Pain Remains
Chapter 3. How to handle it?
We had given Gerard a few minutes alone with Mikey down by the pond. We had all sat in the van and minded our own business until Mikey had got up, and stormed off into the building. Frank immediately jumped up, and went in the direction of the building.
‘Gerard!’ Frank yelled after him. Gerard turned in our direction and forced a smile. As Frank and I ran up to him, he sighed.
‘He’ll be okay. Come on. Let’s go home.’ Gerard said tonelessly.
‘No, Gerard.’ I interrupted. ‘We aren’t going anywhere. Mikey needs us. He needs our support right now. Nothing else but our love and support.’ I told Gerard, who retaliated.
‘NO! I put him in that shit hole! He’s BETTER than that! WE’RE better than that! WE CAN GET HIM OUT! We can get him out…’ he trailed off slowly, and his shoulders slumped.
‘Exactly Gerard. We can get him out. He needs out support, and that’s the only thing that’s going to get him out, to get him home.’ I said sympathetically. Gerard looked up from staring at his feet. He had tears in his eyes. ‘Aww… Gee. Come here, man! Don’t cry! It’s okay, come on dude. Let’s go bust Mikey outta there!’
‘Oh god, Mikey!’ Gerard wailed as he saw his brother lying on the bed. Mikey was pale, I noticed, very pale. He looked thinner, how long had he been here? A couple of weeks? How long was he planning on staying? I noticed that the room was quiet small, but cozy… he had photos of Alicia and his Mom and Dad on the wall. I spotted one of a cat. Bunny-Marie. I looked harder, no Gerard. I glanced round the rest of the room whilst the guys went to see Mikey. I saw a bin in the corner, and found the picture of Gerard. It had been ripped in two, shoved under some crisp packets. I heard Mikey start to talk.
‘I feel…. used. You know, I feel like you’ve used me, I feel like such a tool.’ he said sorrowfully.
‘Used?’ Frank asked, holding Mikey’s free hand. His other hand was gripping the duvet as if the though of letting go made him feel sick… almost like he would fall into blackness on the release of the material.
‘Yeah, Frank. Used. You know, like ‘Oh, just sling him in as bass player, just so he’s not jealous, it’s not like you can hear the bass anyway!’ And… as soon as I have a problem, you chuck me in here.’ he paused and looked around the room, the thick, heavy door, the barred windows, and snorted. ‘This cell. I mean, Gerard had… and maybe still has, an alcoholic problem. You didn’t lock him up like…. like…’ he swallowed, ‘like an animal in a cell. Like a useless, problem-ridden dog. You couldn’t even bother to try and help me. This isn’t what I needed. I needed your love, your support…’ he looked to Gerard. ‘You’re my family, Gerard! And, all you can do is throw me in here?!’ he looked like he wanted to spit at Gerard. Gerard looked away, he couldn’t hold his younger brother’s gaze.
‘You’re right… totally right, Mikey. I should be the one locked up in here. I’ve been a useless brother. I’m so sorry for what I did. I just couldn’t face it. I mean, I was the one who was always there for you.’ Gerard said, and I knew what he was doing. Mikey had forgotten all the times Gerard had been there for him, and all the younger man was focused on now was the fact that his brother, his loyal brother, had locked him up in here. Gerard sighed and carried on. ‘I was the one that nursed you through the night, bandaging your arms, helping you get sober again. But, no use. I guess I should be locked up in here. What I did for you… all that I gave you… it never helped. You’re right, I should just go.’ he stood up, took one last look at his younger brother, and started to leave the room. Mikey looked shocked, but then regained himself. He called his older brother’s name and faced him. Fully faced his retreating back.
‘Gerard. Come back. Please don’t do this to me. Don’t do this to yourself. I understand why you put me in here. I needed it, I still need you though. Just because I have therapists and pills and bars on my windows, it doesn’t mean I don’t need my big bro back. Please, Gerard. Don’t go. You’ll regret it. I’ll regret not coming after you. After all… I can’t come after you. I’m locked in here.’ Mikey finished saying this, then paused, waiting for Gerard to react. He did.
‘Oh, Mikey! I’m sorry… so, so, so sorry! I never meant any of this to hurt you. ‘ Gerard sat on the bed and took his younger brother in his arms. ‘I didn’t mean it, I never meant it, any of it! I’m sorry so sorry.’ Gerard pleaded Mikey to listen and to forgive him. Mikey cried too, and wrapped his arms around Gerard.
‘Please, please get me out of here bro. I can’t stick it, can’t handle it any longer. I need to get back to reality. It’s doing my nut in!’ Mikey pleaded to Gerard. Mikey said that was when he would forgive Gerard, when he would get him out of this place. This hell hole, he called it.
Okay. So Mikey’s done it again. He got let out of rehab about two weeks ago, and I found him, again in his room, music up, drinking and cutting. Again. The first time I caught him it was only a couple of days after coming out, and I promised not to tell Gerard. He said he would stop now that he’d been found out. I’d told him that wasn’t the point. He knew that, and then for a few days he was fine. A week passed, and he was going steady. No cuts, no alcohol and mostly, no cocaine. He seemed to have come off that surprisingly well. I can tell you all this, because he had been spending a lot of time with me on the road, what with Sam ‘learning drums’ and me being the only other female he could talk to. He did ring Alicia a lot, but the phone calls seemed to be growing shorter, and further apart. He would sigh after putting the phone down and come to talk to me. Presumably, he didn’t want to think about his relationship with Alicia. He had moved beds now, and now slept under my bunk in the tour van. He felt safer this way. I felt safer, it meant I could get to him easier if he tried anything. He wouldn’t though…. I hoped. When we stopped in the hotels, me Frank and Mikey shared a room. Mikey didn’t like being alone, it gave him too much time to think. Me and Frank would share a double bed, and Mikey would be in a single, but more often than not I woke up with Mikey and not Frank. The first night this happened, Frank explained that Mikey had woken up terrified and screaming. Frank couldn’t handle it, and had kicked Mikey into our bed. It shut him up, apparently.
But now, we were back to square one. Me and Frank sharing a double room, no single bed. Mikey was in rehab. Again. I had found him, like I said, drinking and cutting himself. I had told him the first time that I would tell Gerard if I caught him again. And, I caught him. And, I told Gerard. And, I made an enemy that day. Yes, it’s true. Mikey now hates my guts.
‘Gerard!’ Frank yelled after him. Gerard turned in our direction and forced a smile. As Frank and I ran up to him, he sighed.
‘He’ll be okay. Come on. Let’s go home.’ Gerard said tonelessly.
‘No, Gerard.’ I interrupted. ‘We aren’t going anywhere. Mikey needs us. He needs our support right now. Nothing else but our love and support.’ I told Gerard, who retaliated.
‘NO! I put him in that shit hole! He’s BETTER than that! WE’RE better than that! WE CAN GET HIM OUT! We can get him out…’ he trailed off slowly, and his shoulders slumped.
‘Exactly Gerard. We can get him out. He needs out support, and that’s the only thing that’s going to get him out, to get him home.’ I said sympathetically. Gerard looked up from staring at his feet. He had tears in his eyes. ‘Aww… Gee. Come here, man! Don’t cry! It’s okay, come on dude. Let’s go bust Mikey outta there!’
‘Oh god, Mikey!’ Gerard wailed as he saw his brother lying on the bed. Mikey was pale, I noticed, very pale. He looked thinner, how long had he been here? A couple of weeks? How long was he planning on staying? I noticed that the room was quiet small, but cozy… he had photos of Alicia and his Mom and Dad on the wall. I spotted one of a cat. Bunny-Marie. I looked harder, no Gerard. I glanced round the rest of the room whilst the guys went to see Mikey. I saw a bin in the corner, and found the picture of Gerard. It had been ripped in two, shoved under some crisp packets. I heard Mikey start to talk.
‘I feel…. used. You know, I feel like you’ve used me, I feel like such a tool.’ he said sorrowfully.
‘Used?’ Frank asked, holding Mikey’s free hand. His other hand was gripping the duvet as if the though of letting go made him feel sick… almost like he would fall into blackness on the release of the material.
‘Yeah, Frank. Used. You know, like ‘Oh, just sling him in as bass player, just so he’s not jealous, it’s not like you can hear the bass anyway!’ And… as soon as I have a problem, you chuck me in here.’ he paused and looked around the room, the thick, heavy door, the barred windows, and snorted. ‘This cell. I mean, Gerard had… and maybe still has, an alcoholic problem. You didn’t lock him up like…. like…’ he swallowed, ‘like an animal in a cell. Like a useless, problem-ridden dog. You couldn’t even bother to try and help me. This isn’t what I needed. I needed your love, your support…’ he looked to Gerard. ‘You’re my family, Gerard! And, all you can do is throw me in here?!’ he looked like he wanted to spit at Gerard. Gerard looked away, he couldn’t hold his younger brother’s gaze.
‘You’re right… totally right, Mikey. I should be the one locked up in here. I’ve been a useless brother. I’m so sorry for what I did. I just couldn’t face it. I mean, I was the one who was always there for you.’ Gerard said, and I knew what he was doing. Mikey had forgotten all the times Gerard had been there for him, and all the younger man was focused on now was the fact that his brother, his loyal brother, had locked him up in here. Gerard sighed and carried on. ‘I was the one that nursed you through the night, bandaging your arms, helping you get sober again. But, no use. I guess I should be locked up in here. What I did for you… all that I gave you… it never helped. You’re right, I should just go.’ he stood up, took one last look at his younger brother, and started to leave the room. Mikey looked shocked, but then regained himself. He called his older brother’s name and faced him. Fully faced his retreating back.
‘Gerard. Come back. Please don’t do this to me. Don’t do this to yourself. I understand why you put me in here. I needed it, I still need you though. Just because I have therapists and pills and bars on my windows, it doesn’t mean I don’t need my big bro back. Please, Gerard. Don’t go. You’ll regret it. I’ll regret not coming after you. After all… I can’t come after you. I’m locked in here.’ Mikey finished saying this, then paused, waiting for Gerard to react. He did.
‘Oh, Mikey! I’m sorry… so, so, so sorry! I never meant any of this to hurt you. ‘ Gerard sat on the bed and took his younger brother in his arms. ‘I didn’t mean it, I never meant it, any of it! I’m sorry so sorry.’ Gerard pleaded Mikey to listen and to forgive him. Mikey cried too, and wrapped his arms around Gerard.
‘Please, please get me out of here bro. I can’t stick it, can’t handle it any longer. I need to get back to reality. It’s doing my nut in!’ Mikey pleaded to Gerard. Mikey said that was when he would forgive Gerard, when he would get him out of this place. This hell hole, he called it.
Okay. So Mikey’s done it again. He got let out of rehab about two weeks ago, and I found him, again in his room, music up, drinking and cutting. Again. The first time I caught him it was only a couple of days after coming out, and I promised not to tell Gerard. He said he would stop now that he’d been found out. I’d told him that wasn’t the point. He knew that, and then for a few days he was fine. A week passed, and he was going steady. No cuts, no alcohol and mostly, no cocaine. He seemed to have come off that surprisingly well. I can tell you all this, because he had been spending a lot of time with me on the road, what with Sam ‘learning drums’ and me being the only other female he could talk to. He did ring Alicia a lot, but the phone calls seemed to be growing shorter, and further apart. He would sigh after putting the phone down and come to talk to me. Presumably, he didn’t want to think about his relationship with Alicia. He had moved beds now, and now slept under my bunk in the tour van. He felt safer this way. I felt safer, it meant I could get to him easier if he tried anything. He wouldn’t though…. I hoped. When we stopped in the hotels, me Frank and Mikey shared a room. Mikey didn’t like being alone, it gave him too much time to think. Me and Frank would share a double bed, and Mikey would be in a single, but more often than not I woke up with Mikey and not Frank. The first night this happened, Frank explained that Mikey had woken up terrified and screaming. Frank couldn’t handle it, and had kicked Mikey into our bed. It shut him up, apparently.
But now, we were back to square one. Me and Frank sharing a double room, no single bed. Mikey was in rehab. Again. I had found him, like I said, drinking and cutting himself. I had told him the first time that I would tell Gerard if I caught him again. And, I caught him. And, I told Gerard. And, I made an enemy that day. Yes, it’s true. Mikey now hates my guts.