I Left The Lights On So You Stumble In Devotion

Gonchar’s house seemed empty without his wife and kids in it, but Evgeni liked it better when it was this quiet. It wasn’t that he despised children or anything (although at times he felt like it). it’s just Gonchar’s kids liked to torture him. Normally when Evgeni visited Gonchar’s house he left with a headache, having to endure multiple hours listening to the loud, screaming laughter from the children.

Gonchar was so calm and relaxed all of the time through it, it usually put Evgeni at more of an ease. It was also comforting to know that Gonchar could understand everything he said in his native tongue, to know that he didn’t sound like some simple, Russian hockey player to Gonchar.

“It feels like ages since I’ve seen you.” said Sergei, taking a seat on his couch that lay across the room from where Evgeni sat.

“I haven’t really been all that busy.” admitted Evgeni, chewing down on his lip as he thought about his past events that week.

There was that night at Sidney’s where they had movie night, then that night where Sidney came to his apartment, then that night where they skated around Mellon Arena until early morning, and then that night where they drove around Pittsburgh for absolutely no reason except that they were bored. Every night ending up in them tangled up in each others arms, lips swollen and cheeks flushed. Sergei must have caught on to Evgeni’s thoughts, laughing out loud in his deep voice. Evgeni looked up, slightly embarrassed and confused.

“What?”

“You’ve been this preoccupied with Sidney, it’s hilarious.” Sergei smiled, not in a taunting way, but in a playful teasing way.

“I’m not preoccupied, we’ve just become really good friends.” Evgeni felt a little guilty, but it was only somewhat of a lie; they had become like extremely close friends.

“Just tell me you’re being safe.” teased Sergei, winking at Evgeni before turning on his television.

Evgeni’s eyes widened as his jaw dropped in horror, feeling completely disturbed that Sergei would assume he and Sidney were actually sexually active. The thought had never occurred to Evgeni before, it had been too uncomfortable for him to think about. Sergei caught a glimpse of Evgeni’s face, and turned his attention back towards his Russian friend.

“What?” asked Sergei, raising his eyebrows at Evgeni.

“Nothing.” said Evgeni quickly, hoping Sergei would drop the subject altogether.

“You’re trying to tell me you’re with Sidney, yet you won’t sleep with him?”

Evgeni cringed at the word ‘sleep’, knowing that Gonchar did not mean resting. He got an image of Sidney smiling below him, his bare chest looking soft in the darkness. Evgeni shook the image out of his view, staring back at Gonchar.

“I haven’t, you know… thought of that.”

“I’m sure Sidney has.”

Evgeni bit his lip, beginning to wonder if Sergei’s and Sidney’s minds worked the same way. Had the thought about sex crossed Sidney’s mind? Evgeni recalled times where they’d be simply kissing and Sidney’s hands would roam. But Evgeni’s hands roamed as well, that didn’t mean that he wanted to have Sidney right then and there. Evgeni assured himself that Gonchar was wrong.

“What? Come on, Evgeni, Sidney can’t take his eyes off of you most of the time, you think he doesn’t imagine what it’s like to f-”

“Stop it.” interrupted Evgeni, giving a quick threatening glare over at Sergei.

Sergei found himself laughing, giving an apologetic look over at Evgeni as he continued to chuckle. Evgeni’s cheeks were burnt so red now that he had doubts they’d ever return to their natural, creamy colour.

“I have no idea why sex makes you so uncomfortable.” admitted Sergei.

“It’s just Sidney.” Evgeni shook his head again, trying to get the thought of Sidney out of his head. “It’s weird. You don’t understand.”

“So you’re gay, it’s not that weird. Get over it, Evgeni.”

Evgeni looked up, feeling Sergei’s words slapping him in the face. If it were possible, Evgeni would’ve suspected his heart had stopped beating for several minutes. Gay. That’s what people would think he was for being with Sidney. Gay. It had a disapproving ring to it.

“What? What’s wrong now, you don’t like being called gay?” asked Sergei.

Sergei’s tone made him feel like a little child being questioned by a parent, a parent trying their best to share their knowledge to a stubborn child. For once, Evgeni did not appreciate the wisdom that Sergei seemed to want to share.

“I’m not- I’ve never even… Gay? No.” Evgeni said sharply, continuing his glare over at Gonchar.

“So you’re bisexual?” Gonchar continued to probe Evgeni on, knowing that Evgeni was getting rather angry with him.

“I’m just normal.” stated Evgeni clearly.

Sergei didn’t respond, mainly because he knew that Evgeni’s thoughts were in a flurry in his head and that he wouldn’t need any more prying on the situation. Now that it’d been mentioned, it would float in and out of Evgeni’s thoughts until he’d figured everything out. Evgeni sat there pretending to be normal for another hour before saying a quick ‘goodbye’ to Sergei and adding an excuse about a non-existent headache.

Evgeni realized midway while driving that he wasn’t on his way to his own apartment; he was on his way to Mario’s to see Sidney. He’d assume that Sidney was probably just getting back from his run, maybe showering. He thought about what Sidney would be like in that situation, just getting out of the shower. He’d probably look like he did that night at the hotel. He’d probably flaunt himself at Evgeni, smiling his brightest at the look of innocence Evgeni would give him.

Evgeni shook his head, frowning to himself. He had to stop having thoughts like that. It wasn’t right. Sergei’s words kept hitting him over and over in his head, and it caused his stomach to churn.

He wasn’t right about Sidney, Sidney was sprawled out across his bed. He was napping, looking beautifully peaceful in his sleep. He was only wearing a pair of shorts, tight shorts, to make the best of it. Evgeni wanted to crawl next to him, wrap his arms around Sidney as he continued to sleep. But he wouldn’t.

“Sidney.” Evgeni nudged at Sidney’s shoulders until Sidney jerked awake, looking more alarmed than peaceful.

“Geno, what are you doing here?” Sidney looked at his watch intently. “We don’t have practice until later.”

Evgeni didn’t respond right away, he just stood there looking intensely awkward. He felt like an idiot. Why did he wake up Sidney if he didn’t even know what to say? He should’ve went home and sat down with a dictionary, tried to figure out what the hell he was trying to say.

“Are you okay?” asked Sidney suddenly, moving over and patting the space on the bed next to him. “Seriously, you’re freaking me out, Geno.”

Evgeni ran his hand over his eyes, then his forehead. He was frustrated, but ending up sitting on the spot next to Sidney. Evgeni stared at him, his stomach aching at every painful, worried look Sidney gave him.

“I not want…” Evgeni spoke slowly, trying his hardest to make himself understood.

“What?” Sidney tried his best to listen, and this nearly killed Evgeni.

“I not want you.” said Evgeni bluntly.

It was a lie, of course. As soon as Evgeni’s voice stopped and as soon as he knew the sentence had ended, he could feel every bit of his body wanting to shout out and say ‘that was a lie, that was a complete lie’. Sidney’s smile faltered.

“I don’t understand, Geno. You don’t want me?” He didn’t understand either, really.

“I do not know.” groaned Evgeni, putting his head in his hands. “I so confused.”

Sidney leaned down towards Evgeni, his hands grabbing onto Evgeni’s jaw. Evgeni’s eyes instantly shut at Sidney hauled his face towards his own.

“Just tell me why, Evgeni.” whispered Sidney, his hands softly moving back towards Evgeni’s neck. “Why are you confused? I thought we were doing okay?”

Evgeni felt himself cave in to Sidney’s hands, moving himself closer to Sidney’s bare chest. Sidney allowed Evgeni to move closer, even though Evgeni knew he was hurt by him. Evgeni could hear Sidney’s heart beat, it echoed in his ears as his head lay on Sidney’s chest.

“I not want to like man.” said Evgeni softly, carefully waiting for Sidney’s response.

“But you do, Evgeni.” whispered Sidney. “You do, right?”

“Only you.”

Sidney let out a small, quiet laugh; Evgeni could also feel it echoing in his hearts along with the sound of his heartbeat.

“Then you can’t change that.” responded Sidney, his hand running back over Evgeni’s neck.

Evgeni shivered a little, allowing himself to move so that he was on top of Sidney, his head still laying on his chest.

“You scared me for a second, you know.”

“I sorry. Sergei scare me too.” confessed Evgeni, slipping his arms around Sidney tightly.

“Gonchar? Why, what’d he say?”

Evgeni felt his chest tightening, his sudden comfort lessening as he thought about his and Sergei’s conversation. He didn’t want to talk about this with Sidney, he couldn’t even carry this conversation in his head.

“You can tell me anything.” whispered Sidney into his ear, adding a gentle kiss to his forehead.

Evgeni stopped thinking for a second, letting all of his anger and embarrassment over his love for Sidney- love, he was calling it love now, great- flow out of his head. He liked this too much, he liked being in Sidney’s arms.

“Do you not like us doing more?” said Evgeni suddenly, peering up at Sidney’s face.

“Uh, Geno…” Sidney laughed a little. “I’m not quite sure what you mean by that.”

“You, Sidney, want us doing more?” Evgeni grimaced at the way his words stumbled out.

“More?” questioned Sidney.

Evgeni brought himself closer to Sidney’s face, leaning in to kiss him gently. It was only supposed to be a quick kiss, but Sidney held onto Evgeni, extending the kiss for what felt like several minutes, maybe hours, impossibly days.

“Evgeni,” Sidney sounded different, possibly nervous. Evgeni could tell when he sounded nervous lately because his voice went to what sounded like a few pitches higher than normal, “are you talking about… you know…”

Evgeni realized that Sidney must have caught on to what he was talking about, he was beginning to blush a little. He still held tightly onto his eye contact with Evgeni, smiling a little.

“Are you trying to get me to sleep with you?” asked Sidney, letting out a nervous laugh.

“No.” blurted Evgeni, his voice booming so loudly that he caused Sidney to jump a little.

Sidney looked a bit taken back by this. Evgeni frowned, realizing that Sergei was right, Sidney was expecting him to sleep with him. But it felt so soon, surely Sidney couldn’t be ready for that already?

“I know you’re scared, Geno, but so am I.” Sidney bit his lip, looking down at the awkward expression on Evgeni’s face. “I don’t want to do… that right now, but I’d like to think that someday you’d want to.”

Evgeni understood, mostly, what Sidney had said. He felt slightly more comfortable knowing that Sidney didn’t want to fuck him right then and there. He felt a bit better as Sidney began to smile at him again, hauling him closer to give him another quick kiss to his forehead.

“I want to, just… not yet.” Evgeni felt slightly surprised at how normal his sentence came out.

Sidney smiled, closing his eyes as he lay there with Evgeni snuggled into him. Evgeni watched, waiting for a response but he realized shortly that Sidney had fallen back to sleep. Evgeni hauled himself tighter to Sidney, gently pressing his lips to Sidney’s neck before closing his eyes and joining Sidney in sleeping.