I'm Building Castles To Protect You

"Dear Saskia,

I actually don't know if I'm emotionally capable of this anymore. Do you know why I write letters to you? I know I could do something much easier like phoning or emailing you, but no. I choose the method that you can't respond to, as I don't think postmen deliver to a small white van on the M4 South bound.

And I know you can't reply since I have no definite address to send something back to, yet I write like you can. Filling paragraphs with questions that I won't know the answer to. I chose to do this Saskia, because I don't get a sting of rejection if you don't reply, because you can't. I'm not hopelessly waiting to hear from you, all forlorn, because I have a comfort of knowing it's not possible. Does that make sense?

The others criticize me a little, saying I'm being stupid and not grasping technology. So the other day, I pull out my beat up, barely colour screen Nokia and text you. I changed the setting to ring and vibrate, putting it on the loudest volume possible and shoved it back in my pocket. I knew you'd be at college, so I didn't stare at the screen awaiting a new message, you wouldn't use it in lesson. When I past 6pm though, I lost my mind. I made everyone else text me, to check my shitty mobile was receiving things. I now have an inbox full of swear words and quotes from Happy Gilmore from Max.

But not one short text back from you.

I sat awake that night. In fact, I'll be honest, I haven't slept since then. My mind has constantly been running over everything to do with you. My performance on stage has been appalling, I've received so many bollockings from Ben who is quite possibly the most heartless manager in the world. I'm finding it all too difficult to care though.

I'd give anything to see you. Just to hold you and listen to your voice. It's so delicate and deliberate. You pronounce every letter and it makes me smile when you slip up and you blush, before correcting yourself. You need perfection. Look at your life Saskia and can you honestly tell me you to strive for perfection?

To me, you're as close to it as possible, but it is impossible... I think you need to come to terms with that babe. I'm not saying this to be horrible, I'm saying this because I love you, and know it'll be easier for you to realise this.

I understand why you're doing this, to the best of my ability. Sometimes it aggravates me though, and is it weak for me to admit that I also have found tears in my eyes when I've thought of you? Well, I seriously considered scribbling that out, but I want to be honest with you.

If I stopped writing tomorrow, would you miss it? Would you make the effort to phone me? I consider stopping, just to find out the answer. I'm too scared though, in case you wouldn't. I simply cannot lose you, so I pick up a pen and continue to write.

I'm reading over this, and am so tempted to just tear it to shreds, but I want you to read this. I need you to. I don't want to make you feel guilty, it's not my intention, I just need you to know Saskia. That I'm still here.

Sincerely yours,
Josh

P.S. I love you"

The paper shook along with the muscles spasming in her hand, as her heart thudded in her chest. Her expression was completely pained, ready to crumple into one of desperation as she clutched onto the letter and sobbed. Yet she held back, hoping a few moments would be all it took to regain her composure.

She fell to her knees, and pressed her back against the wall as she felt too weak to stand. Still staring at the words in front of her. She felt like the coldest person in the world as she could read to hurt that was laced into his written words. And she was the one to blame.

She crawled across her bedroom floor, towards her school bag that was propped up in the corner. She reached in to pull out her phone that she hadn't touched yet since the previous say when she needed to call her mother. She was looking for a different name as she scrolled through her contacts.

It started to ring, and knots twisted in her gut as it continued. She waited for the break and the breathing on the other end.

"Hey babe." she heard the chirpy reply of the person she was reaching.

"Hey, you know what you said the other day?"

"I say a lot of things, you'll have to be specific."

"When you said that we should go out," she hesitated, wondering if this was what she wanted before it was too late "Lauren, I think it's a good idea."