Loving You From The Past

Two months of me waiting by the phone.
Two months of me crying in the bed.
Two months of me being absolutely ridiculous.
Two months of me throwing up.
Two months of me growing a baby inside my stomach.

My baby.
My precious little child.
My pure innocent life.

Three pregnancy tests.
Three times I punched the floor.
Three times I cried my eyes out.
Three times I stared at the little plus.

Until I finally wrapped my arms
around my flat stomach.

And believed for the first time.
That there was something inside me.
With the possibility of being mixed with
Gerard or Sam.

I say Sam.
I say Gerard.
I say No.
I say Yes.
I say Sam again.
I say Gerard again.
I say impossible.

I know its Gerard's.

Because the baby already knew I screwed up.
Because the baby could feel Gerard's love all around her/him.
Because the baby happened because of my stupid love for Gerard.

I couldn't tell Sam it was Gerard's.

Told him simply, "I'm pregant.'
He cried out in happiness.
Thinking it was his.

When he cried out in happiness.
I cried out in sorrow.

Because Sam will find out I cheated on him.

It may not be today.
But it will be someday.
And I didn't want to be responsible.
For breaking Gerard's, my child's, and Sam's heart.

I can't do anything right.
Without hurting someone.