Passion in My Eyes, Ice in My Veins

“OH MY GOD!” I screamed a the very top of my lungs as I squeezed my eyes shut, gripping the sides of the bed.

“Breathe, baby,” Matt told me as he looked down at where the Doctors were positioned, then back up at my reddened face.

“You try pushing a fucking kid out of a tiny fucking hole!” I blurted at him.

Everyone learned to disregard everything I said. I was giving birth. Nothing I say should be burned into someone’s memory. Cause I’ll be going to hell for it. I said some crude things…

“One more big push,” the doctor said looking up at me. “Almost there, Leslie.”

“Gah!” I screamed, feeling my fingernails pierce through my skin. I finally felt the baby pop out and I fell back against the bed, breathing hard. My eyes were shut and my legs were trembling. I suddenly felt like I was going to burst into tears.

“Congratulations,” the doctor smiled as he brought the baby up to me, “it’s a boy.”

Matt grinned. I did too. I know he wanted a boy, and in a way, I did too. I knew the kid would look just like Matt and that’s what I wanted. Another reminder that Matt is mine. And soon, he will be mine forever.

As Matt sang on stage, I stood in the back, bouncing Elliot on my hip. “That’s your father,” I whispered in his ear.

Elliot just giggled and clapped his hands together, swaying from side to side as he watched Matt. I kissed Elliot’s head a few times then sat down at the table. “He’s looking more and more like you every day,” a voice said as I stared at the guys on stage.

I looked up and felt my heart stop. My Mom was standing there awkwardly, holding her purse so tight that her knuckles were turning white. Her voice was rather shaky, too I noticed. Her eyes shifted from behind me, to my eyes, then back to the ground. “He’s beautiful,” she whispered.

I stroked Elliot’s head as he sucked his thumb and pointed to my Mother. “What are you doing here?” I asked, trying to be as polite as possible.

It was hard. It’s not like she tried to keep in touch with me after I told her I was pregnant with Matt’s son.

“I just wanted to see my grandson,” she took a step toward us with her shaky voice.

I held Elliot tightly in my arms. “What took you so long?”

She sighed and sat down at the little table. “I’m sorry, Leslie. I know I failed you as a Mother. But I don’t want your child to grow up with a grandmother who can’t be there. I want you to forgive me.” she sighed. “I want to be a part of Elliot’s life.”

I sighed and looked at Elliot who reached out towards my Mom. She laughed a little and put her hand gently on his chubby cheek. “He really looks like Matt.”

“Yeah.” I nodded. “He does.”

“Leslie,” she looked up at me, “please.”

Elliot giggled and leaned more towards my Mom. I sighed and let him go to her. My Mother beamed as soon as he was in her arms. He tugged on her necklace and on her earrings. She didn’t mind. She bounced him in her lap and played with the hair that was growing in.

I couldn’t help but smile watching her. She wasn’t all evil like I had thought. She really did have a heart. And maybe, just maybe, she could accept the fact I am in love with Matt and I am never ever letting him go.

She looked over at me. “Leslie,” she started, but was interrupted by Matt walking over.

“Oh.” He stopped when he saw her. “Um, I’ll talk to you later…” he looked from me to my Mom then grabbed a towel and walked off with the guys.

My Mom sighed. “Leslie, I really am sorry for not being there for you during all of this. But I want to start over. I want to be there for Elliot.”

“You can’t just apologize and hope everything will be okay. You gave up on me, Mom,” I said angrily. “When I told you I was pregnant, you basically threw me out of your life. When I was in high school, you wanted me to stay away from someone I loved.” I was livid. “I can’t believe you’re coming back into my life, trying to make me forgive all that you have done.”

She was hurt. I knew my words hit her hard. But she deserved it. She can’t just walk back into my life like that and expect me to just forget everything she has ever done to me.

“Leslie, I-”

I took Elliot out of her hands, and he wrapped his arms tightly around me. “Bye Mom.” I grabbed my purse off the table and walked off, not wanting to deal with her anymore. I was done. I wasn’t going to argue with her.

It’s not like it matters that she won’t be around. We have Mrs. Sanders. And she’s a wonderful Mother. That’s all we need. One great Grandma and Grandpa. That’s what the Sanders’ family can offer me.