Hurtful Words

Ronnie would sneak into my room almost every night after that. I would lay awake and wait for him. Often we would have sex but sometimes, when I heard him coming through my bedroom door, I would close my eyes tight and keep my breathing slow, pretending as if I had been asleep. It was on nights like these that he would wrap his arms around me and hold me close to his chest, running his fingers through my hair until he fell asleep. Outside of that bedroom, anywhere beyond those tangled white sheets, Ronnie and I didn’t exist. It was almost as if nothing had happened. We would sleep together a number of times while Ashlin was away. I would never ask Ronnie why he would come into my room like that in the middle of the night, craving someone’s touch. Even if I had, he wouldn’t ever tell me. He said once that he couldn’t do it to me anymore, that it was too much for him. He went quiet after he said that and never talked about it again. I didn’t understand what he’d meant. But after I thought it over, I realized I didn’t feel the same way as he did. I wanted to, more than anything I wanted to feel as he did, even if just to know what it was like. To want someone as he did, to be as caught up in someone as he was that, sometimes, he couldn’t take it. I wanted to feel what he felt. But what I didn’t realize was that I already did.

I was sitting in the lounge almost three months later when my cell phone rang. I’d had the apartment to myself for four days, but it felt as if I hadn’t seen Ronnie or Max for weeks. I jumped as the phone vibrated along the surface of the coffee table. I reached out for it and answered it without even checking who it was. “Hello?” I said hurriedly,
“Hey, Lindsey. It’s me.”
“Oh,” I replied, “hi.” My stomach dropped as I recognized Ashlin’s voice. He gave a soft, almost sad laugh.
“You’re not still upset with me, are you?” he asked.
“No.” I had tried to convince myself that I didn’t care for Ashlin any longer. That any feelings I had for him before he left for Sacramento hadn’t really been there at all. But speaking with him again, hearing his voice, I realized just how much I’d missed him.
“How have you been?”
“Fine,” I said, sitting up a little straighter and putting the magazine I’d been reading down on the coffee table. “When did you get back?” I asked.
“A couple of hours ago, actually,” he replied, a slight laugh evident in his tone. Neither of us spoke, the only sound that could be heard was that of the traffic passing Ashlin by.
“Where are you?”
“I’m on my way back to Evan’s apartment.” I began to pick at a loose thread on the sofa as the conversation went quiet again. After a few seconds, Ashlin laughed quietly into the phone. I couldn’t help it as a small smile spread across my face at the sound of it.
“What?” I asked.
“Nothing,” he replied, “It’s nothing. I’ve just really missed you, Lindsey.” I bit my lip softly.
“I’ve missed you too.” I didn’t even notice as the front door opened and closed behind me.
“Listen,” Ashlin said, “I’ve got to go. I’m going to dinner with Evan tonight and I’d really like you to come.”
“Sure,” I answered without thinking, “I’d love to.”
“Great,” he replied, and I could almost hear the smile in his voice, “I’ll pick you up at seven.”
“Okay.” I said a quick goodbye and I was about to hang up the phone when he said something that made my heart jump into the back of my throat, as if I wasn’t already feeling guilty enough.
“I’ll see you tonight,” he told me casually, “I love you.” I couldn’t bring myself to say it back. I wanted to but I couldn’t.
“Bye,” I replied quickly and hung up my phone, dropping it on the sofa beside me.
“Who was that?” I jumped in surprise, my shin hitting the edge of the coffee table hard. I yelped in pain and brought my knees to my chest, rubbing my leg up and down where it was throbbing with pain. I turned my head slightly to see Max standing by the door.
“A friend,” I mumbled.
“I didn’t mean to surprise you,” he replied, flopping down on the sofa beside me.
“Don’t worry about it,” I said, checking my shin for the bruise that was quickly forming. “Where have you been, anyway?”
“With Amy.” I nodded as Max reached for the remote and flicked through the channels, not really needing much more of an explanation. I watched television with Max for an hour or so before I got bored and decided to wash the dishes instead. The apartment had been much cleaner over the past month without Ronnie and Max around. I put the dishes away, swept the floors and wiped down the table before I went to have a shower and get ready for dinner with Ashlin and Evan.

It was six o’clock when Max left for Amy’s place again and Ronnie walked through the door soon after. It wouldn’t have surprised me if they had passed each other on the stairs. I looked towards the front door as I heard it open, thinking Max had forgotten something. I was somewhat surprised to see Ronnie burst through the door. His cheeks looked gaunt and dark circles rimmed his almond-shaped eyes. “Hey,” I said quietly. He didn’t even look up at me as I spoke and, instead, he stomped past me to his bedroom, slamming the door behind him. I shook my head and sat on the sofa, waiting for Ashlin.

It was a quarter past seven when Ashlin got to the apartment to pick me up. I couldn’t help but feel nervous as I went to answer the door. When I did, I saw Ashlin leaning against the doorframe in his dark jeans and white v-neck t-shirt. The weather had gotten colder in Vegas with winter weeks away, and he was wearing a long black pea coat.
“Hi,” he breathed.
“Hey,” I replied, leaning in slightly as he went to kiss my cheek.
“Sorry I’m late.”
“It’s fine,” I said, smiling as I noticed the small flecks of blonde in his hair. I couldn’t help but reach out to touch them.
“Oh,” he laughed, reaching his hand up to his hair, “California does that to you.” I nodded, pulling my hand away. “Can I come in?”
“Of course,” I exclaimed and stepped out of the doorway, “Come on in.” He followed me into the apartment, burying his hands in his pockets. “Do you want something to drink?” I asked, looking over my shoulder at him. He shook his head.
“I told Evan we’d meet him at the restaurant at half past,” he said nodding in the direction of the clock. It was a little past seven fifteen.
“Let me just get my coat and we can go,” I replied and walked quickly in the direction of my room. I searched through my wardrobe for the coat I wanted, muttering angrily at myself for forgetting where I’d put it. I finally found it, pulling it on as I went back to the kitchen.
“Where are you going?” I whirled around quickly to see whom the husky voice belonged to, though in the back of my mind I already knew who it was. Ronnie. Ashlin looked in my direction from where he’d taken a seat by the table in the kitchen.
“Out,” I replied simply. I didn’t think I really owed him much more of an explanation than that. I never asked where he was going and even if I did, he wouldn’t tell me. I turned away from him and he grabbed my arm gruffly.
“Out where?”
“Would you let go of me?” I snapped, trying to pull my arm away from him. Ashlin got up from the table.
“Out where?” Ronnie repeated.
“It’s none of your damn business!”
“Hey man,” Ashlin said warily, giving Ronnie a small wave.
“What are you doing here?” he asked. I hadn’t told Ronnie I was seeing Ashlin, but he knew I was seeing someone. I thought Evan might have mentioned it to him, but apparently not.
“I’m taking Lindsey to dinner,” Ashlin replied.
“Yeah? Well, fuck off then.” I glared at Ronnie.
“Listen, Ronnie,” Ashlin said, holding his hands up in surrender, “I don’t want any trouble.” Ronnie let go of my arm and took a step toward Ashlin.
“Don’t ‘Ronnie’ me,” he growled, “I don’t know you.”
“Forget this,” Ashlin muttered, turning away and walking toward the kitchen.
“Hey,” Ronnie barked, gripping Ashlin’s shoulder and pulling him back, “I’m not done talking to you.”
“Ronnie, don’t,” I said and grabbed his forearm lightly, forcing him to let Ashlin go.
“Keep out of it, Lindsey,” Ronnie muttered, shaking me off.
“Come on, this is ridicu-.”
“I said keep out of it!”
“I don’t want any trouble,” Ashlin repeated, taking a step backwards.
“Then get out,” Ronnie replied. His voice was low, but his tone was threatening. Ashlin stepped toward him.
“What’s your problem, man?” he asked standing inches away from Ronnie.
“You’re my problem, ‘man’,” Ronnie replied mockingly.
“Ronnie, stop it,” I warned though I couldn’t be heard over their arguing. It wasn’t until Ronnie clenched his fist, ready to hit Ashlin, that I stepped between them. “Stop it,” I pleaded, pushing the two of them apart slightly. Ronnie was almost radiating with anger.
“Go downstairs, Ashlin,” I told him, “I’ll be there in a second.”
“But I-.”
“Go,” I repeated, pushing his chest lightly. He glared over my head at Ronnie for a moment longer before I pushed him again.
“Fine,” he muttered and sauntered off in the direction of the door.
“Yeah,” Ronnie called after him, “and don’t fucking come back.” Ashlin didn’t reply. He didn’t even turn to look at Ronnie as he left the apartment, slamming the door behind him. I couldn’t tell which annoyed Ronnie more.
“What the hell is your problem?” I asked shoving him hard once Ashlin was gone.
“He’s my fucking problem,” he growled, “Were you going to tell me about this or were you just going to wait until I figured it all out?”
“There’s nothing to tell,” I mumbled, turning back to the kitchen.
“Don’t walk away from me,” he snarled, following closely behind me, “I don’t want him coming back here.”
“What?” I asked in disbelief.
“I don’t want him back here,” he repeated, “I don’t want him in my apartment again.”
“Your apartment?” I scoffed, walking toward the door, “Please, I contribute more to the rent in a month than you have in the entire time you’ve lived here.”
“I mean it, Lindsey!” Ronnie said, “Don’t bring him back here.” My eyes began to burn with hot, angry tears and I stopped abruptly. I paused for a moment before turning back to look at him.
“Stop hurting me because you can’t have me, Ronnie,” I pleaded, my eyes stinging as the tears began to well at their corners. I watched as his lips parted slightly and, what seemed like a hurt expression, spread across his face. I felt a bang of guilt until he took a step toward me, the corners of his mouth curving into a smug smile.
“Because I can’t have you?” he asked incredulously. When he was only an inch from me I stepped back but he soon closed the gap between us. “Because I can’t have you?” I swallowed hard and tried not to look away from him. As soon as I did, he bent his head slightly to meet my gaze once more. “I have you, Lindsey,” he said, his voice low as he moved his face closer to mine, “I’ll always have you.” It took me a second to respond but when I did and reached up and slapped him hard across the face. He winced in pain but didn’t move away from me. I searched his face, his eyes, for something, for anything telling me to leave. But there was nothing. I shook my head and gave a bitter laugh. “You’re such an asshole,” I said sharply and grabbed my bag, leaving the apartment. For a second, I though Ronnie would call after me. I thought he would tell me not to go. But he didn’t. I suppose it was a relief. If he had asked me stay, I don’t think I could have ever left.

My cheeks were hot with anger as I stormed down the stairs to the pavement outside our apartment building. I looked around for Ashlin when I saw him waiting at the corner. When he noticed me he gave me a small wave and motioned for me to hurry up. I smiled and took a deep breath as I began to walk toward him. I was halfway down the footpath when I stopped. “Lindsey?” Ashlin called, “Lindsey, what are you doing?” I looked back up at the apartment building. I could see my bedroom window from the pavement. Without thinking, I dropped my bag to the pavement and walked over to the strip of plants that ran along the front of our building. I stood by its edge, holding my hair out of my face as I searched over it. I heard Ashlin calling my name again but I ignored him as I continued to scan the damp earth. A part of me never wanted to see it again. But another part of me, a smaller part of me, didn’t want to leave until I’d found it. “Lindsey, this is ridiculous,” Ashlin sighed as he came to stand behind me, “we’re going to lose our reservations.” I crouched beside the plant bed and ran my hands over the dirt. It took me a second before my fingertips grazed the smooth, cold metal. I wrapped my hand around it and pulled it out of the dirt, staring at it in disbelief for a second. The silver was tarnished and the chain was stiff, but it was the same pendant. It was hard to believe almost a year had passed since that Christmas night. “Lindsey,” Ashlin groaned, trying to get my attention, “what are you looking for?” I stood up quickly, smoothing my dress down, and picked my bag up of the pavement. “Are you alright?” Ashlin asked, pressing his hand gently to the small of my back. I was so angry with Ronnie that my eyes were stinging with tears but I quickly blinked them away.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I replied distractedly. I shoved the pendant in my purse before Ashlin noticed and grabbed his hand. I forced a smile in his direction. “Come on,” I said, shaking my hair out of my face, “Evan will be waiting.”

When we got to the restaurant, Evan was already sitting at a table toward the front of the restaurant. He waved us over and got up from the table as we approached. “Hey sweetheart,” he greeted giving me a quick kiss on the cheek and taking my coat, hanging it over the back of my chair. I hadn’t realized until then how much I had missed Evan while Ashlin was away. We ordered and Evan poured me a glass of wine while we waited. Ashlin and Evan talked back and forth but I didn’t pay much attention until our food arrived and the conversation turned to Ronnie. “Wait,” Evan laughed, “he was at the apartment when you showed up?”
“It’s not funny,” Ashlin replied, filling my glass again, “If Lindsey hadn’t stepped in I’d probably be wearing a pretty impressive black eye.” I pressed my lips together firmly and looked toward the window as Ashlin and Evan talked about the incident at the apartment further. The rain had picked up and drummed against the window. Outside, figures made blurry by the glass chased cabs and took shelter under large umbrellas.
“Forget it,” Ashlin told Evan, “he’s an asshole, anyway.” I turned my gaze to him.
“You don’t know that,” I said defensively, “he was just looking out for me.”
“Looking out for you?” Ashlin asked in disbelief, “Lindsey, he thinks he owns you.”
“No,” I replied, “No, he doesn’t.”
“Oh, please. Are you really going to defend him?” Ashlin laughed. I glared at him over my wine glass.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” I muttered angrily.
“He’s a junkie, Lindsey,” he growled, frustrated with me for defending him, “You really think he cares more about you than he does the drugs?” I must’ve looked taken aback because Ashlin reached for my hand. “I didn’t mean it like that,” he sighed and I shook my hand from his grasp.
“Then how did you mean it?” I snapped, and lifted my coat from where it hung on the back of my chair.
“Lindsey,” he groaned, “Lindsey, don’t go.”
“Thanks for dinner, Evan,” I said curtly as I got up from the table, “It was lovely.”
“Anytime,” he mumbled. I stormed out of the restaurant and down the footpath not caring that the heavy rain was soaking me through.
“Lindsey!” Ashlin called. I stopped, taking a deep breath. I didn’t want to turn around, but I did, wiping at the water droplet forming at the end of my nose. “What?” I called back. Ashlin shrugged his shoulders before dropping his arms to his side. I tilted my head to one side, giving him a questioning look and he answered me.
“I could be so much better for you than him.” I shook my head and crossed the street. Ashlin continued to call for me but I wasn’t listening, letting his voice wash away with the rain.

I wandered the dark, winding streets of Vegas for hours until I arrived at the door to my apartment building. I blinked up at it, surprised that I had been able to find it, before I went inside. It wasn’t until I was on the stairs, three flights up, that I realized I was crying. I wiped my cheeks free of tears as I struggled to unlock the door. The couple that shared the apartment above ours were arguing again and their shouting echoed throughout the corridors and down the stairs. I finally unlocked the door and swung it open, trudging inside. I closed the door behind me and stood only a couple of feet in front of it in somewhat of a daze. Ronnie sat up on the sofa quickly as he heard me come in. I hadn’t expected him to be home but I realize now that he had been waiting up for me. That a part of him knew I’d come back to him, wherever I went. He looked as if he were about to pass another snide comment when he sat a little straighter and noticed the look on my face. “Lindsey?” he asked, getting up off the couch, “What’s wrong?” I shook my head, unable to speak. “You’re soaked!” Ronnie exclaimed, and helped me out of my coat, heavy with the rain it had absorbed, “Where have you been?” I stared blankly ahead of me while he hung my coat on the rack by the door, leaving it to dry. “Lindsey,” Ronnie repeated and he reached his hand out. It brushed against my arm and he pulled it away, leaving a ghost of his touch on my skin. The warmth of his hand awakened me and I blinked hard trying to clear my bleary sight. “I’m sorry,” I said quietly, “I’m so sorry.” He bent down slightly, so he was closer to me in height, and looked my face over carefully. His almond-shaped eyes were confused and rimmed with that same smudged black they always were. “For what, Linds?” he asked, his lips curving into a small smile as he pushed my damp hair out of my eyes. I shook my head again. He sighed and stood up straight. “Come on,” he said, “let’s get you out of those wet clothes.” I nodded numbly, sniffing as my tears slowed, and put my arms above my head. Ronnie gave me a lopsided smile before reaching for the hem of my dress and tugging it gently, pulling it up over my head. I clumsily pulled off my shoes and looked up at Ronnie again. He was holding my dress in his hands, running his thumbs over the stitching, looking at it with a concentrated expression plastered across his face. I don’t know why I did what I did. I shouldn’t have, I knew that much. I should have just left while I still could have, I should have walked away. But I didn’t. Instead, I leant forward and pressed my lips to his, but only for a second before I pulled away. When I looked at Ronnie again, his eyes were wide as if he were surprised. “Why did you do that?” he asked, his voice hoarse. I shrugged and Ronnie shook his head. “Listen, Lindsey,” he said, still clutching my dress, “you, uh, y-you shouldn’t get mixed up with me. You shouldn’t…I’m a bad guy, Linds. I’ll…I’ll just get you in trouble.” He stumbled over his words, rubbing the back of his neck. I bit down on my lip gently before I stood on my tiptoes and kissed him again. When I pulled away, Ronnie had his eyes half closed, his brow furrowed. “I like the trouble,” I said quietly, taking my dress from him and throwing it over the sofa. He opened his eyes and peered over at me, his expression concerned. “I like the trouble,” I assured him, nodding slowly.

Those words, they set something off inside of him and soon Ronnie was leading me to his bedroom. His clothes were soon on the floor with my underwear and I was lying on his bed. My skin was cold and soft from being wet as it pressed against his chest and a shiver ran down my spine. I smiled as Ronnie placed soft kisses along my stomach. “Lindsey,” he mumbled against my skin as he pressed his lips to my neck. “Lindsey, I don’t think we shoul-,” he tried to say but I cut him off.
“Don’t say it,” I pleaded and closed my eyes, “Please don’t say it.” Ronnie hesitated for a moment. I lay still in the quiet darkness of his room, waiting. I was about to get up off his bed and leave that room when he stopped me.
“Okay,” he said, touching my cheek gently before running his hand down my chest slowly. And before I knew it, Ronnie Radke had me once more.

Afterwards, we lay beside each other in his bed. I held the sheets close to my chest as Ronnie held me against him. I liked that, the feeling of him next to me, his chest pressed so close I could feel as his breathing slowed and he fell asleep. And after he was asleep, I climbed out of his bed and searched for my underwear on his bedroom floor. I pulled an old t-shirt of his over my head and carefully opened the door to his room, creeping out into the lounge, closing the door softly behind me. My breath caught in my throat as I turned around and saw Max sitting on the edge of the sofa. I stared at him a moment, as if I’d dreamt him sitting there. Even in the dark I could tell he was glaring at me. He didn’t move, he didn’t even say anything as I walked along the corridor past him. When I reached my bedroom door, I stopped and turned back to him. “I’m so sorry, Max,” I whispered before opening the door to my room and climbing into my bed. I felt sick with guilt, as I lay awake and stared out of the window beside my bed. The sky was an inky black and the smudgy grey clouds streaked across the moon choked the stars out. I frowned to myself but no matter how hard I willed them to, the stars wouldn’t show.