S'Agapo

We both sat in the backyard, biting the hell off some full-sized sugar canes I bought yesterday. I had just finished talking about how much I hated Apollo, and he had just finished talking about how Tom thought Apollo was really cool, and really good at getting hot chicks.

"Uncle Joey, has Tom said anything about me?" We were both lying in hammocks, swaying gently in the breeze. The sun was about to start setting and I was in a dreamy half-awake state.

"Why?"

"It's just that he's been appearing in my life quite often lately." I spit out a piece and bit off another part of the sugar cane. Uncle Joey chewed thoughtfully.

"Well, maybe its just fate finally intervening. It might be God's way of saying, 'it's time to move on, Laurel! Get your self in gear and get ready to find some hot guy to do!'"

"Uncle Joey!" I blushed and sat up, almost tipping over. "That's so wrong!"

"Aw, what? You don't like Tom? Oh come on, your second cousins, it's perfectly legal!" He looked back at me and winked. It was then I realized why all the girls used to go crazy for him. Uncle Joey and my dad were both hot, and I'm not afraid to admit it. That was another reason why mom was so paranoid about losing him.

"Well, I still think of it as incest, and I do not approve."

I leaned back down and closed my eyes. The sun was heating my face. It felt nice. I sighed involuntarily and turned onto my stomach.

Turning my head I opened my eyes and stared at my hand, still loosely gripping the half-eaten sugar cane.

"Uncle, I think you're right. Not about the incest thing, but the whole fate thing. Some things have been happening, and I don't know, I think I've changed...somehow. He's changed me, and I don't know how. I suppose having someone else to take care of is making me change, making me revert back to what I used to be like. I suppose it's a good thing, but I'm scared. What if I get hurt again? Like with Kevin...The moment he heard about mom and dad, he left me, and I don't want to become vulnerable like that ever again."

Joey's sugarcane dangled from his fingers as they swayed in the air next to his hammock.

"Well, you know, I think that you'll start to act like you used to, but you've also become stronger. You've experienced more pain than a lot of people ever will, Laurel. I think that this has made you stronger. This boy that you're taking care of, Apollo was it? Well I can tell he's had
a huge effect on you, and you've already learned wariness from Kevin. But don't be afraid to jump in. I know it sounds extremely corny, but sometimes the smartest thing to do is what your heart, not your brain tells you to. And one day, I think you'll be like your mother used to be:
Beautiful, and selfless. I already see your father in you: his strength, his courage, his flexibility and his eyes. I doubt you even noticed, but you have your father's eyes and your father's crooked smile. But, I haven't seen that smile for a while now. Every time I see you, you look
strained. I think that's why boys have always been attracted to you. First, for your smile, and then, because you look like you really need a hug."

Uncle Joey stood up, and stood in front of me. I yawned and sat up. I stood up and slipped my feet into my sandals. Before I realized it, Uncle Joey was hugging me. I stood there, unsure if I should pull away or return the embrace; I hadn't been hugged in a long time. But he didn't give me enough time to decide.

"Well then, I'd better be off. I'll see you on Saturday. Have fun starting school!"

I smiled lightly, and realized that I was strained. When I was forcing myself not to care about anything or anyone, I was building up so much stress. The same when I was trying to relax. It was suddenly impossible to really be myself. Because, somehow I had really lost sight of who
I was, and as I closed the door behind my uncle, real, body-numbing fear took over.

I walked to the living room without walking. I collapsed on the couch and mindlessly turned on the TV. I didn't even realize I was crying until the view of my twitching hand blurred. Apollo came in, and I didn't notice until he spoke.

"Ah, dammit, she actually chickened out. I spent the first few hours trying to convince her, but I suppose she's not as ready as I first thought. How disappointing." He threw the jacket on the top of the couch and I tugged the cover over my head. I quickly wiped my eyes and blinked until my vision returned. The seat under my head was soaked with the tears I had shed.

"T-that's good. I wouldn't want you getting anyone pregnant." I tried to sound nasty, but instead I sounded tired, and like I had caught a cold.

"Woah, are you sick or something?"

"No, I'm just fine!"

Apollo leaned down in front of me, and suddenly my face was burning. I turned so I was facing the couch cushions, but he reached his hand over and touched my forehead. His hand was so cool; I suddenly had the urge to jump off the couch and hug him, tell him to stay near me. I resisted and knocked his hand away.

"You're burning! What the hell'd you do to yourself?"

"I was just out in the sun for a while, that's all."

"Laurel, the sun set about five hours ago, it's nine at night. My sister was right when she said you get sick easily."

I turned back around and looked Apollo square in the face. For a moment, I let him see me, completely bare, a horrible wreck, red, miserable, and scared as hell. Then I masked it with anger and irritation. "Just leave me alone, I'll be just fine for school tomorrow."

I sat up and folded the blanket.

"Why are you staring at me like that?!" I glared at Apollo.

"Nothing, I just thought I saw..." He shook his head, stood up and walked away. "I already ate at this diner with a few friends. Good night." He walked up the stairs to his bedroom.

(Apollo POV)

I pulled off my shirt and change into my shorts. I collapsed into bed, but before sleep could take me, I saw Laurel's face broken and miserable. Had I really seen that? Was it my imagination? Or was that really how she felt inside?

I turned onto my side.

Maybe...maybe I had been forced into this house for a reason other than my attitude. But, how was I supposed to help her when all she ever did was attack me?

'She keeps to herself, there's nothing I can do. Besides, the only time I've actually seen something attractive in her, when she's cooking...or when she was crying the other night...she ruined it immediately with that mouth of hers.'

"What a pain in my ass."

But I couldn't stop thinking about how I had wanted so badly to hold her just now, when she was crying, when she was cooking. My arms ached suddenly. I buried myself under my covers.
A few minutes later I heard Laurel come up the stairs. A small, almost inaudible knock on the door.

An equally small voice, "I'm sorry I'm so horrible. I hate myself, but it's not like you'd care. All you want to do is get laid. I'm sorry, that was mean of me...but I just wanted to...to...goodnight."

I heard her shuffle away, and my heart was aching just as much as my arms were. I shot out of bed and went to open the door, but when I glanced outside, she was gone. I sat in bed, staring out the window. About half an hour later, I stood up and went to her room. Laurel's door was slightly open, so some light from the hallway highlighted her sleeping face. I suppressed a sad laugh. Even asleep, she looked lost, lonely, miserable. Like me.

"Night, Laurel." My lips barely moved, and I swept into the room, kissed her lightly on the cheek.

Laurel murmured in her sleep and a tear rolled down her face. I gently wiped it away and watched it dangle from my finger.

I was pissed at myself. How could I not see her pain? I was so full of myself that I couldn't notice why she was so mean, and angry. All I noticed was that she was different. I went back to my room.

"So that must be how everyone sees her; they only see her shell, not the real, tortured soul." I curled up in my bed, my stomach feeling like curdled milk, and my heart heavy. I hated myself in that moment.