I Left The Lights On So You Stumble In Devotion

Evgeni was surprised to find Jordan Staal waiting for him outside of their dressing room, thinking everybody would be on the ice already for the optional practice. He was late, only because he’d woken up at Sidney’s house and realized he had to go back to his own to get his things for practice.

Nothing would have kept him from missing this practice, he wanted to be at his best for the third round of playoffs. Not even Sidney made him think twice, although he did feel slightly guilty leaving him lying in his bathroom, clutching onto his toilet as he continued to throw up the remainders of last night.

“So, how badly does your hand hurt right now?” asked Jordan, his tone sounded cold but his eyes suggested differently.

“It okay. Not as bad as your face.” Evgeni felt a sudden surge of pride, noticing how much power he must have hit Jordan’s face with.

His nose was a mix of blue and purple, the skin underneath his eye being a shade lighter. It must have been painful. Evgeni didn’t waste any time, pushing open the dressing room door. He was surprised to see that Jordan followed him, looking relaxed considering the situation.

“Why you not dressed?” asked Evgeni, hauling off his shirt to put on the clothing he wears underneath his gear.

“I only came today to talk to you.” admitted Jordan, sitting on the bench across the room from Evgeni. “Apologize, you know.”

“Should not I apologize?” Evgeni winced, broken English. He could tell that much.

“You could, because I can’t explain to you how badly this fucking hurts.” Jordan grinned a little, pointing to his face. “But I jumped to conclusions last night, I was out of line.”

“What?”

Evgeni stared up at Jordan in confusion. Did he not put the facts together to realize that him and Sidney were together? He was right about them, he thought that the punch and him storming out of Max’s house proved that.

“Let’s just forget about it.” Jordan shrugged, opening his own hockey bag. “Just don’t hit me anymore, save it for Carolina.”

“Maybe save it for your brother.” added Evgeni.

Jordan laughed, and Evgeni noticed how melodic it sounded. It was almost like Sidney’s high-pitched, melodic laugh. He watched as one of his best friends got dressed, not once looking over at him to realize he was staring. Should he say something about him and Sidney? Or would it only end up in Evgeni probably breaking his hand and Jordan’s nose?

“So, where is Sid?” asked Jordan casually.

“In bathroom, very sick.” Jordan laughed again, but this time it sounded more forced than naturally melodic.

“You really did stay over there, then?” Evgeni looked up, catching Jordan’s eye.

Evgeni just nodded, waiting for some sort of reaction from Jordan. He reminded Evgeni of himself, when he was trying to find the right word for something.

“Are you guys…?” Jordan trailed off, still looking over at Evgeni.

Evgeni didn’t know what to say. Every word that comes out of his mouth risks something, and he wasn’t sure what would be worse. He could tell Jordan the truth, have Jordan tell everybody, and have to live with the reactions from his teammates and possibly the media. Or he could lie to Jordan, have Jordan probably find out the truth if Ruslan or Gonchar said anything and have the same reactions except worse because he’s lied to his best friend, or even worse: Sidney could find out he’s denying all ties with him, and possibly decide to never speak to him again.

Words were seriously beginning to become a major problem for Evgeni. He bit his tongue, thinking to himself that knowing the words to say was actually a much worse reality than not knowing. Therefore, Evgeni shrugged.

“Is that a yes? Or a no?” Jordan sighed, leaning back against the wall. “I was only such an asshole about it last night because I was drunk. It’s none of my business, Geno, but we’re cool about stuff. I’d tell you.”

“Not really anything to tell right now.” muttered Evgeni, hauling his jersey on roughly over his shoulders. “Sorry.”

“Alright then.” Jordan stopped for a second before looking back over at Evgeni. “Dan’s going to give you shit about my face, just to warn you.”

“Not big difference.” Evgeni rolled his eyes and scoffed, causing Jordan to relax a little and laugh naturally again.

***

Evgeni was tired, more tired than usual. Their coach had worked him extra hard, he suspected it was punishment for all of the work he’d have to put in with the press; Dan would be the one who’d have to deal with coming up with some lame excuse about how Jordan got bruised. Everybody would have known that he didn’t get hit in the game.

“Was practice okay without me? Did anybody say anything?” Sidney’s voice sounded urgent, even if it was being delivered through telephone lines. “I should’ve went, I’m such a fucking idiot for drinking. What about Jordan’s face, was it bad?”

Evgeni continued to listen to Sidney as he rambled on with his questions. Why did he need to know all of this? Or better yet, why did Evgeni have to be the one to tell him? He groaned mentally to himself, loathing every minute he spent on the phone. He despised talking on the phone with Sidney, only doing it because he knew that it was something Sidney enjoyed.

“Evgeni.” Sidney whined a little, causing Evgeni’s mind to rush back to reality.

“Practice was okay.” said Evgeni simply. “Jordan ask question, but I say nothing.”

“You didn’t say anything?”

Evgeni’s face faltered a little, “I said nothing. Is that wrong?”

“No, no… I just thought maybe you would have said something. I don’t know -you did the right thing.” And then Sidney’s voice began to jumble his words. “I should have went.”

“It was okay.” assured Evgeni. “We do fine without you, not like you need practice.”

Sidney laughed lightly, Evgeni could tell that Sidney didn’t believe him; he knew that deep down, Sidney really felt as though he was going to miss out from not practicing. He could almost hear Sidney scheduling a practice with himself in his head.

“Alright.” said Sidney softly, breathing gently into the phone. “What are you doing now?”

“I just out of shower, you call me right when I get out.”

“I’m feeling better now, I was thinking maybe I’d come over…”

Evgeni didn’t say anything, he just paused and listened as Sidney’s voice trailed off. He wanted Sidney to come over- he did, it’s just that their whole relationship was causing a lot of confusion and frustration right now.

“…is that okay?” asked Sidney suddenly, his voice seeming to boom out of Evgeni’s phone.

“It is fine, Sidney.”

Evgeni didn’t listen to the rest of the things Sidney said, he just laid there on his couch. There wasn’t anything to watch on the television, he ended up watching one of the sports channels. First they were talking about golf, making Evgeni scoff at the television; then it changed to the Stanley Cup Playoffs.

It made him sick to his stomach to watch himself skate around the ice on the television. It always seemed like they’d show his worst hits and his less glamorous goals, they were always out to weaken him. Or maybe they weren’t, maybe it was in his head. He felt slightly conceited watching himself, urgently switching the channels as soon as he heard light footsteps and knocking at his door.

He smiled, roughly hauling open his door. His jaw dropped a little and his head cocked to the side, looking into the face of a bright-eyed Jordan, Kris and Max lingering behind him.

“Thought we’d come over and hang out.” answered Jordan, as if he mentally heard Evgeni questioning his visit in his head.

“Jordan feels bad about the way Bylsma worked you this practice.” added Max, pushing past Evgeni.

Evgeni opened the door wider to allow let Kris and Jordan in, trying his hardest not to look annoyed or surprised. He heard Max laugh in his living room.

“Geno, were you watching yourself?”

Evgeni shut his door, turning around only to see that he’d only flicked the channel to another sports channel, one that apparently had decided on showing all of his plays. To Evgeni’s surprise, this was a more flattering segment.

“No.” said Evgeni softly, sitting on his couch next to Max.

Kris was sitting uncomfortably in an armchair, looking around himself to make sure he hadn’t sat in anything. Evgeni’s apartment was slightly messy lately, being busy most of the time playing hockey and being out of town.

“So, Geno.” Max slapped his hands on his knees and glanced around. “What’ve you been doing?”

“Nothing.” muttered Evgeni, glancing up at Max.

Max was grinning, like most of the time, looking energetic and pleasant. Evgeni had no idea how he did it, especially after the rough practice they’d had.

“That sounds boring.” admitted Max, helping himself to Evgeni’s remote, flicking through channels.

“I half expected Sidney to be here.” joked Jordan, giving Evgeni an apologetic smile.

“Hah.” Evgeni would’ve laughed, but then he realized that Sidney would be there. Shortly.

“Was he really too sick to go to practice?” asked Kris curiously, he looked as though he was just attempting to get into the conversation.

“Did you see him blow chunks all over my lawn?” asked Max bluntly.

“I didn’t know Sid the kid was such a lightweight.”

“Did you see him blow chunks all over my lawn?” repeated Max.

Evgeni laughed lowly, stopping though, when he heard footsteps grow closer to his door. The knock following was loud, and Evgeni knew it was Sidney.

“Hold on.” muttered Evgeni, standing up and making his way to his door.

When the door opened, the conversation in the living room stopped. He was sure that Sidney had no idea about his unexpected three guests in the living room.

“Hey Evgeni.” Sidney leaned in to wrap his arms around Evgeni, but Evgeni backed away, tilting his head towards the living room.

“What?”

“Guests.”

“Guests?” repeated Sidney, peering around the door to see Jordan, Max and Kris sitting on Evgeni’s couches.

The guys in the living room were curious now, glancing over to figure out who was there. They must’ve gotten suspicious with Evgeni trying his hardest to stand in front of the open door, it looked as though he were hiding something. They had to have seen Sidney.

“What are they doing here?” whispered Sidney, raising his eyebrows.

“Don’t know.”

“They just came?” asked Sidney. Evgeni nodded. “They’re checking up on you, you realize that?”

“No, it not like that.” assured Evgeni, his grip tightening on the door. “They just talking.”

“Are you going to ask me in?”

“Okay.” Evgeni pushed the door open, revealing to everybody that it was Sidney in the doorway.

“Hey… guys.” greeted Sidney, waving briefly at them.

Evgeni had no idea why it was so uncomfortable. They were all friends -close friends, and they never took themselves too seriously.

“Feeling better?” asked Max, giving Sidney a goofy smile.

Evgeni felt thankful that Max was there, trying to break an awkward silence.

“I am, yeah.” Sidney spoke in a positive manner, he had no hint of awkwardness in his voice. “I should have went, but… you really didn’t want to see the mess I was this morning.”

Everybody laughed, but it wasn’t a casual laugh, it was forced. Evgeni hated the tension in the room. Would this tension always be here now?

“You don't want to see the mess I had to clean up today.” said Max.

Kris rolled his eyes, “We all know you don’t clean up after yourself, so you’re not getting any pity from us.”

Kris and Max continued a playful argument between each other, and Evgeni found it difficult to decipher whether or not they were serious most of the time. He realized Sidney and Jordan were sitting silently, although Sidney sometimes laughed at something Max or Kris said; he never joined in with them though, and this was odd considering he and Jordan usually never shut up.

“It’s late.” stated Jordan.

Evgeni noticed that Jordan wasn’t wearing a watch.

“Yeah, I guess it is.” agreed Kris.

“We leaving?”

They held small conversation for a while before the three of them left Sidney and Evgeni alone. Jordan gave an awkward nod towards them before shutting the door behind himself.

“That was awkward.” said Sidney clearly, folding his arms into his chest. “Why was that so awkward?”

“Because… they think we are….”

“Gay, with each other.” finished Sidney, biting his hip in a nervous manner. “Assholes.”

“But I say we are not.” protested Evgeni, frowning at Sidney.

“I kind of ruined your excuses by showing up here tonight.”

“No.” But Evgeni was really thinking ‘yes’.

“Should I go?” asked Sidney curiously, his face full of disappointment.

Evgeni looked at this ‘should I go’ sentence as a trick question. He could say yes, and have Sidney leave his apartment with probable thoughts of never coming back to it. He could say no, and he knew there would somehow be consequences that he wasn’t sure of yet.

“Whatever you want.” mumbled Evgeni softly, leaning against a counter in his kitchen. “You stay or you go.”

“I just don’t want to be alone anymore, I’ve done nothing all day besides hug my toilet.”

“I hope you brush teeth.”

Sidney laughed, making his way over to Evgeni. His arms slid around Evgeni’s waist, his head nestling it’s way to a cozy spot in Evgeni’s neck.

“Can you just talk to me?” asked Sidney.

Evgeni considered this an odd request, especially from Sidney. Sidney knew he hated to speak, hating every word that came out of his mouth because it was either broken or mispronounced. Sidney must have felt Evgeni’s hesitation.

“Вы - глупый человек, но я люблю Вас. Я надеюсь, что это дует, потому что я не знаю, могу ли я продолжать любить Вас, если это разрушает команду.”

Sidney smiled into Evgeni’s shoulder. Evgeni knew that he had no idea what he had said, because if he had, he would have looked past the hopeful tone and heard what he’d really said.

“You are a silly man, but I love you. I hope that this blows over, because I do not know if I can keep loving you if it ruins the team.”