran a hand through his messy, long locks as he made his way to the kitchen for some coffee.

He sighed in contentment as he sipped his coffee and pushed some cereal around his bowl, waiting for it to become soggy. He grabbed the morning paper from the other side of the table and began flipping through it, skimming over some story about gas prices, not really taking in what he was reading.

Gerard’s heart dropped to his stomach as the phone began to ring again. He swallowed hard as he pushed his chair out from behind him and slowly walked into the living room. His palms were sweaty as he reached for it, remembering that he’d said he was going to answer it. He didn’t bother to look at the number. He knew that would only make him second guess his decision.

“H-Hello?” he choked up.

“Gerard?” a voice asked on the other line.

“Y-Yeah.”

“Hi.”

“Hi.”

Silence.

“How are you?” the voice asked.

“Fine.”

“That’s good.”

“Yeah.”

“I haven’t seen you in a long time.”

“And whose fault is that, Bert?”

“Jesus, c’mon man I know I fucked up.”

“Yeah, you did.”

“Come over.”

“What?” Gerard exclaimed, scrunching his face even though he knew Bert couldn’t see.

“Come over.”

“Why the fuck would I come over?”

“To talk.”

“We have nothing to talk about.”

“I want to talk about it. About us.”

“Us is long gone.”

“Please?”

Gerard didn’t know what to do. Bert hurt him. He really fucked up. But he knew he was easily persuaded by the younger man. Bert never so much as had to beg to get Gerard to do anything. And as much as he hated to admit it, he missed Bert and he wanted to be with him. Maybe Frank was right. Maybe people do change.

“How did you know I would be here?” Gerard asked, changing the subject.

“You only had me and him, Gee. It was either Frank’s or the streets. Besides, you always turn to him when you can’t make up your own mind.” Gerard could hear the smirk forming on Bert’s face.

He bit his lip. He hated how much Bert knew about him.

“Please?”

“To talk.”

“That’s it.”

“Ok.”

“I’ll see you in a few.” Click.

~

Gerard sat in his car outside Bert’s apartment building. He knew he would go in. He knew he was going to give in. But he was stalling. He tapped his fingers against the steering wheel, glancing around nervously as if he were doing something he wasn’t supposed to. Like he was going to get caught.

Finally, he took a deep breath and unclicked his seatbelt. Gerard was fighting himself mentally the whole way up to the fifth floor which Bert lived on. He wanted to turn back, but he knew he wouldn’t. He knew the right thing to do was to forget Bert forever, but he just couldn’t do that.

Gerard knocked on the door three times and waited impatiently for an answer. He shifted his weight awkwardly from one foot to the other. He bit his lip in anticipation. The rustling on the other end became louder, and soon, the door opened.

There stood Bert McCracken, looking, for the sake of irony and lack of a better term, as cracked out as ever. His long black hair appeared to have not been brushed or washed in days. He clothes were dirty, and he smelled. He had bags under his eyes from lack of sleep, and his face seemed to take on a paler tint since the last time Gerard had seen him. Sadly, Gerard wasn’t expecting anything else.

Bert blew some smoke from the cigarette he was smoking out of his mouth, and stepped aside, signaling for the older boy to come in.

“You look good,” Bert said, eyeing the boy up and down from behind.

“You look like shit.”

“I try.”

“I know.”

“Do you want coffee?” Bert asked, putting his smoke out in an ash tray and making his way toward kitchen.

“Sure,” Gerard replied dryly, taking a seat at the small table, in the small kitchen, in the small apartment, because it was all Bert could afford. Money had always been an issue with them. Bert poured two cups of coffee and took the seat across from Gerard at the table.

“Jesus..really, when was the last time you slept, man? You look like death.”

“Well thank you, Gerard,” Bert rolled his eyes. “It’s lovely to see you too.”

“Anytime,” Gerard smirked.

“So,” he said, lighting another cigarette and passing the lighter to Gerard so he could light one of his own.

“So.”

“D’you fuck him?” Bert asked plainly.

“What?”

“Frank.”

“What?!” Gerard exclaimed. “Jesus! Bert no! Fuck, no!”

“You sleep in the same bed as him,” he said cocking an eyebrow.

“That’s because it’s a one bedroom apartment and there is only one bed! Frank won’t let me sleep on the couch! Some shit about it not being good for my back…”

Bert cocked the other eyebrow.

“Bert, he’s my best friend!”

“Whatever you say,” he shook his head slightly, taking a sip of his coffee.

Gerard sighed and took a drag from his smoke. He knew coming here would be a bad idea. He always fucking gives in.

“Wait, how did you know we sleep in the same bed?”

“I know these things,” Bert shrugged. Now it was Gerard’s turn to cock an eyebrow.

“You’re a creep.”

“Indeed I try,” Bert smirked.

“So what about you?”

“Huh?”

“Have you fucked anyone?”

Bert bit his lip and let his eyes wander downward. He brought a hand up to run through his messy hair, and he sighed.

“I was…really drunk,” he admitted. “I-I’m sorry.”

“Nice. So basically, you call me twenty four-seven, never leave me alone, act like you wanna get back together, but you’re out fucking other guys!”

“I have not been out fucking other guys!” Bert tells him, getting offensive. “It was one guy! One time! And I told you, I was really drunk!”

“Being drunk is no excuse!”

“Being drunk is a very good excuse!”

Gerard sighed. He’d had this argument way to many times to know he was not going to win. When Bert thinks he’s right, there’s no changing his mind. Especially when it came to being drunk. He was the most stubborn person Gerard knew.

“Who was it?” he asked lowly.

“Quinn...” Bert responded, equally as quiet.

“Great.”

“I’m sorry!”

“How the fuck did…I thought he moved back to Utah!”

“Quinn moved, baby.” That’s what Bert had said to him when they first started going out, almost four years ago. “I swear, he’s gone. Back to Utah.”

Bert sighed again, letting his head drop into his palms. There was silence between them. Bert didn’t know what to say; how to put it.

“Bert. I thought..he moved back..to Utah..”

“I’m sorry,” he nearly whispered.

“Sorry for what…”

“Quinn never moved back to Utah,” he sighed, muttering into his hands as he picked his head up to look at Gerard and rested his elbows on the table. “He moved to New York. We stayed in touch. Ever since we broke up.”

“So while we were dating, you were fucking him!”

“No! Gerard, I never fucking cheated on you! Ever! I never fucked him while we were dating!”

“So what are you saying?”

“I’m saying, I stayed friends with him the entire time me and you were dating.”

“Even though you knew I hated him!” Gerard slammed his fists down on the table, causing Bert to jump back a little.

“I-I’m sorry…”

“Bert, I only hated him because he fucked you over!”

Gerard was now standing and he began to pace the area in front of the table running his hands through his hair. The relationship they’d had was a lie. Four years of his life had been built up on lies.

“God! Bert, he toyed with your emotions! He cheated on you! He stole whatever fucking money you had! And you stayed in touch with him? What the fuck for? And yes, I hated him! I still fucking do! I loved you, and he fucked you over! Of course I hated him!”

“Loved?” Bert whispered softly.

“What?” Gerard said after taking a moment to register that Bert had spoken.

“Loved,” Bert repeated, now looking up at Gerard. “You said you loved me. You…don’t anymore?”

Gerard licked his suddenly dry lips. Did he still love Bert? He asked himself this question everyday. He broke it off between them, because Bert refused to grow up. He was a child; a pathetic addict. As much as Gerard tried to change him, Bert wanted to be that way. He wanted to be high. He wanted to be drunk. He didn’t see a problem with it, and you can’t fix someone who doesn’t know they’re broken.

Everyone would question Gerard and why he stuck with Bert so long. Simply, he loved him. When Bert wasn’t high or drunk, he was perfect. He would wake up before Gerard and make him breakfast, and cuddle up with him on the couch when he knew Gee had had a bad day. He was adorable and fun to be around, and he knew just how to make him smile. Also, he loved him back. Gerard had been in love before, but never with anyone who felt the same way.

But, countless times Bert had put his addiction over Gerard, and Gerard did plenty to put Bert’s addiction above himself. Bert would be in debt for life if you counted up how much money he borrowed from Gerard for drugs or beer. But Gerard spent too many nights cleaning the vomit off the floor near the toilet because Bert was too fucked up to aim into the bowl. He spent too many hours awake holding a sleeping Bert in his arms, watching him to make sure he wouldn’t throw up in his sleep. Gerard spent too many hours crying on Frank’s couch, asking himself why he continued to put himself through Bert’s abuse. And he always landed on the same answer. He loved him.

But apparently, that just wasn’t enough. Gerard wanted to be with Bert. Not the angry, drunk, mean Bert, but the sober, clean, adorable Bert. And not just part time. He needed that Bert to be there always, but Bert didn’t want that. Bert wanted drugs, alcohol, and lots of it. So Gerard had finally had enough.

“I..I don’t..” Gerard stammered.

“I still love you,” Bert muttered, his head down.

“Bert…”

“I’m sorry…”

Gerard let out a deep breath and sat back down at the table. He let his hands run through his hair, before finally picking his head up to look at the other boy. Bert smiled weakly and locked his eyes with the others.

“I do..still love you,” he said, not taking his eyes away from Gerard’s.

“God…you hurt me, kid.”

“I know..” They sat in silence for another moment.

“Is there anything else..you..lied about?” Gerard asked.

“No, I swear there wasn’t. And god, you have no idea, like I hated keeping mine and Quinn’s friendship a secret.”

“So why did you do it?”

“Because I knew you hated him.

“No,” he shook his head slightly. “Why did you stay friends with him?”

“Why did you come over here today?” Gerard’s eyes drifted down and he began to fiddle with his fingers. “I..loved him, Gee. As shitty as he was to me, I loved him. Just like you loved me. I was a jerk to you almost all the time. But, you still loved me. R-right?” Gerard just nodded. “I hoped me and you could be friends like me and him were, but that was before I realized how much I missed you.” Gerard brought his eyes up to meet Bert’s once again. “Did you miss me?” Gerard nodded again. “So..do you think..we could..work this out?”

“I don’t know,” Gerard said, his voice cracking slightly.

Bert reached across the table and took hold of one of Gerard’s hands. He held it loosely on the table and ran his thumb over the older boy’s knuckles. Gerard stared down at his hand linked with Bert’s. He wanted to pull it away, but he just couldn’t. A small smile appeared on Bert’s face, and he brought Gerard’s fingers to his mouth. He placed a soft kiss on his hand, then put it back on the table. He smiled feebly once more before he got up to get himself another cup of coffee.

Gerard sighed heavily and crossed the room to the other boy. He placed his hands on Bert’s shoulders and let them slide down his back to drape loosely around the younger’s waist. Bert purred softly as Gerard kissed the back of his neck. He brought his hands to rest on the older man’s, who’s held Bert’s hip bones.

“I can’t,” Gerard whispered pulling away from Bert. With that, he walked out of the small kitchen, in the small apartment, and out of Bert’s life forever.

He was tired of giving in.