I Can't Believe This

Well, what the hell am I supposed to do now? I’d already gone to almost every store in the mall. And I had absolutely no bags. I was trying to get my mind off of Billie. At least, that’s what I was supposed to be doing. Ethan had sent me out so that I could ‘clear my head’ as he put it. Apparently I needed some time to just relax and not think about anything. But truthfully, every time I walked into one of the stores that looked cool, something would remind me of Billie Joe.

I walked into Hot Topic, bad idea. Not only were there Green Day shirts, but American Idiot had been blaring through the store’s sound system. Next I’d gone into Bed, Bath, and Beyond, thinking there couldn’t possibly be anything that would remind me of him in there. Ha. I was sampling perfumes when one of those annoying saleswomen had come up and asked me if I wanted to look at some new lotions they’d just gotten in.

The second one I smelled was scented like a vanilla mocha latte. Instantly, my heart began to ache, thinking of Billie and how he always smelled like cigarettes and coffee.

Finally, after dozens of other stores, I found the one place that I thought would be fine. Nothing could possibly remind me of Billie in there. The moment I stepped through the sleek, silver door of Victoria’s Secret, I knew I’d fucked up. How could this store not remind me of Billie? Practically all he did was think and talk about music and sex.

So here I am, I thought to myself. Walking down the street towards absolutely nowhere on a saturday afternoon. I sighed, waiting for the cross walk signal to turn so I could cross the street.

“Lisa?”

I turned around and inwardly groaned. God, what was she doing here? “Oh, hey Rhianna.”

“Hi. What’s up?” she asked, her tone completely passive.

“Nothing, just doing some shopping.” I looked down at my empty hands. “Or, trying to anyway.”

“Yeah, me too. Dave is at work so I’m picking us up some dinner.”

“Dave?” I asked, my eye narrowing automatically.

“My new boyfriend,” she clarified.

“Ah.”

“I heard about what happened.”

“Figures,” I muttered.

“I’m sorry.” She paused, obviously wanting to say more.

“But?” I prompted.

“But, I told you. I told you this would happen. You didn’t mean anything to him. You were just some fling.”

“You know what Rhianna? You’d better think very carefully about what comes out of your mouth next.”

She just shrugged. “You were a rebound. Nothing more. Next time, you should try to date someone who’s actually in the same league you are.”

“Oh, is that why you dumped Tré? Because you knew that he was too good for you?” I felt like punching her in the face.

She glared. “No.”

“Oh, well, my mistake. Now if you don’t mind, I have to go.” I crossed the street, trying not to look back. I could feel her eyes burning a hold into my back.

“You know I’m right, Lisa!” I heard her call just as I turned the corner.

Yeah, well fuck you, I thought. How could I have ever been friends with her?

I made it back to Ethan’s house and unlocked the door. He’d given me a copy of the key yesterday. I felt bad, I shouldn’t be given a key. I’d been here a week and he’d been nothing but nice to me, despite the fact that I was imposing on his life. But every time I brought it up he’d just laugh and ruffle my hair, saying that I could never be imposing. Ha, yeah, sure.

I’d decided last night, after a long talk with Ethan, that today I was going to head over to Billie Joe’s house and pick up my stuff. For the past couple of days I’d been making Tré call Billie’s house and see if he was there. And if he wasn’t, then I’d go and grab some of my stuff. Pathetic, I know. But today I was going over there whether he was home or not.

Taking a deep breath, I grabbed a couple of folded moving boxes and went out to my car. It was now or never, and I’d already been procrastinating too long. My mind wandered as I drove to Billie’s house. What if he was there? What if he wasn’t? Did I want him to be there? Maybe. Why? Because I’m obviously a masochist. What if I broke down in front of him? God, I really needed to quit thinking about this shit. I pulled into the driveway and stared up at the house.

“I can do this,” I whispered. I opened my door, grabbed the boxes and made my way up to the front door. I took out the key and slowly put in the lock. On the way out I needed to remember to leave the key on the counter.

I pushed the door open and stuck my head around the corner. Well, no one was in the living room. Or the hallway. Good sign. Shutting the door behind me, I walked as quickly as I could up the stairs and into the bedroom. Still no one.

With numb hands I yanked open the dresser drawers, all of my stuff was still in them. I flung everything into the first box, then went over to the closet. I finished with the last box, and ran out of the room. It was too painful to be in there.

I had just stepped into the hallway when the door right across from me opened.

Oh shit.

Billie didn’t say anything at first and neither did I. I was actually a little distracted by the fact that he wasn’t wearing a shirt. Even after what he did to me, I still want to jump him. Jesus.

“Lisa?” he croaked. “What…what are you doing here?” His eyes flicked down to the boxes at my feet. When he looked up his eyes were clouded with pain.

“I’m just, uh, grabbing the rest of my stuff. I’ve been picking up a little of it now and then. Um, yeah.” What else was I supposed to say to him? Hell if I knew.

“Oh. Tré told me that you’d been here a couple of times. He said you’ve had him calling to see if I was home or not first though. “ he looked at the floor. “I guess I understand why though,” he mumbled.

“Yeah,” I whispered, my eyes stinging. Fuck. Don’t let me start crying. Just get to the door and walk out. Get into the car and drive.

I stared at my shoes as the silence stretched between us.

“Well, I’ll let you get the rest of your stuff.” His voice was suddenly different. Accusing almost.

My head snapped up and I almost cringed away from the look on his face. “I’m done.”

“Good. Well, bye.” He was avoiding my gaze.

“Okay. Bye.” Although it sounded more like a question. I started walking away when he spoke again.

“I heard you’re staying with Ethan,” he muttered.

I stopped right where I was. Pivoting, I came around to face him again. “How did you…”

“Rhianna told me. Well, it’s good you moved on. And so quickly,” he sneered.

“Rhianna? Wait, moved on? I haven’t moved on Billie. We only broke a little over a week ago.” I spat.

“I know, but I figured that you’d have moved on quickly, especially with Ethan there to help you.” His angry expression faltered for a moment. Pain replaced it. “I wouldn’t blame you.”

I bit my lip. “I know you wouldn’t, but I haven’t moved on, not to Ethan, not to anyone.” I sighed and held out the key. “Here, I was going to leave it on the kitchen counter on my way out, but since you’re here…”

He didn’t take it right away. Instead he looked into my eyes for what seemed like an eternity. Finally, he dropped his piercing gaze to my hand and grabbed the key, letting his arm fall limply at his side. “Okay.”

“Yeah.” I spun around again, but paused on the first step. “It wasn’t your fault, Billie.” I didn’t turn around, if I did, I wouldn’t be able to say what I needed to. “What happened between us, it’s not your fault, or mine. It just wasn’t - and I know how cliché this sounds - but it just wasn’t meant to be.” I walked down the steps and out the door, not looking back once.

*BILLIE”S POV*

As the door closed behind her tears blurred my vision. This was it, I thought. It’s really over. She’s gotten her stuff, given back the key, and I was probably never going to see her again. I’d had hope before, what with her needing to come get her stuff. I figured that I could talk to her, get her to see that I still loved her. And no one else.

I sat down in the hallway and leaned my head against the wall. Why did this have to happen? Why did I have to kiss Adrienne that day? Fuck, if we hadn’t had that barbeque, none of this would have happened. Lisa’s wrong though. What we had was meant to be. I don’t care what I have to do, I thought to no one in particular. But I was going to do something. We’re meant to be. Everyone knows it. Well, except for Rhianna and that Ethan guy, but whatever, fuck them.

I stood up and ran down the stairs and into the kitchen. Grabbing the phone I slipped the house key Lisa had given back into my pocket. I dialed Tré’s number without seeing the buttons. “I’m going to get you back,” I whispered to myself as I waited for Tré to answer.

*NORMAL POV*

I’d really done it. All of my stuff was out of his house, not a trace of me left behind. I pulled into a parking space in front Emilie’s apartment and went inside. I needed to find a different place to stay, so I was here to ask Emilie. The door opened after the second knock, revealing Emilie in a dark blue shirt and tan skirt. “Hey,” I said, “Can I come in?”

“Of course.” She stepped aside, then shut the door behind me.

“I love your apartment, you know that?” I laughed at the lamp on her table as I sat down on the white and blue polka dot couch, it had a monkey holding a banana in one hand and a light bulb in the other.

She laughed and went into the kitchen. She came back holding two sodas. “Thank you.” She sat down across from me and waited. “So?” she asked after I didn’t say anything.

“I got all of my stuff out of Billie’s” I drew in a breath, just saying his name hurt.

“Oh God, that must have been rough.”

“Yeah. But that’s not why I’m here. I’m here to ask you something.” What if she said no? Wait, this Emilie. She's the best friend I have. Well, her and Ethan.

“I’ve already put clean sheets on the bed in the second room. It’s all yours. “ She grinned and tapped her can to mine. “Cheers to my new roommate.”

Grinning I jumped up and hugged her. “I love you.”

“I know.”

***

“You have a lot of shit Lisa. I mean Jesus, what the fuck is in this box that makes it weigh 50,000 pounds?” Emilie huffed, carrying the box out the door.

“Probably my books,” I supplied, following her.

“Yeah, well, damn you and your thirst for knowledge,” she muttered, heading out the front door.

I laughed and set my box down, I still needed to grab the last one. Emilie and Ethan were helping me move to her apartment today. She said it was perfect timing because next week she wouldn’t be getting paid as much because of her time off work, so she was glad that I was going to be there to help with the rent. That’s Emilie, always practical.

The last box weighed a ton also. Shit, maybe Emilie had a point about the books. Well, who cares. I walked into the hallway of Ethan’s house and started down the steps, only to find that there was something blocking my way. “Emilie, get the fuck out of my way before I run you over.”

“It’s not Emilie, but remind to never get in your way again,” Ethan said, chuckling.

“Oh, hey.” I set down the box so I could see his face. “Sorry, I would never run you over.”

“Good to know.” He lifted the box and took it downstairs, then jogged back up the short flight of steps. “Anyway, I came up here to see if you had everything.”

“Yeah, I do. All packed and ready to go.” I waited for him to reply, but he didn’t. “Are you okay?”

“You don’t have to go, you know,” he said, his eyes glancing at everything but me. “You can stay. It was kind of fun to have you around here. Even if you do have bad taste in T.V. shows,” he added, winking at me.

“Hey, Gilmore Girls and The Fresh Prince of Bel Air are the best shows ever created. And I have to go.” It was kind of sad though, when I actually thought about it. Ethan had let me stay here, no questions asked. My eyes started stinging. I grabbed his hands and pulled him closer to me, then I wrapped him in a hug. “Thank you,” I whispered.

His arms came around my waist and we sat there for a few minutes. When we finally released each other, he brushed a kiss onto my cheek.

“You can stay here whenever you want,” he offered. “And you have to come hang out sometimes.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll be here so much you’ll get sick of me and kick me out.”

His face turned teasing. “I would never kick you out, I love you too much.” Then he smiled at me and went downstairs again..

***

I flopped down onto the sofa next to Emilie. “God, it feels good to have a home again.”

“I’ll bet. So what do you want to watch?” She flipped through a couple more channels.

“I have no idea. Anything that’s not stupid, I’m getting us popcorn.” I went into the kitchen and put the bag of un-popped corn into the microwave, then hit Start.

I walk this empty street
On the boulevard of broken dreams
Where the city sleeps…

The sound of his voice cut off suddenly. I ran back into the living room. “Emilie, what are you watching?” I looked at the T.V. and froze.

“I was just watching the news, then I started flipping through channels again and I landed on Fuse. I guess they did a show a couple of days ago," she said, referring to Billie, Mike, and Tré.

I looked at Billie’s face. It was off somehow. He always looked so happy and calm when he was performing, but not here. He looked stiff and dazed. I grabbed the remote and changed the channel. “Let’s just watch The Ring,” I suggested, grabbing the DVD and popping it into the machine.

“Are you okay?” she asked, looking over at me.

“Of course, I’m fine. Why wouldn't I be?” I kept my eyes on the screen as the opening credits began.

“You’re sure? Because with the way you jumped up and switched to the movie, I’d say you aren’t.”

I sighed. “No, I’m not, okay? I’m not fine. But I have to be. I just…” I trailed off.

She nodded. “Yeah, I get it.”