Hurtful Words

It wasn’t soon after I had gone back to work that I started taking on a Saturday shift as well. I’d work from eight until seven, six days a week. My Mom had gotten back from her vacation with Dirk and I had been home for dinner several times since then. I’d seen Ashlin a number of times since our kiss outside of my apartment building. Finally, things seemed to be settling down again somewhat and I'd been happier than I had been in far to long.

Almost a month had passed when I was walking back to the apartment after work one night. Between the hours I was putting in at the clinic and the time I’d spent with Ashlin, I’d hardly been back to the apartment, let alone seen Max. Or Ronnie, for that matter. The weather was finally starting to warm up again, but only slightly, with the change of the seasons. Even with the change in temperature, a light rain had been falling over the city all day. I had armfuls of paperwork with me that I needed to finish before the next morning at the clinic, and a plastic bag of take out food because I simply couldn’t be bothered to cook for everyone. I fumbled with my key for a moment before swinging the door open. The apartment was dark and quiet, and surprisingly clean for once. “Max?” I called out as I carefully set my paperwork down on the table, trying to keep it from spilling onto the floor. “Ronnie?” When I didn’t get a reply I slipped out of the jacket I was wearing and hung it on the rack by the door. I stood on my tiptoes to reach in a cabinet above the sink for a plate.
“Hello stranger,” a hoarse voice said from behind me.
“Christ, Max,” I shrieked, almost dropping the plate I was holding in surprise, “Don’t do that.” Max gave a soft laugh and walked past me to the refrigerator, giving me a quick peck on the cheek as he did so.
“I’m surprised you still have keys to this place,” he joked, scratching the back of his head.
“Yeah, well,” I mumbled, piling some of the steaming food onto a plate and nudging Max with it gently. He looked up at me quickly before noticing the plate, a grin spreading across his face. “You’re brilliant,” he said, taking the plate and sitting beside my paperwork. I served myself some food before sitting across from him. “What’s all this?” Max asked, gesturing to the mountain of folders I’d brought home from work.
“Just a few things I have to finish off,” I told him, getting up and pouring us both a glass of water. He nodded.
“Where have you been, anyway?” he asked around a mouthful of take out. I shrugged.
“At my Mom’s place. Where’s Ronnie?” I replied tying my hair back from my face. Max grunted at the mention of Ronnie’s name.
“You’ve got about as much of an idea as I do,” he said, scowling at his fork.
“Really?” I asked, instantly curious. “What happened to the lockdown approach?”
“Well, I should have known that would never work,” Max said, reaching over to me and stealing a piece of chicken from my plate. “I mean, it’s Ronnie, afterall.” I nodded thoughtfully.
“You don’t think he’s…,” I trailed off, not really wanting to hear the answer.
“I don’t know, Lindsey,” Max snapped, “I don’t really care either.” I ran my tongue over my teeth. I knew Max didn’t mean it. He was probably just angry with Ronnie, and maybe even himself for not being able to stop it. I didn’t ask, but I guessed they’d had another band meeting since I’d left.
“I’m going to go have a shower,” I told Max, putting my plate in the sink once I’d finished eating. I was almost at the door to my room when Max called my name. I turned around to face him, raising an eyebrow.
“I didn’t mean to snap,” he said meekly. I sent a small smile in his direction before opening the door to my room.

It was exactly as I’d left it, I’m not sure if I’d expected it to change. I quickly grabbed a pair of pyjama pants and a shirt that once belonged to Max but I had claimed soon after moving in. When I went back out to the lounge, my hair still damp, Max had already gone to bed. I did the few dishes in the sink and put the rest of the takeout away in the refrigerator before sitting down to my paperwork. The apartment was silent except for the rain that beat against the windows. It was almost three in the morning when I’d finally finished and I fell into bed.

I hadn’t been asleep long when I heard the front door open and close loudly. I thought it might be Max going out for cigarettes when I heard footsteps in the kitchen followed by the sound of the mountain of paperwork I had slaved over all night falling to the ground. I was about to get out of bed to check who it was when my bedroom door opened. I quickly close my eyes, pretending to be asleep, when I felt the bed sink at the edge as someone sat there. I was facing the window and couldn’t see who it was as I heard them slip off their shoes and climb under the sheets next to me. “Ronnie?” I asked, my voice coming out as little more than a whisper. His clothes were cold and damp against my skin as he pressed his body against mine, wrapping his arms lazily around my waist. He smelt strongly of cigarette smoke and something else I couldn’t quite place. “Ronnie?” I repeated, a little louder this time, as he buried his head into my hair.
“Just go back to sleep, Lindsey,” he mumbled and pulled me closer to him. I hadn’t noticed until then but his entire body was shaking.
“Ronnie, what’s wrong?” I asked, turning in his arms to face him. His almond-shaped eyes appeared as black hollows in the dark and his hair, usually so straight and sticking up in odd directions, was now slightly wavy and sat flat against his head. He looked as if he were about to say something, his lips parting to speak and his tongue pressing to the back of his teeth as if beginning to form the first syllable of my name. But, instead, he leant forwards and his lips gently brushed against my own. I inhaled sharply as Ronnie pressed his forehead against mine and placed his hand behind my neck, his thumb running back and forth along my cheek. I quickly ran my tongue across my lips, hoping to catch any trace of him that may have been left there. My mouth filled with the slightest taste of sweet mint and sickly nicotine. “Please don’t make me explain, Lindsey,” he whimpered. He couldn’t keep his hands from shaking as they rested by my face. His damp jeans brushed against my bare legs where the hem of my pyjama pants had risen ever so slightly. A shiver ran throughout my entire body as the cold fabric grazed my skin. I wanted to ask him an endless number of questions but held my tongue. “It was an accident,” he whispered over and over. I turned to lie flat on my back and Ronnie rested his head on my chest, just below my collarbone. He placed a cold hand on my stomach beneath the fabric of Max’s shirt and pressed his lips to the bare skin of my neck in a kiss.

Hours passed and Ronnie’s trembling ceased. I could tell he had fallen asleep by the slow rising and falling of his chest, pressed flush against my side. The exhaustion I had felt before Ronnie came through my door was replaced by angst, and I lay wide-awake. The rain had gotten heavier and I turned my head, but only slightly so as not to wake Ronnie, to watch as it fell against my window. I jumped in surprise as he began to whine lightly in his sleep before I looked back out at the rain, thinking of how badly I wanted to open my window and fall to the ground below, washing away with it.

When I woke after the very few hours sleep I had, I half-expected to be alone in my bed, as if I’d dreamt Ronnie had come through my door and climbed into my bed with me. But as I sat upright, letting the sheet fall around me, Ronnie stirred and grasped me tighter, proving it hadn’t been a dream at all. I slowly climbed from my bed, trying my best not to wake him, and dressed for work. I closed my bedroom door quietly behind me and wandered out to the kitchen. It was only eight o’clock. I still had an hour before I needed to be at the clinic. I boiled some water, pulling a mug from the shelf and setting it on the counter. The rain had eased but only slightly and I clicked my tongue as I noticed the paperwork I had so carefully sorted spread across the floor. I sighed and dropped to my knees, pulling the papers towards me and stacking them neatly on the table. I had finished organizing the papers completely and was almost halfway through my third cup of tea when Max entered the kitchen. “Morning,” he mumbled quietly and slumped down in a chair across from me. It was unusual for Max to be awake so early, but I noticed the dark shadows beneath his eyes and realized he hadn’t slept well either. I shot him a small, sympathetic smile before getting up from the table and grabbing a bowl from the cupboard. I set it on the table in front of him and poured the brightly coloured cereal into it, passing him the milk from the refrigerator. I looked up at the clock and realized I needed to start walking to the clinic or I’d be late for work. I grabbed my jacket from the rack and shrugged into it as I lifted my stack of paperwork from the table. “Have a good day,” Max said and I placed a quick kiss on the top of his head.
“You too,” I replied. I opened the door before turning back to him for a second. “Ronnie’s back,” I said quietly. Max looked up at me, his eyes widening at the mention of Ronnie’s name.
“What?” he asked hurriedly, “Where is he?”
“He’s in my bed,” I answered without really thinking. A wary look crossed Max’s face.
“Lindsey,” he said in a cautious tone.
“Don’t, Max,” I begged. I knew he wanted to say something more but he didn’t and before he had the chance, I was out the door and halfway down the stairs.

It was almost half past five when the clinic finally began to empty. I had been on my feet all day, answering the phone and registering patients when a pair of hands came from behind me and covered my eyes. “Guess who?” a voice whispered in my ear. I gently pulled the hands from my face and turned quickly to see Ashlin beaming back at me. “Ready to go?” he asked.
I held two fingers in front of his face. “Two seconds,” I replied and walked quickly to the backroom to get my things. When I entered the waiting room again, Ashlin was sitting in one of the stiff plastic chairs with his hands buried deeps in his pockets. He got to his feet as soon as he noticed me by the door.

I leant my cheek against the cool glass window as Ashlin drove down the streets of Las Vegas, slick with rain. “Where are we going?” I asked. The radio was on and played softly, the volume turned right down.
“I thought I’d take you to get something for dinner,” he replied, glancing at me from the corner of his eye, “have you eaten yet?” I shook my head, and rested it against the window again as we pulled into the parking lot of a small Italian restaurant. We sat by the window and ordered. Ashlin asked me about my day and chatted animatedly about what he and Evan, who he was currently staying with, had done the night before. I traced my finger around the rim of my glass of diet soda, not paying much attention, my gaze wandering to the street outside. I couldn’t help it as my thoughts began to turn to Ronnie. I hadn’t realized how long I had tuned out for when Ashlin reached across the table for my hand, shaking me from my thoughts. “Are you feeling okay?” he asked, a look of concern on his face. He frowned slightly when I pulled my hand from his.
“I’m fine,” I replied quickly, forcing a smile in his direction. Ashlin didn’t seem convinced but before he had a chance to say anything more the waitress arrived with our food. I tried to focus on what Ashlin was saying as we ate to keep him from getting suspicious but I couldn't help it as my mind began to wander once more.

The car ride back to my apartment was silent and when Ashlin offered to walk me to my door, I refused, kissing him lightly before climbing out of the car without giving him time to protest. I gave a small wave as I watched him pull away from the curb and wondered how it was that I could be sitting at dinner with one man while my mind continued to be plagued with the dark, almond-shaped eyes of another.