Memories That Fade Like Photographs

Sex

Thats what its all about

The sex

And not even the sex is as good as it use to be. I just wanted my boyfriend back.

Call me cliche but all I want is him to hold me in his arms and call me his. But no, he cant do
that anymore.

I got use to it. Sure, we used to be affectionate, close and loving, but about six months ago that all changed. Please don't ask me how because that would be like asking a three year old what the square root of 64 was. In other words, I would just get confused with a look of thought on my face and my head cocked to the side. After awhile my neck will hurt and I'll just keep starring before turning away and tell you I don't know. Because I didn't know, and every time I asked him, he got mad. Like I was magically suppose to know.

So I got use to it, soon our relationship, the one all of our friends use to envy, seemed to be more like a 'friends with benefits' thing.
But at least then he would stay with me and enjoy the after glow of sex.
Now he just pulls out and dresses, makes some lame excuse and leaves, sometimes not even an excuse if offered. He then comes home, of course in the late hours of the night, reeking of booze and the city.

Sometimes he would sleep on the couch but others he just climbed into bed and slept. He didn't wrap his arms around me, he didn't wake me up just to let me know he was OK and home, he didn't kiss my cheek good-night or whispers that he loves me. He would just kick off his shoes and sleep.

And shame on me, there are times I wish he didn't even come home.
I love him. I love Kevin Sanders with everything I have and everything I am.
And he loves me. Or he use to. I hope he still does. I don't know what I would do without him.
We've been together for so long, even before it was legal. Yea, I was still a minor when we got together.

Illegal but who cares? I didn't. Kevin didn't. Our friends didn't. And we have no family. So the only important people that I knew of didn't care and were actually really happy for us.

Happy. I cant remember the last time I was happy. A low blow but the truth. When Kevin is miserable, he is distant and cold, which in return, made me miserable. I can't even force a smile anymore. Even on some nights, before Kevin gets home or when he is dead asleep, I cry. Yea, I admit it, I cry. I just want to know what I did wrong. Why he is so...not there?

I don't think that makes sense. But I don't care. I don't care about a lot of things anymore. The only thing I truly care about is Kevin, and even he seems to be drifting away.

I did a line last night. You know, of cocaine. I couldn't help it. I was just so...desperate.

Desperate to feel something other then sorrow or self pity. I wanted to feel that feeling I did years ago when I had no one. When no one cared and I didn't either. When I was free and under aged. Just living my life, having no clue what tomorrow would bring me. I wanted to be able to reach the clouds again. I just needed to feel good, to feel whole.

But it got me no where, so I did another one, and then another and other until I had to think to breathe. And then I passed out.

I don't remember much after that. I woke up in my bed, I don't know how I got there nor do I care.

What was I ranting about...oh that's right my relationship, or lack there of.
I really don't know what to do, I don't want our relationship to be based on only sex. Sure we
fucked like bunnies before but now we just fuck, not make love, and I don't think I can even call it sex, Its just plan, flat out rough fucking. And that only satisfies a man so much, ya know?

I'm scared. I don't know what to do. I think I'll go to bed now. My head hurts

But Kevin's not home. Oh well, not like he would care whether or not I wait up for him. I think
I'll sleep on the couch tonight.

I cant stand waking up to an empty bed.

Well...good night