Call Me Crazy

I stared out of my window at the suburban street. It seemed as if everything had been pulled out from under me, and I was left all alone, nothing more than a small raft to keep my troubled thoughts afloat. Adam served as that raft. He was my only hope at the moment, and even then I wasn’t so sure. I do not like him calling me “Baby” all the time. I’m confused as to why Ben is so bent over me dating Adam, and why all my friends had to leave me.

Fiddling with the hem of my shirt, I thought some more. I shouldn’t be so focused on Adam, I guess, I should go back to my friends. But another part of me was screaming that they should understand and not make me chose between my boyfriend and them. I checked my phone: Adam hadn’t called yet. Damn.

“Nikki!” My sister called, though it was more of a shriek, “Dinner time!”

“I’m not hungry” I lied, shouting back. There was no other response. Figures, Carolina never cares.

More than anything, I wanted someone to talk to. Adam was off somewhere and I didn’t feel like I could call Ashleigh again. I wanted to be able to tell someone my thoughts, my fears; I don’t like being alone. I do not do well in solitude. I began to think of my old friends from Wisconsin: Michelle and Katherine and Joey. What were they doing right now? Was Joey clean? Did Michelle’s grades get better? And what about Katherine? Did the stalker guy leave her alone? Did any of them think of me or wonder how I’m doing? It’s been months since we’ve last talked; this is just proof of how hard it is for me to keep in touch with anyone.

And Mackenzie. She hates me; it’s blatantly obvious by the way she glares at me and shoves into me in the hallways. She’s backed off of Adam though and moved on to some typical faceless guy. I pity her. She’s never had the friendship I’ve had for she’s just has a dictatorship. A ruler, a desperate cause, only wanting to be desired and envied.

I stepped quietly over to my bed and flopped down upon it, staring up at the ceiling. I missed my friends so much. I wanted them right here, right now. No barriers. I wanted to have Alexis back to gossip with, for Kevin to be goofy, and for John to roll his eyes at me. I want Ben here. I want to be able to stare into his ever-changing eyes and ponder over what color to call them. I want to laugh. I want to be free. I want things back like they were. The way they were before Adam, and Mackenzie, and Homecoming. I want my life back.

My eyes remained fixed on the ceiling above me. The blades of the fan turned at a painfully slow speed. I counted. It took ten seconds for the fan to make one full rotation.

One for the friends I’ve left.

Two for the new friends I had made.

Three for homecoming night.

Four for Mackenzie hating my guts.

Five for my new friends deserting me.

Six for hurting Ben.

Seven for dating Adam.

Eight for Kevin leaving me.

Nine for having no one left.

And ten. Ten: a strong number. Ten. Everything will come full circle.

And without further hesitation, I picked up my phone.