Still Here

The front door quietly shut and I watched my brother leave. For good. I knew his intentions. He was going to kill himself. He had told me he was going to do it a week ago. No one else was aware of his planes. I thought it was a joke. Now, I knew he was dead serious. He had bought a gun from his drug dealer and was going to drive the half an hour trip to Camden to blast the bullet into his head, resulting in his immediate death. There was no stopping him. I knew this. I wanted to, though. He was the only friend I had. He's the only fried I ever had.

My life can be described with one word. And only one word. Fear. Fear that I would be shot walking to school. Fear that someone would hurt me. Fear of sleeping, because of my nightmares. Fear of the strangers that I saw everyday, but still did not know. Fear that my father would rape me. Fear that my mother would watch and not do anything. Fear of dying. Fear of someone taking my brother-my life- away from me.

Only, the last one became true. And the someone was himself. It had been a quiet night in the house. I was sitting silently in my bed staring at the ceiling, it staring back at me as well, willing me to leave the room. My brother, Ryan, opened my squeaking door and sat down on the edge of my bed.

"I'm leaving Sophie," he had said.

"Where you going?" I asked, as if it were nothing, which I thought it was.

"I'm leaving," he repeated, "and I'm not coming back." His face was cast down and shadowed by the hood over his head. His hands reached up around his neck and he unclasped the necklace around it. "Keep this for me. And don't lose it." I sat up quickly. He never took of his necklace. It was his prized possession.

"Ryan, what's going on? Why are you leaving?" I asked franticly. He attached the necklace around me and I looked down at it, feeling guilty for having it.

"I can't be here anymore. You know how worse and worse Dad's been treating me lately. I can't take this. It's pointless. He wants to kill me, but he's making it slow and painful and dragging it out over my entire life. There's no reason for me to be here. I'm sorry I'm leaving you like this." My eyes burned with fresh tears that were pushing down on my eyelids.

"B-but you can't just go. What will they do to me when you're gone!?"

"You know they like you better than me Sophie. I'm just there faggot fucked up son that can second as a fighting opponent." I had seen him and my Dad get into full out fist fights before. Ryan would fight back. He was strong, but not strong enough. Dad always won, ending up with Ryan look like his injuries were emergency room worthy.

"But what about Gerard?" Gerard. I knew his name would get his attention. They had been dating ever since the beginning of their freshman year. Gerard was Ryan's first and only boyfriend, or even girlfriend for that matter. They were immortally close. Like brothers, but even more. Thus making him like another brother to me. We had a small relationship, but it wasn’t enough for us to hold a complete conversation. Nervousness controlled my system whenever other people were around. "What will happen to him if you leave?"

“Will you tell him for me Sophie?” My eyes widened. He was really going through with this.

“You don’t have to do this. Things will get better!-“

“No. They won’t. I’ve only managed to stay here because of you.”

“Let me go with you.” The words escaped my mouth before I knew what I was saying.

“I need you to be safe. Please, promise me you will not become as weak as me and kill yourself.”

“You’re not weak! You’re the bravest person I know! The way you stand up to Dad like that I. . . . .I. . . Please don’t leave me here. Don’t. . . .” He finally raised his head, our eyes connecting instantly. His hollow and empty. Mine afraid and fragile.

"Forgive me for doing this to you. I'm truly sorry Sophie." He reached forward to hug me, and the salty tears burst from my eyes before we embraced. For the last time. The very last time.

-

-

It was the weekend, but I didn't get to sleep in. I never did. Dad had come into my room and dragged me out of bed. "Where is your brother!?!" He shouted in my face. He never used his real name. Always 'your brother' or 'the fag'. Never Ryan. Memories of last night trickled back into my head. I looked down at the silver necklace, the cross hanging delicately on my skin. My head shot up back to his.

"He's gone," I muttered, tears returning once again to my eyes, as they always did when my father was around.

"Gone where?" he said slowly enunciating, quickly growing impatient. I looked up at his face and was reminded of my brother. They looked so much alike, to my dismay. "Fuck, where did he go Sophie!!!?!!"

"He's gone home," I whispered. "He's at peace, not to be bothered by you ever again." A sharp pain slammed the side of my face, knocking my entire body back towards my bed. His foot was rammed into my stomach and pressed down onto my neck. "You're just as pathetic as he was." He released my neck and pulled me up by my hair. "But you will be of some use." My eyes bulged. He threw me back onto the carpet and slammed the door to my room.

I held my arms close to my body as the winter air nipped at my skin. I was wearing his jacket. Anything to make him feel close. My feet were leading me to the only home that had even remotely comforted me in my time. We used to spend the night there when we ‘got locked out’. My conscience had memorized the route for emergencies. I trudged up the red brick steps to the house and tapped lightly on the door. From fear that no one heard me, I knocked louder. An old man with graying hair unlocked the door and pulled it open, letting out a warm wave of air.

“Umm. . . Hi. Mr. Way?” I asked. Unsure if this was the correct residence.

“Yes. Can I help you?”

“Ye-ya. I’m Ryan’s little sister. I was wondering if Gerard is home.” My voice was quiet and shaking, fear taking over my thoughts, making me even more terrified of the situation I was in.

“He should be home in about ten minutes. You can wait inside if you want. I’m sure Mikey will keep you company.” I was about to pass up the offer, but another blow of Northern air hit my back and I nodded quietly. The man moved out of the doorway allowing my entry. “You can go on to Mikey’s room. Second door on the right,” he said, pointing down the hall. I muttered a small ‘thanks’ and watched him leave in the opposite direction. My gaze ran down the hall and stood at the door to the boy’s room. What was I doing here? Why am I- it’s for Ryan. This is what he wanted me to do. And I might as well get to know the other people he held dear. Slowly, I went up to the door. The brother of my own brother’s boyfriend of four years. I had seen him a few times, but had ever talked to him. I mentally pushed the thought out of my head and brought my hand up and knocked.

“Come in!” I heard him say. I turned the doorknob walked in and shut it quietly.

“Hi,” I said. He looked at my oddly.

“Hey Sophie. What are you doing here?” I played with the broken hem of Ryan’s jacket, willing myself not to crying again.

“I came to talk to Gerard. He. . . I. . .” Trailing off. Nervous habit of mine. I looked up at Mikey.

He sensed the fear in my eyes and asked, “Where’s Ryan?” I took the courage to speak quickly.

“I think Gerard should know first.” He stood up from the blue bed he had been sitting on and kneeled down in front of me.

“What happened? Is he okay?” My lip trembled, but I managed not to burst.

“Please. It’s already hard enough on me coming down here by myself. And-“

“Where’s Ryan?” he asked again, this time more sternly, which scared me. I backed up slowly. “Sophie, I’m not going to hurt you. I want to help you at the least. Whatever happened-“ The sound of a door slamming cut him off. “He’s home.” He ran out of the room and began shouting his brother’s name. I sat down on the ground, an uneasy feeling settling in my stomach. Seconds later, the boys came into the room.

“Sophie!” Gerard said. “SophieSophieSophieSophie,” he repeated quickly, crawling down onto the carpet next to me. “What happened to Ryan? Is he okay? Is he hurt?”

“Ryan’s not hurt.”

“Oh thank Go-“

“Ryan’s dead.”