Lots of Love, Mike

It was Sunday June the 19th 2005. The sun was shining, the sky was blue and there were fluffy white clouds everywhere. Ryan was excited and all seemed fine but inside Stella was apprehensive. She was finally taking Jessica to meet them all and to meet her father. They all knew about Jessica now but hadn’t spoken since she saw them in February, they’d been so very very busy, they were everywhere at the moment. This was make or break with them and she knew it.

Michelle had contacted her only just yesterday to say that they had all seen the letter now. Stella blushed thinking about the letter and what was said in it but Michelle had insisted that everyone was fine about it, that they understood why she did it.

Stella wasn’t quite convinced though. It would be different when she saw them; she would be able to judge their reactions. She was excited, no doubt about it. She loved meeting up with them, just loved them, always would but now would be the time to discover what they really felt about her. No she knew they cared about her, very much. She knew that but she kind of felt that she’d let their friendship down and she felt so dreadful about it.

“You look gorgeous mum,” said Ryan standing in the hallway looking at his mum walk down the stairs.

“You don’t look too bad yourself sweetheart,” said Stella. He was absolutely gorgeous and he looked so grown up. He’d grown up into a wonderful young man.

“Doesn’t Jess look cute too,” said Ryan.

“She always does,” said Stella. Just like her father, very cute indeed. She was taking Sophie with them to the concert at Milton Keynes as it had said on the ticket that Ryan could bring someone. Stella thought if she took Sophie with them then she could watch Jessica while she spoke to all her friends in private.

Stella had decided to drive to the venue, it would take a couple of hours or so but she didn’t mind and that way she could take lots of things that she needed for Jessica. The traffic was awful and the nearer she got to the venue the traffic got worse. She was just pulling into the venue, the support bands had already started and she was a little disappointed for Ryan to have missed one or two. He was desperate to see Taking Back Sunday so hopefully they could catch them before Green Day went on.

Pulling up a guy asked her for her tickets. She got them out of her purse and he immediately led her through to the back stage area where there were loads of coaches and vans parked up, tour buses and lots of equipment, thick wires snaked around on the ground. She parked easily but she knew that she was at least two hours late and felt flustered all of a sudden.

A security guard came up to her and told her which way to go. She felt nervous and her hands were clammy. Passing the ladies toilets she just told Ryan to stay outside for a moment while she tidied herself.

Looking in the mirror she didn’t look as bad as she felt. She put on a little make up, brushed her hair through and checked herself once more.

When she emerged Ryan was still standing there.

“Come on Mom I want to go and listen to Taking Back Sunday,” Ryan said in a sulky voice.

“Hey Stella!” she heard. It was Jason White coming towards her. “You’re looking good,” said Jason looking her up and down. “And Ryan, good to see you again dude, you enjoyed the February show didn’t you?” Jason was great, one of the guys, totally.

“Yeah but I want to watch Taking Back Sunday,” said Ryan.

“Come with me then, stand with me and we’ll watch them together,” said Jason. “He’ll be OK with me, the guys should be starting their warm up soon but I think they’re in that room there,” he said pointing to a room with a green door. He hasn’t even noticed Sophie and Jessica, probably not aware that I’ve even got another child. He obviously didn’t get to read the letter then Stella thought to herself.

Walking apprehensively towards the room with the green door, Jessica started whining and kicking her legs out.

“Its OK Stella,” said Sophie. “I’ll take her over there while you see the guys. I can get her a drink and a sandwich.”

”Well I’ll be in there if you need me,” said Stella pointing towards the green door.

“That’s fine,” said Sophie taking the wining Jessica away.

Stella felt sick. This was ridiculous; she loved these guys, knew them so well and had known them for years now. Why was she nervous? Because she was seeing him again and he knew about their child together. How was he going to react?

Nervously Stella put her hand out onto the handle and entered the room.

There they all were, sitting at a table, Billie, Adrienne, Michelle, Mike and Tre just sitting staring at her with blank expressions on their faces. It was obvious that they had been talking about her. Nobody said a word. Stella felt sick; she turned and left the room.

**

It was hot outside so she stood in the shade, slightly out of the way. She brushed aside her tears feeling foolish and wished she had never come. She wished she’d just forgot she was ever involved with these guys at all. They were so famous now, they didn’t need anyone like her causing them trouble, she should have stayed away, got on with her life and let them get on with theirs.

“Hey Stella,” said a voice that she recognised. It was Michelle and standing next to her, Adrienne. They came to her. Michelle grabbed her and just held her tight against her.

“It’s OK,” said Michelle.

“But… you were all looking at me in a weird way,” said Stella.

“Oh Stella, it wasn’t because we were talking about you or anything. We’d just had some bad news that’s all. One of the guys doing the rigging was taken ill yesterday with headaches and he died in hospital this morning. We were talking about him and it was a sorrowful moment that’s all sweetheart. It is father’s day here too remember and… the guy had a couple of kids.”

“God how selfish I am. You were talking about some guy that has just died and I think you’re talking about me.. Stella. As selfish as ever.”

“You’ll never be selfish,” said Adi coming and putting her arm around Stella. “Never.”

“Anyway, we were getting worried about you, you should have been here two hours ago,” said Michelle.

“I know, the traffic was awful, just awful.”

“Well you’re here now. You can leave your car here overnight and come back to the hotel with us on the bus, it’s all been arranged. The guys did it for you, they insisted.”

“You’ve arranged that for me?” said Stella to Adrienne.

“Of course they have,” said Adi. “What do you take them for? You’re they’re Stella, they love you and would do anything for you,” she said. “How long have you known them now? Longer than any of us. Don’t underestimate them Stella. They love you, you’re a part of them.”

Suddenly a guy comes over to them.

“I know who you are,” said Stella half laughing and crying, you’re Ron. You look so much like Mike.”

They all laughed then and Adrienne got out a tissue and wiped Stella’s face. “Come on, if we’re lucky we may catch the guys before they go on.”

But they didn’t. Stella sat with Ryan, Adrienne, Michelle, Ron, Sophie and little Jessica at the side of the stage. Adrienne and Michelle were talking to little Jessica for ages and kept saying “my god she is so like him.” Stella just rolled her eyes. She loved those two, always would but she was still apprehensive. She had to speak to him soon.

Suddenly the place falls quiet and Stella looks out into the crowd. Hundreds of flickering lighters and mobile phones light up the crowd and Billie sang his heart out to Wake Me Up When September Ends. Everybody was mesmerized. Quite near to the end of the song Billie visibly gets upset and his eyes closed as if fighting the tears. Stella noticed Adrienne get upset also.

“Poor Billie, it’s been an emotional day for him singing that song and it being father’s day…” she sniffed.

Stella put her arm around Adrienne then. As she did so she glanced over at Sophie who was pushing Jessica back and forth in her buggy. Jessica was sound asleep.

”You look tired Sophie,” said Michelle. “Come here, why don’t you lay down in one of the back rooms?” She walked away with Sophie and Stella watched them disappear behind a door, the room next door to the room they were all sitting around earlier, the one with the green door.

While Billie sung his heart out to Good Riddance she noticed Tre and Mike on the opposite side of the stage waiting to go back on and take their final bow. She didn’t know if they’d seen her. Her stomach was in knots all of a sudden.

“Excuse me a minute I need to get myself a drink,” said Stella leaving them and going into the room with the green door. It was like a rest room, tables, chairs, a couple of sofas, a TV with a playstation, a fridge that contained crisps and some food laid out for the guys for when the came offstage.

She could hear the sound of loud fireworks overhead and smiled. That was probably a spectacular sight she thought but not bothering to go and look at them. Grabbing a can of drink out of the fridge she pulled the ring tab and took a gulp. She felt hot and bothered all of a sudden and held the cold can of drink to her cheek.

She must have stood there for a good ten minutes, lost in her own thoughts and sipping at the drink.

“Hey.” Said a voice. It was Billie. He comes over for a hug, his black shirt is wide open and he is dripping with sweat but she doesn’t care and neither does he.

“You’re looking great,” said Billie going to grab a beer from the fridge.

“Billie it was an awesome show, I’ve never seen anything like it before. You guys are amazing.” Stella said and they were. She was so proud of them and thought back to their early days when they’d played at the Gilman, those great days when they were so enthusiastic and lively. Actually they were still enthusiastic and lively she thought and they probably always would be.

“Please,” said Billie, “tell me more,” he said his eyes lighting up. They were bright green surrounded by smudged black eyeliner. Stella smiled to herself as he hadn’t always worn eyeliner only during this American Idiot tour.

“All those twinkling lighters and mobile phones, I’m not surprised you got emotional singing your song,” Stella said to him. Billie looked away.

“You know what date it is don’t you Stella?” Billie said looking at her.

“Yes Billie I know. Its father’s day,” she said feeling for him, feeling his loss.

“Yes and the other date?” Billie said, raising his eyebrows.

“What do you mean?” she said frowning.

“Stella it’s the 19th June. It’s the anniversary of… it’s the day Jess died,” he said looking down.

He still thinks of her.

“How could I forget,” she said shocked at herself. “No, wrong I hadn’t forgotten it’s on my calendar and I usually buy a bunch of white roses to put out for her but this year, I’ve had a lot on my mind.”

“I know you have.” Said Billie.

“So you still think of Jess then?” asked Stella.

This time Billie looked directly into her eyes.

“Of course I do, I loved her Stella, I loved her with all my heart and we were going to spend the rest of our lives together, why would I not think of her?. Adi understands now because I love her and my boys more than life itself. I still think of Jess but you know what,” he said reaching into his shirt and bringing out the chain with the ‘J’ on it. “I feel its time that I can take this chain off now. Its time to take it off and may be pass it on to someone else, I’d like to give it to Jessie’s namesake.”

“My Jessica?” Stella said to him.

“Of course your Jessica,” he said taking off the chain. He kissed the ‘J’ gently and passing it to Stella, he had a slight tear in his eye as he did so. She took it from him and quickly put it into her purse for safekeeping.

“Fuck, Jessica looks like him so very much, like twins 30-odd years apart,” said Billie.

“I know.” She glanced away then, ashamed. Billie was being so kind, he hadn’t judged her at all.

The door opened and in came Adi, Michelle and Ron.

“Jessie’s asleep,” said Adrienne, “and so is Sophie.”

“Jessie’s here?” said Billie looking excited all of a sudden.

He’s just played to his hugest crowd, had it filmed and he looks more excited about meeting my little girl thought Stella. Of course he would be excited, why wouldn’t he be? I’ve known him as long as I’ve known Mike, more than anyone else has known each other in this room; I was stupid to underestimate that. We do go back a long way, all of us, all four of us. They were my life and I hoped they always would be.

”Yes, she’s here and Sophie is my neighbour’s daughter, she is here too, taking care of Jessie so I can chat a little to you guys, anyway, where’s Ryan?” said Stella.

“He’s with Jason, he’s showing him the stage now the venue is clearing away. He’s had a great time.” Said Michelle.

“I know, but he’s a bit mesmerized by it all.” Said Stella.

Then the door slowly opened and in he came.

Mike.