Close to the Heart

I woke up early in the morning with my heart racing and sweat dripping. It wasn’t exactly my favorite way to wake up in the morning, but I couldn’t control my brain and what I dream of. It was the same dream I used to have when I was younger; the same dream that consisted of me standing on the shoreline slowly watching my mother drown to death. I could never do anything to prevent her from going that day. No matter how much I screamed and pleaded, she would always be dragged under by the powerful waves.

I knew I couldn’t go back to sleep again tonight. I looked over at the alarm clock and saw it was four in the morning. As much as I wanted to go back to sleep, I couldn’t find myself closing my eyes. I sat up and used my sheets to wipe my face. It was sweaty and I knew I had tears running down my face. I threw the covers off and walked away from my bed. I quietly searched for a pair of flip flops and slipped them on. Quietly, I walked out of the cabin, so I wouldn’t wake up Mrs. Torres. I was quite surprised to not see her awake with the amount of screaming that was going on in my dream. Maybe I was a quiet dreamer and nobody could hear me screaming on the outside.

It was still pitch black when I closed the door to the cabin. There was very little light across the campus, which wasn’t very helpful. Maybe that was the whole point, so nobody would get out of their cabin and wander around the place at night. I contemplated on whether I should just sit by the lake and try to forget about my dream, or go and wake somebody up. Of course I would go and wake somebody up.

I walked towards one of the nearby cabins and checked to see if the door was open. It was locked, just my luck. I walked to the other side of the cabin and noticed the window was opened three-quarters. I hoisted it up fully and climbed in. As I stepped in, I stepped on something that wasn’t the floor. It felt more like a suitcase, or perhaps a guitar case. Whatever it was, I stepped on it and practically fell over. My eyes finally adjusted to the dark room as I slowly walked over to one of the beds where someone was currently sleeping. I could hear them lightly snoring as I walked closer.

I sat on the bed and looked down at the sleeping figure below me. I didn’t want to wake him up since he looked so peaceful, but I wanted someone to talk to. I needed someone to at least get my mind off my inauspicious dream. I lightly placed my hand onto his arm.

“Shane,” I whispered. I poked his arm and he lightly stirred. “Don’t make me throw another bucket of water on you.” He moved again, but he showed no signs of being awake. I jabbed him in his forehead which caused him to groan. He slowly opened his eyes and saw me looking down at him.

“Bella?” he said sitting up and propping himself up on his elbows. “What’s wrong? Why are you here?”

“Can’t I come here just to bug you?” I asked. “Does something have to be wrong?”

“With you yes,” he said. “You never get up before the sun, and it’s probably not even five yet.”

“It’s actually four,” I said smiling down at Shane. “I can’t sleep.”

“You can’t sleep?” he repeated. “So do you want to not sleep or something?”

“I don’t know,” I said. “I don’t want to go back to sleep, but I’m really tired.” Shane looked at me with a confused look. He probably wanted to tell me to just shut up and let him sleep, but of course he wouldn’t say that to me.

“You want to sleep with me?” he asked. “Or on the floor or something? I’ll be here until you fall asleep; even if that means I have to be awake for three hours straight.”

“You’re sweet,” I said. “But I don’t want to sleep. You can go back to sleep if you want. Maybe your snoring will calm me down or something.”

“What do you mean calm you down?” Shane asked sitting up fully and grabbing my hand. “I knew something was up, tell me.”

“It’s nothing,” I said. “I had a nightmare and I don’t want to go back to sleep, that’s all.”

“Well it must have been bad if you’re not in your own bed and you walked all the way over here.”

“It was,” I said, “But I’d rather try to forget about it.”

“Okay,” Shane said. “I won’t pester you to tell me. I’ll respect your wish.”

“What are you a genie or something?” I asked. Shane smiled and shook his head.

“Well now that you woke me up is there anything you’d like to do?” Shane asked.

“There’s a lot I want to do,” I said. “I want to skydive.”

“Uh huh.”

“I’d like to get my tongue frozen to a pole,” I said trying not to laugh.

“I meant what do you want to do now,” Shane said not sure whether or not I was telling him the truth.

“Oh and I always wanted to go to Las Vegas and get married! Doesn’t that sound like fun? You can be Shane Cessario.”

“Why do I have to change my last name?” Shane asked. “And are you saying you want to get married to me?”

“No,” I said. “I was just throwing out random ideas. You do know we just went to bed barely three hours ago right. I’m kind of sleep deprived at the moment.”

“Yeah, but you don’t hear me throwing out ideas like sex on the beach,” Shane said putting his head back on his pillow.

“I never said that. I’d never do that either.”

“Yeah,” Shane said closing his eyes.

“On the beach is disgusting because you get to sand in-”

“Uh, your dad is in the other room,” Shane said opening his eyes. “Do you really want to continue this conversation?”

“No, I can tell you’re getting moody,” I said letting go of Shane’s hand. “So I’ll just go back to my room.”

“Don’t go, just stay,” he said reaching back for my hand. “At least take this bed, I’ll take the other bed.”

“Why’d you take my bed anyways?” I asked. “I knew you were obsessed with me.”

“Actually, you were quite right about this bed being comfier,” Shane said. “The day you didn’t come back, I tired it out and I never went back to my old one.”

“Sure,” I replied. “You just missed me so much. I bet you had a great nights sleep with disturbing dreams.”

“To be honest, I don’t really have many nightmares when I sleep here.”

“Yeah, because you have fantasies about me,” I said. Shane laughed lightly.

“Keep thinking that all you want,” Shane said, “But I don’t. I wonder what your dad would say if he woke up and saw you in my bed.”

“Technically this is my bed,” I said poking Shane in the chest. “And he’d flip out even though I’m just sitting here while you lie like a beached whale.”

“I thought your dad always wanted us together,” Shane said. I rolled my eyes and laughed.

“He was kidding,” I said. “I told you before he just wants me happy, but-”

“Don’t I make you happy?” Shane asked. I shrugged my shoulders. “Well?”

“I don’t know, sure,” I said. I bit down on my lip hard while Shane continued to lie on the bed.

“What do you mean you don’t know?” he asked. He sat up and took my hands in his.

“I mean you do make me happy,” I said quietly. “You always have, but I still don’t want to rush into anything with you.”

“I understand,” Shane said, “And I respect that. You’ll only date me if I can sweep you off your feet, correct?”

“No, I said I’d be your girlfriend when you did that,” I said. “We can date if you want. I’m up for dates.”

“So you want to go on a date today?” Shane asked.

“Not really,” I replied. “I’m really tired.”

“I didn’t say now. I meant later or something.” I yawned loudly and covered my mouth quickly. “Bella, can you please take this bed. I promise I’ll be here until you fall asleep. Or I won’t fall asleep at all if you want me to.”

“I can’t go back to sleep,” I said remembering every detail of my dream. I wish I could shake it from my head, but it stood etched to my brain. “Can I watch you sleep instead?”

“No, if you’re going to be awake, so will I,” Shane said. “So what do you want to do?” I looked at Shane, barely able to keep my eyes open. “If I threw cold water in your face would you stay awake?”

“Don’t you have a class you need to teach tomorrow?” I asked.

“Your point?”

“You’re going to be tired,” I said feeling slightly guilty. “Please go to sleep. I’ll just go back to my room.”

“Why don’t you want to stay in here with me?” Shane asked. “You can have your own bed and everything.” It’s not that I didn’t trust Shane and staying in the same room with him, that wasn’t the case at all. The problem was me. Ever since I blabbed to him my true feelings, I can’t find myself being so close to him. Even when he holds onto my hands, I feel like I’m going to fall down or do something equally humiliating. I’m putty in his hands and if he ever found that out I wouldn’t be too happy. Who knows what could happen if I fell asleep on his bed with him. I just know my dad would kill Shane if he found out. Plus there is the fact that I want to rip off his tight, white jeans whenever he wears them, which is usually always once a week.

“I’m not that tired,” I said. Truth was once Shane let go of my hand, I would fall off the bed and fall into a somewhat peaceful slumber. Maybe this time I’d dream about being chased with pitchforks and axes by Shane’s fans. That was a nightmare, but I’d prefer that any day than replying the same dream of my mother’s body being thrown against the reefs.

“You’re not that tired?” Shane repeated. I nodded and held in another yawn. Shane laughed as he threw the covers off his lower body and stood up. He stumbled as he walked around the bed to the other side where I was sitting. “Lay down.”

“Or what?” I asked, allowing another yawn to escape my mouth.

“Or,” Shane replied lightly pushing me down on the bed, “I will put you to sleep myself.” He picked up the covers and threw them over me. “Now close your eyes, I’ll be here holding onto your hand.”

“I can’t close my eyes,” I said.

“Are you one of those people that can sleep with your eyes opened?” Shane asked. “Because you need your sleep and I hate seeing you torture yourself.”

“I’m not torturing myself,” I said. “I bet you, Jason and Nate barely get any sleep when you’re touring. Am I right?” Shane nodded his head.

“But you don’t need to do that,” he said. “What if I sing you something, will that help?”

“No, your voice sucks,” I said. “It sounds like nails on a chalkboard.” Shane chuckled.

“Really? Jason said you loved our song we sung the other day.” Stupid Jason! He could never keep a secret.

“I said I liked the song,” I replied, “Not your voice. Plus if you sung me to sleep, not only will I run out of the room crying, you’d wake up my dad.”

“You’d run out of the room crying?” Shane repeated what I just said. “Out of joy?” I laughed lightly as I sat up.

“Sure why not,” I said. I yawned once again, and found myself lying down on the bed again.

“Don’t make me tie you down,” Shane said. “Just go to sleep.” I laughed lightly at what he just said.

“You are going to tie me down if I don’t go to sleep?” I asked. “Kinky much? I didn’t know Mr. Pop Star had a devious side.”

“You know I didn’t mean that,” Shane said. If there were any light shining into the cabin, I could have sworn I just made Shane Gray blush. “I…I.” I laughed again.

“You, you, what?” I asked mocking his stuttering. I wanted to laugh louder, but any louder and my dad would most likely wake up; that is if he isn’t already awake. “You know what? I think I am going to go to sleep. Night Shaney.”

“You’re really taking my bed?” Shane asked.

“Correction,” I said, “It’s still my bed. And you did offer. Now goodnight.” I shut my eyes and felt my hand being picked up. I felt something warm and wet on my hand and snatched it away. “Ew, what was that?”

“A slug,” Shane said, “What do you think it is?” I sat up and looked at Shane who was walking towards his old bed. He removed the covers and sat down. “Night Isabella.” I looked over at Shane as he got settled into bed. I had that feeling of guilt return back. Of course those were Shane’s lips on my hand, but there I went being a snob again. I wonder why Shane would continue to even like me when I was always sarcastic and making snide comments to him.

I stood up and walked over to where Shane was lying down. I looked down at his face and noticed his eyes were closed. I bent down and kissed his forehead. His eyes shot open as I stood up.

“What was that for?” he asked.

“For listening to me complain even though I’m pretty much a jerk to you,” I said. “Anyways, thanks and goodnight.” I kissed Shane’s cheek and walked back to bed. As I got settled into bed, I heard Shane’s bed creak and he started walking back to my bed. He too bent down and kissed my forehead.

“Sleep tight Princess,” he said. “And if you have any more nightmares, I’ll be right over there. Don’t hesitate to wake me up.” I smiled up at him as he placed his hand on my cheek. “Night.” He placed his lips onto mine and broke it off quickly, walking back to his bed.

I had the urge to stand up and go to his bed, to give him one last goodnight kiss, but withheld myself for getting up again. I’d just have to comply with only dreaming about kissing him just until morning came.

I felt I could survive five hours. But five hours was my limit.