Guardian Angel

I had made a mistake. As I held her in my arms, her scream echoed in my ears. It was then, I realized every decision I had made before was wrong, and I was scared.

Two Months Later

My shoes make a clicking sound every time I take a step. Listening to the rhythm I realize that I’m breathing to that exact sound. The alley I’m currentlying walking through shows no light and is full of a musty scent. The clouds of air freeze and are clearly visible in front of me.

The falling snow lands in my hair soaking it almost completely. The freezing cold air feels incredible on my skin. I beginto pick up my pace to a steady run. In my pocket I can feel my cell phone vibrating. As I fish it from my pocket, I have a feeling I already know who it is. ‘One new text message’ it reads. I am barely able to flip it open, because my fingers are so cold.

From Emily, Imagine that. It reads precisly what I had expected. ‘Where in the hell are you Lexi?’ I slam the phone shut and shove it back into my pocket. I pick up speed even more. As I reach the end of the alley, I gaze at the graffiti I had drawn the first night I had ran here, almost four years ago.

I turn around and keeping the same speed I run back the way I had came. I see the lights of a car on the main street ahead. I slow down and hold my breath, but thankfully it passes. I continue to run until I see the reflection of myself in a small black car’s windshield.

I slam into the hood of the car with only enough momentum to gently push me towards the windshield. Glaring I lift my head to see the driver. I scowl at Emily as she lifts her hands and shrugs her shoulders.

I push myself off the hood of her car and walk the opposite way of her. Soon enough I see her headlights turn on and I hear her door shut. “Lexi!” her voice, overly filled with worry, echoes loudly throughout the alley. Good, I’m glad she’s worried.

I tell myself that I will not turn around to face her. I hear her foot steps and it sounds as if she is running now. My knee hurts from hitting her car, so I keep my pace until she’s next to me.

She didn’t say anything for a while. We just walked side by side. When I figured that we were far enough away from her car, I turned to face her. “I surrender. Why’d you come here?” I tried to keep a blank expression. As I started to walk back to her car she grabbed the sleeve of my hoodie and pulled me to her.

Half wrapping her arms around me she holds tightly, so I cannot escape. “Because, I care.” she looks straight into my eyes until I successfully manage to break away from the stare. “Lexi, what happened to you?” her voice cracks as she asks me.

“Nothing.” I state, trying to make that the end of this conversation. But she sighs and it catches me off guard. “How do you always know?” I once again turn to her pulling her close to my body.

“I can read your eyes,” she doesn’t move an inch while saying this. She does however, wrap her arms tightly against my waist. I knew it was true. I had eyes that could not hide anything. Bright blue when I was happy and envious green while I was upset. They are nothing like her golden brown eyes I adored so much.

“I was at Jinken’s party tonight,” I started slowly, “him and his friends were talking about lesbian.” my voice lost all confidence. I can feel the tears break the barriers and fall to my cheeks.

“Babe,” she says sympathetically, “go on...” she quickly wipes away my tears.

I break away from her again and race to her car, shutting myself in. I bury my head in my hands and begin to sob. As I do so I feel her hand caressing my back. She’s shushing me, promising it will all be okay. I love her to death, really. I long to believe her. But I do not believe her. It’s impossible for things to be okay now.

“Lexi, whatever it is, you can tell me.” gently she kisses my forehead, making me long for more. I take in her scent, and remember everything that I’ve had over the past year. I calm myself down enough to finish the rest of the dreaded story.

“And...” I pause again, afraid to continue with what happened. “Kyle walked up to me and started giving me the normal shit he always does.” As I tell the story, I slowly let my head fall down, until I can see nothing except the black tattoo I have on my hand.

Emily sits next to me, holding my hand. Not pressuring me to finish, but waiting. “I put up with it, just like I always do. I ignored him and tried to forget about him being so naive.” I lifted my head up to meet her eyes and kept talking. “They were all so drunk Emily.” With that I began to cry again. “They all cheered him on. I was so confused on what they were doing. Before I knew it, they had lifted me up and I was in a bedroom upstairs.” I paused, holding my attention back to the tattoo. “Then before I could scream or do anything to stop him, he was on top of me. He had ripped off my clothes.”

As I finished the last line I lifted my hands back to meet my head. I sat there and cried for what seemed like hours before Emily said anything. “Baby, Oh my god. Baby, it will be okay.” she was holding my head to her chest, rocking me back and forth. “Baby, I’m so sorry. I wasn’t there for you and I should have been.” she held me close and I could tell she was attempting not to cry.

“They just kept antagonizing me Emily. All because I’m lesbian.” I managed to say through all of the tears. “They thought it would be funny to make a lesbian have sex with a guy.” I pushed her back from me. I looked her in the eyes, and grabbed her hair.

Entangling every strand in my fingers, I pulled her head closer to mine until our lips were touching. I kissed her with such passion that I knew she had to feel it. As I pulled back from the kiss I had started, I again looked down at the tattoo on my hand. A single black heart, one that I had gotten the day that Emily had wanted hers. We both had the artist put the same tattoo in the same spot on our left hands. It had been our symbol of love.

I held her hand and gazed into her eyes again pulling her close and kissing her. It was the kind of passion I would ask for as a last kiss. I was hoping she was understanding what I had to do. “Emily.” my voice quivered as I spoke, “I love you, with everything I have, but...” I couldn’t continue.

Her facial expression went from upset to shocked in a matter of seconds. “Lexi, please.” she quietly whispered.

Instead I cut off her intended sentence. “Please don’t Emily.” I sucked up every last bit of confidence I had left. “You know I love you. I can’t deal with this anymore. Maybe if they don’t think I’m with a girl, they won’t do this shit.” it was the truth. I was sick of everyone making everything worse just because I was with her. I couldn’t deal anymore.

She shook her head and unlocked the doors. “I guess, if that’s how you need it to be Lexi.” she would not look me in the eyes. She avoided all eye contact. “Then I guess I’ll just see you at school on Monday.”

I climbed out of her car. But before I shut the door I leaned in, “Emily, I still want us to be friends. We’ve been friends for the longest time,” as I finished this last word, I noticed tears falling from her cheeks, as I reached in to her, she hit the gas slamming me to the ground.

She was gone, she had left. Just like I had needed. It was exactly what I had needed.

I was in pain. I had no one to talk to anymore. Things with Emily were hard, and for a while we didn’t have contact with each other. But as things became better we started talking again. Within almost two months we were even hanging out together again.

Everyday I saw her, I had the desire to walk up to her, and tell her how much I truly missed her. I wanted to wrap my fingers in her hair and kiss her again, the way I had done the night I had broken up with her. Only this time, it was not going to be a goodbye kiss. It was going to be a ‘I love you forever.’ kind of kiss.

But I had begun seeing a guy from my school to cover up for being lesbian for so long. All of the guys from the party two months earlier were convinced they turned me straight. It all seemed pleasing enough.

Yet I still wanted her. She had been the only person I loved before. She would be the only person I ever loved as much as I loved her.

“Lexi, don’t give me this bullshit. We both know something’s wrong. Now just tell me.” Honestly hearing this line showed how little had changed with Emily and I. She grabbed my arm and pulled me to face her. Just like she had that night.

“He broke up with me Emily. Happy now?” as stuck up as I sounded I realized that a few things had changed. I would have never been that cold sounding to Emily before.

“Aw, hun.” she was attempting to hold back a laugh, and I could tell.

“What is so funny Emily?” I was trying to contain my temper, but I can only do that for so long.

“Well for one Lexi,” a smile appeared on her face. “We both know that you were not in love with him.” she flashed her famous ‘I win.’ smile towards me.

I shrugged my shoulders and took a breath to throw out my comeback, but she interrupted me, holding up one finger. “Do NOT say that you were Lexi. You are a lesbian no guy can change that. You did NOT love him.” I would have argued, but she was right and I knew it.

She grabbed my arm and pulled me, as if I was a puppy on a leash. She giggled playfully, as she did this. She flew through the school doors and threw me at her car. “What the...” I started loud enough for everyone around to hear.

“Get in!” a huge smile broke out on her face as she opened her door. She started the car, and popped a CD into the CD player. I never remembered her even owning a CD player to install into her car. “Uhm, Emily, is that new?” I said figuratively pointing to the new shiny object.

She nodded shyly. “Yeah. I needed something to capture my attention when I was without you.” she said sweetly. I had missed hearing her voice like this. She grabbed my hand, and although I knew I shouldn’t be doing this, I let her hold it.

She glanced at me, and smiled. I could tell she was once again happy. We slowed to a stop, and she pulled out a blindfold. Holding it up to me, she laughed. “What’s this Emily?” I was trying not to laugh, it was funny seeing her get all worked up about this.

“It’s a blindfold, you put it over your eyes.” she said sarcastically. With that she tied it around my head so that I could not see.

“Why are you blindfolding me though?” I asked, completely confused on what was happening. She laughed again, the same fun loving laugh I had been missing.

“That, I cannot tell you just yet.” I heard her move around a lot, and push some buttons, and then I heard our song. ‘Your Guardian Angel’ by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus was playing loudly in my head. I sighed and smiled remembering the days I had spent with her. I loved her, and we both knew it.

As we came to a complete stop, I heard her exit the car. Soon my door was being opened, and she was holding my hands. Leading me out of the car. She lead me a few feet and stopped. Whispering in my ear she said, “Do not cheat. Close your eyes.” I did as she said, liking the suspense. As she took the blindfold off of my eyes, she covered them again with her hands.

As she stood behind me, she uncovered my eyes, for me to find myself standing on a large rock next to the lake. I turned to her and smile. “Babe,” I started full of shame. “Thanks for this.” after saying this, I ran my fingers through her hair, and just like my desire I pulled her to me and kissed her.

I had missed this kiss. The kiss that brought me further in with every second. The one that no matter what had went on that day could make me forget the world. I felt her hand move up to my head as she tangled her fingers into my hair as well. I pulled back from her and looked into her eyes. “I’m in love with you Emily.” I smiled and lifted her chin, to quickly kiss her lips. “I only want you. Nothing is worth more than you. Please be with me again. Please give me another chance.” I had been rehearsing those words since the night I had broken up with her. I had hoped they sounded as good out loud as they did repeating themselves in my head.
“Of course I will baby.” she smiled and ran her finger from the back of my head, to my lips, and down to the palm of my hand. She then gripped onto my hand and held it up to me. “This right here,” she said, “What I’m holding here, is love. This is exactly what matters most.”

Then she kissed me. It was the most beautiful moment I had ever experienced in my life. It was the most life changing moment as well. I knew I was meant to be with her. We sat on our rock for hours, and as it began to grow dark we decided we should leave.

As we drove in the car, we both knew that this was what we really needed. I held her hand tightly, promising to never let go. Our love could conquer anything.

But as I looked to my left, and saw the semi-truck heading straight for Emily’s car. I was in shock, yet still managed to mumble, “LOOK OUT!” as she looked to her side and then back to me, I knew this was it. “Duck!” I yelled at the top of my lungs, with that I threw my arms over her, to protect her as much as I could.

Before I knew it, the car was spinning, possibly rolling, I couldn’t tell. I heard nothing but Emily’s scream bellowing in my brain.

When it was over, I looked around the car realizing that I was upside down. As I looked to my left, I realized that Emily was no longer sitting in the drivers seat next to me. I unbuckled my seat belt and crawled out of the car, falling onto tiny pieces of glass that just buried themselves into my skin.

The headlights were still on, and I could see the trees surrounding the car. I searched all over, for almost ten minutes before I heard her cry. She had ended up on the other side the tree we had crashed into last.

I carefully picked up her head and body, and laid her on top of my lap. “Emily, baby?” I had thought I was screaming, but all I heard was my whisper. “Baby, wake up.” she shifted slightly in my arms and faced me.

She opened her eyes, and looked up at me. “I love you Lexi.” she whispered. Somehow her whisper seemed twenty times louder than mine.

“I love you too baby, hold on let me call the ambulance.” I pulled my cell phone out of my pocket as I said this. Emily watched me through out my entire conversation with the operator on the other line. Before no time, she had promised there would be an ambulance here as soon as possible. I turned back down to my girlfriend. “It won’t be long now baby, hold in there okay.” as I said this I looked down to my legs, how bruised and bloody they both were. I was also pretty sure my left arm had been broken.

“Lexi, kiss me.” Emily was whispering more softly now. She looked much worse off than I was. But how had she been so hurt. I had protected her. I did as she wished though, I leaned down, despite the pain and kissed her. First gently, till she, very weakly, lifted her arm and held my head there. She kissed with such passion, that I was filled with sorrow. I knew that kiss. . .

As I waited for the ambulance I sang her the lyrics of our song. I had sang the entire song before I could hear the sirens.

I had made a mistake. As I held her in my arms, her scream echoed in my ears. It was then, I realized every decision I had made before was wrong, and I was scared.

As I realized this, I bent down and kissed her. She kissed me back, attempting to imitate the same passion she had before, but it was no use anymore. As I kissed her lips, I whispered seven words in her ear. “I love you baby. Forever and Ever.” With that, I knew that would be the last kiss I would ever feel so much electricity from. I knew that I had made one of the biggest mistakes ever by leaving her in the first place.

As hard as it was for her, she opened her eyes one last time. “I love you too. Forever and ever.” and then she let it all go.

As the EMT’s came down the hill, I lifted her up and let them place her on a stretcher. As I looked at my one true love, I knew it was over. It was then, that my tears had completely over flooded their barrier. I was crying uncontrollably, and no one could stop me.

At her funeral service the following week, I spoke of she had always been there. I told them all how genuine how she was. Towards the end, I took the last of my motivation and said exactly how I felt.

“Emily was my enemy, my best friend, but most importantly, she was my girlfriend. I spent my last few minutes with her, accepting that it was her time, and proving how much I love her. She was my everything, and that’s exactly what she will stay. That day, last Thursday, was the best day of my life. She had made my life worth living, and that day, she made me even more glad I met her. I hear the screams from the wreck everyday in my head, and I will for the rest of my life. If I would have done anything differently she could still be here. But she isn’t and I know she is still watching. The look in her eyes when she kissed me for the last time, are embedded into my brain. I love her, and I know you all did too. She was wonderful.”

As I walked down from the podium I felt the sorrow I had felt the entire two months we were apart. I walked outside and looked up into the sky. As I collapsed to the street, I screamed to the sky. “Why would you do this? Why?” in between sobs.

Two Years Later

As I look at this tree in front of me, I feel the joy I had felt every time Emily had kissed me. I could forget about the pain. I had spread her ashes here, where we had spent our very last minutes together. I can feel her hand in my hair now, and I no longer hear her screams everyday. However, I can still hear her very last words whenever I hear our song, and I know that she is my guardian angel, watching me everyday.

I haven’t found someone new, and I’m not sure if I ever will. All I know is that I experienced a rare and exciting love. One that I will never forget.