Counting Your Face Among the Living

Mikey's POV

I ignored Gerard as I looked at my lanky arms to see patches of white. They covered all the cuts that i had scared my arms with. I looked in the glass that was between the door to see a massive bruise and redness on my face. I knew where this all happened, and I knew that it had all been my fault. I couldn't blame Frankie anymore. I knew that my "dream" Frankie was right. The real Frankie couldn't control what he was saying, it was me.

I don't know why I have made his say it. I guess I thought it was really him, and went through with it. The words that he had said in my dream rang throughout my head. The last things he had said to me were the first things to come into my damaged mind. I didn't want to feel this way, I felt bad for putting such mean words in his mouth. Were the hell would I have come up with words like that? I can barley write a poem, much less speak such evil words.

I looked over at Gerard pleading eyes. They were watered, and they had black circles rimming the skin under his eyes. It made me hateful towards myself for putting him through this. Maybe that's why I made Frankie say those words. Maybe I did hate my self enough to attempt to commit suicide. Maybe I was that selfish to go out the easy way. Maybe I was.

"Mikes?" Gerard questioned as he let a little small smile form at his lips.

"Y.Yeah?" I questioned back towards him as I dangled my head down.

"Why did." He let a sigh out and spoke again. "Why did you do this?" He said as the smile on his face vanished as if it had never existed on his face.

"I don't know Gee. I don't know." I lied. I couldn't tell Gerard without him finding out everything that's happened for these last few weeks of my life.

"Was it. Was it about Frankie?" He asked. I think he knew everything the moment it had happened. I think he knew everything so deeply that the more I lied the more he would know about what really happened.

"No." I stated flatly. I didn't want anyone to know. I was done. I was done with everything. No more Frankie, no more Gee, I did want it to end. Right now I wish I had succeeded in the suicide. No matter how selfish the act of suicide is, I wanted it to happen.

"Mikey, I know you're lying. Frank told me everything before he moved with his parents earlier this morning. Thats were I was when you did this. He told me not to tell you. He also told me to give you this." My mouth was hung open and my mouth was getting dryer by the second. He handed me an envelope. It had Mikey on the front with a sloppy heart written next to it. The heart was in blue ink.

"He. He. He moved?" I questioned as a tear streamed down my face.

"Yeah Mikey, I would have told you, but he made me promise not to. He doesn't know anything about what happened, nor does anyone else. Mom and dad think you got beat up my "Gang Bangers"" He said as he put air parentheses when he stated Gang Bangers. Why the hell would they think that? Do they know I was found in the Bathtub? Yeah, Gang bangers did that, brought me to my own home, and placed me in the bathtub. The whole idea made me laugh a silent laugh as Gerard turned towards the opening door to reveal Ray and Matt.

"Hey Mikey." They said in unison as they walked in and sat on the bed next to my covered feet.

"Hi." I felt ashamed of what I had done. The thought of wanting to succeed had passed through my head already, and the guilt was building up on my halfway gone conscience.

"Come on guys, lets go get some coffee. I think Mikey wants to be alone right now. Want anything Mikey?" Gerard asked as he pushed the other two out the door. I just said a simple "no'" before they left. When they went out the white door I opened the envelope.

Mikey,

I know there are a few things that need to be sorted out severely. Though I can't say this in person, I guess by now Gee has given you the note already. This note won't cover hardly anything that's happened these past few weeks. I know it wont cover even a percent of questions you probably are dying to ask, but I want to tell you a few things that are really hurting me, and obviously you to.

I suppose by now Gee also told you about me moving away. The thing is I didn't want him to tell you because Mikes, I wanted to be with you as long as possible without having to worry you about me moving. You were my best friend Mikey, no one could ever take your place. The thing is I haven't a clue why we are moving. There is an idea, but I don't think we'd move because of it.

Look, the day before I came to your house I told my mother something. It was something important that I wanted to tell my mother before I told you. I had to see what she would say to even begin to think about what you would think about it. I tried to keep as quiet as I could, not knowing my dad was in the room next to us. I thought he was at work. When I told him, he got mad. You can probably figure out the rest. Can't you?

If you want to know what I told my mother than I'll tell you. It's something I've wanted to tell you since, about three years ago. It's something that's been eating at me for all those years, and I've never told anyone else other than my mother...And obviously my father as well. I told my mother that I was gay, and the fact of the matter is that I'm in love with you.

Frankie,

Tears were staining my sheets. I wasn't just crying, I was balling. My glasses were fogged with my breath because by now my nose was clogged. Everything was coming to me now. Everything had happened, and I thought it was my fault. Everything was wrong about this, I had done things to my self because I thought he hated me. Now I'll probably be on suicide watch and never hear from Frankie again. That tore my heart into shreds as the sheets were being stained with more tears. I tried the cover my face when I heard the door to my room open and close.