Suffer All The Children

The shows were loud; rowdy; rough. Mikey squeezed his eyes closed at the noise at first. They had the amps up so loud… the noise of the bands before him made his ears hurt and his head throb to the drums and bass line. The noise was like the thunderstorms; it was scary. At first he looked to Gerard to come fix it, like he did before, but he was busy with other people. Sometimes he'd just be talking, and he would push Mikey away, or tell him to go get him something, or sometimes he was setting things up and told Mikey to go wait in the van because he was being bad and disturbing him. Sometimes Mikey couldn't find Gerard; that was the worst part of it, because he didn't know where to go.

He looked at the other people in the band when he couldn't find Gerard. He was supposed to be friends with them, Gerard said so, but they were scary and said weird things and Mikey couldn't understand them sometimes… their words were okay, they always were audible and used clear diction, but Mikey didn't know what a lot of them meant, Gerard hadn't told him, and they were confusing and seemed strange. They always laughed about things that Mikey didn't understand and none of them smiled nicely at him. Gerard acted differently when he was around them, and Mikey didn't like it. They stole Gerard a lot, and it wasn't fair. If Gerard hadn't said that the band was good, Mikey would not have thought it at all.

The first show was the most confusing, because nobody told him what to do. Gerard just gave him his bass and told him to set it up, but he didn't say where. Mikey's eyes wandered around the tangles of wires and cords… nobody told him where to go. People always told him where to go.

The drummer (Matt, Gerard had said) had it pretty easy, Mikey figured. He had to move his set behind the amps, and behind everyone, a few people even helped him move usually… he'd been in a band before. He was really good with moving everything and knowing things about music and all. He knew notes and things, and from a thing you just hit with two little sticks… Mikey just knew sounds, from little notes he plucked on strings. He looked down at his bass then to the drums. The drums were weird, because they could make a lot of different sounds, but there were only a few of them… and the bass guitar had a lot of different strings… well… no… only a lot of places to hold the strings… but it could make different sounds and all from the places you held it. Maybe it was the same with how you hit drums… in all the places and everything.

The weird guitarist showed him how to find out the sounds at first. He was kind of mean though... he said he wanted a different person. Gerard knew him before the other guys. His name was Ray. Mikey had seen him before, but they hadn't talked a lot… he never said much to him, but after a while of playing in their own room, and after Mikey finished messing up, Ray smiled at him, and Mikey knew he did good, Ray told Gerard that he had, and he was happy. He liked Ray for telling that to Gerard, it was good.

He'd helped a lot before, with the strings and everything, and told Mikey that he could ask him for help when he needed it, but he looked so busy with his own things that Mikey knew he would hit or yell at him if he asked, so he looked back down to his bass and plucked the strings a little, the noise sure did hurt his ears a lot. It would be better if he were back home. Gerard would have helped him if they were home. He never helped him the same when they weren't at home. He didn't love him the same, because Mikey wasn't good probably when they were out, but he had him at home, and that was really all that mattered.

At home Gerard wanted him though. He felt him and touched him and loved him a lot. He would tell him he was his good boy and pet his hair. Gerard would let him lay his head on his chest and he would pull him all close and warm…. Sometimes he would lie on Mikey's back and pin him down while he slept, after sex when he was too tired to pull out, or he'd handcuff Mikey to the bed so he couldn't leave, so Mikey knew he was supposed to stay. It was so safe and warm… it felt so secure. It was perfect, but only when Mikey was good.

He squeezed his eyes shut tighter. The noise hurt a lot. His ears stung. It was like being bad. It was scary. He must not have been being good, because the noise sure did hurt.

At home when he wasn't good, Gerard would yell. Sometimes he didn't know he was being bad, Gerard would just say so. Sometimes Gerard would come home from work and just know Mikey was being bad the very second he walked in. He would come over when Mikey was playing with his bass or reading a book and he would pull his beanie off and grip his hair, tilting his head back so he would have to look at him. Usually he'd tell him to put down whatever he was holding, then make him get up. He liked to pull his hair out when he was bad, or sometimes hit him, or punch him; if he was really angry, he'd choke him, but he'd only gotten that angry a few times, no more than 9, Mikey figured, so it was okay.

He never told him what he did that was bad. Mostly he just helped him make up for being bad, which was more than okay in Mikey's point of view. As long as he got back into good standing with Gerard, it didn’t really matter.

The music felt like the hitting on his ears and he didn't like it at all. Gerard hadn't come to make him stop being bad, it would have been better than the music doing it. He backed up against the wall, like he was being hit, and clung to his bass. If he let it hit him, it would stop, and it would be okay again and it wouldn't be scary.

"Hey… kid… um… Mikey…" the music was still going, and it was still loud, he could feel warm breath against his ear and a hand on his arm, the words vibrated inside like the music, but they didn’t hurt like it. "Mikey come on… we're almost up…"

The boy shook his head, clinging to his bass, "It's so loud…"

"Loud?"

He nodded, pressing back against the wall more, "God it never stops…"

"Yeah… it gets like that… come here… I'll help." There was a pressure on his guitar pulling away from him, Mikey let his fingers release it. He then let a hand replace where he'd been holding the base of his instrument. "Follow me," the words were softer against his ear, and he nodded, following where the pressure told him. He blinked his eyes open so he wouldn't trip, but the loud drums made his eyes blink to the beat, so it was hard to stay watching. He looked down at his hand between the pulses airwaves, his eyes squeezing shut every few seconds, "Keep 'em shut, babe. It'll hurt less." the voice called again, above the music. He looked up a little to its owner's face: Frank. He played guitar too… but when he played, he liked to run around and do weird things like stand on amps or dance around. Sometimes he'd lie on the ground and do strange things. He was considerably shorter than the rest of the band members and had these horrible brown dreadlocks in his hair. Mikey hadn’t actually spoken to him before now, but he seemed funny and personable when he spoke to the other bandmates and now his hand felt safe, so Mikey nodded and closed his eyes, letting Frank lead him wherever he wanted to go.

They walked for a few more steps, then Frank stopped, there was a displacement of air and he let go of Mikey's hand. The boy eyes blinked open and he saw Frank holding the door open. Mikey stepped out of the door a few feet; it was much quieter outside. It was good. He let out a deep breath and Frank closed the door, then smiled up at him, moved forward again to take his hand and led him to the steps a few feet away. "Come on," he instructed, "sit down with me…" Mikey obeyed and let the guitarist pull him down next to him. Once down, he released his hand and Mikey closed his eyes again, breathing deep.

"You okay?" Frank asked.

Mikey nodded and let his eyes flutter open to watch him. He had these big eyes that were so fun to watch because they looked all around and searched places on his face. They wanted to know a lot of things. It was strange, but it was good, and he had a warm smile. He was definitely safe, Mikey decided. "Are things always so scary in there?"

Frank’s brow was furrowed as he studied Mikey, who watched as Frank's eyes search around him and couldn't help but blush a little. No one ever looked that much. Finally, Frank nodded and smiled, then shrugged his shoulders, "It’s pretty loud, yeah, but you get used to it… I keep forgetting it's your first show. Are you nervous at all?"

"I don't know,” sighed Mikey. He pulled his knees to his chest, resting his feet on the step below him, "I don't think I am. I think I'd be okay if there weren't so much noise…"

"Yeah…" He could feel Frank watching him, he never kept his eyes to himself… Gerard would be upset if he saw probably, "have you considered earplugs?"

Mikey's gaze moved over to his, his brow furrowed, "Earplugs?"

"Mhm!" Frank moved his hands, sticking his pointer fingers out then inserted the tips into the openings of each of his ears. Mikey giggled and watched him as he kept speaking, "Plug out all the noise… well… most of it… but it's good cause you can still hear yourself play but it's not so loud and you won't go deaf and it doesn't hurt."

Mikey watched him, smiling as he took his fingers out of his ears, then shrugged his shoulders, "I don't know. Gerard never told me about them… they sound good though… do you think Gerard has some?"

He must have said something wrong, because Frank's eyebrow furrowed again and he gave him an odd look, "Gerard? Why does it matter if he does?"

"I don't know." Mikey shifted himself on the steps, turning a bit toward Frank to make conversation more comfortable. It was weird to find someone who actually liked to talk to him, and he hadn't had much experience at it; Gerard didn't like when he spoke to people too much, "He usually gives me stuff if I need it… he usually makes it so noises like that stop, you know? He's good at it when it's just me and him… He doesn't like me when we go out I don't think."

Frank was quiet for a few moments. Mikey moved his eyes to the ground, but he could still feel the weird look Frank was surveying him with. He would probably yell and hit him and tell him not to be stupid. He shouldn't have expected Gerard to get him earplugs; he was probably being bad anyway. What a stupid thing to expect. Gerard didn't have time for that and he just didn't care about him when he was out.

"Mikey…" he jumped as Frank's hand moved up, surely to strike him, "Whoa, Mikey, what's wrong?" He moved his hand over to Mikey's back and scooted closer, rubbing down it a little.

"Oh…" Mikey sighed and closed his eyes, moving closer to Frank, "never mind…"

"Oh… okay…" Frank wasn't angry, but he sounded confused. If he was bad, Frank should have hit him, Mikey figured, so he might have been good, because he was touching like he had been. He wasn't used to getting touched by him either, but it was good. He felt like Gerard, but different. Mikey liked it though, Frank’s voice was nice, so he moved closer. "Either way, Mikes, I'm sure Gerard still likes you… he's just so busy, you know? It's his first show, too. And you’re his brother: you know how he gets… all nervous and panicky. He just wants things to go right. He’s a perfectionist. It's not you. He's just stressed. He wants the show to go well."

"I don't know…" He shook his head and sighed, "it’s usually my fault. I’ll ask Gerard. He’ll let me know. He’s probably trying to set it right…"

Frank looked more confused than every by this. He shook his head, watching Mikey in bewilderment, “What are you-”

"Mikey!" Both boys looked up to the door that they had exited from. Gerard stood in the frame, holding it open. Frank smiled up at him, but Mikey cringed. He looked angry. "What the hell are you doing out here?"

"I-" he opened his mouth to speak, but his mouth just gaped around for an explanation and his body just shivered. He could feel his eyes start to tear a little as he looked up at Gerard, pleading.

"The noise was loud, G." Frank brought his hand from Mikey's back and stood, then extended a hand to help the boy up, "So I asked Mikey to come out here with me to sit down and talk to get away from it, plus I figured I should get to know him since we'll be spending so much time together, you know?"

"Right…"

Mikey's eyes were focused to the ground as he let Frank pull him up. He walked forward with him a few steps, then felt Gerard's hand tighten hard around his wrist; he knew it without Gerard hitting him too much, he was so bad. He let Gerard lead him back into the club and closed his eyes, the noise was still so loud… he shivered and sniffled to hold back tears. Gerard stopped and bent down for something, then moved his mouth close to Mikey’s ear, growling his words "Don't leave this shit out of your sight. I won't buy you a fucking new one."

He felt the bass hit hard against his chest, and tightened his fingers around the neck and body of it and held it close to himself, "I'm sorry!"

"Whatever, open your eyes. You'll trip." Mikey obeyed and blinked his eyes open looking down to avoid cords. Gerard led him over to the rest of the guys and stopped him in front of an amp, "this one's yours… hook it up. We're almost on."

"Okay." He bent down to find a cord to plug into his guitar, but stopped and whimpered as he felt Gerard's hand grip his beanie.

"And Mikey," he watched, as Gerard bent down as well, coming level with him, lifting his chin so he had to watch him speak, "stay away from Frank, you got it? I don't like how he was touching you."

"But he was only being ni—" he was cut off by a jolt of pain, Gerard's hand tightened hard at the top of his head. The sensation made his eyes water as he starred into Gerard's.

"I don't like other people playing with my things Mikey. Stay the fuck away from him."

Mikey sniffled and nodded, and Gerard let go of his hair. He used his thumb to wipe below Mikey's eyes, and stroked his cheek with the back of his fingers, "There's my good boy… now hurry up, baby, we're almost on."

Mikey nodded and kept working on his bass as Gerard walked off somewhere else. Frank really was only trying to be nice; he couldn't understand why it was so bad to like him. He was very soft and he smiled a lot and said funny things and looked all around with those big eyes of his…

"Hey there..." There was a hand on his back again and Mikey looked round to see Frank behind him, smiling down. His eyes were still big and still nice and good to look at. His hand was nice and soft on his shoulder too. "I got you something…"

"Oh?"

Frank nodded and bent down by Mikey's side, holding out a small plastic bag with two odd little rubber things in it, "Earplugs… I had some in my car…" He opened the bag and pulled out the two little things then moved in front of Mikey, moving his guitar from his hands and smiling, "here, hold still." He moved his hand to Mikey's neck and placed one of the earplugs into his ear, then looked up to him, "It's good?"

"M…" Mikey smiled and nodded, the noises weren't as loud and it felt better on the one side, "yes. I like it."

Frank's smile was warm and Mikey missed his hand when he moved it off of his neck, "That's good… here," he handed him the other earplug and picked up his guitar, looking down it, "this really is your first show, isn't it?"

Mikey nodded and moved the other earplug in, watching Frank turn knobs on the amp and test strings on his guitar. He looked everything over and made sure it was tuned correctly, then did another one of his smiles and handed the guitar to Mikey, giving him a thumbs up signal. He leaned close to his ear and took one of the plugs out, "Alright, you're all good. I'm right over here if you need help at all. Anytime, okay?"

He pointed Mikey's eyes to where his guitar was sitting and Mikey nodded, smiling a little, "Okay. Thank you."

"No problem, sugar." The shorter boy rubbed his shoulder and smiled, then made his way back to his spot on stage where he was supposed to be.

Mikey watched him play with his own guitar and smiled at his little hands moving across it so expertly. He sure was nice. It didn't make sense why Gerard didn't like him at all. If he was really good, maybe Gerard would let him talk to Frank sometime.