We Keep Ourselves A Secret

I started to pace. The street was dark enough so that nobody noticed me lurking in front of the small red brick house, so I figured it was safe enough to light up a cigarette. I pulled out my prized pack of Marlboros, and lit one up. As I took in the smoke and it filled my lungs with its awful chemicals, I started to relax. What was the worst that could go wrong anyway? If she didn't want me either, I'd go crash at a friend's house for a few days. I had saved up almost a thousand dollars from working various jobs over summer. I could at least afford a small motel room until I found a good job and started working again. It wouldn't be all that bad if things didn't work out would it? Truth was, it would.

I finished the cigarette all too quickly, as a gush of wind came speeding past. I shivered as I threw the cigarette down onto the snow covered ground, leaving it forgotten, and made me way to the front door. I stood on the front step in front of the door, my fist raised in the air. I tired my hardest to listen to any kind of movement inside, but there was nothing. I could only distantly hear the murmur of a TV playing somewhere inside. As another cold gush of wind swept over me, I forced myself to connect the door with my fist, knocking loudly. I waited, my breath sucked in the whole time, until I heard the lock click and the door slowly opened.

I couldn't believe my eyes. There she was, my mother, I could tell right away. She had my eyes, and the small patch of freckles that lined my cheeks. Her hair was a long soft brown that fell in small curls around her shoulders. Her smile was worn, and her eyes were tired, but she looked like she was in good condition. I had the sudden urge to throw my arms around her and never let go. I finally felt at place in this world.

"You—it can't be!" She said surprised, as she took in my appearance. I had a feeling she knew I was her son just by glancing at me.

"Mom?" I questioned

In that moment, something amazing happened. Tears streamed down her face as she smiled and her entire face lit up. She threw her arms around me and started to sob quietly. "Oh, baby, I've missed you so much, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry."

I hugged her back, rubbing my hand gently against her small back to calm her down. It seemed to work, and the small sobs began to stop. She pulled away and looked my straight in the face with a bright lit smile.

"Come in, come in, honey." She pulled me inside and I followed happily into her tiny living room.

There wasn't much to it. A small couch was placed in the center; a TV set leaned against the wall. In between the two was a medium sized coffee table, littered with magazines and pieces of mall. The room was dim, but I could just make out a small bookcase on the far ended wall, the entire top lined with my baby pictures. She had never forgotten me.

"We have so much to catch up on, don't we?" She smiled and took a seat on her couch, gesturing for me to follow.

I did so smiling, a million questions popping into my head. I wanted to ask the one that bugged me most, why she had left in the first place, but I didn't want to be rude. Instead I remained silent.

"You must hate me," She frowned and looked down at her skinny legs. "You have every right too, I left you all alone with that horrid man, I'm a horrible mom."

Those words made me snap into instant action. "I don't blame you, don't ever say that. I-I just want to know why you left…" I figured now was as good a time as any to ask.

"He never told you?" She questioned, a confused expression playing across her face.
I shook my head no and waited for her to explain.

"You lived with him for 17 years; I know you know the man was a horrible human being by now. But he was worse after we got married. Oh, baby, I never wanted to leave you. But once you were born, he started getting abusive, to the point where one night he almost killed me. My sister, your aunt, found my passed out in the backyard. She dragged me away from that place, and bought me this house. I promised her I'd never return, for the sake of my life, but I didn't fully keep that." She paused, staring off into space. She had a sad distant look on her face, and I could tell she was thinking back to years before.

"I used to come by every week or so and watch you play outside. I wanted to take you with me, but your father seemed to always be watching. I never got the chance. Then one day you stopped playing outside, and I hardly ever got to see you after that. I never got to give you the life you so very much deserve." She started to sob again, this time a little softer. I put my arms around her and told her it was okay. What she did was brave, and I loved her no matter what. I loved her.

"I love you too, honey. I always have." She kissed me gently on the cheek, then abruptly stood up. "How about I fix us a nice hot chocolate with cookies, you look starved!"

I nodded graciously. I was starving; I didn't realize it up until that moment. As she headed into the kitchen and began to fix everything up, I walked towards the bookcase, taking in all the different pictures.

Of course they were all of me when I was only a baby. Most of them were only of me, at Christmas time, at a birthday, Easter, eating baby food, and then one of me and my mother. She was gorgeous then, her face was full of happiness, her eyes were full of life, not tired looking as they were now. I wished more than anything that I could go back and fix things for her. She deserved it.

"I never took those down, cherished them more than anything." The sound of her voice shocked me a little, but I turned to see her standing near the couch again. She was holding the tray that carried our hot chocolate and chips ahoy cookies. She placed it carefully on the table and walked towards me.

"Tell me everything I've missed?" She pleaded with her eyes.
I nodded my head, and began to pour my heart out to the person I had so desperately needed to for so long.