Still Here

Gerard’s eyes closed and I watched as he sank lower into the ground.

“No,” he whispered. “NO! You’re Lying!!” He screamed, pointing his finger at me. “You BITCH, don’t LIE TO ME!!!”

“I’m not lying! He’s gone. He killed himself two nights ago. My father’s punishing me for it because he thinks it’s my fault, but it’s his own. He’s the reason Ryan’s dead!” Gerard stared at me, his teeth gritted together. I began to burst down crying. He growled.

“No! He’s still here. He has to be!” He ran from the room and out of the house, slamming the front door on his way. Another loud sob flew from my mouth as I crumpled down into a ball. My body shook from the violent thrashing of anger and sadness that it was doing. Mikey pulled both of his strong arms around me and lifted me up so I could cry into his shoulder.

“Why did he have to go?! Why did he have to leave me here to be alone!?” My words were muffled into his chest. He rubbed my hair and rocked me back and forth, not knowing words that could comfort me.

“I-it’s going to be okay,” he stuttered. I had to give him credit for trying. Mikey began to rub my arm slowly as I tried to calm myself down. There were footsteps coming down the hallway and I instantly straightened up and wiped away the tears from my face. Mikey’s mother entered the room.

“Is everything alright? I heard yelling and Gerard just flew off in his car.” Mikey looked to me, as if he was asking permission to tell her. I didn’t care. She would find out soon enough.

“Ryan is dead. He killed himself.” Donna’s hands flew up to her mouth and she came forward to embrace me. I stood up before she could reach me.

“I should go,” I spoke awkwardly.

“No ma’am. You are staying here with us. I’ll go make some tea. Mikey come bring her into the family room. You look cold sweetie. Would you like a blanket? Donald?! Call your son and tell him to come home!” Mikey lead me into the front room and sat me down on the couch. I stared blankly at the TV, hoping that it would distract me from all the now painful memories of Ryan and me when we were kids. My fingertips graced the silver cross on my neck as I held back another wave of tears coming on. I wrapped my arms around myself, holding his jacket close to me. For a few seconds I thought all of this wasn’t real. It sure as hell didn’t feel real. My eyes began to itch as I felt my leg jolt up and down, becoming more fidgety by the second. An uncomfortable feeling took over and I pulled my legs up close to my body and buried my head in my knees. Mikey pulled the blanket from the other side of the couch and wrapped it tightly around my body. This warmth could never replace the warmth and true comfort I felt when my brother hugged me. Everything reminded me of him. My eyes began to droop down with tears.

“It’s going to be okay,” Mikey muttered again. When? When will it be okay? When has my life ever been okay? I nodded though, hoping he would say nothing more.

“He won’t pick up his phone,” Mr. Way told his wife in their kitchen. My head shot over to Mikey, a worried look on both of our faces. We both didn’t know eachother very well, but we knew Gerard. Afraid for the worst, I shot up from the couch and ran from the room.

“Sophie, wait!” I heard Mikey call after me. I didn’t look back. As I opened the front door, the cold air entered my lungs, aiding the small amount of adrenaline that had entered my veins.

“Get your keys.”

.:Gerard’s POV:.

I shuffled through all the keys that I had, looking for the extra one Ryan had given me to the back door of his house. He had one to mine as well in case we ever were having a rough night, and talking on the phone wasn’t enough. Over the years, I have spent numerous nights at this house. He would meet me at the door and he would help me up to his room where we would talk until we both fell asleep. Sometimes Sophie would be in there too. Most of the time, Ryan would fall asleep first so Sophie and I would stay up later and continue the conversations.

But that wasn’t the reason why I was here now. I jabbed the unlocking device into the door and turned it to unlock the door before quickly barging in.

“What the hell?” I heard someone say somewhere in the back. Instantly, I ran through the kitchen, the living room, and bound up the stairs. He had to be here. She was just exaggerating. There is no way he would just leave me like that without telling me. He loved me. We told each other everything. We-

“What the fuck are you doing here fag?! Get the fuck out of my house!!” It was his dad. He never liked me. He thinks I turned his son gay, but the truth is we just loved each other. And you can’t help who you love. It’s an uncontrollable feeling. I turned around slowly, not caring what would happen the next few minutes. All I wanted was to know where Ryan was. “I said, get the fuck out!!!” He shouted once more. My fists clenched up at my side as I squinted my eyes at him. Pure malice filled the air between us. I breathed in the poison, the hostile impulse distributing throughout my entire being.

“Where is he?” I said slowly, smothering my desire to tear out his veins and use them as a noose to suffocate the motherfucker. A smirk graced the asshole’s thin lips.

“He killed himself. I’m glad he did too. Never thought he had the guts to do it though. But he finally listened to me. His life was pointless. In my opinion, you should join him.” He laughed to himself. I couldn’t take it anymore. My body lunged straight at him. I grabbed at his head and started pulling at his hair while my other hand dug a hole into his shoulder. But I wasn’t strong enough. He took my arm by both of his hands and pulled me backwards down the stairs. As my body hit each step, I yelled out in pain. I tried to grab something to stop from going any further, but my arm just hit the slick walls. “You pussies are a disgrace to us real men. God really fucked up big time when he made you.” His left foot collided with my chin as he pushed me farther into the entry way. I laid on my back, not wanting to move as I awaited the excruciating pain that was most likely to come. “Go get me a bat babe.” I looked towards the door and saw Mrs. Holden. She just looked at me and nodded. She fucking nodded. I always knew these people didn’t have a heart. He was going to break me. She was going to watch. She was actually going to be a witness to her husband break me into a billion goddamn pieces!

He was actually gone. Sophie wasn’t lying. They had made his life so agonizingly miserable that he killed himself. Did he not care? Did he not care that he was leaving me behind? I could have fucking helped him! I could have talked him out of it. “Everything will be okay. I’m here and I’m not going to ever leave you no matter what.” Would that not be enough? It had before, all the other times. And now I would be forced to go on without him. Ryan had told me once that we were going to grow old together. He had explained in detail that we were going to adopt three kids, two boys and a girl. He had driven me to the house he said we were going to live in, a nice one story house with a swing in the yard and a red front door. He had sketched it all out in his head, and it was perfect in every way, just like him. But everything was shoved aside. Apparently, it didn’t matter anymore to him. He wanted out. He wanted to escape. He had left me behind. He had left all of us behind. What happens now?

“Stay still so I can knock you out in one blow.” I looked up for a second before I saw a wooden bat collide with my face. I screamed. Blood spewed out of my nose which had crashed against my face. I shut my eyes tight, bringing my hands up to my head, trying my best to hold it together, but to no avail. I felt a tingly sensation on my forehead and fingertips. I attempted to open my eyes, but they would not allow it. A whimper escaped my lips before I just gave up and layed there, hoping he would assume I was dead and maybe, just maybe, his thoughts would come true so that me and my love could reunite. But things never went my way. Mr. Holden dragged me by my feet out of the back door and left me in the backyard. “If you can still here me, and if you ever wake up, tell Sophie to come get her stuff tonight while we are out. And if I ever see any of you ever again, I swear to God, you will regret ever knowing this family.”

The door slammed, and I started bawling.

Right then and there, I knew my life would never be the same.