I'm Not Okay (Thanks For Asking Though)

It all started at the party...

It was so stupid. It was a Friday night. The end of a long week of study, to mark the end of exams. I was sixteen and was hoping to drop out this year. I didn’t want to do much except become an artist and compose music. I wasn’t really good with anything else. Anyway, getting to the point…

A guy, I had a small crush on called Owen James, had invited me along with nearly everyone else in Junior Year. It was called ‘The End of School, Beginning of Happiness Ceremony’ and it was going to be the best thing ever. You see, the majority of us didn’t really want to finish school anyway and those who did weren’t invited.

The party was pumping at six o’clock. It was being held at his big, holiday mansion and the majority of the people were outside; half drunk and making out with each other. Either that or already collapsed on the ground. There was a lot of happy screaming and a lot of cheering; everyone waving bottles of alcohol around and then falling on their arses and laughing hysterically. In the middle of all the madness was a bonfire, and from what I saw, the burning material was all our study books.

I was greeted by a drunken Owen, who gave me a small hug and led me inside to the fairly large-sized kitchen where the floor was littered with bottles, cans and shards of glass.

“What taste do you go for? Vodka? Rum? Milky Liqueurs?” he asked me as he was standing by the fridge waiting for my answer. I hesitated. I had never been ‘drunk’ before and this was now my chance.

“Um…” my voice shook under the pressure of the guy I had a crush on was asking ME what alcohol I wanted to drink. “Rum and coke!” I replied quickly.

“Coming right up,” he answered as he opened the door and fished out a 3 litre bottle of Coca Cola from the fridge door. I had only just noticed that the kitchen was also connected to a large bar with about ten different alcoholic beverages hung upside down from the top of the bar’s beams.
Owen walked over to the bar and squeezed three shots of rum into my glass and then poured the coke over the top. I walked up to him and took the drink from his hands as he seemed to be stumbling with each step that he took. And that’s where our eyes met…

His beautiful, shiny, jade eyes were peering into mine and a small tingle flew up my back. I backed away quickly in shame and headed out to the mayhem outside.
I was suddenly greeted by my best friends, Kyle and Jess walking up to me, completely sober but laughing like mad.

“Tina!” cried Jess in glee as she ran up and clung onto me. She let go and then Kyle gave me a gentle wrap around the shoulders.

“Hey guys,” I replied trying to get over Jess’ bear hug.

“Nothin’ much. We got here about half an hour ago and we’ve had only one drink. Vodka Cruiser Twisty,” Jess giggled.

It was now about 10 o’clock and everyone was completely out of it, except Jess and Kyle who went home about two hours previous. I was half drunk. I still slurred my words and stumbled but I wasn’t hurling up my guts.
I had being drinking rum and coke and Vodka Cruiser Twists all night and I was now sitting in front of the bon fire and relaxing. I leant my head back but to my surprise, my head wasn’t lying on the hard, grassy ground as I thought it would be. It was like a soft, squishy pillow that seemed to move up and down.

I sat up quickly and turned around to notice that…

Oh no…

It was Owen. He was staring up at me and smiling along with half-closed, bloodshot eyes.

“It’s OK,” he reassured patting his flat stomach. I swung my head back around, trying to blush out of his sight.
I was just lying on Owen James.
My eyes suddenly widened when I felt a hand wrapping around my stomach and pulling me down. Before I knew it, I was lying right next to Owen. I quickly pulled myself up and unfortunately pulled him up with me. He got up on his feet and pulled me up onto mine. I was being led by the hand, to where I didn’t know.

We ended up beside the house where the area was still slightly illuminated by the bonfire’s harsh glow.
Owen gently pushed me up against the house’s wall with his body only inches away from mine. And that’s when it happened…

Owen lips were touching me and moving in a kissing motion. I responded with the same movements. We slowly stopped and I felt his gaze upon me.

“I really like you, Tina,” stated Owen in a drunken slur. I didn’t care if he was drunk or not. He just told me he liked me.

“Thanks,” I replied quietly. “I like you too.” I heard him give a little chuckle and then he gently kissed my neck.

“Do you want us to be together? Like, go out?” he asked with his face still buried in my neck. I tried not to giggle from excitement and also because he was tickling my neck with his lips.

“Yes. I’d like that very much,” I replied with a small amount of an exciting sigh.
I felt his hand move onto my arse and then began to slide up my T-shirt until his hands landed on the back of my bra. I shuddered.
This wasn’t supposed to happen!
I kept my cool and played along with it. But, he ended up unclipping it and slowly began sliding it off me and before I knew it, the bra was on the ground in front of me. I panicked and quickly pulled away.

By the glow of the fire I saw that Owen was smiling. He grabbed my wrist and we were once again out by the fire. He sat me down and pulled me down with him. He sat me down with me between his legs and his arms wrapped around my stomach.
I noticed that everyone was either asleep on the ground or inside watching some movie on the big, LCD, plasma screen. The music had stopped and it was just the soothing crackle of the fire and the laughter from inside.

I was suddenly pulled down and was lying with my back on Owen’s stomach. He suddenly began to slide his hands up the outside of my shirt and fastened his grip on my breasts; squeezing and rubbing gently. I rolled off and landed on my side with Owen beside me. He rolled over too and slid his hands up my shirt.

At that moment, I wanted desperately to get out. Just go home. I felt scared, unsure and most of all, exposed. I liked Owen James but this was going way too far. It was only about 10:30 at night and Mom had stayed up later than that before.
I had to say it.

“Owen, I want to go home, if that’s okay. I’m tired and it’s been a big day for all of us.” I should have bit my fucking tongue. He sat upright and stared into my eyes. There was a scowl on his face and you could tell he was pissed off by what I had just said.

“No girlfriend of mine has ever walked out on me. Especially during a party!” He snapped. He stood up and grabbed my wrist hard and practically dragged me over the wet grass and around the back of the house. There was a small trap door with a lock. He kicked off the rusty lock and ripped open the doors and dragged me inside.

We were inside and he hurled me down onto the cold, stone floor. I felt him pick me up by my breasts and he swung me around to face him. That’s when I noticed the little, red pocket knife in his hand with a small knife poking out.

“Please don’t hurt me!” I begged with tears of fright flooding my eyes. He grabbed the collar of my shirt and dragged the tiny blade down, ripping my shirt open to expose my bare breasts. I gasped in shock He grabbed my arse and thrust his body up against mine, gasping in ecstasy. I threw him off me and ran for the small, wooden opening where we had entered, but I was quickly stopped by being grabbed around the waist and being hurled up against the stone wall.
Suddenly there was a cloth over my mouth and then…

… Blackness…

I woke up, but as soon as I realised what situation I was in and where I was, I didn’t want to be awake.

Both my hands (which were behind my back) and feet were bound with a tight binding of duck tape with duck tape over my mouth. I looked down and to my horror, my underwear was around my ankles, my skirt was still on but unzipped and a warm embrace was fastened around my bare breasts. I saw that my yellow t-shirt was ripped and crumpled on the floor.

How am I going to get out of THIS? I thought to myself in panic. Owen was snoring softly beside me, groaning every now and then.
I darted my eyes around the room in desperation to find some aid to get me out of there.
There it was. The little, red pocket knife with the blade still sticking out. It was on a table which was only about two steps away from the bed I was lying on. I carefully began to swing my legs around off the bed, hoping I wouldn’t disturb my sleeping captor.

I noticed that it was really hard to move, taking miniature steps with your feet bound and there being no way to untie them because the only utensils that could untie anything for me was either gagged or bound behind my back with the tape wrapped around so tight that my hands felt numb. But, still, I inched on.

Tiny steps… tiny steps… there! I had reached the table and I was slowly inching my way around until my hands touched the knife. I fiddled and fumbled with the instrument, cutting myself with deep wounds all over my hands. I grimaced each time as the blade cut into my hands and with the circulation almost cut off to my hands made it a whole lot worse. The pain was excruciating along with the bonus of the fresh bruises throbbing all over my body, some I hadn’t felt at all that night.

I had managed to manoeuvre the little pocket knife into a position where the serrated edge was able to rub against the bound tying my wrists together.
I moved the little blade up and down repeatedly. Soon, I felt the tension ease.

Looser… looser… looser… I was free.

I swung my wrists to the front and rolled them around to get the feeling back into them and get the blood flowing again. I ripped the tape from across my mouth and then began to drag the blade repeatedly across the bound over my ankles.

That was completed and now my next task was to get out of there!
I pulled up my underwear, picked up my t-shirt and wrapped it around me before I headed for the little wooden opening; the only opening in the room.
I checked behind me to make sure that Owen wasn’t behind me with another round of chloroform. He wasn’t, thank God.

I gently pushed up the door and began to climb out. I was halfway up when I heard groaning from the bed. I looked around to notice that Owen was waking up. To my horror, I saw that he had noticed me leaving. Shit…

“Hey!” he boomed. I squealed in fright as I saw him jumping up from the bed half-naked and running for me. I scrambled out and immediately shut the door behind me just as I felt his finger tips touch my ankle. I heard he yell and curse in pain before a couple of thuds and one final thud to finalise his fall.

I stared at the door for a moment trying to overcome what had just happened before coming back to the real world.
It was dark with a soft glow from the almost dead fire. The ground was still littered with the drunk and sleeping. Some were half-naked, some fully naked. I didn’t care any more. I had to get out, go home and sedate myself. This was not to escape my mind; instead it was to haunt me for days to come because it was my fault to think that I was that lucky to begin with.

On the long walk home, I began to think. I began to question the feeling of love and to wonder if ‘love’ really existed in the modern world. I never doubted it before, but now, anything was able to be doubted.
I checked my watch to notice that the time was 4:15a.m. I had been unconscious for five hours and forty-five minutes.
What had he done to me? I began to wonder. Was I pregnant now? Was whatever considered ‘rape’? Did he really love me?

I broke into tears. I felt scared and alone. I had no money for a bus ticket. I felt half-naked and to make it worse, I was walking in junkie territory. The majority were asleep, but those who weren’t looked at me licked their lips and gestured sexually towards me. I didn’t dare make eye contact and kept walking, gradually picking up the pace the deeper I went into the junkies land.

Suddenly, I was confronted with a group of grotty, stoned men holding knives and licking their lips; their hands looking as though they were ready to grab something.

“Heya, pretty lady. What are you doing out so early, and with an outfit like that?” asked one of the junkies, never once taking his gaze away from my open t-shirt. I grabbed my t-shirt together.
I was suddenly grabbed around the throat and waist with one of the group’s breath on my neck…

I ended up making it home that morning, but it didn’t take away that I had been raped twice in one night. It was six in the morning. Mom was asleep on the couch.

I slumped up to the bathroom and filled the basin with water to the point it was nearly overflowing. I took a deep breath and dunked my head into the freezing cold water and held it down there until even after I had no breath left. This wasn’t going to get rid of the mental trauma, or the bruises, or the memories, but it sure as hell felt good.
I repeated the process over and over until I got sick of it and went to bed.

The next week, I secretly went for a pregnancy test. I bought one of those ‘Pees-And-See’ tests and sure enough, the little blue positive sign appeared. I burst into tears.
What the hell was I going to do now?

[End of Tina’s story]