I Left The Lights On So You Stumble In Devotion

After watching Detroit win against Chicago and realizing that he’d have to face Zetterberg, Osgood and the rest of their team in a few days, Evgeni decided that he’d had enough. The last time he’d spoken to Sidney was before he left Carolina, not receiving any words from him at team practices or in the dressing room; he chose to sit across the room now, too far for close, intimate conversations. Evgeni decided that if Sidney Crosby could make unexpected visits at his house late at night, he could do the same.

It was warm out, slightly misty; the pavement was dark and wet. Sidney hadn’t answered his phone, which made Evgeni nervous, but he assured himself that he’d be awake. He pulled in slowly to Mario’s driveway, nearly laughing at himself as he stumbled out of his car; it amazed him sometimes how someone so clumsy could have actually made it to the NHL.

His knocks were low, but hard; he stopped when he heard footsteps nearing the door, it made him fidget a little where he stood. He stopped to brush his hair back from his eyes, hoping that he didn’t look a complete mess.

“Evgeni?”

Evgeni looked up, scrunching the bridge of his nose with his fingers as he found himself face to face with Mario.

“Hi.”

“Hi to you too.” Mario stopped, looking around the doorstep. “It’s a bit late, isn‘t it?”

“Is Sidney home?” asked Evgeni slowly, watching as Mario eyed him up and down.

Mario let out a small sigh, dropping his hand from the door frame while poking his head back inside for a few seconds. Evgeni looked at him in complete confusion as he stepped outside next to him before shutting the door, laying his hand on Evgeni’s shoulder in a fatherly manner.

“I know what you’ve been doing.”

Evgeni tried to shrug off Mario’s hand and turn around, but Mario’s hand gripped his shoulder tighter; it wasn’t in a violent manner, he just wanted Evgeni to listen to everything he had to say. Evgeni could barely hear anything anymore, all of the blood in his body seemed to rush to his head and it left him feeling dizzy.

“Sidney told me everything.”

“Sidney?” repeated Evgeni, his mouth wide and his eyes wider as it felt like his stomach completely dropped inside of him.

“Yeah, don’t be upset.” It echoed in Evgeni’s ears, but it didn’t help calm him down. “I’ve given him some rules to follow, and I suspect you’re just figuring out about them. I don’t want you two getting yourselves into anything that can ruin your chance at the Cup this year, and I don’t want you ruining the team.”

Evgeni stared at him, almost wondering if everything he was hearing was the truth. Rules? Rules? He wanted to shout at Mario, tell him it was none of his business and tell him that he didn’t understand. Because he didn’t understand, that was the thing. Nobody could possibly understand besides him and Sidney.

“But-”

“No ‘but’s’, Geno. It’s how it is.” Mario’s voice was stern now, no longer sounding slightly empathetic. “You’re a member of the team, not a puck bunny.”

Evgeni frowned, swallowing dryly and trying his best to ignore the temptation as his hands curled into fists at his sides; this was Mario, and he had to listen to Mario. Why couldn’t Sidney just come outside and tell him this? Was he listening on the other side of the door?

“You should leave now.” said Mario, nodding his head towards Evgeni’s car. “I’m going to assume you watched the game tonight, so you know you’re going to need a lot of rest for practice tomorrow.”

Evgeni stared in awe, watching as Mario’s hand patted him on the back and gently pushed him towards his car. Mario was smiling as he shut the door, and for a second Evgeni almost swore he heard him talking to someone.

He drove in silence until he reached his apartment building. The stairs made squeaking noises as he walked up slowly, he hoped that he wouldn’t wake his parents when he opened his door.. And he didn’t, his apartment feeling cold and dark as soon as he stepped inside. His bedroom was even worse and darkly lit.

He could still hear his father snore as he curled himself up into a ball against the rough sheets on his bed, the same sheets that he could still smell Sidney on if he rubbed his nose close enough. It disturbed him to think of how lonely he’d become in the past couple of days. It made it worse when he thought about how it was because of Sidney, and even worse when he thought about how Mario knew about their ‘relationship’.

***

When he arrived at Mellon arena for practice before their flight to Detroit for the first game, he didn’t feel lonely anymore. It was anger that pulsed through his veins every time he’d see Sidney look his way, causing him to glare through his visor.

He felt horrible, and it was Sidney’s fault. It was Sidney’s fault that he didn’t sleep the night before. It was Sidney’s fault that his head couldn’t grasp the concept of hockey drills he’d been given. It was Sidney’s fault that he wouldn’t ever be able to look Mario Lemieux in the eyes anymore. It was Sidney’s fault that he felt like his heart had fallen out of place in his body, like he was actually in physical pain. It was Sidney’s fault that he was confused beyond belief about things he’d never questioned until Sidney made him. It was just all Sidney’s fault.

He wondered if Sidney knew that he’d shown up late last night to see him, knowing fully well that Mario had probably told him. Mario was probably keeping watch on him now, making sure that he didn’t get too close. It was hard considering they were teammates, and the fact that they were friends long before anything else had escaladed.

Sidney was opposite him, looking equally preoccupied as he stood before Evgeni to practice facing off. This was mainly to help Evgeni since Sidney had a good enough winning percentage. Evgeni looked around, trying his hardest to occupy his eyes with anything else besides Sidney; he noticed how everybody else looked so normal and familiar, how none of them could sense anything was different.

“You ready?”

Sidney nodded and Evgeni muttered a ‘yes’. Before the puck could drop their sticks were tangled up together, the two of them exerting every bit of force into trying to budge the other’s stick. The puck had landed on the ice and hadn’t budged, every bit of attention focused on pushing the other player. Everybody had moved out of place, watching now as Evgeni pushed Sidney roughly. Sidney landed with a thud on the ice, returning to his feet as quickly as possible to push Evgeni. Evgeni’s fists hit Sidney’s face with a dull feeling, his knuckles cracking under the force. The puck still hadn’t budged.

Evgeni was ready to rip off his helmet and fire it against the ice when Talbot jumped between him and Sidney, wrapping his arms around Evgeni’s chest to push him away from the center of the ice. Sidney’s nose was flared, his eyes looking more hurt than angry. Evgeni paid no attention to the eyes staring at him as he shouted with angry Russian words flowing out of his throat, he didn’t care if he’d given Sidney Crosby a black eye.

“Geno, calm the fuck down.” muttered Max, shoving Evgeni through the doorway and off the ice.

Evgeni felt even more furious when he realized Max was following him, every single bit of him oozing with curiosity. Evgeni wasn’t sure if Max was actually curious or if he was just bored.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Evgeni threw his head in his hands, trying to avoid the thought of Max prodding him with questions. “Geno, come on.”

“Nothing.”

“There’s something wrong, you just smacked the shit out of Sidney.” Evgeni winced, the consequences of his actions finally hitting him. He’d really done that. “Seriously, Geno, Bylsma’s really pissed.”

“Sorry.” He sounded pathetic.

“It’s not me you’ve got to apologize too.”

“I can’t say sorry to Crosby.” And that was the truth, since he wasn’t supposed to be talking to Sidney.

“I just don’t… like, Geno… are- why are you mad, though? It’s the one thing I don’t get. It was just a face off.” said Max, finally taking a seat on the bench next to Evgeni. “You guys have been acting weird for a while now, and I’ve heard things-”

“No.”

“I’m going to go back out, then.” Max looked defeated, maybe even annoyed.

Evgeni waited, thinking that someone would be coming to the dressing room to talk to him. Nobody did though, maybe they were all just as frustrated with him as Max was. He had just started to get undressed when he heard footsteps, his nerves getting to him as he saw Dan Bylsma close the dressing room door behind him. Bylsma didn’t look at him as he spoke, he simply stared at the floor with his hands on his hips.

“I’m not going to ask questions, I was just talking with Mario.”

“I-”

“Don’t do it again.”

Evgeni was unsure of which situation Bylsma was talking about, resisting to ask questions as Bylsma exited the room. He knew it was best to take his things and leave before the rest of the guys would file into the room and stare at him awkwardly, so he did.

He hadn’t showered before leaving, he just pulled a toque on over his wet hair and hauled his hockey bag over his shoulder. Nobody noticed him leave, everybody else being on the ice and unable to see him; he could hear their shouts and passes, and he felt envious that they weren’t in the situation he was.

Suddenly he felt his arm being tugged on, causing him to drop his bag slightly onto his arm with surprise. He turned in a quick motion, accidentally jutting the person next to him with his elbow as his bag dropped to the floor. It was Sidney, he pulled Evgeni into a room in a sudden movement. The light was dim in this small room, but he could still see a reddened mark on Sidney’s face.

“Don’t say anything.” ordered Sidney, locking the door behind him.

“What-”

“I’m sorry, okay, you don’t have to be an asshole about it.” Evgeni felt an urge to push Sidney again, but he stopped and waited for Sidney to continue talking. “I couldn’t do anything, I had to tell Mario the truth. He figured it out, and I couldn’t lie about it. I didn’t think he’d do anything.”

Evgeni stared at Sidney, wondering in his head if he could believe anything that came out of Sidney’s mouth. How could he have been naïve enough to think that Mario wouldn’t do anything?

“I know it seems bad right now, but I promise- Evgeni, honestly, you know how I feel about you-”

“Don’t believe you.” said Evgeni simply. “You ignore me.”

“I did it because I had to, you heard Mario at the house.”

Evgeni didn’t respond, he still stared at Sidney with repulsion. Sidney looked horrible, regardless of the bruise forming on his face.

“I’m serious. This is going to be different after this season’s over, okay? I’ll do anything.”

“No.”

“Yes, I will, because I know you feel every bit that I feel and I know you’re angry but you’ve got to understand what it’s like right now. I don’t want to have to avoid you, but until you calm down… I don’t know what to do, Evgeni.”

Evgeni waited, but Sidney didn’t speak anymore. He looked every bit as pathetic as he sounded, but not because Evgeni didn’t believe him, but because he was being serious. He was right, he had no other options.

“I didn’t want to ruin the team.”

“Team not ruined.”

“We’re still okay, right? This doesn’t matter?”

“I don’t know.” said Evgeni slowly, his body becoming tense as the distance between him and Sidney lessened.

“Please?” Sidney took another step closer, his hands finding Evgeni’s before sliding up his arms and around his waist. “Trust me, okay?”

“I don’t know.” repeated Evgeni.

Sidney frowned, one of his arms leaving Evgeni’s waist so his hand could brush Evgeni’s cheek. Evgeni’s eyes looked down, watching as his hand lingered on his cheek. Evgeni couldn’t even bring himself to move back as Sidney’s lips touched his neck, following his cheek, following his lips. Evgeni couldn’t help but kiss back, feeling the same urgency flow from his lips that came from Sidney’s. This could be the last time for a while.

“I’m going to pretend this didn’t happen.” muttered Sidney, pointing with his index finger to his eye.

Evgeni felt a tinge of guilt as Sidney smiled, kissing him once more before backing away again.

“Play with your heart in Detroit, alright? It’s going to be different this year.”

Evgeni nodded, watching as Sidney slowly crept out the room and back towards the ice. Things were going to be different this year.