Suffer All The Children

Mikey lay in his bed well into the morning, watching the ceiling. He'd been told to stay, but his room was hot from the light finally pouring in from his window and his blanket made his body too warm. He shifted in it and blinked over to the door, Gerard had said he would come. Maybe he was just seeing if Mikey would be good enough to wait for him. The boy sighed and moved his eyes to the ceiling. He would be good for him. He would be so good for him that Gerard would have no choice but to be nice to him and to not make him do things that made him feel sick or hit him anymore, and he would have no choice but to fix his scalp. He scrunched his eyes closed as he thought of his head. He moved his hand up to take off the hat Gerard had made him wear, but brought it back down quickly; Gerard told him not to touch it. He sighed and pulled his blanket tighter around himself. Where was Gerard?

Mikey closed his eyes and turned to his side. He made a swallowing motion in his throat to help it become less dry. His whole mouth tasted salty, from the liquid he figured- that liquid... or paste... it almost seemed like a paste... he still felt like he could feel it stick to the lining of his throat... what a strange liquid. He let out a deep breath, recalling the events from the night before for the umpteenth time. Of all the things you could call him; Mikey Way was not a stupid person.

At Belleville Middle School, the students were required in the sixth grade to go to sexual education. The boys went in one room, and the girls went in another and the boys had all learned about the dreams they might have. They were told, in the morning, they might wake up feeling ask if they'd wet their beds; they wouldn't though, it would be something other than urine soiling their sheets. The liquid would be thick and almost creamy looking. The liquid would be sticky and salty. The liquid wouldn't be the only thing odd; their penis might get hard and if they racked their brain on the dreams they had that night, they might be scenes not appropriate for a child their age.

Mikey thought on the feelings he felt the night before and the noises Gerard had made. He swallowed, his throat was so dry… the liquid… no—he sighed deep, closing his eyes—the sperm… semen… the cum… it was so salty. He needed water so badly, but he had to wait for Gerard…
Gerard… what was he?

In sexual education, they'd only spoken of sexual intercourse. That was between a man and a women though (at least from what Mikey remembered it was), and it was only after marriage. You would still have the dreams on occasion, but you could also make the liquid come out and it would make a baby… that was what it was for… but what happened last night didn’t seem anything like that. Mikey sighed, closing his eyes, where was Gerard?

Gay. That was when two guys like each other and did things that weren't good with each other. Was that what Mikey was? He'd had intercourse with Gerard… would that make him gay? Of course not. Mikey hadn't done anything with Gerard that was bad… it made Gerard happy… it made the storm stop… it made the lights turn back on; but it had also caused his head to throb and for his throat to become dry. Maybe that was it. He made Gerard happy, that was the love part, but he got hurt after it happened. That was being gay, wasn't it? That had to be it… but Gerard had a girlfriend… that wasn't gay. Mikey didn't have a girlfriend; he had Gerard; was he gay? Oh god, his throat stung. He shivered and pulled the blankets up around him as tight as he could. Oh god, where was Gerard?

The boy lay in bed for hours on end turning thoughts over in his mind on the matter. Each way he looked at things confused him more and more. Mikey thrashed in his bed, hardly finding the strength to help whimpering. His body wrenched from side to side and he shivered, tears leaking from his eyes. He would have to stop. His hat would fall off and Gerard would become angry—but Gerard wouldn't come back anyway, where was Gerard?

Mikey's body grew hot and damp and his breaths were strained and moved painfully in and out of his chest. He moved his hands to each side of his head, gripping the knit of the cap and pulling it hard onto his head. He wouldn't let it fall off. That would be terrible, but he knew it would with his body wrenching the way it was and his chest heaving how it did. His throat screamed for hydration and his lungs for air and his body for Gerard.

Gerard, god was he safe and warm and his hands touched him and he wanted him. He wanted him. He made Mikey feel like he did things right and he never did things right. He told him what to do and he rewarded him and did things good for him and said his name nice and soft. His video games never did things nice for him and his video games never said his name at all, let alone soft. His video games weren't as good as Gerard. Gerard, Gerard. For god's sake where the hell was Gerard? He wrenched and cried and whimpered and gasped, and groaned for Gerard to come. His body shook and his neck tilted back, and his fingers curled around the beanie in an attempt to rip it. He pulled it down until his head stung as did his lungs. He wanted to scream and growl and yell and kick the walls in of his room, or kill someone and strangle them until their chest stung as much as his throat did.

He wrenched on his bed, pulling the cap down far on his head as far as it could go. This was it. This was the end. Gerard wouldn't come and he would explode from the imploding pain.

But like the night before, the pressure would build and build and it would seem unbearable, but finally it would be too much and it would abruptly stop and leave Mikey panting starring up at the ceiling; a telephone rang and Mikey took a deep breath in. The boy lay still and closed his eyes; a soft beep came from Gerard's room.

"Mmmm…" he heard his brother let out a deep yawn and there was a slight scratching on the wall as he turned to his side, "Hello?"

Mikey felt warm in his blankets instead of hot. That voice was safe. He moved closer to the wall to listen in on the conversation Gerard was having. Now that Gerard was up, it would be no time until he was in Mikey's room with him. He couldn't wait for how perfect it would be. He placed his hand on the wall and rested his forehead against the cream white paint. It was smooth and cool to the touch and Gerard would be coming just as soon as he got off that phone.

"M…" Mikey listened from across the wall, blinking his eyes open, listening to his brother, "I know… it was the storm, babe. I'm so sorry."

Babe? Who was he calling "babe"? Wasn't Mikey the one he'd just called "baby" the night before?

"The power went out, what was I supposed to do? Run to your house to finish the job?"

Gerard was unhappy. That wasn't good.

"You're acting like a typical bitch, dude…"

That girl that Gerard had been hanging around—she giggled too much and was always making things about her. She certainly wasn't good.

"I didn't need your bitch ass to help me finish it off last night anyway. Just quit bitching about it."

He had Mikey to help. Why wouldn't he tell her? God he hadn't done it right… he couldn't have. Next time he'd do it so it was worth mentioning…

"Sal, you're being ridiculous…"

Gerard's voice was angry and he raised it; Mikey hear him growl slightly under his breath.

"Come on now, Sal, this is bull…"

Mikey pressed his ear close to the wall. He could hear a few high pitched, but very soft whimpers; the girl was crying?

"You know what? I can't do this." Mikey heard Gerard shift on the wall; was he coming soon? "I've got other shit to deal with. You're fucking ridiculous." He pulled his head from the wall quickly, the girl nearly screamed. It was a terrible sound.

"I'll call you if I feel like it, babe. Thanks for the start last night."

Mikey plugged his ears to block the crying and squeezed his eyes closed tight. That sound was too much.

The boy rocked slowly back and forth in his bed, his breathing elevated. It was starting again. That girl needed Gerard too… what if there wouldn't be enough? But he was so mean to her… she must not have done things right. She would surely have to be replaced, wouldn't she? He breathed in deep and whimpered slightly, then he was held in place and couldn't move, a pressure tightened on his shoulder. His eyes snapped open as his hat was thrust off and his hair was pulled back. He lay starring wide eyed at the ceiling.

"Mikey, fucking cool it!"

The boy lay paralyzed and let his hands move to his sides. His shoulder stopped hurting and his hair was released. He did good. He felt a pressure on the corner of his bed and he slowly blinked over in the direction of it. In a matter of seconds he sprang up and took in a deep, excited breath, a wide grin on his face. He hugged his knees into his chest, delighted, “Gerard!"

"Yeah." Mikey's brother moved him so that he was against the wall got to his knees, sitting over him. He placed a finger on the top of his head and pressed downward, sighing deeply. "Look down, Mikey."

The boy nodded and sat in silence where Gerard had placed him, linking his fingers together nervously He let out a deep breath and closes his eyes, leaning slightly toward Gerard. The morning after is always awkward, isn't it?

"Fuck…" his brother sighed, but he had not told him to look up, so he focused his head downward, blinking as his brother left the bed. "We're going to have to keep that covered…" he cringed as he felt the cap placed back on his head, but didn't make a sound. Generally sounds made Gerard angry, he'd learned. He let Gerard tilt his chin back up and looked forward and made contact with Gerard's eyes as he wanted. "You're going to go get dressed Mikey. I'm going to take you shopping."

Mikey's brow furrowed. He blinked up at his brother, tilting his head slightly to the side, "Shopping?"

"Yes Mikey, shopping." A hard hand gripped his arm and pulled him up, "Didn't I say that clearly the first time?"

Mikey simply nodded and blinked up at him. "Yes, you did. I was just—"

He must have been doing bad things, because Gerard didn't want to hear the rest of it. He was pulled onto his feet and pushed toward his dresser. He looked back at Gerard who sat crossed legged on his bed, watching him, "Go on. I said get dressed."

"But you're—"

"Actually," Gerard watched Mikey, his eyes appraising the boy's body, "take your clothes off, baby. Do it slow, and then come sit on my lap. We'll see where it goes from there."

"Oh…" Mikey nodded and brought his hands down to the rim of his shirt, starting to pull it up to remove it.

"Mikey." The boy stopped and turned to Gerard for direction. He watched his brother point to his left. "Turn this way and do it, and stand in front of that mirror."

"Oh… yes…" Mikey moved to where Gerard had instructed and slowly pulled his shirt up over his head. His eyes flickered up to Gerard's; he was so deep into watching him. Mikey's hands moved slowly to his waist and he pushed his Sonic the Hedgehog pajama pants down, shivering though his room was pretty warm still. He saw Gerard bite his lip as the pants dropped.

Mikey stood clad in a pair of child's Batman underwear, shivering slightly; his hands hovered nervously on the hems of them. He looked up to Gerard's eyes; his brother met his gaze, irritated, and he nodded downward, "Take them off." The boy nodded slowly and did so, letting them drop to his ankles.

He stood and watched Gerard bite his lip. Mikey could see his eyes move down his body and he moved back toward the mirror. His eyes stung and his cheeks were becoming warm. He wasn't sure why he felt like crying; Gerard must have really thought he was being good with all the looks he gave him.

"Mm…" Mikey closed his eyes as he stood there, his fingers wrapped around the cool sides of the mirror; Gerard suddenly didn't feel so safe. "Mikey." His forced his eyes to blink open, Gerard didn't look angry; in fact, he has a slight smile to his complexion. "Come on now, babe." He patted his lap for Mikey to sit, watching him, calm and patient. "Come sit now. It's okay. You be good now, sugar."

Mikey nodded and moved forward slowly, he took a deep breath in and walked toward Gerard. Trying to refrain from shaking.

"Good boy."

Mikey smiled a tiny bit and sat himself on Gerard's lap, his legs on one side of Gerard's, wrapping his arms around his neck, "Like this?" he asked quietly, his eyes on the ground.

Gerard nodded and tilted his brother's chin up. He smirked a bit and nodded, then pressed his lips to Mikey's moving a hand to one side of his face. He parted his lips, then used his fingers to part Mikey's, groaning a bit as his other hand moved down the boy's body. "Don't fight it." Mikey whimpered as he felt up his body. A tear fell down his cheek and he buried his face in Gerard's shoulder to hide it, "you know there's no one who will ever love you as much as I do."

The same was said when he pressed a new hat on his head at the mall later that day, "You don't want to be bad."

And a year later when Gerard got his license and Mikey sat in the passenger seat daily as he went wherever he may have needed, "Just stay there until I get back." But what if—Gerard handed him a book, slamming the door after he pulled back from it, "I won't be long. Be a good boy for me." When he mentioned his video games to Gerard, he got a special surprise: Gerard had bought him a bookcase.

"Well don't you like it, sugar?"

Mikey of course nodded and thanked him, pecking him on the lips.

Later that night they took his Sega to the Salvation Army.

When Mikey was old enough, they got a job together; Barnes and Noble. "Because," Gerard said, "we'll get a great discount for your books."

It was at that book store where Mikey found a book that Gerard would savor, a book that would help him in more ways than one.

Ecstasy: Three Tales of Chemical Romance

"Mikey, babe." Gerard had insisted they get an apartment away from their parents when Mikey turned eighteen; he couldn't hide his antics from their parents forever. On their first night alone together, Gerard pulled Mikey close, running his nose across his neck, biting his skin gently between his teeth, "I've got something for you to try."

His throat had stung and felt dry since the first night Gerard had had him, and the pills made it much worse. The chemical romances didn't stop there. Oxycotin made his head sting less. The cocaine let him stay wide awake to do Gerard's bidding and the little blue pills of Ambien made him sleep when his body ached from the bruises and burns that came with the job.

He woke up each morning to a cup of coffee from Gerard and his schedule for the day; Gerard kept track of his hours and allowed him what he was able to do.

One particular morning, Mikey recalled, the orders were quite odd. A bass guitar was thrust into his lap as he lay in bed and he blinked up at his brother, confused.

"You'll play this..." he said.

Mikey simply nodded, placing it aside and sipping his coffee, "Yes, sir."

Within the week he was taken to an apartment in the city and sat on a couch. He was told to play a few notes on the guitar Gerard had given him and he thumbed through them sloppily, his eyes cast down as to not do the wrong thing.

An unfamiliar voice made him shiver and shrink back, offended, "We could always find someone who's been playing for a while and then switch him—"

But Gerard cut him off, "Mikey'll work on it. Don't worry. All we need now's a name you know…"
It was growing past his bedtime and Mikey sighed, his eyes blinking shut a few times; would Gerard be mad if he fell asleep there? He stifled a small yawn and looked up to Gerard. He would have to give him more of the little orange pills that kept him awake and gave his body an uncontrollable buzz if they were to have sex when they got home, "My Chemical Romance?"

His eyes locked with Gerard's and he nodded. He mouthed the words, "We'll get to it later."

But the others were in an uproar. Their voices were loud and Mikey felt one of them embrace him, he shivered and squeezed his eyes closed, but the name stuck and Gerard took him out of the apartment more and too him to practices and was nice to him and let him lay his head on his shoulder when they drove their van to shows.

His life may have sounded tragic, but Mikey couldn't really complain. As long as he got to lay on Gerard's shoulder he would be happy. After all, Gerard had said it himself; 'there would be no one who would love him as much as Gerard did', and it was the truth; he'd never known a person more loved and protected than himself.