Lots of Love, Mike

1st February 1993

"Hey little man," said Stella coming into the kitchen. "Just look at this huge parcel that has arrived just for you, its come all the way from America," she said.

Ryan was sitting in his high chair and kicking his legs excitedly. He was eating toast and had butter all around his face.

Stella wiped his face with a baby wipe and sat next to him.

"Would you like some toast Stella?" asked her mother.

"No thanks Mum," said Stella making funny faces at Ryan who was smiling a buttery grin.

"I cannot believe he is one today," said Stella's mum.

"Neither can I." One year ago I was in America with everyone and Tre was with me and he watched me give birth she thought.

"Aren't you going to open it?" said Stella's mum nodding at the parcel and bringing over two mugs of tea.

"In a while, he's got so many presents to open, everyone is so kind. Michelle gave him three presents; she's so good to us."

"She's lovely, is she coming over later to sing Happy Birthday to our little soldier?" said Stella's mum.

"I'm sure she wouldn't miss it for the world," said Stella thinking about her good friend who had helped her with so much over the past year.

"Does she still mention about you, Ryan and her going to live in America?" said Stella's mum.

"Sometimes, but not recently."

"You should go," said Stella's mum.

Stella looked up quickly. "How can I mum? I can't leave you; I'd hardly see you."

"Yes I know but I can visit. I was thinking of selling the house and getting something smaller just for me and...well I'll have spare money and could make a visit every six months or so. You should go Stella, I know how much you like it there and you have those wonderful friends there. I know you'd be in safe hands and if Michelle goes too, well..."

"I don't know mum, I shall have to think about it. Hey little man," said Stella lifting up Ryan out of his high chair. "Shall we go through to the living room and open all those wonderful gifts you spoilt monkey."

Stella's mum picked up the parcel from America and they went to the living room.

* * *

"Oh my god we'll have to move to a BIGGER house at this rate," said Stella's mum looking about her at all the gifts that Ryan had got for his birthday.

Stella laughed.

"And we've still got this one," said Stella opening the American parcel.

Out dropped a bundle of cards, one huge parcel and two letters, one in the familiar writing she loved so much, Mikes and one in a more elaborate writing, Tre's.

She opened the cards and there were different cards from them all, one from Mike and Ana, one from Billie and Adi, one from Tre and there was one from Jason White too. Stella's mum went over and put them on the window ledge. The parcel contained some pajamas, which had a picture of a huge tiger on the front and a little hat and scarf with tiger stripes. They all called him tiger now; Tre's nickname had stuck.

"He's loved by so many people," Stella's mum said so proud that all these people had sent cards to her little handsome grandson.

The letters were sitting there unopened but Stella's mum didn't mention them. She knew that Stella always took them away to read in private where she could really concentrate on them. She thought back to when Stella was younger when she used to run upstairs as soon as they'd arrived, and would hardly be in the door from school asking if Mike's letter's had come.

Now she took her time. The letters would wait until evening if they had to as long as Stella had her 'quiet moment' alone to read them. Now Ryan was about she couldn't just rush off upstairs as and when.

Stella was looking tired lately and her mum really wished that she would slow down. She was working hard at the photo studio, sometimes at weekends then getting up during the night with Ryan, it was taking its toll. She could help but not all the time and Michelle sometimes came over to baby-sit so that Stella could do some things. She'd thought long and hard about Stella going to go to America and she'd decided that it was something that Stella should do. She didn't want to get in her way. She had her own friends at the over 60s club. They were good to her, she didn't want to be selfish, and she wanted Stella to enjoy her life.

That night...

Dear Stella

I cannot believe that Ryan is one. We were talking about it the other day. It has gone so fast this past year and so much has happened to us. We've started putting together some songs to go on this new album. Yes we're definitely going to go with this guy Rob Cavallo. He has some good ideas and has helped us a lot. Billie has got some amazing stuff to go onto the album. If it becomes a success Billie and I are going to buy separate houses and I've asked Ana to come and live with me there, just the two of us. Billie and Adi could do with some privacy too; they are so close its untrue. I think they'll get married one day. All they go on about is having kids together. They'd make great parents.

Is Ryan having a party? Sing Happy Birthday to him Green Day style won't you Stella. I know you said he is our number one fan and loves listening to Kerplunk! Do you still play it to him to get him to sleep? How strange? How many one year olds go to sleep listening to Kerplunk! Not many, I bet.

Ana and Adi often go into baby shops now and look at the baby clothes and toys. They're always cooing over little babies in prams. I hope they're not going to get too broody. Ana actually asked me the other day if I wanted children. I must admit when Ryan was living here I was a little nervous of him but I think when it is your own baby it's different. I'd love to have children one day with the right woman. Can you see me as a father? Ana says she can.

Anyway Stella, make sure that little boy has a great birthday, I'm sure you will and please send us some photographs of him. I bet he has changed since the Christmas shots.

Write soon

Love from

Mike x

I think you'd make a great father too Mike and I'm sure you'll be fine with your own. I just wish that you'd given Ryan a proper hug when you were with him. You may not get the opportunity again.

She sighed and thought about Ana and Mike together. She sometimes wondered that if she'd stayed in America that very first time when her and Jess went over what would have happened. If they'd stayed and not bothered coming back, would Jessie still be with Billie and would Mike and her be together? Would they all have children? Would they be married? Who knew...if only's...the world was full of them.

She put Mike's letter into her scrapbook. This was her 5th scrapbook, full of all sorts of things that she'd received from America. Four of them had been put away in the attic and she could hardly remember some of the letters that Mike had written over the years. They had written now for ten years and so much had happened in that time. What would happen over the next ten years? They would be thirty then. What would she be doing in ten years time? She shook her head then and picked up Tre's letter.

Little butterfly,

How are you and the tiger? It's been a year...a year ago I was watching you hatch out little tiger and I can't get it from my mind. Did I ever tell you it was a marvellous experience? I sometimes tell people that I've seen a baby being born but they're not really interested. They ask if it was my kid and when I say no, they can't work it out. I can't be bothered to explain so I just let them wonder, but I'll never forget the experience.

We've been busy working on this new album but Rob seems to think it may be another year before it comes out. That's fine though, we don't mind, we've been given some money to live on while we work on it and we want it to be perfect of course. Some of the songs on it are just, well I can't tell you Stella its so exciting for us. You'll be the first to receive a copy and of course you'll be the first person we contact in England when we tour.

Mike and Ana are well loved up and so are Billie and Adi. Its all baby talk and houses and couply things, it pisses me off sometimes. Don't get me wrong, I love them but when you're the only single guy you sometimes feel a little left out. I've dated a couple of times but there is this girl called Lisea who I quite like. I'm thinking about asking her on a date. You know she reminds me a little of you, all the guys like her and she kind of gets my jokes like you do.

Give tiger a huge hug and kiss from his Uncle Tre and send some photos of the little dude and I've got an idea for his second birthday. He needs a set of drums in his life and that's what he's getting - I can just see you rolling your eyes - he needs music in his life woman!

How are you anyway? I hope you're not run off your feet because being a beautiful mom and all must take its toll but I'm sure you can cope with it all. You're like that aren't you?

Take care butterfly and take care of tiger, I can't wait to see you both whenever that will be.

Lots of Love

Tre x

Stella put the letter down smiling. Tre never failed to bring a smile to her face and she was glad that he had finally met someone that he feels like taking something further with, not just the odd girl for a bit of the 'other' as he'd often written to her about over the past year. It sounds like they're all fine and happy and settled and in love. Stella looked across at Ryan's cot over by the window with the mobile hanging from it. It was a mobile with zoo creatures that had been sent from America at Christmas. One of the animals was a tiger and someone had written Ryan on the tiger. She knew the writing, it was Tre and she was quite sure that he had chosen the gift.

Stella suddenly sighed thinking about her life here with her mother and Ryan. Everything revolved round work and looking after Ryan and that was it. She never had time to herself. How on earth was she ever going to meet someone? Would she ever be in love? Had she ever been in love? She loved Mike, always had but was it real? Realistically speaking she knew that nothing would come of it. Then they had met up they couldn't ever quite get it together. Their best relationship was by letter and that thought Stella was probably all it would ever be.

She thought then about what her mother had said about going to America. Could she leave and take Ryan with her? She so wanted to but she felt guilty leaving her mother. She'd have to have a good long hard think about it.

* * *

Michelle and Stella were having a night out. Stella's mum was looking after Ryan and they decided to go out for a drink at the local pub.

"You should go you know," said Michelle. "Life is better out there, it would be better for Ryan, the climate and everything," she said.

"I know, I feel guilty about mum though,"

"But she's told you to go, she's right, mums know best after all," she said. "She'll come and visit and you can visit back. Everyone you love is out there Stella, Adi and Ana are there; they'll help with Ryan, especially if the guys are busy in the studio. We'd all be there with you."

"I'm tempted," said Stella sipping her drink.

"Then do it," said Michelle, she wasn't going to let up here.

"Shall I?" said Stella her eyes all sparkly with thoughts of America.

"God yes," said Michelle. "Are you finally coming to your senses?" she laughed.

"I think so. May be I'll get together with Mike after all if I go," said Stella swilling her drink around.

"Oh Stella be real, Mike can't be interested, you've never quite got it together and he has Ana."

"I know," said Stella trying to be realistic.

"He's such a good friend, I don't think there would be anything more?" said Michelle.

"I know you're right," said Stella sighing.

"Why do you still think of him in that way?" asked Michelle.

"Because...because I've known him for so long and we've shared so much," said Stella.

"Yes but only by letter," replied Michelle.

"We used to tell each other everything," said Stella sadly.

"Used to?" questioned Michelle.

"Yeah he doesn't tell me as much now," Stella said.

"That's because he has Ana," said Michelle.

"I know. I think I love him," Stella whispered.

"I don't think you do," said Michelle, trying not to hurt her friend's feelings. "Anyway he's taken and that's that. Accept it Stella, move on and find someone else that will love you back."

"It'll take a lot of arranging if we were to go to America," Stella said.

"Of course it will. You'd be emigrating," said Michelle smiling.

"I'm going to do it Michelle. Do you want to do it?" she said excitedly.

"I'll do it," said Michelle.

"That's it then. We're going to America. For good," said Stella draining her glass.

* * *

Stella's mum was in the kitchen with Michelle while Stella bathed Ryan.

"It's about time she came to her senses," said her mum. "Our plan worked."

"Yes but she's still worried about you," said Michelle.

"I know, that's Stella, always thinking of others before herself. I'm glad she's putting herself first for once," said Stella's mother.

"So am I." said Michelle.

"So what arrangements have you made and have you told the guys yet."

"Not yet."

"I think Stella is writing to them this evening when Ryan is in bed," said Michelle.

"She can always call you know," said Stella's mother.

"Yeah but she says its expensive and...well she's always liked writing to Mike."

"Michelle? How much does she like Mike?"

Michelle hesitated

"Actually...I shouldn't be saying this but...she thinks she loves him."

"Oh dear, he has Ana though doesn't he," said Stella's mother but she kind of knew about her daughter's feelings for Mike.

"He does and it looks as though they're quite settled," said Michelle.

"Does Stella not realise this?"

"She does and she doesn't. They have a wonderful relationship when they write to each other its just when they meet up I think its different for them and its not as easy to be so open."

"Oh Michelle I hope she doesn't get hurt," said Stella's mother.

"No I think she's sensible. I have had a word with her and told her to try and forget Mike in that way, especially if we're living out there. He has Ana and they are good together."

"They're such lovely people," said Stella's mother.

"They are," said Michelle without hesitating.

April 1993

Dear Mike

Guess what? Ryan, Michelle and I have made a decision. We are coming out to America to live.

I have my mother's blessing and she is going to visit us as often as she can. We are all so very excited.

We hope to be out there in about September. We have some things to sort out here. Mum is selling the house and she is giving Ryan and me some money from it for our flights. Then Michelle and I are going to rent an apartment in America while we look for work. I shall need to get somebody to look after Ryan while I work so I might need Adi and Ana's advice about getting some child care information.

Oh my god Mike I am so excited and can't stop thinking about it. In five months we will all be out there for good.

Lots of Love

Stella x

They were all sitting round having a beer listening to some music together and passing Stella's letter around as usual.

"Let's see," said Tre taking the letter and reading it, his heart lifting. She was coming out to them, coming out for good and he couldn't wait to see her and little tiger again.

Lisea was sitting next to him and noticed the change in him when he read the letter.

"Who is she?" she asked

"Stella, Stella from England and she has a little boy called Ryan. He's just over one and he's gorgeous," said Tre. "I saw him being born."

"Oh," said Lisea jealously. Who was this girl?

They had been going out for a couple of months and she'd fallen for Tre big time. She'd liked him for ages, had watched him play quite a few times and he'd never seemed to notice her. Then when they actually got to speak he said she reminded him of someone but she never ever got to find out who.

He'd asked her out that night and they'd been together ever since. He was wonderful and kind and funny. She didn't always get his jokes but she pretended and laughed along anyway. Sometimes she was embarrassed by him and she hadn't introduced him to her parents yet. They wouldn't understand him. He was so handsome, though sometimes he acted stupid and she wished he didn't. Sometimes she felt she put up with his antics because she loved him in other ways. He was kind hearted and he was...well he was good in bed. She blushed to herself thinking about what he'd shown her.

She wondered who this girl Stella was. Then realised that it must be the English girl that they often spoke so kindly about. She thought she'd heard something somewhere about Billie being engaged to some English girl and her dying, but nobody around Berkeley seemed to know what really happened. If it happened they certainly kept it quiet and she didn't want to ask. She didn't believe it anyway, it was probably just a rumour.

* * *

Tre lay with Lisea in his arms that night but was thinking about Stella and felt guilty. He did love Lisea but the first thing that attracted him to her was that she looked like Stella. Stella who he couldn't get out of his system even though he had this beautiful girl in his arms and now she was coming back and he didn't know what was going to happen. All he knew was that he couldn't wait to see her and Ryan again. Just five months to go.

* * *

Mike was in the kitchen again because he couldn't sleep. Stella was coming, coming for good and he was so pleased but apprehensive at the same time. He loved Stella but not a passionate love. He did think once upon a time that they may get it together but he thought differently now. He had to, he had Ana didn't he? Him and Stella wouldn't stand a chance. They communicated easier by letter but that would stop as soon as she came over and he knew he wasn't that good in her company. He'd stopped telling her his secret thoughts because of Ana. He'd feel guilty explaining certain things to Stella. He just hoped that when she came out to America, everything would work out OK and he wouldn't get distracted from Ana. He'd made the choice ages ago and he was going to stick by it.

* * *

"Just two weeks to go," said Michelle.

"Yes I know," said Stella into the phone.

"Isn't it a squash at your mother's new house?" asked Michelle.

"A little but it won't be for long will it?" Stella said.

"How is your mother?" said Michelle. She liked Stella's mother and had lots of time for her.

"Oh she's so forgetful lately and she sometimes doesn't know what day of the week it is. I think she's getting a little too old to look after Ryan for me all day long for weeks at time so it will be easier when we've gone. She just goes round like a zombie all the time, she must be so tired."

"Yes when you've gone she can have a nice break and get to see her friends from the over 60s again," laughed Michelle.

"Please put me to sleep if I ever want to join a club like that," said Stella

"I will," laughed Michelle.

"See you tomorrow, I'll get the tickets over to you and then we can get some of our stuff organised into storage for the trip. I've got so many toys of Ryan's I don't know what I'm going to do with them," she said.

"We can get them shipped out later," said Michelle.

"Good idea," said Stella. "Bye."

A few days later...

Stella was worried. Her mother went out hours ago and she was never shopping in the town for long, two hours at the most. She hated spending too much time as the crowds got to her. She'd left just after lunchtime at 1pm with Ryan so that Stella could get the last minute things organised for their trip in two days.

She checked her watch and started pacing. It was almost 5pm; the shops would be closing soon. This was so unlike her mother and Ryan would be getting hungry, he always ate at 5pm. She looked out the window. It had started raining and she knew that they didn't have umbrellas or raincoats. Shit, where were they?

She'd decided before her trip that she was going to buy one of those new mobile phone things that were starting to become popular. They were a little expensive but it would be worth it, especially when she was in America. She would go and get one tomorrow.

Just then the phone rang and Stella anxiously ran to it.

"Hello?" she said into the phone.

"Is that Stella Williams?" said a voice.

"Yes, it is, this is Stella Williams speaking," she said. Who was this?

"Stella my name is Nurse Jones from the local hospital. There has been an incident and you need to come in..."