Hurtful Words

I only waited around at the hospital for another hour or so when I told Max I was going back to the apartment. “Here,” I mumbled shoving the jacket I had brought with me for Ronnie into his arms, “he might need this.”
“Lindsey, c-,” Max began to protest when I put a hand in the air to stop him.
“Please don’t, Max,” I said, shaking my head, “I just don’t want to be here right now.” He looked as if he wanted to say something else but he didn’t. I took Ronnie’s cell phone from my pocket and dialled a cab before handing the phone to Max as well and leaving the emergency room.

It was freezing outside and I bounced up and down to try and keep warm as the pavement chilled my bare feet. I hadn’t had time to grab my shoes before we left the apartment. I wrapped my arms around myself as a taxi pulled up to curb. “Lindsey Paige?” the driver asked me from the window. I nodded and climbed into the backseat. I slumped against the window, Ronnie’s hoodie rising against my cheeks as I lowered my shoulders. It smelt like cigarettes and mint. The scent made me cringe and I opened the window a fraction to escape him.

I trudged up the stairs to the apartment. I could hear the couple that lived up above us arguing as they often were as I struggled to unlock the door. When I finally managed to get inside I threw my keys down on the table and turned the radiator on. I was at a loss as to what to do and if I hadn’t been able to sleep before, I certainly wouldn’t be able to now. I sat on the sofa, switching the television on, and tied my hair back from my face. I was trying to distract myself but it wasn’t working. One of those old, cheesy horror movies that Max always liked was on but I wasn’t really paying attention. The image of Ronnie sprawled on the bathroom floor, his lips turning blue, always managed to find its way back to me. I quickly wiped at my eyes as more tears began to form there.
“He’s not breathing! What do I do?”
“Ronnie. Where’s Ronnie?”
“What’s your emergency?”
“We have a possible drug overdose.”
With the paramedic’s voice playing over and over on my mind I got up off the couch. I wandered back to the bathroom leaning against the doorframe. If it weren’t for the small smear of blood on the wall, I would have thought I had dreamt the entire thing. “We have a possible drug overdose.” I walked over to the sink and began searching through the bottles of hair product and face wash. Finding nothing I looked through the drawers and dropped to my knees using my hand to search behind the sink and toilet. And that’s when I found it. My fingers brushed against the smooth surface, catching on the point at the corner. I closed my hand around it and brought it up to the light. Between my fingers was a waxy piece of paper folded into a rectangle. I unfolded it carefully. Inside was a small amount of a brownish powder. I searched through the bathroom again, emptying the drawers onto the floor and sifting through the hamper of dirty laundry. When I didn’t come up with anything else, I went back to the brown powder. I couldn’t find a needle. Maybe he had snorted it. At the very sight of it, anger swelled in my throat and stomach, heat rising in my cheeks. I shook my head as the tears that had been welling in my ears fell down my face, and dumped the powder into the toilet, flushing it. As I watched the water swirl away I turned, grabbing a cup that sat on the sink and threw it at the wall.

The sun rose above the city and I still hadn’t been able to sleep. I went to Ronnie and Max’s rooms, collecting their dirty laundry and walked the four blocks to the Laundromat. I washed and dried their clothes four times over so I wouldn’t have to go back to the apartment. It was almost four in the afternoon when I had dried their clothes for the last time and packed them away in the large white laundry bags. When I got back to the apartment, I folded each old shirt and pair of black pants carefully and put them away in their drawers, though it was hard to tell what belonged to whom. I washed the dishes and cleaned the refrigerator out and time still seemed to drag on. It was a little after six when Max finally arrived home with Ronnie in tow. His skin was pale and he almost looked grey in the face. He had his hands buried in the pockets of the jacket I had taken him and he was wearing a pair of black jeans that I guessed he had found in the back of Max’s car. He played with his hair nervously while his bloodshot eyes remained focussed on the floor. “I’m going to give Brian a call,” Max said, scratching the back of his neck. I nodded, though I didn’t really know what he was talking about and Ronnie sauntered past me in the direction of his room. As soon as he was out of sight Max looked at me shaking his head. “Max,” I said, walking over to him and lowering my voice, “he looks awful.”
“Yeah, well heroin tends to do that to you,” he snapped. I wrapped my arms around myself and leant back against the counter. Max flopped down by the table and rubbed his hands over his face. “I’m sorry, Linds. I jus-,” he began to say when I interrupted him.
“No, I get it,” I replied, “it’s fine.” Max nodded slowly, before giving a frustrated sigh, and landed his head on the table. I stood beside him awkwardly for a moment.
“I’m going to call Brian,” he said and left the room quickly.
“Okay,” I mumbled after him and decided, with nothing else to do, I would make dinner.

Another two hours passed by and neither Max nor Ronnie had left their rooms. I had contemplated going in to see Max but had decided against it, not wanting to have him snap at me again. Finally, I heated a plate of the dinner I had made but hadn’t touched and knocked softly on his door. “Max?” I asked, opening it a fraction, “Max, it’s Lindsey.”
“Come in,” he said, jumping off his bed at the sound of my voice to open the door for me. “You know you don’t need to knock,” he told me as I entered his room and set the plate of food on his bed.
“I brought you some dinner,” I said, motioning at it lazily as I shrugged, “I wasn’t sure if you were hungry.” He sent me a small grateful smile as he closed the door and I sat down on his bed.
“Lindsey, I’m really sorry about all this,” he murmured, leaning back against his door.
“It’s not your fault,” I whispered as a familiar lump formed in my throat. I looked around his room quickly. It was always a mess but there was considerably less clothing on the floor after the laundry I had done earlier that day. I looked behind me as I heard a thud against the wall separating Max’s room from Ronnie’s. “What am I supposed to say to him?” I asked, chewing on my thumbnail anxiously. Max shrugged.
“That’s if you ever want to speak to him again,” he added. I pressed my lips together lightly in thought as Max sat next to me on the bed and picked at the food I’d made him. Moments later, he let out a deep sigh and set the plate on the floor beside his bed. “I’m going to get cigarettes,” he told me, running a hand through his messy black hair, “do you want anything?” I shook my head and watched while he got off the bed and pulled on a hooded sweatshirt. “I’ll be right back,” he said before leaving his room. I laid back on his bed, holding my hands over my face before I picked up Max’s plate and took it back to the kitchen.

I got up early the next morning to shower. Being in that bathroom again was awful and I could only bear to stand beneath the scalding water for ten minutes or so. Max was still asleep so I decided to do the few dishes that had been collecting in the sink. I cleaned out the refrigerator again, though it was still spotless from the day before, and changed the light bulb in the kitchen. I tidied up the envelopes and bits of paper that I had scattered about the apartment looking for the address to give the paramedics and rearranged the cushions on the sofa. Somewhere in the midst of my cleaning frenzy Max had entered the kitchen sitting at the table, resting his head in his hands while he watched me busy myself around the apartment. He didn’t dare stop me. “Lindsey,” he said quietly, “I’m having the guys over in a couple of hours for a band meeting.” I glanced at him before returning to dusting the top of the television and wiping the coffee table clean. “I really think it would be better if you weren’t here,” he told me. I nodded, throwing the cloth down on the table in front of him.
“Sure,” I said, “whatever you want.”

An hour later I grabbed my coat and left the apartment. I had no idea where I was going or how long this band meeting would take. I hadn’t even known about Max and Ronnie’s band until Max mentioned the meeting to me but I hadn’t the energy to ask him about it. It didn’t really surprise me, I guess. Max had always doing something with his music. I’d been walking for well over an hour in whatever direction my body would take me. My mind was somewhere else. I realised that I didn’t know this part of Vegas very well and was probably lost but I didn’t care. I really didn’t mind being lost for the moment. As I wandered a few more blocks I came across a grocery store and decided to pick up a few things Max had forgotten before trying to make my way back to the apartment. Though I wasn’t sure, I guessed the band meeting was about Ronnie and wouldn’t take much longer than an hour. I walked up and down the isles in a daze, throwing various items into the shopping basket I had went I felt a gentle tapping on my shoulder. “Excuse me, Lindsey?” I whipped around quickly, almost losing my balance. “It’s me, Ashlin.” I looked up at the guy who had stopped me, my forehead creasing in confusion. “I met you at Evan’s the other night,” he prodded, trying to help me remember.
“Oh, of course,” I said shaking my head, “Ashlin, hi.” He smiled widely at me.
“So, you guys kind of left in a hurry the other night,” he said, rubbing his neck out of nervousness.
“Yeah,” I replied and began walking along the isle again. Ashlin fell in step beside me.
“You’re a friend of Ronnie’s?” he asked.
“He’s my roommate,” I told him, trying my best to avoid providing his question with any real answer.
“Oh,” Ashlin sighed. He chatted to me for a bit longer before we reached the end of the isle.
“I actually have to get going,” he said, glancing at his watch quickly. “But it was really good seeing you again, Lindsey.” I nodded at him, forcing a smile.
“You too,” I replied, tucking my hair behind my ears. He rubbed a hand over his face before giving a small laugh.
“This is going to sound really pathetic,” he warned, looking down at the floor between us before glancing up at me from behind his mop of brown hair. “I was kind of hoping to get your number the other night, maybe I can take you to dinner sometime?” I licked my chapped lips quickly.
“Sure,” I said and rattled off my phone number to him.
“Thanks,” he said, his smile widening, if that was possible. I noticed he had the same set of perfect teeth as Evan and I couldn’t help but smile back. “And like I said, it was really good seeing you again.” I nodded and said a quick goodbye as he disappeared into the next isle.
“Wait, Ashlin?” I called after him.
“Yeah?” he said taking a few steps backwards so he was in front of me once more.
“You wouldn’t be able to help me find my apartment, would you?”

Ashlin walked me the entire way back to my apartment. Talking to him almost made everything that had been on my mind earlier that day fade away. Almost. “So, this is you?” he asked, looking up at my apartment building as I came to a stop on the pavement.
“Yep,” I mumbled, “this is me.” He planted a quick kiss on my cheek, a goofy grin creeping across his face.
“Bye Lindsey,” he said, handing the bags of groceries he had insisted on carrying back to me as I began to blush like mad.
“Bye,” I murmured, pressing my hand to my cheek where the warm sensation his lips had created still remained. I shook my head, not able to wipe the smile off my face as I climbed the 9 flights of stairs to the apartment. I slid my key in the lock when the door flung open almost knocking me to my feet. “Sorry,” a group of three guys mumbled, all dressed similarly to Max as they made their way past me and down the stairs. I guess the band meeting was over. Max was sitting on the sofa with his head buried in his hands and jumped slightly as I closed the door behind me. “Lindsey,” he said, “I didn’t realise you were here.”
“I just got back,” I replied tentatively, “are you okay?”
“I’m fine, I’m fine,” he mumbled, waving me off. “I actually have to go past Amy’s to pick a few things up. Will you be all right here?” he asked, grabbing his keys and a jacket from the coat hook as he passed it. Before I even had time to reply, or ask who Amy was for that matter, he was out the door. I exhaled sharply as I slipped out of my coat and began to put the groceries away. I was almost halfway done when I heard someone cough slightly behind me. I glanced over my shoulder to see Ronnie standing there, rubbing his elbow. “Hey,” he said meekly. I rolled my eyes and reached up on my tiptoes to put a box of pop tarts away. I thought they were awful but Max loved them.
“Hi,” I replied sharply, closing the cupboard door. I tried my best to ignore him as I continued to go about putting the various items I had purchased away.
“So, I made a New Years Resolution,” he said, trying to break the awkward silence.
“Yeah, and what would that be Ronnie?” I asked in a tone that suggested I really didn’t want to hear about it as I pushed past him to put a bottle of diet soda in the refrigerator. I almost dropped it when he grabbed my wrist.
“Listen,” he said, “all I want to do this year is get to know you better and love you more.” I shrugged him off.
“Well, until about 4 am yesterday morning you weren’t going to live to see this year so I wouldn’t take that resolution too seriously if I were you,” I replied snidely and marched over to the lounge. I could hear him groan, letting his head roll back as I collected the glasses from the coffee table. As I passed the sofa, I let out a yelp as I felt a piece of glass embed itself in the sole of my foot. I silent cursed myself for not having swept the floor after dropping my wine glass in the early hours of New Years Day. I mumbled a slew of swear words as I flopped down on the couch, grabbing my foot and inspecting it closely. “What?” Ronnie asked from behind me, “What did you do?”
“Nothing,” I growled, as I scratched at my foot trying to dislodge the shard of glass, “it’s just some glass.”
“Here,” he murmured, kneeling in front of me and taking my foot in his hand. I kicked him away, though not hard enough to cause him any real pain and hobbled over to the kitchen. “You’re so fucking stubborn,” he muttered, following after me, “Would you just let me look at it?”
“Go away,” I whined, sitting on the counter and grabbing my foot once more. Ronnie ignored my orders and came to stand in front of me. He grabbed my ankle firmly.
“Hold still,” he demanded as he tried to remove the glass. I winced in pain as his fingers grazed its edge but remained still. “I didn’t mean to scare you,” Ronnie said quietly, referring to his overdose.
“You didn’t,” I replied curtly, folding my arms over my chest. In truth, Ronnie had scared me. I don’t think I’d ever been more afraid before in my life. I’d never really had much of an experience with drugs, with the exception of the pot I’d tried once or twice with Max and Dane while they were still in high school. I wiped at my eyes as tears began to form at their corners, hoping Ronnie wouldn’t see.
“I think I’ve got it,” he said, talking about the glass that had been caught in my foot. His hand lingered on my ankle for a moment longer when I pulled it away and slid off the counter. I grabbed the cloth from the sink and began to wipe down the table for about the third time that day, although it was already spotless.
“Lindsey,” Ronnie sighed, trying to get my attention. I paid him no notice. “Lindsey,” he repeated loudly, pushing me lightly, “would you stop cleaning for one goddamned minute and listen to me?” I turned to look at him.
“You know what? I’m not so sure I even want to speak to you, let alone hear what you have to say,” I threatened, jabbing his chest with my finger. He grabbed it, holding it there. He looked furious and I cowered away from him slightly.
“So, I overdosed. So what?” he said, gripping my wrist tightly.
“So what? So what?! What the fuck is wrong with you?!” I shrieked, smacking him hard across the face with my free hand.
“I’ll die with a needle in my arm. Everyone knows it,” he replied, glaring at me. I shook my head and laughed bitterly.
“Fuck you, Ronnie,” I said, my eyes burning with tears.
“What was that?” he asked, dropping my hand and pushing past me. He flopped down in a seat behind the table and picked at the gash in his palm disinterestedly.
“Fuck you!” I shouted, swiping at a glass that was just within in my reach. It flew from the table, hit the wall beside him and shattered, fragments of the glass getting caught in his dark hair and glinting as the light hit them. His expression softened but I didn’t care to hear his excuses and stormed off to my room. I slammed my bedroom door, wiping at my eyes. Hot tears dribbled down my face. With anger still burning at the pit of my stomach, I paced around my room, kicking at items of clothing on the floor. And that’s when it caught my eye. It was sitting on my windowsill, it hadn’t moved since I’d first put it there. I bit the inside of my cheek as I noticed it nestled in the pink tissue paper it had once been wrapped in. I took a deep breath and stormed over to it, grabbing it from where it sat beside my bed and holding it tight in the palm of my hand. My knuckles turned white as I grasped it. I shook my head, laughing resentfully at how stupid I’d been to accept his apology in the first place, as I opened my fingers. The fine silver chain brushed against my skin and the solid silver heart pendant seemed to burn a hole through my palm. I looked it over once more, the tears I couldn’t seem to stop still falling. Without thinking I opened the window beside my bed and tossed the necklace out, watching as it fell the 9 storeys to the ground below. God, I hated what he was doing to me.