Loving You From The Past

I felt two arms pick me up
and wrap me to his chest.
I grabbed his shirt as tight
as I could to cry into his clothes.

And I cried.
All I could do was cry.
All I know of was to cry.
All I wanted to do was cry.

He brushed my hair with his fingers.
Rubbed my back into a slow circular pattern.
Whispers sweet delicate words to my ears.

I shook my head.
I shook my head as hard as I could.

And tried to get away from him.
Because he is hurting me.
And I can't stand pain.

But he holds onto me so tight.
And I feel secured and locked away.

"Gerard. Gerard. Gerard. Gerard,"
I keep repeating his name.

He shush me down.
I refuse.

"Please tell me why you keep doing this to me,"
I say to him.

He sighed.
Take a deep breath.
Continues to hold me.
Rubbing his hands on my back.

I take his hands.
Feel his touch with mine.
Getting that same tingles.
I lusted for for so long.

I observed his hand.
It was not a teenage hand anymore.
It was older and more year-wised.

Palm to palm.
Fingers to fingers.

Mine wasn't nearly as big and narrow as Gerard's.

I sighed too.
Needing an answer from him.

"Gerard, if you tell me then I'll let you see Elena,"
I promised him.

He stiffens his muscle.
His throat clearing up.
Coughs a few times.
Before relaxing.

"I don't know Polly. I really don't know. I think I was scared to know. I think I didn't want you to leave me if I got too close. If soul mates do exist. I think you're mine."

"What makes you think that?"

"Like I said to you during the summer, my heart beats urgently whenever I sense that you're near me. My legs seems to follow your soul. I always watched over you Polly. Always. I would wait outside your apartment sometimes to check if you're alright. I watched you with Elena. Our little girl. I want to be in her life. Because I know I screwed up too many times with you, and I know I hurt you so. But I don't want to screw up hers and hurt her as much as I did for you."

And I suddenly remembered Elena.
And how Sam would hold Elena.
And how Elena would smile at Sam.
And how I never told them.

I got up.
Gerard let me go from his arms.

"Gerard, if you're my soul mate, then you have to release me. Because I tried so hard to release you from my heart. And I've just begun to finally be happy. I don't know if you're playing games with me. But I'll let you meet Elena. I never told Sam or Elena you're her father. If you're my soul mate, you would do right and never tell them. You will go and leave after you've seen Elena. Never once seeing my face again. I love you Gerard, and I'm in love with you. But I can't just accept you into my life anymore. Not after you ignored me and made me suffer through this pain like you did so many times before,"
I told him.

And kissed his lips.
Just for a few minutes.

Then walked to my little tiny apartment door.
Closed the door to see Gerard's face.
His confused face.

Because I know this is right, and I know I can't be with him.