I Can't Believe This

“No, Mom. There hasn’t been any change.” I explained tiredly. I was getting sick of repeating myself and having to listen to those awful words come out of my mouth over and over.

“Sweetie, you can’t give up hope. I’m sure he’ll be fine. His body just needs time,” she said, attempting to comfort me.

I sighed, placing my forehead into my hand. “Yeah, I know. But that’s not even the worst part.” I bit my lip, trying to decide if I wanted to let her know what I’d been feeling for the past two days. I didn’t know if I could take much more sympathy from others. “The worst part is knowing that I can’t do anything,” I whispered. “All I’ve been doing is sitting here waiting. And it’s horrible.” I swallowed, and closed my eyes to stop the tears. “The doctors are worried,” I said a moment later, my voice barely registering.

My mom didn’t say anything at first and when she did, it wasn’t what I had expected. “I wish I could say something to make you feel better, but I can’t. I don’t know anymore than the doctors who are caring for Billie Joe. So I’m not going to lie and say everything will be okay anymore. Because I don’t know.”

I didn’t know what to say to that. A minute ago she’d been saying things would get better, just like everyone else I’d talked to. Now she was being realistic.

“Lisa?” she asked, a frantic tone beginning to creep into her voice.

“Thank you,” I said.

“What?” She sounded surprised.

“Thank you. For not,” I sighed again. “For not just saying things to make feel better. I’m so tired of everyone telling me it’s going to be okay when no one really knows. Thank you,” I said again.

“I love you, Honey.”

“I love you, too. And I’ll call you as soon as anything happens.”

I closed my phone and rested my head against the back of the hospital chair I was currently occupying. Over the past two days nothing had changed. Billie’s doctors were doing everything they could, but ultimately it was up to Billie himself. I hadn’t left the hospital since first arriving here, even though Tré, Mike, and Emilie had begged me to go home and get some sleep. But I couldn’t, and I wouldn’t have anyway. So the past couple of nights I’d slept in Billie Joe’s room, talking to him until the early hours of morning. Telling him to just take his time and wake up when he was sure he was okay. I didn’t know if it made sense to anyone else but me, but I didn’t care.

Plus, to add to the wonderful week I’d been having I’d recently started getting sick every few hours. The day after Billie had been admitted I’d been curled up on the bed next to his, holding his hand and watching T.V., when I had suddenly felt like I was going to throw up. And ever since then I’d been throwing up every few hours. It was disgusting. I’d decided it was from how much I’d been worrying and all the stress. And I’d also concluded that I would just have to live with it, since I wasn’t going to stop worrying anytime soon.

I lifted my head and walked back to Billie Joe’s room to see if the nurses were finished changing his IV. I cracked open the door and peered around the corner. No nurses. “Good,” I whispered.

I pulled my usual chair over to Billie Joe’s bedside again and laced my fingers through his. “Hey,” I said, my other hand stroking his hair. “The funniest thing happened today. Tré and I went down to get some breakfast and we noticed that Mike was in line ahead of us. Well, you know Tré. Once he got his coffee he started flicking small amounts of it at Mike. And Mike kept rubbing his neck, trying to figure out what was going on until he finally spotted Tré and I behind him. Once he did he picked up some of the eggs he had and flicked them at Tré, but instead of hitting Tré they hit this old woman in front of us. She got pissed and started hitting Mike,” I finished. “It was hilarious. I even got pictures. And when you wake up I’ll show them to you.”

I stared at Billie’s face and gently leaned forward to kiss him. No movement. No sign that he had any idea what was going on or that I was in the room with him.

“How long since you ate?” Mike asked from behind me.

“Uh, this morning, when you got the shit beat out of you by the old lady,” I added, smiling a little.

Mike laughed quietly. “Right, well it’s not like I could fight back.” His tone grew serious again, “You need to eat. It’s almost 8:00PM.”

“I’m not hungry. Besides, even if I do eat I’ll probably just throw it up again,” I argued. No need to eat when you can’t keep it down, right?

“I was thinking about that earlier today.” Mike came and sat down next to me, a small plastic bag in his hands. “And I think I might know why you’ve been throwing up.”

I slowly looked away from Billie Joe’s face and raised my eyebrow. “And?” I prompted.

Mike exhaled loudly, not looking at me.

“Mike, come on. If you think you know why I’m throwing up, then tell me. Maybe I can stop it.”

“Alright,” he warned. “It’s just an idea though, so don’t get mad or anything.”

I rolled my eyes. “I won’t.”

He reached into the bag and pulled out a small box, then handed it to me. It took a moment for my eyes to focus on the print on the small pink and white box, but when they did I felt as though I was going to keel over.

“That can’t be why,” I reasoned, laughing shakily. “I can’t be pregnant.”

“But what if you are? I mean, it’s a possibility. I know there’s no way that you and Billie have been together for 11 months and not had sex,” he pointed out.

Okay, he had me there. But I still didn’t believe I was pregnant. Weren’t women supposed to have a sixth sense about this kind of thing? That’s what every magazine said. And movie. So if I was pregnant shouldn't I have known before anyone else? I should have some sort of intuition, I thought to myself. “No,” I argued, thrusting the box back at Mike. “No way.”

“Lisa, just try it. I mean, if you are, you should know about it and start taking care of yourself.”

I automatically glanced at Billie again. “I don’t care about taking care of myself right now.”

A hand gingerly touched mine. “Lisa, Billie would want you to take care of yourself. Especially if you’re pregnant.”

Pulling my hand out from under Mike’s I dropped my head into my hands. “Okay, fine,” I mumbled. Damn him anyway. I blindly put out my hand and felt an insignificant weight placed in my hand as Mike handed me the pregnancy test. “I’ll be back,” I muttered, standing up and walking into the small adjacent bathroom.

I slammed the door behind me and tossed the box onto the counter. I didn’t need a pregnancy to go along with all of the other shit in my life. Not right now. I stared at myself in the mirror, glaring. My eyes were swollen from crying and there were dark bags under my eyes due to lack of sleep. My hair wasn’t straightened as I usually wore it, but instead it hung in a messy wave down my back. Mike’s right, I realized. I need to take care of myself for Billie.

Sighing for the hundredth time that day and grabbed the box and quickly read and followed the instructions. When I was finished I balanced the delicate device on the sink and exited the bathroom.

Mike looked up and began to open his mouth, but I waved my hand to stop him. “We won’t know for another three minutes.”

He nodded as I sat down beside him once more.

By the time three minutes had gone by I thought Mike and I were both going to explode from anticipation. Well, anticipation on his end. Anxiety on mine. I took a deep breath and headed into the bathroom. I picked up the plastic device and compared it to the box, my heart beating so rapidly I thought is might punch a hole through my chest.

“I’m not,” I whispered, my heart sinking a bit. I didn’t want to let on, but in the three minutes I’d waited for the pregnancy results I’d grown rather fond of the idea of having mine and Billie’s baby growing inside of me.

“You’re not?” Mike repeated, disbelief obvious in his tone. “But how can you–”

“I don’t know!” I snapped, instantly regretting the outburst. “I’m sorry, Mike. I just…” I trailed off, biting my lip. I had no idea why I was acting like this. Sure, it would have been wonderful to be pregnant, but it was better that I wasn’t. At least for now. I had too much to worry about without throwing a baby into the mix. It was good I wasn’t pregnant. So why did I have tears running down my face?

“Hey, it’s okay,” Mike stated, pulling me into his arms. “I thought this is what you’d wanted anyway.”

“I know, I do. It’s just that the idea was actually…I don’t know.”

“Pretty great?” he guessed, pushing me back to look into my eyes.

I nodded stiffly. “Yeah.” I shrugged. “But it’s better this way. I mean, Billie–”

“Yeah,” Mike interrupted, noticing how hard it was for me to say. “I know.”

***

It was all I could think about. Ever since the results had turned up negative, all I could think about was the pregnancy scare. I settled into the uncomfortable hospital bed and pulled the blankets over me, then turned onto my side so I could face Billie. “I think that motherly intuition is kicking in, Billie.” I laughed to myself. “I think Mike was right. I’m pregnant. The test said I wasn’t, but I think I might be,” I confessed. “Which is why I’m going to have the hospital test me tomorrow. Then we’ll know for sure.” I let my arm fall across the small space between the beds and laid my hand over Billie Joe’s.

***

I distantly heard the click of the door closing behind me. After two hours of waiting I’d finally been called back up to the lab to get my pregnancy results. Mike had been right. I was pregnant. Almost two weeks in. the doctors at the lab weren’t surprised to hear that the home pregnancy test had been wrong. Apparently it happened more than everyone thought.

The moment the words had left the nurse’s lips everything had snapped into place for me. I was going to be a mother. And Billie Joe was going to be a father again.

I hurriedly made my way to the elevator, hitting the button once I reached it. The short ride to the floor below the lab seemed to take an hour instead of twelve seconds. Once the doors opened I raced out of the elevator and practically ran to find Emilie, Mike, and Tré. They were right where I’d left them fifteen minutes ago. Three pairs of eyes stared at me as I came to a stop in front of them. Emilie stood up, her face alight with curiosity.

I nodded once and was smothered by her as she pulled me into a hug. “That’s great!”

Tré ran over to me and gently lifted me off the ground, hugging me tightly. “There’s gonna be a little Billie or Lisa running around soon!” he yelled. “Ow! Fuck, Mike. I’m not hurting her.” He pulled back and looked at me. “Am I?”

I laughed and shook my head. “No,” I assured him.

He stuck his tongue out at Mike. “See, Mike? Now fuck off and let me hug my favorite mother-to-be.” He winked at me and squeezed me once last time before placing me on the ground again.

I walked over to Mike and stepped into his open arms, welcoming the embrace. “You were right,” I said, only loud enough for the two of us to hear.

“Of course, I’m always right,” he answered smugly.

I rolled my eyes. “Smartass.”

He laughed as I stepped away. “That’s me.”

I smiled then looked behind me to where Tré and Emilie were standing. Their faces, which just moments ago had held excitement, now looked more serious. My smile slowly vanished as the reality of what they were thinking hit me.

I was pregnant, but none of us knew if Billie Joe would ever see his newest child.

I solemnly walked to his room and rested my hand on the cool, metal doorknob. Pushing open the door I walked into the room and sat down in the all too familiar chair next Billie Joe’s bed.

“Hey,” I said softly. I had no idea how to do what I needed to do. Most women freak out when the time comes to tell the man that she’s pregnant, but I was finding my anxiety just a little ridiculous since I didn’t know if Billie could even hear me or not. “So, uh, I went and had another pregnancy test done,” I began. My voice shook slightly so I cleared it before continuing. “It was done by the hospital this time, not some piece of shit home test and the, uh, results came back positive.” I choked back the lump that was forming in my throat. “We’re going to have a new addition the house, Billie Joe.” The tears I’d tried to hold back began to flow freely from my eyes. “You’re a father again.”

***

‘Cause I wanna be the minority
I don’t need your authority…

I hit the End button on my cell phone and angrily slammed it back down onto the table. Ethan had been calling me ever since he’d found out I was pregnant. I still hadn’t completely forgiven Emilie for letting it slip when she’d talked to him a couple of days ago.

He’d called seventeen times since Wednesday, and he’d left a message each time. The first six times I’d actually listened to them, but then I realized that they were all going to have the same basic theme. He wanted to talk to me.

‘Cause I wanna be the minority,
I don’t need your authority,
Down with the…

I hit the Send button and placed the phone against my hear. “Stop calling me,” I snapped. I hung up and placed the phone next to me again.

“Still calling you, huh?” Tré asked.

“Yeah. And I’m getting to the point of wanting to rip off his fingers so he can’t use the Goddamn phone anymore.”

Tré laughed, wincing slightly. “Ow.”

“Yep.”

‘Cause I wanna…

“Doesn’t he get that I don’t want to fucking talk to him? Jesus Christ. What the hell does it take to get it through his thick fucking skull?” I snatched the phone up and pressed Send. “I swear to fucking God, if you don’t–” The voice on the other end stopped me cold. “Oh, uh, hey. What’s up, Dad?”

Tré burst out laughing.

I flipped him off and focused on my dad’s voice. “Sorry about that. I, uh, thought you were someone else.” I laughed slightly, trying to stop the blush that was creeping up my face.

Tré apparently thought that was funnier yet, and he began gasping for breath and pointing at me.

I covered the speaker and glared. “Shut the fuck up,” I threatened, which only caused another round of laughter from the drummer.

“Lisa!”

“Huh? What?” My focus snapped back to my father’s voice immediately.

“I said, ‘why is it that your mom and I found out you were pregnant from Mike and not you?’” he repeated.

I resisted the urge to slap myself and mentally cussed myself out. I knew there was something I had been forgetting to do. “I just, uh, forgot. Sorry.” I bit my lip, waiting for the sarcastic remark my dad would no doubt have to say.

“You forgot?” he asked incredulously. “How do you forget that you have a human being growing inside of you?” he asked, a trace of amusement in his voice now.

“Yeah, well. I tend to get distracted easily. You should know that already, I get it from you,” I countered.

My dad and I talked for another few minutes before hanging up. I’d promised to call him again soon and let him know how things were going. Luckily he hadn’t been mad. Neither had my mom. They were actually happy for me. Which was probably the biggest surprise I’d ever gotten in my life. They were very big on getting married before having a child.

I had just stood up to head back into Billie’s room when I heard my name being called behind me. I turned around and groaned. “What part of ‘fuck off’ do you not understand?” I asked, my eyes narrowing.

“I’m not going to fuck off, no matter how many times you tell me to. You should know that,” Ethan scolded.

“Yeah, I’m beginning to see that,” I muttered.

“Listen, before you go storming off again I just want to say one thing.”

“Oh yeah? What?”

“I’m sorry. For everything,” he added. “Really. For all of the shit I put you through and gave you. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have and I know that there’s no way to take it back now, but I hope that you can forgive me. Again,” he said, his words jumbling together toward the end due to being nervous.

“You know? I don’t think sorry is going to cut it this time, Ethan,” I stated honestly, all of the anger leaving my body. I suddenly felt very tired.

“Please, Lisa. Please,” he pleaded. “I’m so sorry. I just didn’t know how to deal with you and Billie being together. I like you,” he confirmed. “And I just didn’t know how else to deal with the fact that you only like me as a friend…and that you love Billie Joe.” His eyes were staring straight into mine. He took a step forward. “I’m sorry. But I promise, I won‘t let my feelings get in the way anymore. You mean too much to me.”

I could feel the wall I had constructed between us beginning to crumble. It was hard to not feel bad for the guy. Especially after what he’s just said. “You should be sorry,” I concluded.

His face fell.

“But,” I allowed. “It wasn’t completely your fault. I’m sorry too, for putting you through shit too.” I took a step forward to match his. “And I’m really sorry about a few days ago. I shouldn’t have yelled at you like that. I was just upset. I know it wasn’t your fault that Billie got hit.” My voice went quiet at the last part.

Ethan closed the distance between our bodies and pulled me into his arms, hugging me gently. We stood there for a couple of minutes before I ended the hug and stepped back.

“So, you’re pregnant.” It wasn’t a question.

“Yep. I am,” I said, one of my hands automatically touching my still-flat stomach.

Ethan eyes followed my hand and stopped at my stomach. His gaze was intense. “That’s great,” he finally said. Although his voice let on that he thought it was anything but great.

“Ethan,” I began.

“No, no. I really do think it’s great,” he said, looking at me again. “I’m just worried about you. I mean, if Billie Joe doesn’t, I mean, uh–”

“Yeah, I know what you’re saying.” I held up my hand to stop him from finishing his thought. “I know.”

Ethan stayed for almost another hour. We’d talked about a lot of things, almost falling back into our normal friendship from before, but it wasn’t quite the same. When Mike and Tré had walked up and seen Ethan it’d taken me a good ten minutes to convince them not to rip him limb from limb, like they’d suggested. All in all, everything had gone okay.

Now I was back down at the coffee machine, grabbing my eighth cup of the day. That machine and I were becoming best friends. I quickly drank that cup and stuck more quarters into it, waiting for more coffee. I heard footsteps behind me. They were getting closer and whoever it was, was running. Must be urgent, I thought downing the coffee that had just been dispensed into my little cup.

I had just placed the little cup back into the machine and stuck in another quarter when the footsteps reached me.

“Lisa! Hurry!” Tré said, his voice frantic.

“What is it?” I asked, my heart beating double-time. “What’s happened?”

“It’s Billie! He’s awake! Come on!” He grabbed my hand and pulled me away from the machine.

We ran down the hallway as fast as our legs would take us. We bumped into a lot of people on the way, each time murmuring a quick ‘sorry’ as we went past. We finally reached the floor Billie was on and sprinted for his room.

My mind was racing, as was my heart. Billie Joe is awake, I chanted over and over in my head. He’s awake! I burst into the room, my eyes landing on the thirty-five year old lying in the bed.

My eyes were glued to his face. They took in his chin, the small smile on his lips, his nose, and–finally–his beautiful, emerald green eyes.

They were open, and they were boring right into mine.

“Billie!” I didn’t even know I’d moved, but suddenly I was at his bed and I was gently wrapping my arms around him. “Oh, God,” I choked out. “You’re awake.” Tears streamed from my eyes, soaking into his hospital gown.

“Hey,” he chuckled.

“I love you,” I said fiercely. “So much.”

He pulled my body away from his and looked at me for a moment. Then he pulled me closer and kissed me softly. “I love you, too.”

“All right you guys, no procreating while all of us are in the room. Jeez,” Tré said, rolling his eyes.

“Shut up, Tré.” Billie answered. “What the hell happened?” he asked, looking at me again.

“You were hit by an SUV, Mr. Armstrong,” Doctor Wells interjected. “Nine days ago.”

Billie Joe’s eyes widened. “What?”

I nodded. “After you left the music shop last Friday.” I mentally winced at the memory. The past nine days had been the longest and most terrifying days of my life and now that it was over, I didn’t want to think about it anymore.

“Jesus Christ,” Billie murmured, shock clear in his voice and on his face.

“Yeah, man. You were in a coma from the all of the injuries and the meds the doctors put you on,” Mike stated, frowning.

“Yes, we were worried there for awhile, Mr. Armstrong,” Dr. Wells added. “I’m going to go fill out the rest of your paperwork now, but I’ll be back in a little while to check on you.”

He left the room and the others soon followed after each of them told Billie how glad they were that he was awake now.

Mike was the last to leave and before he did he looked at me and raised an eyebrow.

I shook my head slightly. There was no way I was going to tell Billie Joe that he was going to be a father so soon after having woken up from a coma. For some reason, I just didn’t feel like sending him back into the coma.

Mike nodded and left the room, closing the door behind him.

“You never left, did you?’ Billie asked, squeezing my hand and nodding his head in the direction of the other bed occupying the room.

I smiled and looked down. “No. Only to eat and take care of other necessities,” I confessed, looking back up at the handsome man in front of me. “I was so worried, Billie,” I whispered.

Billie Joe scoot over a little bit on his bed and patted the now open space next to him. “Come here.”

I shook my head. “I don’t want to–”

He rolled his eyes. “You aren’t going to hurt me. I was just in a come for nine fucking days, I highly doubt that your laying next to me is going to do any harm,” he retorted.

I laughed quietly and nestled my body next to his gently so as not to jostle him. I carefully rested my head on his chest and draped my arm over his stomach, being careful not to touch the bandage around his ribs.

“So what did I miss?” he asked, his lips brushing my hair.

I paused. Not the time I reminded myself, even though I desperately wanted to jump up and scream that we were going to have a baby. “Not much,” I said instead.

“Nothing?”

“Nope,” I lied, shutting my eyes.

“You know, even though I’ve been out for fucking nine days I’m tired.” He laughed, his body rumbling under my head. “What time is it, anyway?”

I lifted my head and glanced at the clock. “4:52 in the afternoon.”

He laughed again and I heard him gasp. “Shit, okay. Maybe I shouldn’t laugh.” He sucked in a breath.

“Are you okay?” I asked, looking his body up and down. He still had tons of bandages on his body and he would for awhile.

“I’m fine, it just hurts to laugh, a lot, that’s all. I’m fine, relax.” He smiled and urged me to lay my head down again.

I did and sighed. “So you’re tired?” I didn’t know what else to say at that moment. I just wanted to hear his voice. I’d been without for too long.

“Yeah, which is still fucking stupid considering everything.” He yawned and kissed the top of my head. “But I promise that this time I won’t be out for nine days. Only a few hours.”

I smiled and looked up at him. “Good, ‘cause if you ever fucking scare me like that again, I’ll kill you.”

He nodded, his eyes already closing. “I won’t, mom.” he teased before falling asleep.

I lifted myself up onto one arm and pressed my lips to his, then I laid down again and buried my face into his side and fell asleep too.

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So, I have no excuse for why it took me almost 2 months to update. I'm really sorry. I know I keep saying I'll update more often, but then I don't. I just haven't really been in a writing mood lately. But I am now. :) So there will be another update soon, I promise.
Sorry again, but I hope that the fact that this update is a little longer than normal will make up for some of my procrastination. Thank you guys for being so patient. I couldn't ask for cooler readers. :D

<333 Lisa