I Can't Believe This

**BILLIE’S POV**

“Adrienne, you have no idea how much this means to me. Really,” I said. I can’t believe she’s actually going to give me joint custody of Joey and Jake. About time.

“Billie, I know that during the divorce, I was kind of…”

“A bitch?” I supplied, smiling a little.

A smile broke out across her lips. “Yeah, a bitch. But I don’t want things like that between us anymore. Just because we’re separated now, doesn’t mean I don’t want anything to do with you.” She looked down, biting her lower lip. “And, you know,” she looked up from under her lashes, “ A part of me is always going to love you, and I don’t want you to feel cheated of seeing your kids grow up.”

I crossed the small space between us and gave her a hug. “Thank you,” I whispered against her hair. I pulled back and looked into her chocolate brown eyes. “And you know, a part of me is always going to love you, too. I’m glad we’re finally moving past all of our issues.”

I don’t know what happened. One minute, we were just standing there, and the next I was leaning in. Her lips met mine softly. Hesitantly. A part of me was screaming ‘what the fuck are you doing? Remember Lisa? Your girlfriend? Who you love!’ While another part of me was going on instinct. Adrienne’s lips were so soft under mine, and...

I heard a slight shuffle off to one side of us. I looked up quickly and I swear my heart stopped beating in that instant. “Lisa,” I choked out.

“Sorry to interrupt,” she said, tears welling In her eyes.

No, no, no. What the fuck have I done? What the hell is wrong with me?

“Please, don’t stop on my account,” she whispered, backing out of the kitchen.

‘Don’t let her go!’ my mind was screaming at me. I ran after her, but by the time I reached the front door, she was already half way down the street. “Dammit!” I yelled.

“Billie,” Adrienne said, softly. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that. I didn’t mean anything by it. And…”

“I know.” I sighed, still looking down the street. “You didn’t do anything. This was all me.” It’s always all me. Even the first time things had gone wrong between us, it was me. God, when I hit a stride I really take to it, don’t I?

“I’m going to take the kids and go.”

I turned back to face her and smiled. “Thanks.”

***

After Adrienne, Joey, and Jake had left, I’d gone up to my room and slumped onto the bed. I can’t believe just this morning I’d been kissing Lisa and telling her how much I loved and now. She was gone. Way to go Armstrong. Way to fuck up the best relationship you’ve ever been in.

Tré and Mike had stayed for awhile, until I’d told them I needed to be alone. I knew that any minute I was going to break down into tears. I didn’t want anyone around when I did though.

*NORMAL POV*

“Wait, what?” Ethan asked, dumbfounded.

“Can we go back to your place?” I repeated, looking around the coffee shop. Everyone was staring at me, and I was starting to feel uncomfortable.

“Uh, yeah, okay.”

“So this is your car?” I asked, once we’d reached a little Ford Focus.

“Yeah, this is it. For now anyway.”

The drive to his house was silent. Which was a relief, I didn’t feel like talking right now. Actually, I didn’t feel anything right then. The tears had stopped, but had been replaced with a numbness that was spreading throughout my body.

Ten minutes later we pulled up in front of a small blue house. He parked the car and we got out, walking to the front door.

“Hey, I thought you told me that you lived in San Rafael,” I said, finally realizing that we were only a few miles from my ho-- Billie’s house.

“Uh, well, I did. But the rent went up out there so, I moved here. Do you want something to drink?”

“Sure, thanks.” I sat down on the sofa in the living room and looked around the house. It was about the size of my parents house. Small. But perfect for one or two people. There was a chair in one corner of the living room, with a table beside it. In front of me there was a small T.V.. And I could see stairs leading up to the rest of the house. All in all, a nice house.

“Here you go,” Ethan said, sitting down next to me.

I nodded in thanks, opened the can, took a sip, then set it on the table. Neither of us said anything for a few minutes.

“So, do you want to talk about it?” he asked, quietly.

“There’s nothing to tell really. Billie was kissing his ex-wife and I walked in on them. Now I’m here.” I shrugged, amazed that I was able to keep my voice calm. Inside I felt like I was going to shatter into a million pieces.

Ethan’s eyes were wide. “What?”

His arms were around me then, wrapping me into a warm hug. And that was all it took. The tears welled up again and poured down my face. Gut wrenching sobs escaped from my trembling lips. I sagged against him, curling into myself, and cried.

Finally, when the sobbing subsided a little I sat up, trying to wipe the eyeliner that had probably streaked my face black. I asked to go to the bathroom to clean up some. The bathroom was small and white, with a big mirror hanging over the sink. I studied my reflection carefully, taking in every detail.

My eyes were rimmed red, tear stains on my cheeks, and just as I’d suspected, eyeliner was cascading down my cheeks too, following the tear rivulets. I grabbed a few tissues that were in a box on the counter and lightly dabbed my eyes, then washed the makeup off my face. I looked pathetic, and the hurt that had been eating at me was suddenly replaced with anger.

I was angry that I felt weak and vulnerable. Angry that I had walked in on Billie Joe and Adrienne, and angry because there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about any of it. You can’t change what happens, no matter how much you wish you could.

I threw open the door and marched downstairs again. I wanted to do something. Something to make myself feel better. Something that would hurt Billie as much as he had hurt me. Ethan stood up when I reached the living room, obviously trying to figure out if I was going to burst into tears again.

His mouth opened, but I didn’t give him a chance to speak. I threw my arms around his neck and pressed my lips to his.

He immediately pushed me back. “Lisa, don’t. You’ll regret it later.”

“I don’t think I will,” I reasoned, pulling him in for another kiss.

Again, he pushed me away. “You’re not thinking clearly. I know that you’re doing this for revenge, but honey, all it’s going to do it hurt you even more.”

Another wave of anger surged through my body. It wasn’t directed at Ethan though. It was directed at me. He was right. I would regret this later, because no how much I thought this would hurt Billie, I’d just be hurting myself.

I sank down onto the couch again and put my head in my hands. Oh, God. How had things become so fucked up? Just this morning Billie and I had been laughing and telling each other we loved each other. Obviously, he hadn’t meant it. Or maybe he did. People can fuck up. Everyone does. There’s no way to avoid it. I was torn inside, trying to decided what to believe. “Can I stay here for tonight? I can sleep on the couch. I won’t get in your way or anything.”

Ethan rolled his eyes. “Like you could get in my way. Of course you can stay here. I’ll get you a blanket and a pillow.” He disappeared upstairs.

Give me a shot to remember,
And you can take all the pain away from me,
A kiss and I will surrender,
The sharpest lives are the deadliest to lead.

Pulling my cell out of my pocket, I sighed.

It's Tré Cool, baby, the caller I.D. read.

I flipped it open. “Hello?”

“Lisa! Finally. I’ve been calling everyone I know trying to find you. Guess I should’ve started with your cell, huh?” He chuckled.

“Then you wouldn’t be you,” I murmured.

“Where are you?” he asked, concern thick in his voice.

“I’m at a friends.”

“What friend? I called all of your friends.”

“You don’t know all of my friends!” I snapped. He didn’t say anything. “God, Tré, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to…”

“I know. But Lisa, you have to come back to the house. Billie needs to talk to you. He told me everything that happened and it was all just an accident.”

“Did he kiss Adrienne?” I asked him, my voice completely monotone.

“Well, yes, but, he didn’t mean it. You should come talk to him. He’s in pretty bad shape right now.”

“He’s in pretty bad shape? What about me? How do you think I feel? What? You think I’m just skipping around without a care in the world? I’m not!” I yelled. “I’m just as hurt as Billie is, probably more, since I wasn’t the one kissing my ex. And right now I don’t feel like talking to Billie or anybody else! Tell Mike and Emilie and everyone else that I’m at Ethan’s and that I’m fine. I’m going to stay here for now, then figure something else out? Alright?”

“You’re at Ethan’s?” he asked, totally ignoring my outburst.

“Yes, I am. I’ll talk to you later Tré.”

“Lisa, I didn’t mean to imply anything. I know you’re hurting, but I don’t know if I would go so far as to say you’re hurting more than Billie Joe. He feels horrible and he’s just lying on his bed saying over and over how he always fucks everything up. How he fucked up the one thing in his life that was perfect.”

A twinge of guilt echoed through me. I smothered it. “I’m not the one who kissed my ex,” I said, then flipped my phone shut.

I looked up and jumped. Ethan was standing at the foot of the stairs holding the pillow and blanket.

“Sorry,” he apologized. “I didn’t mean to scare you.” He set the pillow and blanket down next to me.

I waved my hand dismissively. “It’s fine. After today, someone scaring me is the least of my problems.”

“Hey, I need to get back to work, but you know, I don’t have to go if you don’t want. I can stay and we can talk.”

“No. I need to be alone right now. Go to work. It’s fine.”

He stood up but didn’t leave. “You’re sure?”

“I’m fine,” I stressed. “Really. Go.” I made a shooing gesture with my hand and smiled. Although it probably looked like more of a grimace than a smile.

“Okay,” he replied.

The door clicked closed behind him and silence filled the room. It was deafening. Beside me, my phone vibrated again, signaling that I had a new text message. I opened my inbox and read it.

You okay? it said. It was from Emilie.

I was just about to reply when another screen popped up. Another new text.

This one read: Just checking on you again. I know, you’re probably really annoyed right now and ready to kill me, but you’re my friend. Call me when you feel like it. ~Tré

I know they all meant well, but honestly, I didn’t care. All I wanted to do was curl up under a blanket and disappear forever.

I laid down on the couch and pulled the blanket over me. It was warm, soft, and just what I needed at the moment. I hit Reply on my phone and quickly typed a message back to Tré.

I know you care about me. And I love you for it. I’ll call you tomorrow. ~Lisa

Then I snapped the phone closed, turned it off, and shut my eyes. Then I let my misery pull me under.

__________________________________________________

A/N: This will be the last update for wahile. Today is the last day of my Spring Break. I'll update again as soon as I get the chance though.
<3 Lisa